To not have a 2nd child because it would mean a 4yr age gap?

[gapanxiety]

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

My cousin has 4 each 4 years apart and they all get along well - the older ones help with the younger ones, the younger ones benefit from doing ‘older’ things as they’re keeping up with the big kids or having older experiences, and the children don’t have all that attention and focus on them that can often happen with only kids.

Also, I'm very sorry for all you've been through.

4 year age gap between me and my sibling and same with my dh and his sibling. Knew quite a few ppl growing up with same age gap between siblings. Has never been an issue.

There's three and a half years between me and my sister. It was never a problem.

DH is not close to his sibling who is 17mo younger. He is close to the one 8y younger.

Lots of positive responses saying 4 years not a big age gap. I agree there are pros and cons of all gaps, but also the reality of meeting the needs of children 4/5 years apart filled me with dread. So I think I understand your reservations. I was very lucky to have two pregnancies close together. Had that not been our reality I would have had an absolute blast with one child. Financially, emotionally and practically much easier especially as your already suggesting life has started to feel easier. Good luck OP and I’m so sorry about your DM.

I know two families with a four year age gap and it’s worked so beautifully that I was actually planning the same for our family.

We have a 4 year age gap it’s been amazing. No jealousy from the older child when baby arrives. Plus they’re more self-sufficient than a toddler while you’re dealing with a new baby. My two get on so well. You do end up with far more toys in the house as they’re at different stages.

4 years isn't a large gap, is it?

I have 10 so maybe my view is skewed.
I don't think the size of the gap should determine whether you have another child or not.

I have a six year gap with mine and whilst it is a bit of an issue in that they rarely like to do the same type of things it really isn't a massive issue in the grand scheme of things, certainly not a reason not to have another child!!

This 👆

Can't believe anyone would see it as a 'large gap'

3.5 bebtween mine, seems very usual (know lots of people in school etc with the same gap, children in the same years). Absoltuely fine and lots of advantages. I'd personally not have considered a smaller gap.

we ultimately decided to stop at one, but a 4 year gap is the ideal in my mind. 3 is pushing it for too close.

Conversely the reality of meeting the needs of two small children at the same time would absolutely fill me with dread. I was so glad DD had the independence she did, and was much easier to deal with, when we had DS and that I was able to devote so much time to each child individually when they were small. My career would also absolutely have suffered with two back to back maternity leaves, I managed to achieve progression between the two which I would otherwise not have had, as well as replentish our finances (and my emotional capacity as a parent). Pros and cons, and each to their own I'd say. And I would say a larger gap seems far easier to me.

In fact, I always thought if I had a third I would wait till DS was in school. Several of my friends have that gap and have the best of both worlds as they have the whole school day to devote to the baby.

Also, two in nursery at the same time sounds horrendous for finances!

6 years (and opposite genders) between me and my older brother, we've always been really close to this day 🙂

I have seen it happen more often with those with two kids 🤷🏻‍♀️ one bails, one is left to 'deal' with ageing parents PLUS resentment at sibling. I was the only one sorting out my parent's estate when they died and I have 3 siblings. One of whom I nearly fell out with for good due to their expectations and handling of it all. The other 2 siblings had zero input. I was signed off work for MH issues following that experience so stop generalising - neither way is right or wrong.

You either want 2 children or you don’t.
I wanted a 4 year age gap with mine mainly because we have no help and we don’t want to pay for 2 lots of childcare. We ended up having almost a 6 year age gap however all my friends except one have a 4 year age gap. 3 to 4 year age gap seem to be the norm where I live so It’s hard for me to understand where you’re coming from with this.

I have three children, 2.5 year gap then 4.5 year gap. They're 2, 6 and 9 now. Both age gaps are fine and neither is better, in my experience. My 6 year old and 2 year old play together more than my 6 year old and 9 year old at the moment! Part of that is just personality, but 6 year old and 9 year old do play together and all three of them play together too.

No issues with finding family stuff to do, either.

Essentially what I have learned from my own experience and experience of friends having different age gaps between #1 and #2 is that age gap actually matters a lot less than you think. Kids play with each other and find points of shared interests. Sometimes they don't get on so well, sometimes they do, their relationship isn't static and definitely fluctuates. But generally it's not much to do with age differences.

PS apologies to the OP for the slight derailment here! Whether you have 1 or more kids is really up to you and any age gap is just what it is and it may work out beautifully, equally it may not. Ask yourself do YOU really want another and go with that. Good luck!

The obsession with 2 year age gaps on here is truly creepy.

There are times when the gap feels big. Such as when eldest starts high school and youngest is several years behind them in primary-I remember that summer being a bit tough finding things everyone enjoys (but you do). And then times when the gap feels smaller and it all runs along swimmingly. Such is family life! Swings and roundabouts.

Personally I loved it that the oldest was out of nappies and could put on her own coat and shoes when the youngest arrived and take themselves off to the loo when I was breastfeeding etc. worked well. Meant they continued with their pre school free hours too meaning I got some time alone with youngest and I was still on mat leave when eldest started primary and didn't need breakfast and after school club straight away and was around more to settle her in.

I'm closest to my sister who is 5 years younger than me.

There are 7 years between my 2 boys(9 & 2) and they play together! I was worried that they'd be too far apart age-wise to have anything to do with each other but I have been pleasantly surprised.

This. I swear some people don’t realise they are bringing future teens and adults into the world. Can she not imagine her kids being 25 and 21 or 34 and 30 or 56 and 52 hanging out together?

The age gap thing is only relevant during school years and even then if the kids have similar personalities they will still hang out and play together.

My 2 have a 6 year gap and although they don’t share friendship groups, they are very tight especially when on holiday (although they still fight and argue loads which annoys the shit out of me!). I’m looking forward to them having their own kids and the cousins being friends.