To not have a 2nd child because it would mean a 4yr age gap?

[gapanxiety]

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

4y isn’t a big gap, that’s quite usual. 3 seems pretty common so 4 by the time it happens successfully is not uncommon at all. 3-4y is fine. When looking at more like 8-9 is more tricky as their interests will be very different and the first used to being only children and May resent the baby, or be stuck babysitting etc. don’t be put off by pretty normal 4y gap

Ps have seen godawful sibling rivalry with kids who are very close in age, esp when boy/boy or girl/girl.

Large age gap???? It’s 4 years not 14!!! Can’t believe what I’m reading get a grip!

just because that is your experience does not make it ‘the reality’ for everyone. So narrow minded can’t you see past your own bubble? Many many people have to deal with their parents ageing etc on their own even when they have siblings and many people have siblings with no or little contact. See outside your little box and realise just because it’s your reality does not make it everyone else’s!

Go for it - 4 years in nothing. There is 3 years between my 2 ( 13/10 now) , we did want them closer together but it didn't happen straightaway. But they get on so nicely now (when they're not fighting of course) . Yes sometimes there are things one wants to do and its not suitable but we manage. Having said that I had a 1 year gap with with my next oldest brother and we got on great - as soon as he moved out of of home!

Eh? Why worry about something you can't change. You can't go back and have a child with a 2 year age gap now, can you? I have similar age gap, miscarriage in between. It's fine. Anyway you don't have a choice/alternative do you? Do either have s gap, or no 2nd child!

8 year age gap between mine, having spent 6 years ttc. Honestly it’s perfect. My first is like a little mother hen towards my second, and my second absolutely adores his big sister. They have the occasional spat, my first is now in her teenage years so her little brother can seem annoying to her sometimes. But on the whole they get along great, she sits and helps him play his video games (as me and their dad are clueless with technology but teen is a pro!) she takes him to our local park sometimes over the road, she makes snacks and they sit together and watch a Disney movie, sometimes he even had a little ‘sleepover’ in her bedroom. Honestly I wouldn’t worry about the age gap, you can’t plan everything and sometimes life has other plans. Once they’re here everything just falls into place.

I have an 18 month age gap with a sibling I am not close to, and a five year gap with another sib who is my best friend.

I have DC with age gaps varying between 18 months and 5 years. 4 years is really not remarkable, in a good way.

I grew up with siblings 4 and 6 years older than me. I will be honest I found it lonely and it is the reason I have <18 months between my two children, and wouldn’t have wanted to have any greater than two years. It was impossible for my family to cater to everyone, so as the youngest I just got dragged along to the older ones’ activities. We have fantastic family holidays as my kids can basically do everything together because they’re at a similar age and size. Whereas one of my siblings who has large gaps has basically given up on holidays because the eldest never wants to go and leave her friends and the middle one complains about having to do ‘baby stuff’ with the youngest.

However the fact that there were two older siblings probably played a part in my experience as they had each other so I got left out. If there were only two of us we might have got along better through necessity. Also, childhood is a relatively small part of your life really. Unfortunately I’m not close with my sibling who is closest in age to me (because they are a selfish idiot) however I am very close with the sibling who is 6 years older than me, and have been for about 30 years. I wouldn’t have wanted not to have them in my life. It’s just that when I had the choice to pick, I felt that close gaps would be better in the childhood years and irrelevant in the adult ones.

Glad to read your update @gapanxiety As a parent of multiple children I can honestly say I think 3-5 year gap is my very favourite. I've always found kids close in age are far more competitive and tend to have similar needs at the same time which is hard. With a bigger gap of course dc still need you, but often in a way that compliments one another and not so similar that it feels I don't know what, but harder on their relationship. Of my close friend many are closest to their sibling they are 3-7 years apart from, than the ones with siblings close in age who often mention fighting a lot and resentment.

I've read a few studies that say that 'bigger' age gap is ideal too.

There's lots of great things about the gap you will likely have. As people have shared too it is becoming more common due to cost of living too. One dc in full time nursery is more than enough! Most of my friends with 2 dc had them 3+ years apart (many 4 and 5 years apart).

There's a 4 year age gap between mine and I think it's perfect! My 6 year old doesn't require as much 'attention', (no nappies at the same time, can leave him to his own devices within reason and safely of course etc). He can even help when I need him to. I feel we can devote more attention to them both.

I'm also the youngest in my family, with my brother and sister being 5 and 6 years older than me and that has always been absolutely fine. If you still want a baby, you go for it!

As a child I got on better with the sibling with the largest age gap (10 years!). The two year difference sibling, we did not get along. I don’t think you can base your decision on that. They may be close or they may not.

