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Original poster

To not have a 2nd child because it would mean a 4yr age gap?

250 replies

gapanxiety · 09/01/2023 10:29

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

OP posts:
Soozikinzii · 09/01/2023 10:41

Yes I have 6 boys 1 DSs and 5 DSs with varying gaps ! The ones with 4 years between get on great the ones close in age argued more . Now they're all adults they are very close . I think a 4 year gap is fine .

Mummyratbag · 09/01/2023 10:42

4 year gap here, thick as thieves...won't sleep in different rooms. I think you are overthinking this. There is plenty they have done and will do together. Only sticking point is little one (10) thinks he's older and sometimes gets annoyed that he isn't allowed to do what the 14 year old is. It is a minor irritation that I'm sure happens with most siblings.

Either you want another or you don't. Your choice, but I wouldn't not do it over a minor age gap.

HerculesMulligan · 09/01/2023 10:45

Mine are a little more than 5 years apart. They adore each other, never fight, play nicely together and even when there's an issue about sharing, for example, my DS is old enough and wise enough at 8 not to let his 3yo sister wind him up or suck him into her toddler strop. As people upthread have said, it was great to have undisturbed time with her as a newborn when he was at school, but also great for him that his busy school life went on happily in routine and wasn't disrupted by a new baby. It does feel like we've been in the pre-school years forever, but that's quite nice given how quickly they grow!

I worried a little about the age gap during my pregnancy and grilled people with kids who had a similar gap, but it certainly wouldn't have deterred us from having a second child.

HerculesMulligan · 09/01/2023 10:46

Oh yes - as the OP above me says, my 3yo thinks she's 8 and is most offended not to be treated that way!

Lovingtheglitter · 09/01/2023 10:46

There is a 6 year age gap between mine. Tricky couple of years when the oldest was in secondary school and youngest was in year 3 but that was mainly down to undiagnosed add in my older one - now are so close and will visit each other and have face time and they msg quite a lot. But they are 25 and 19 now. I would say go for it!

Onthebrink87 · 09/01/2023 10:46

I have 3 boys. 9, 13 and 15. There is only 16m between my older 2 boys and an outright brawl is almost certain if they're expected to spend more than 10 minutes together in close proximity. Both of them get on really well with my 9 year old son - happily offer to take him to the park if the weather's nice (and the 15 year old has no plans with his 'boys') and also happily invite him to their rooms to play on the playstation/xbox/vr together.

I think personality is far more likely to dictate if they get along.

user8912 · 09/01/2023 10:48

2-4 year gap is completely normal. I'd opt for 4 years over anything under 3 (personally).

mummabubs · 09/01/2023 10:48

For what it's worth... I always pictured having a smaller age gap (ie 2 years) but ended up with a 4 year gap (DS is now 5 and DD is 1). They're currently very close! There's also a 6 year gap between me and my sister and honestly she's one of my best friends, couldn't be closer to her. I also know plenty of siblings with small gaps who don't get on at all (like my DH who barely speaks to his sibling). So I'd say don't get hung up on the gap as being any indicator of closeness x

Mrsjayy · 09/01/2023 10:49

I meant to add we enjoyed family time you just do things they both enjoy I don't see why that is difficult? Also they did fight occasionally or didn't get on at different times but I think you could get that with any gap..

VitaminX · 09/01/2023 10:49

4 years is more than I would have ideally wanted as well, but life isn't always ideal is it? It's certainly not too much that I would have just sacked off the idea of a second child. They will still very much have a sibling relationship and a shared childhood.

Cantbebotheredwithchores · 09/01/2023 10:49

Me and my sibling have 4.5 years apart, my husband and his sibling have the same.
I love that age gap.
We're close to our siblings. My husband is close to his sister and I'm close to mine.
Early teens we weren't very close but as we got older we are.
My niece and daughter have that age gap too, they are close like siblings and see each other most days. Even when my baby was a newborn I had no concerns babysitting my niece at the same time.
I wouldn't like a smaller age gap.
A lot of my friends have much smaller age gap between their children and have said they wish it was a bigger age gap.
Some people prefer to have a small one and get all the nappies etc out of the way first.

My little one is 3 now and it took us a while to conceive her. Ideally I'd like to get pregnant anytime from now.. it may never happen but we have a cut off date when she is 5 to stop ttc. But that's just us not wanting anymore babies after the age of 35 (we've been ttc for since were 27).

