To not have a 2nd child because it would mean a 4yr age gap?

[gapanxiety]

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

My two DD have an 18 year age gap. So when the youngest was born, a couple of weeks later the eldest went to Uni. We visited while she was at Uni now and again. Now she's back and working from home (here at home). And now are 8 and 26 and they play board games and the little one is always interested in the eldest's make up etc. So we feel that the gap is ok really, and won't seem as big as they get older. I would've thought it was ideal having a young baby and one at school.

We have a 3.5 year age gap and it's been perfect so far! Baby is only 4 months but it's been really lovely and his big brother adores him.

I have a 6 yr old, 4 Yr old and a 4 month old. I loved having a close age gap with DD & DS1, but a variety of reasons meant DS2 came 4 years later. So far, I am also enjoying the bigger age gap. DD is at school and DS1 is at preschool, so I have some peace at home to give attention to baby. DS2 just slots in and comes along to all the things we do with the eldest 2. It works for us and we are happy. The close age gap was a whirlwind where they did everything together, but the independence of my older two mean I can give some well deserved attention to baby.

6 year gap between mine. Now 16 and 22. They are so close they are like twins.

4 years and 2 months between mine. So far (11 months in) it's all going very well. Big one loves the baby and the baby is worshipping the ground big one is walking on.
They already play together and have a giggle, it's so cute.
We wanted an age gap of around 4ish years :-)

A friend (well no longer a friend due to other reasons) who's children are 2 years apart and even though she has constant help from family had several burn outs because of the stress. Anyway, she said to me my kids are hardly siblings because of the age gap. Such a weird thing to say. Anyway, no longer a friend as she had some other weird opinions about things.

If you want a second child, go for it.

Thats not a massive age gap and even then, so what, at least they have a sibling one day when parents-grandparents are gone.My cousin has 2 girls 18-20 and had a son last year, there is nothing wrong even with bigger age gap, they are doting over their little brother.

4/5 years was my ‘ideal’ gap. We waited till our child was 4 before we started TTC again, luck was a funny thing though and Im going to end up with a 9 year age gap. Still very happy with that. Personally, I thought 2 years would have been exhausting and they’d grow up in competition their whole lives. I just didn’t want a close gap. But everyone views these things differently

7 years between me and my brother. Was never an issue and we are still close now.

You’ve had plenty of encouraging replies!

i agree with posters who say it’s more about if you want a second child rather than the age gap. I think all different age gaps have different pros and cons. A 4 year age gap is great in many ways such as the reduced child care costs, having plenty of time with the baby as the older one has started school and so on.

I know plenty of people with gaps that size. Sometimes for financial reasons, sometimes due to miscarriages.

i have a two year age gap between mine. I have two children and always wanted 4 but I found the days of having a baby and a young toddler so overwhelming I couldn’t cope with the idea of going again, so a two year gap isn’t always what you think it will be!

I have two sisters. One two years older than me and one four years younger. We are all very close now but growing up I was so close to the one four years younger and the one two years older was always left out. I don’t ever remember an age where we weren’t close or where I left her out.

The kids will have their own personalities and may or may not get on regardless of the age gap. If the itch is there to have a second I think you would regret not having one but doubt you would regret going for it. Good luck!

I have 3 children who are 16, 12 and 4. They are all totally different and get on at times but also fall out. They are all close and we are very much a family. I wouldn't worry about age gaps.

Please remember some people have no choice as to the gap. I wanted a two year gap....I got a 7 year gap.

Don't 'plan' your life out like this as it may not work to how you want it.....

If you want another child then go for it

3.5 years between dcs 1 and 2 and 4 years between 2 and 3. Its perfect from the logistical side, Older one has more independence so i had time to spend with newborn

Regarding them getting on, I think age is irrelevant. That's about personality. 1 and 2 argue a lot. Dcs 2 and 3 play together loads until dc3 wrecks 2s farm. DC 1 looks out for 3 and adores her.

If you want another child go for it. The age gap doesn't matter.

I have a 9 year age gap between my youngest two DS’s. They are 11yrs and 2yrs now and the absolute best of friends! 4 years is nothing. My eldest and youngest have 20 years between them. My eldest DS absolutely dotes on his little sister. There’s no such thing as a too big gap and honestly, if you want another child, then it shouldn’t even be a consideration.

