To not have a 2nd child because it would mean a 4yr age gap?

[gapanxiety]

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

Seems an odd reason for not having another. There's a 4 year gap between mine. There are pros and cons to that like anything else. There's no perfect answer.

we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big'

Firstly I would ask, too big for who? If it's too big for you, and not having siblings with a four or more year gap is more important to you than having any more children, then there you go. But that rule is purely of your own making.

If you decide that having had one child that feels right and you don't want to have any more despite always having planned two, that's fine too, things change!

Ultimately there are plenty of families out there with all manner of gaps, and lots with one child, and none of them are "wrong".

My daughters have a 4 year age gap. It was due to the cost of childcare! They still get on (fairly) well now at 11 and 7. I'm anticipating some rockiness once the eldest is a teen.

A lot of people do this as they can't afford 2 at nursery! I'd say this is a pretty standard age gap these days tbh. I wouldn't worry

There's four years between me and my sister and she's a huge part of my life. We got on as well as siblings do when we were small too. However I have an only and love that too.

We have a 2,5 and then a 4,5 year gap between ours. They all get on! There has been no issues with the 4.5 year gap and as others have mentioned, it's easier financially and to give attention to the newborn when their sibling is at school. I don't think it's a big gap, I think 10 years plus is one!

If you want another child and can afford one, have one. I have a 5 year age gap between mine. It actually made things so much easier. Never had to pay for two in nursery at the same time. Older one was in primary school when I was on mat leave, so meant I was home her entire first year of school, could do all the school runs if needed, available for playdates, there for emotional support (which wouldn't have been possible if I had been back to work already). They do fight like cats and dogs now that they are older - but no more so than all their friends with their siblings with smaller age gaps, so unfortunately, that's just the norm. And in the intervening years of working, I got a promotion, as did dh, and we were massively more financially secure with a bigger age gap than if we'd rushed to have 2 close together (and then had to shell out £1800 a month for nursery!).

I agree with all who have said that four years is not a big gap. For what it's worth, I have a closer relationship with my sibling who is nearly a decade my junior than I do with the one much closer to my age!

I wouldn't decide against a second child simply on the basis of avoiding an age gap of 4+ years.

I think it does matter in some cases. A gap that big is not for us. We desperately want a second child (two miscarriages last year) but I don't want to get too far out of the baby stages only to have to go back into it again so we'll be calling it a day if it doesn't work in 2023.

4 yr age gap is ok as long as you are fit enough to cope with baby stage again.

My DH is four years younger than his brother and honestly it’s just what he knows, he has never ever thought he wished they were close in age. They absolutely played together growing up, and they have always got on as adults. Now they’re properly adults, four years seems like nothing really.

Also in terms of how challenging things are, I hate to say it, but I have found the late primary years harder than the toddler years so far. I definitely wouldn't look at it as you are finally out of the hard days and it's only smooth sailing ahead. They do get tricky and emotional and hormonal as they get older and approach pre-teens. It's actually harder to get out of the house with a 9 year old than it was with a 2 year old (I can't just pick her up and put her in the car anymore). If you worry about not wanting to go back to the 'hard days' you may feel you missed out eventually when things are still hard for other reasons. There is really no perfect time or age gap, as long as you can afford them and have the emotional capacity to be a good parent.

My age gap is four years and four months (boy and girl).

It's probably not what I'd have chosen but could not have asked for more. My son was old enough to understand a bit, be helpful in terms of pass me the nappy etc, big enough to understand he couldn't just put toys into her basket etc and was really lovely company for mat leave as he was just on half days at nursery..

He honestly loved her from day one. No jealousy and would sit and play with her in her bouncy chair showing her his toys, letting her grab his finger etc.

They get on great and still do at 9 and 5. Were brilliant together through lockdowns and manage to play well together. Very few arguments. The odd bit of bickering but nothing like I see with my friends who have smaller age gaps.

They've still done sleepovers together, made things together, read stories together and my god if I tell one of them off the other is straight there hugging them!

Of course a lot comes down to personality. My son is fairly quiet and not really a boisterous boy. She has come on so fast because of his input.

