To not have a 2nd child because it would mean a 4yr age gap?

[gapanxiety]

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

Mine have a 4 year age gap, it’s perfect for us.
Wouldnt want a larger or smaller one

I think 3-4yrs gap is average/the norm

4yrs between me & my siblings, we always played together and the gap is irreleavent now we're grown up.

We have a 4 year gap, mine are now 7 and 3 and get on like a house on fire. You cant really plan for these things. I always wanted a smaller gap but 5 miscarriages and an ectopic later I'm grateful for what I've got.

I think you either want a 2nd child or you don't. The gap is irreleavent.

My sons have a four year age gap. They are teenagers now. They have always, always got on unusually well. They adore each other.

I Work in early years and 3-5 years is the most common gap between siblings.

many people have to wait 4- 5 years as childcare is so expensive and it means the eldest is off to school by the time the little one needs childcare.

4 years a big age gap? On what planet?

Crack on!!! Good luck!

Nah, go for it, they’ll adore each other. I posted on another thread this morning that my oldest and youngest are very close, there’s 10 years between them.

I have a 5.5 year gap and it's been great. It was lovely when DC2 arrived to be able to drop DC1 at school and chill out with the baby/feed & binge watch/nap etc. Like having your first but more relaxing because you already know what to do! They are now 5 and 11 and it's still a good gap for us. When they aren't killing each other they play together brilliantly - just like any other siblings really!

I wouldn't consider 4 years a large gap. Maybe 7+ years.

3 or 4 years is pretty normal because of the cost of childcare under age 3.

There’s 4 years between me and my siblings because my Mum waited till the one before went to school! We get on great and had plenty of fun together as kids. I think four years is pretty standard.

Mine are nearly 4 years apart are now adults and are friends as well as siblings, you can't guarantee anything imo and I wouldn't let your own frankly odd feelings about .gaps put you off having another baby.

Conversely, myself and several school friends are all from families with small age gaps - five of us had brothers in the same year two years below us. None of us had even slightly nice relationships with our siblings as kids, and these didn’t improve when we grew up.
They will either get on or they won’t - it’s nothing to do with age gaps. I think I’d have preferred a much younger brother than one 18 months younger.

4 year gap between my little sister and I 😊 I absolutely bloody loved it when she was born! She was like a real life dolly!! There were a few rocky years when I was 14/15ish - she wanted to hang out with me constantly and I was obviously too cool for anything at that age 😎😉😂
We’re late 20s/early 30s now. She’s my best friend 😊

Is 4 years a big gap?!

That's the gap between mine and it's worked really well. First was old enough to be a bit more self sufficient during dc2s demanding baby years.

Now they love each other and are best friends. But that's not gap related. It could have easily gone the other way... but my only frustration is not having primaries here. So it feels like every year I have to go through the school application process... the gap is too big for them to be at the same school till they're 11/15.

You realise that by raising children you are raising future adults and that the under 5 bit is such a tiny fraction of both yours and their lives right?! They will be adult siblings far longer (hopefully) than they are toddler siblings, so whether or not they can 'play' together well for a year or two is really not a major factor in deciding whether or not to bring another human into the world....

4 years is absolutely standard

I have a 9 year old and a 5 year old, there’s 4.5 years between them.

Big discussions about Santa lists as they both wanted some of the same toys - so they split them between the lists and will share.

they get on amazingly, like a lot of the same stuff, rarely fight. I think it’s a perfect age gap.

Actually it's nearer 5 years and not 4

My AC have a two year age gap, did A levels and GCSE at the same time.
My DGC are 3.5 years apart - planned that way. They get on really well.
I’m an only child and wish I wasn’t.

I think 4 years is fine. It'll seem biggest when they're very young, but that'll pass in the blink of an eye. They'll be siblings their whole lives and especially as adults 4 years will be nothing at all.

A 4 year age gap is really not unusual, particularly with the cost of childcare nowadays (although there's also 4 years between DSis and me, and DH and his siblings).

Advantages of a 4 year gap include not having a tiny baby when you're going through the terrible twos, only paying for nursery for two at the same time, and being able to concentrate on new baby while your older child is at school. I find it's easier to give my two the individual attention they need because they're quite different in age rather than harder.

For what it's worth, my DC (10 and 6) are still very close, they play together and chat together and quite often jump into each others' beds and giggle and have secret talks without me at bedtime! I anticipate this will change during their teenage years but it's likely it will come back, DSis and I are incredibly close now as adults.

In terms of finding activities for them to do, it's not something we've found difficult now that the youngest is a bit older. I have a 15yo DSS and it is trickier with him as well - 6yo's and 15yo a have very different interests, but then we divide and conquer.

If you want more children, go for it. I think it would be a shame for you to regret not having another for the sake of it being a slightly bigger gap than your ideal.

There's a 5 year age gap between me and my eldest sister and we grew up being the closest. I have another sister who is 2 years older than me and while we get on, it's my big sister I turn to for life's answers.

My DH has a sibling a year apart that he doesn't get on with at all. He's closest to the one nearly a decade younger. My friend is a twin who has v little contact with the twin.

The idea that age gaps are this important to future relationships is a nonsense. There is clearly a practical element to going back to buggies and nappies and car seats etc that isn't there if you do it as a batch, but it doesn't influence the personalities or relationships of the children.

We've got a nearly 5 year ago between 2 of ours. They are brilliant together, play all the time, love each other. It's great!