I have a 5 year old almost 6 and a 11 year old. We have no issue enjoying ourselves as a family at weekends 😆

They share similar interests but also have very different interests because they are different people, this has nothing to do with their age gap. My eldest loves her dance and drama and football my youngest loves her football, swimming and diving.

Comparatively my BF has a 8 year age gap one 11 the other 19 and they are like identical twins separated by time. They have exactly the same interests. my sister on the other hand had three children with 2 year age gaps and they share no interests with each other and as teens wouldn’t choose to spend time with each other. What I’m saying is how they get on has nothing to do with age and everything to do with personality and you don’t know what you are going to get until they are here.

my sister is 4.5 years younger than me and we have the best bond! We had the usual sibling squabbles when we were little but played together etc. I loved it when she was a baby! Go for it OP!

4 years between DC1 and DC2 and 4 years between DC2 and DC3 - they all get on great and we got to enjoy the baby/toddler years with each without trying to juggle a couple of babies at a time.

I'm sorry about your mother, op, you have had a hard time, but there is nothing wrong a four or even five year age gap between children and it is quite common. If you want a child, go for it.

4.5 years between mine. DC1 (summer born) started school 2 months before I had DC2 so gave me time to adjust rather than juggling 2 small DC at home all the time.

They do play together at now 9 and 5 albeit my DD is very much a 'mother hen' towards her brother.

The only obstacle I've come across is they might not enjoy the same days out now I.e soft play / farm parks.

I have a 9 year gap between my 2 DS. The age gap has meant to some extent they are like 2 only children. I considered a 3rd child but by the time my youngest DS was 4, I realised I didn't want to go back through the baby/ toddler years again. One of my DS has left home now, the other is still at school. I am glad I had 2 children, not just because I love them both, but because they are very different which demonstrates to me that how they are is down to individual differences rather than our parenting (helpful when they are going through tricky teen years).

I also hope they will be a support to each other when they are both adults. My DSis is 7 years younger than me and I didn't have much in common with her growing up, we are very close as adults. My closest sibling in age was only 2 years age difference but we fought like cat and dog throughout our childhoods. Miserable for us and our parents. Now we no longer have to live in the same house we get on fine.

I have an almost 5 year gap. My eldest is 15 now and youngest 10. They are best buddies (most of the time!) and the eldest really looks after his younger sibling. I was worried about the gap but it's been so good. There was no jealousy when my DD was born. My DS was just so excited. I could concentrate on baby as he was a bit more independent by that age. He could entertain DD too which made life easier. In terms of wanting to do different things that has been a problem but only occasionally. Like I wanted to take them to the cinema but eldest wants to watch a film too old for youngest. I just took them separately as it's nice to have 1:1 time sometimes. Most of the time we are fine to do things together, though. I think it's a lovely age gap.

4 years age gap between mine as well and they get on brilliantly. I did not want a smaller age gap. I wanted the eldest to sleep well and be a bit independent before I had a baby again. Life would have been a bit more settled and I would have had more free time now if I just had the eldest, but probably a bit more boring as well.

It's a really common gap now, likely due to expensive childcare! As others have said it's irrelevant once they are grown and I think having an adult sibling is equally as important as a younger sibling to play with.

My kids are 4 and 8 and they got on really well most of the time. They absolutely love each other. My husband has siblings that are 15 years younger than him and also we are close as adults.

Using the age gap as a reason doesn’t really stack up. Sibling relationships and family dynamics are dependent on so many other factors. You can make it work with minimal effort.
However, deciding to stick at one because you enjoy the family you have now, is also perfectly valid choice. You’re allowed to reassess and change your plans as circumstances alter.

I think when it comes to having more children you know in your heart of hearts what you want, even if there may be obstacles in the way, or in your case your timeline not quite running to plan.
Are you sure you want another? To me it almost sounds as if you are looking for excuses not to as you enjoy your life as it is now. This is perfectly valid.

I’m in a very similar position. There’s a 5 year gap between my kids. I also had a miscarriage in between and there’s no family nearby. I have to say it’s hard going back to no sleep again and both my children are high needs clingy hating sleep kiddos. I found the adjustment period of 6 months really hard, cried my eyes out daily… now however when the littlest one is 7 months it’s absolutely beautiful to see them together. They light up when they see each other. I don’t know if it continues like that forever but my DS is besotted with his sister, he matured loads since having her! Mind you, he’s been asking for a sibling since he could talk. I’m an only child and although I never wanted a sibling now that I’m older I wish I had more family. That’s the reason why I decided to have my daughter. Good luck! There’s no right or wrong answer really. One thing to add, 2 kids are way harder than one but when one is at school most of the time it’s a little easier