The downsides? It's harder to keep the younger one away from technology. She can press buttons on Minecraft like lightning! And those big plastic lumps of toys your first loved are totally pointless. If they can see the next stage up they want that!

There is about 5.5 years between my two children and currently preg now due any day with my third. Eldest is at secondary , middle child is at primary so when they are at school I can focus on baby. I have friends who have children with 1-2 year age gaps and I don’t know how they do it with a baby and a toddler , there would be no rest. Works for some , doesn’t work for others.

agree with PP , you either want a second or you don’t . Age gaps don’t matter if you want another child

11 years between our eldest and his twin brothers. We didn't plan it that way but that's just how it worked out in the end. It's been fine and as others have said, they don't know any different

I think if you need to look this hard for a reason not to have one, you really don't want one.
The age gap is immaterial. If you really wanted another child you wouldn't care at all. It sounds like you really don't want another one and are trying to think of an excuse so you can tell yourself you didn't make that choice.

It's ok to choose to have just the one.

6 years between mine (one boy and one girl) and they get on well/happily play together. If you're not sure whether you want another that's obviously fine/a different issue but I wouldn't let the age gap put you off. Sibling relationships are more about their personalities than age.

I'm planning a 5+ year age gap. It means the first 5 years my ds had undivided attention and he is at a age with less input from me which would mean I can focus on the baby even if it's the fraction I have had with my son. I can focus on both physically with the baby, verbally and emotionally with my ds1. I have 5 years between my younger sibling and we get on very well but my mum was a better mum with my younger sibling as she left 5 years. There's 15 months between my older sibling and me and I remember mum always being stressed out so I don't think it was something I ever wanted and I never had the quality that my younger sibling had. My friends have a year between and they look worn out. I've never looked at providing a play mate for ds but would prefer a healthy mother-child relationship with enough focus and enough energy to provide a healthy sibling relationship in the future for them.

YABU. We have a 3.5 year gap and it's great.

I am an only child and it's fine, but I wouldn't choose it. I often feel adrift and lonely now my parents are getting older. I didn't used to care so much at all but now seeing the growing relationship between my two children I realise how much in life I've missed by not having a sibling.

Not a big deal. I have various age gaps between all of mine. Eldest 15, youngest 5. DC1 and 2 have 3y gap, DC2 and 3 5y gap, DC3 and 4 have 23 m gap.

Mine (biological) children are four years and a day age gap. Perfect as birthdays fall on different days.

I would say growing up they weren't close, kind yes, but not so close. During teenage years they have become closer. Now they are adults very close.

Me and my sister have almost a four year age gap and she's my closest friend. We followed a similar pattern.

I've got 4 years between the oldest two and 5 between my middle and youngest and personally I think it's great. Never had the whole two kids in nappies thing and it's been really good in terms of bonds etc. My oldest (18 v soon) gets on brilliantly with my youngest (8) though does try to parent him sometimes!

Finding things to do was a bit of a challenge but again, a minor one. Things like going out for food, walks in the peak District and trampolining, bowling etc have generally been enjoyed by everyone but ultimately these things are secondary compared to just generally enjoying each others company and being a family. The issues of losing some of the freedom's you have as your child becomes a little less dependent on you is a valid concern but I think is outweighed by not having all the stresses of two very young children at the same time.

We have a 2 year age gap and honestly it's not all rainbows and unicorns. It's unbelievably brutal at times having two that are so close in age as they're still massively different developmentally in the first few years.

Toys that are safe for a 3 year old are often dangerous for 1 year old. 3 year old is still very intensive in terms of 1:1 time required but the 1 year old is now into everything and you can't take your eye off them cause they seem to have literally no self preservation skills yet.

The positives you mentioned are great in theory - but they aren't the full picture.

I agree with a PP - you either want another child or you don't. But I suspect a 4 year age gap would be lovely. Your 4 year old won't need you as intensely as a 2 year old would when the baby is born and would understand much more about having a sibling, how to wait their turn, how to share etc.

Just be aware of the school starting dates - I've know a lot of people recovering from difficult births and needing to do the school run very soon after 😅

4 years is bigger when they are babies. As they old older

*it won't be as far away.