Exactly. 3 years 7 months between mine. I wanted a larger gap to recover from the baby years. Mine fight like all siblings but they also play nicely together and love each other. There's plenty of things they can enjoy together and plenty they can do that suitable for their respective age groups. Do you want another child is what I'd be focusing on.

Hi. There’s an 18 month age gap between my girls and it also has pros and cons. Don’t focus on the age gap, decide whether you want the second. It’s harder, it does impact you, but speaking from experience, watching them grow together and that sibling bond is lovely x

I have an 8 year gap and the kids get on great, so far!
it’s hard sometimes finding activities for both so we got a dog and now they both like walking it. Sometimes we have to do seperate activities but you do that with all kids if they have different hobbies!

I have a brother 3 years, 11 months younger. Started school shortly after he was born.

Never remember an issue with us being entertained as kids- we both accepted we would do some stuff that wasn’t our perfect choice of activity. On holiday etc we would both have 1 choice of activity each we would definitely get and the rest we had to agree between us or Mum and Dad would chose for us.

As adults we have some complex family stuff which makes me very grateful for a sibling- we both have the same childhood experiences and there is absolutely no way anyone can replicate those shared memories and experiences. We are each other’s sounding boards and have each other’s backs without living in each other’s pockets, which works for both of us. He will call me for advice etc- I will call him to come and look at my car when my engine light is on! He still lives at home and doesn’t always get on with parents- I provide him a balanced view knowing all the characters and dynamics involved and having been through it already. If we have something to tackle, e.g. parent illness, we share information and agree an approach together. We freely arrange to meet up and do things we have shared interests in, with and without our partners or parents.

I wouldn’t call us best friends but it’s definitely a relationship I value and I think I would feel very lonely going through some of the things my family has faced in recent years without a sibling.

People are obsessed with gaps. Yes it means a huge jump back to nappies etc but it doesn't necessarily mean they won't get on or they will get on.

My husbands family are all 2 years apart and can barely stand the sight of each other... there are 6 siblings!!!!

My kids have huge gaps between them for various reasons. 8 years between first 2 and 6 between number 2 and 3. They are grand. Biggest hurdle was getting used to a baby.

I have 2 boys with a 4 year gap.
We didn't know whether to have another but honestly they get on so well.
My eldest loved having a little brother and my experience of only children is you always have to be the one to give them attention, play with them etc.

Mine have 3 years and 10 months behind them and I don't consider 4 years is a large age gap at all. They will be 50 and 46 this year and they get on well. The older one used to look out for her little brother until he reached his teens . They did fight from time to time too when they got a little older but all siblings do!!

I understand what you are saying that it gets a little easier once the baby gets to the stage of no nappies, a better sleeping routine etc and once I had my second baby I did have a few weeks of thinking that I must be mad to be having another as my daughter started nursery and I had briefly, a little more time to myself. But that feeling didn't last long - and honestly I quickly realised that it was GOOD. I had so much more time to look after baby no 2 and was much less stressed than I would have been if there had only been 18 months or so between them

I think if you want 2 children you would be best to go for it. You'll only regret it in a few years if you don't!

4 years between my two and 5 years between me and my sibling. Perfectly fine, I really don't see an issue.

Don’t overthink it OP. Nothings guaranteed, if you want two and you think you would enjoy a second child, and your child would enjoy a sibling, go for it. I have 3 siblings and the ones with the smallest age gap of 2 years are the least close.

We have an 8 year age gap!! Both adore each other.

I could have have written 90% of this word for word. I am also the youngest of three, both sisters are 4 and 6 years older than me and I often felt so lonely/almost like an only child when they were teens. The fact there were 3 of us likely didn't help as, like you say, they were closer in age and had each other/more common interests than they had with me.

For these reasons I wanted a 2 year age gap between my children, however I wasn't mentally or physically ready when the time came, so I have a 2 year 10 month gap instead, which I feel works pretty well for my two. A 4 year gap was my cut off point if I hadn't conceived a second 'in time' (I also gave myself a cut off age limit of 35 to get pregnant by due to increasing health risks). My experience is also the reason I won't be having more than 2 children, I worry that with an odd number one of them will always feel left out. This is all just from my own personal experience and concerns regarding age during pregnancy of course.

I do actually get on fairly well with my sisters now and growing up wasn't too bad, barring the feelings of being left out and lonely when they moved out when I was only just a teen.

I would have thought 4 years was a really nice age gap and fwiw my DD and DS with a 3.5 year age difference between them have always had a much closer bond than my two sons who have less than 2 years between them. 🤷🏻‍♀️