To not have a 2nd child because it would mean a 4yr age gap?

[gapanxiety]

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

About four and a half years between my eldest two. The first slept so badly so was in no hurry to add another to the mix! They mostly get on well but sometimes bicker and fight -like with the majority of siblings I guess. The biggest benefit of not having a two year gap is avoiding GCSE and A levels at the same time 🤣👍

We're a four year age gap. It's common enough that we had 5 sibling sets in their classes at school.

4 year gap each between my older 3 . Only one in nappies at a time , one waking up at night , no jealousy as they understand what's happening, no double buggy . Lots of positives

I have 4 years and 4 years. It's absolutely lovely, they all get on. youngest is now a teen and his siblings adore him and he loves them. i have never felt it's a big gap

6 year age gap between my two DD's. It was wonderful. Older one was very invested in "bringing up" little sister. Played with her when she was little, and then has been a fab older sister now they are teens/twenties. DD2 got to have all of DD1's clothes passed down, she waited patiently until she was big enough. They now exchange clothes, and socialise together too. There was a hidden benefit for the older one, in that she continued to play with toys deemed unacceptable for older girls, things like kitchens and barbies and Sylvanians, she had the excuse she was playing with DD2. Interestingly all DD1's friends used to ask to come round and play too...... interesting and a little sad, that they had to make that excuse when they got older, but it WAS a very good excuse.

I didn't feel ready for a second until DD was over 3 and a half. I have admittedly been looking for it but I've actually heard a lot of positive stories of 4-5yr age gaps, allows you proper time with each baby as the older one is a bit more independent. It's still possible for them to have a good relationship, it depends on the kids. My sister and I have a 2 Yr gap and didn't get on as kids. My best friend is one of 4 and gets on least well with the sibling with 1 Yr age gap, the others are 5 and 9 yrs and get on much better with her! I have another friend who specifically didn't want too big a gap as she felt like her and her brother had nothing in common - I think thay was a 3 Yr gap.
I'm currently pregnant and gap will be nearly 4.5yrs so I'm hoping it will be OK! DD is excited aboutt being a big sister

Additional, not so much the norm now, but there is a 13 year gap between myself and my youngest brother, bigger gaps with the older ones. I had a fantastic childhood. Essentially I had four dads to demand attention from, and as I got older they used to take me shopping and stuff, in fact often mistaken as their child, much to their shagrin.

4 year gap almost exactly between my two boys. Youngest is only 9 months but so far so good. Older DS adores his brother. Baby DS' face lighting up when his big brother comes home melts my heart 🥰

have several y only child friends who are now dealing with issues like ageing parents and all that comes with that in their own.

I feel for them. It’s tough on your own when you start becoming needed by your own parent
This happens in families with 2 (or many more) siblings so is a moot point. Honestly despair seeing this kind of comment made on every single thread comparing only children to those with siblings!‘

people with only kids can get so defensive about the benefits of having a sibling, but having a sibling DOES mean that you can have an ally for most of your life, someone who understands you, your family, your parents, and YES can be a support when there are issues with parents, or health scares etc
That’s just a fact. My DSis is the only one who can even come close to understanding how I felt when we lost our mother, and now we look after our dad together.

my BFF is an only child who has both parents Needing care and help now, and as they’re divorced she’s run ragged going between 2 cities sorting out their needs, their finances etc as well as having her own family to look after.
That’s the reality.

4.5 between me and my sister and my boys have a nine year gap
Yes it does make for some challenges in what you can do but also there's always someone to go on rides etc with the small one for example so it's ok both ways

4 year age gap here too with a 9 and 5 year old, again not planned but had 5 miscarriages between them so that’s where we ended up! It’s been fabulous, when my eldest started school my youngest was 6 months so i was able to give him all the attention and 121 time my eldest had had before he came along whilst my daughter was at school. The baby will go along with whatever you do at weekends for the eldest and as they get older there are lots of places that cater for activities to deal with this kind of age range.

They are now at a great age together, share toys and interests and play games together. My youngest benefits from his older sisters experience and help and she definitely pulls him up: my eldest is still able to play down an age bracket and play with toys with him she probably thinks her friends would think were too young to be cool now but I know she secretly still loves! They is less competition between them than some of my friends who have a smaller gap because they are so obviously at different stages. I think if I’d have had a second sooner when my eldest was a toddler she would have struggled a lot more, she was more mature at 4 and could understand sharing my time between them both. Plus children that age love to help and can be incredibly handy fetching the stuff you need all the time with a baby! It’s worked out well for us, I absolutely would not put off having another child for this reason from my experience.

