To not have a 2nd child because it would mean a 4yr age gap?

[gapanxiety]

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

A 4 year age gap is not a large gap!!

I have a six year age gap, like yourself always imagined a small gap but life doesn’t always work out that way. I wouldn’t change it in any way at all. And like a previous poster said, once the eldest is at school it’s just you and the baby but it’s a lot easier second time round. Less stress and worry. I would defiantly recommend this age gap x

It's a very normal age gap

I have a 4 year gap between my eldest and youngest (appreciate the dynamic is different as I have a middle one too). The eldest and youngest have a gorgeous bond, they are only 6 and 2, but since our youngest was born the eldest has adored her, and now the youngest is a little older she completely adores her older sister. Those two actually play together much better than the middle one does with either of them at the moment!

You know the work of looking after a baby and toddler so you know that it’s going to be tough no matter the age gap. Do you want to do this work and delay the easier time by a few years or do you want that easier time from now on?

Four years doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t get on or have nothing in common. I have three with two years between each other - so there’s four years between DC1 and DC3. They have a lovely relationship and loads in common. It’s pretty easy to find things for all of us to do together. Don’t not have another because of what or might not happen.

I have a 4 yo (turning 5 in April) from a previous relationship. Myself and my now partner have just started ttc after coming off the pill last month... This obviously means there will be at least a 5.5 year age gap between my daughter and a potential sibling.
In an ideal world, I would have loved to have had another baby before now, but that's not always how life works. Me, my partner and my daughter are so excited at the idea of growing our family, no matter what the age gap will be.
Also, having a slightly older child may be easier?! My daughter is really excited about the idea of "helping out and playing with the baby" 😅

Five and a half years between my boys and I love it.

12 years between me and my oldest sibling and we get along great, as PP have said I didn’t know any different and never questioned it or how/if it effected our relationship. Much closer in adulthood then as teenagers/kids as she was an adult when I was still in primary school. Always saw it as a positive tho as if I had another person protecting me and felt safe when they were around.

I’m about to have number 2 and the gap will be close to 5 years. It’s not ideal for various reasons you’ve mentioned and it’s not what I ideally wanted (probably also because my sibling and I have a 2 year gap so that is what is familiar to me as well as more conventional), however there are also advantages - like dc1 being at school so easier with dc2 etc. DC1 had some additional needs that are far better managed now. I wasn’t ready to TTc again until now after traumatic birth, then covid and other life events delayed us further. Ultimately these were the cards we were dealt, this was the right thing for our family, and it is what it is.
FWIw my husband has a 4 year gap with his sibling and they are very close, he didn’t see it as an issue at all.
We took the long view when it came to it and we were ready to TTC number 2 that both of us really value our sibling relationships as adults, when the gap shrinks considerably. We wanted DC1 to have the opportunity for that relationship too (know not guaranteed). Also, I wanted a 2nd child and I couldn’t wind the clock back - so here we are. I’m very nervous about upending our reasonably calm lives and managing 2 different needs (and I’m way older now!) but hopefully it will all be fine! Also, DC1 was asking for a sibling!
you have to look forward in life, not back!

It is a normal gap. But if you don't want another kid that's ok

PS both my parents are the oldest of 3 and both are much closer to their youngest sibling with 10 year gaps!

4 years is hardly a “big gap”! Mine are 4 years apart and get along great (now they are 3 and 7). Having a 4yo was great when DC2 came along, as she was quite independent and understood what was happening. She and my son adore each other and are each other’s favourite people. They play together happily, and sometimes bicker as well. I wouldn’t have it any differently.

I think the gap is irrelevant in terms of how well your children will get on - that's down to personality.

From a logistics point of view, I do think 4 is a bit challenging. I have friends with similar gaps, friends with bigger gaps and friends with smaller gaps and I'd say it's me and the others with the roughly 4 year gap who find things hardest logistically. The bigger one remains small enough to need a lot of attention but its very different attention to the younger one. Friends with bigger gaps have this too, but for a much shorter time. eg, right now my children are 11 and 7 and things ARE a bit easier because I can leave the 11 year old at home or drop him somewhere etc, but a lot of the time I have to go in one direction with one child while DH takes the other somewhere else. Their interests and capabilities are wildly different. I know people who have bigger gaps but the increased independence of the older one gives them a bit more flexibility.