Susanthehappytrottingelf · 09/01/2023 10:49

I think a lot of it is about the attitude you take to it.

My DH has a sister 4 years older - when we first met, I honestly formed the impression she must be 10+ years older because whenever he talked about her it was always "oh she didn't do that with us because she was so much older", their parents really set her apart and assumed she wouldn't be interested in her younger siblings and.. surprise she wasn't.

I have cousins 5 years apart in age who are incredibly close, their parents didn't approach it that way

Fabfam · 09/01/2023 10:50

4 years between my two youngest. Absolutely no problems when they were little and get on really well as adults .
Husband has 10 year age gap between himself and sister…they have absolutely no relationship but that’s because of personality not age gap.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2023 10:50

gapanxiety · 09/01/2023 10:29

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

@gapanxiety

you could always stick with having just the one child?

you talk about life finally feeling a bit more settled and easier and sounds like you’re enjoying that - and why wouldn’t you?!

Moxysright · 09/01/2023 10:51

I’d say a 4 year age gap is fine. Eldest will be in school and you can spend qt with baby. Plus you won’t be killed off by nursery fees for both like we currently are🫠

JussathoB · 09/01/2023 10:52

Hi I don’t think an age gap of 4 or 5 years is something to worry too much about. Having another child will obviously change your family so you are worrying a little about it, but if you want a family with more than one child, and you wish your child to have a sibling, then this is the only way! Having another baby brings practical issues but also hope and love. If you think it’s right for you, the age gap doesn’t matter and it really is only slightly bigger than the ‘standard’ and could well work out better! Even when children are say two years apart, they are usually not in the same swimming or dancing class or whatever, and have different abilities in playing games or riding bikes, so each child has to be provided for. You can make a bigger family if you want to. Good luck

Houselamp · 09/01/2023 10:53

I think a slightly bigger age gap can be a very good thing.
I have a few siblings and am closest with the one with a five year gap between us.

I have a two year gap between me and my older sibling, which meant because we were 'so close in age' I just did everything a bit early/too young to make it easier. So we went to the big park as soon as she was ready, we both went to bed at her bedtime, our mum stopped reading bedtime stories to us when she grew out of wanting it, and It was fine but there was a lot that I wasn't ready for, and she never got treated any differently for being older.
Wheras with my age gapped younger sibling we got treated more as individuals and he got all the benefits of older siblings, playmates, someone to show him how to do things etc he also got to do stuff at his own pace because he was the only one his age.

We are all very close as adults but me and him never had the childgood squabbles like our closer aged siblings and i think that helped too.

Crazycat53 · 09/01/2023 10:53

My ds is 13 & DD 9. They get on really well with each other, always have done.

BertaHoon · 09/01/2023 10:56

Mine have a 12 year age gap. DD is 13 and an Auntie! Couldn't ask for a better big brother.

4 years between me and my brother we were and still are always very close.

Mariposista · 09/01/2023 10:56

4 years is fine. But make sure you do it for the right reasons. There is nothing wrong with just 1 child and it is true that your kid is now approaching that 'nicer' age, where you can enjoy being a parent.

Catspyjamas17 · 09/01/2023 10:56

Mine are 17 and 13 and get on well, and always have - most of the time anyway!

I have friends with kids with smaller and also much bigger age gaps.

PuttingDownRoots · 09/01/2023 10:56

I understand where you are coming from... once they start school its a big step psychologically as in what tour daily life looks like... controlled by weekends, school holidays, what activities they can do, more independent etc. We went right off the idea of another (third child) when we realised that.

But best friend has a five year gap between hers, I have a two year gap. We have different challenges and different advantages of our age gaps.

Ultimately, the new child is an individual. Not a sibling or a potential friend... their own person. Thats what you need to decide if you want.

FarewellandGoodnight · 09/01/2023 10:58

I feel I can speak authoritatively on this as I have:

19 month gap

6 year gap

4 year gap

Gap between first dc abs fourth dc is 12 years Grin

I can categorically say that my two with the 4 year gap (despite being opposite sexes) have always been the closest in terms of playing together.

FlumpFlibbertigibbet · 09/01/2023 10:59

5.5 year gap here between DS and DD. This is due to PND and then 2 miscarriages. They adore eachother (7 and 2 currently).

Yes I’d have preferred less of a gap, but I’m
so grateful to have them both.

MasterBeth · 09/01/2023 10:59

Four years isn't a big age gap.