We have a 5 year gap, not intentional but it took us 4 years to have baby 2. It has actually worked out lovely. Means the oldest was quite independent and at school so I had lots of time with child 2. They get on amazingly well and share toys etc. Going out we tend to go most places altogether although have taken Child 1 to certain places on her own eg the circus. It actually transformed child 1 when she got a sibling and is lovely to watch the interaction.

DC 1 and DC4 have a five year age gap. They shared many interests and activities as kids (football, swimming, camping, lego, computers, bikes, skating, ski-ing) and still do as grown adults.

I think the age gap is a red herring here. You’ve mentioned in your post about finding the weekends with a small child tough/lonely; also that you think of worrying about the regret of not having a second only after having got through the “five tough years” of raising it. It doesn’t sound as though you’d enjoy the day to day of having two small children. Also your first is only 2.5 so you haven’t yet experienced what age 3, 4, 5 and beyond is actually like yet. What if you don’t enjoy any of those ages either? Then you have to do it a second time. To me it reads as though you have a picture perfect life in mind of two harmonious and more independent children with a great sibling bond, and what you’re actually weighing up is, is it worth the pain of bringing up another baby/toddler to get there?

One of mine was just 4 when new DS was born (DD was 15!). For us it's been great, DS4 loves his little brother, likes to look after him but is old enough for us to explain that he is in fact a baby and not a new toy for him to throw around.
On a practical note DS is also at school full time so when I go back to work we'll only have one massive nursery bill.
I did think I wanted a smaller age gap between the 2 of them but it's been great so far.

Never considered 4 years to be a big age gap, there's 4 years between my eldest and 2nd and 5 between eldest and youngest. Never been an issue

Is there anything wrong with a 4 year gap? I personally don't think its a big gap.
We're planning a 5 (nearly 6) year gap for various reasons.

We have a 4 year gap, planned for it to be 3 but similar to you my DF passed away, DM was ill then had a MC so took longer than expected.

But I've found it great, I was on maternity when DD1 started school so she could get settled without having to do long days in wraparound care. Plus time alone with baby was nice.

DD1 was really helpful too when her sister was a baby and I feel at that bit older age I can explain why DD2 who is nearly 2 now acts how she does (usual toddler stuff) and she is very patient with her. I think they will def get closer as they get older.

Me and my DSis are 6 years apart and did argue a lot growing up but are very close now.

3years and 3 months between mine, as it was with me and my brother, and both my DC, and me and my bro get on pretty well.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum OP.

I’ve got four years between mine. It meant I was on maternity leave as DD started school which was lovely.

They get on fine now, he keeps her young and she will hang out with him, and she means he can act a bit older at times which is great for eating out etc.

We find having 2 is now less work because they are each others playmates. It’s much easier to ignore them when they have each other so ‘I’m bored’ isn’t really a thing!

Due next month with my second and will have a 4 year age gap. It wasn’t intended as we had been trying for a long time but now I am excited that I will be on Mat leave when my eldest starts school. I can trust her to be in a room on her own or ask her to get something from upstairs for me without needing to supervise her 100% as I would a 2 year old. She is so excited about a baby brother and I think it will do her the world of good to understand she needs to share the attention and mummy and daddy can’t jump at her every need. Also means only one lot of nursery fees at a time!

we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

what evidence do you have of that?

My eldest sister is 12 years old and we are very close, im not so close to the sibling closer in age to me by 3 years though

I have a 4 and half year gap between mine. It's been great really. The older looks after the younger and they can still play nicely together. There are times when the elder wants to do things that the younger is too young for. If this happens we split up and I will have a day out with youngest and dh will have a day out with oldest or something like that. To be honest, I've never felt the age gap has been a big issue. I would say less problems that smaller age gaps.

Plus there is the benefit of having a gap in childcare costs and also even uni costs. Very thankful now there is a 5 academic year gap so if we need to suppose each child through uni, we have a nice gap to save money etc.

3.5 years between mine. Don't see it as a 'big' gap at all.