I don't think it's a reason not to do it though. Yes, it's given us a longer period of having to manage them, but it's not impossible. And in our case, they get on surprisingly well and the older they get the closer they become.

We have 4.5 years between middle and youngest. It’s great!! The whole week just with the baby at home and the older 2 at school.

4 years is nothing as adults. I’m 33 and my closest friends are 39, 37, 37 and 42.

There's 5 years between my two. I would have liked a smaller age gap but because of circumstances and miscarriages it just didn't happen that way.

Pros based on my experience:

1. The older one is fairly independent and can entertain herself. I can't imagine having two very young kids to be honest for this reason. I think it might be nice for the kids but for the parents a larger age gap is definitely easier.

Also, you only have one lot of nappies to change

1. Less rivalry, comparison and competition as they are at such different stages. They still want to.olay with exactly the same toys at the same time though.

1. Older one is mature enough to understand the needs of a baby, etc.

1. You can reuse bigger items (if you will have them) such as pram, toys, cot, car seat, etc as the older one will.have definitely grown out of them

1. You don't have to pay for childcare twice.

1. You don't need any sort of double pram as the older one can walk.

1. You will have hopefully got a few years of.uninterruped sleep because the sleepless nights start again

Cons: mine are still.young so a lot of this is speculation

1. Will they be less close?

1. Will they play less with each other?

1. Finding family activities that interest them both

1. Helping the older one with school issues is quite hard because a baby needs so much time and attention. On most days I cannot listen to DD read. Thankfully she loves reading and will read to herself but I do feel bad that I can't support her so much with her school work.

1. Similarly, it's difficult to support them with their increasingly complex emotional needs and social issues. There is so much drama at DDs school and with her friends and I often wish I had more.time.ro.talk.to her about that and help her. If she was younger her life wouldn't be so.complicated I think. A lot of this depends on whether you have an equally involved partner and how you divide up your time. (My dh does everything for DD but I do miss doing stuff with her myself). For me this is the most serious disadvantage.

1. Different drop offs (they'll always be at different childcare settings or schools.

In summary, I'd say go for it. I could be wrong but I feel like the very small age gaps (1-2 years) are a very British thing that I don't see so much in other places. A lot of my non British friends have age gaps of more.than 5 years and think nothing about it. Two of my friends are.pregnant now and both of them will have an age gap of 7 years between their kids and they aren't worried about it.

☝️

My older 2 were 6 and 8 when no.3 arrived. All was fine and they are as adults great pals now.

You are over-thinking this! There is never a perfect time to have a baby and you could argue yourself in circles with pros and cons for any age gap.

Massively confused - 3-4 years Ian’s the absolute norm isn’t it!?

two under two definitely isn’t the standard

of course 4 years is fine. So the gap isn’t relevant and shouldn’t put you off ima second if that’s what you want

BUT of course, as wonderful as it is, having a second is disruptive - physically, emotionally, financially. That’s nothing to do with the gap and you need to make the right decision for you.

I have a 4 year gap just under 5 in fact
Dc2 arrived just ad dc1 started school I loved being off for their reception year. Eldest was of an age to understand the change in family, adores his brother they adore each other now they're 10 and 5.
Gap was perfect for us

5 years between me and DSis and were about as close as 2 people can be. Give your child the gift of a sibling if you can.
2 years between our kids, and it was REALLY hard work when they were little!
a larger age gap means you can focus on them both separately more as they’ll be into different things at different times .

4 years is the norm I'd say. That's the difference between me and my brother and almost all my friends and their siblings.
I have 3 years 2 months between my girls and it's great so far.

I have several y only child friends who are now dealing with issues like ageing parents and all that comes with that in their own.
I feel for them. It’s tough on your own when you start becoming needed by your own parent

This happens in families with 2 (or many more) siblings so is a moot point. Honestly despair seeing this kind of comment made on every single thread comparing only children to those with siblings!

Well we planned a 4 year age gap. I didn't want to be at home with 2 so planned for eldest to be in school, means i can enjoy mat leave.

Very little jealousy, only 1 set of nappies/nursery fees etc, normal pushchair needed. Its been very easy