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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed over school dinner

231 replies

Annoyedbadger · 09/01/2023 08:24

Name changed for this.

Dd has just started primary and has 2 nights a week at dad's. She's never been a fussy eater but started asking for packed lunches.
I said no as lunches are free and she's more likely to eat a better variety
She told me over Xmas her dad is sending her in with a packed lunch. I asked him and he's said on his days he's doing a packed lunch and on mine she's having school meals.
Aibu to think that's confusing and should have been discussed with me 1st?

OP posts:
AnUnlikelyPairing · 09/01/2023 11:34

It's his day and he's feeding her. Unless the lunch he provides is inadaquate to the point of being neglectful then it's his decision.

Trinity65 · 09/01/2023 12:05

Annoyedbadger · 09/01/2023 09:06

Because he barely saw her for 2 years and now he's got a gf he wants involvement. He doesn't know what she likes or dislikes

Show quote history

Well he can clearly see, and know, she likes his packed lunches

Mrsjayy · 09/01/2023 12:07

Annoyedbadger · 09/01/2023 08:24

Name changed for this.

Dd has just started primary and has 2 nights a week at dad's. She's never been a fussy eater but started asking for packed lunches.
I said no as lunches are free and she's more likely to eat a better variety
She told me over Xmas her dad is sending her in with a packed lunch. I asked him and he's said on his days he's doing a packed lunch and on mine she's having school meals.
Aibu to think that's confusing and should have been discussed with me 1st?

It's her dad it's fine for you to do the mix of lunches for her, nobody is the bad guy .

serenghetti2011 · 09/01/2023 12:14

You just don’t like it that he’s doing something for her I think. Given the past but when she is there he parents when she is with you you parent. It’s hard to let go a bit op, but as long as she’s getting lunch you can send her in with school lunches on your days.

Calmdown14 · 09/01/2023 12:17

I understand. Are you in Scotland by any chance?

The school meals are good and there is always a sandwich option in there. I feel it is useful that they learn new skills like taking their trays up etc as well as trying new foods. Mine both love their dinners but the youngest has asked for a packed lunch because she likes the idea of taking in a sparkly bag, not because she doesn't like the food!

It does have an impact on you because it is more likely she will ask on your days too.

However I agree that it's done now and is not the hill to die on. Just be smug at the thought of him panicking to find something to make on his mornings and start reinforcing that is school lunches on mum's days and packed lunches on dad's so she understands the pattern... and he can get in in the neck when she misses out on fish or custard day!

herbaltea21 · 09/01/2023 12:53

I get why you're annoyed OP and I understand why you are annoyed at dad for going against your agreement.
These little things may seem superficial to others but little things add up. I just wanted you to know that I hear you.

CornishGem1975 · 09/01/2023 12:56

It's his time with her and he gets to choose how to parent in the way he sees fit.

Beautiful3 · 09/01/2023 13:14

I think its nice of her dad to pay and make lunches, on his days.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 09/01/2023 13:55

Wow. Dad making effort and doing something nice for child. What a bastard!

Alloftheboys · 09/01/2023 14:24

Is this issue really worth the fuss?
As long as she’s happy eating the packed lunch and eats a decent amount what’s the problem?

Finn10 · 09/01/2023 15:08

Flip the scenario - did you ask the father's permission when you insisted on school lunches?

You seem to be trying to find reason to pick a fight. Perhaps best not to put your Dd in the middle of your unresolved issues with your ex.

Smashingpumpkinsatchristmas · 09/01/2023 16:22

I totally get what you’re saying. He’s giving her packed lunch, she’ll ask you for them too. Then you totally feel like the bad guy for telling her no. I totally get it op

BabyFour2023 · 09/01/2023 16:55

Smashingpumpkinsatchristmas · 09/01/2023 16:22

I totally get what you’re saying. He’s giving her packed lunch, she’ll ask you for them too. Then you totally feel like the bad guy for telling her no. I totally get it op

Or she could just make her a packed lunch instead of making it them against her.

thedancingbear · 09/01/2023 17:13

Finn10 · 09/01/2023 15:08

Flip the scenario - did you ask the father's permission when you insisted on school lunches?

You seem to be trying to find reason to pick a fight. Perhaps best not to put your Dd in the middle of your unresolved issues with your ex.

Yep. A recurring theme recently, unfortunately.

herbaltea21 · 09/01/2023 19:32

Smashingpumpkinsatchristmas · 09/01/2023 16:22

I totally get what you’re saying. He’s giving her packed lunch, she’ll ask you for them too. Then you totally feel like the bad guy for telling her no. I totally get it op

Yes exactly.
A lot of people responding her aren't looking at the bigger picture.
Probably not the first example of dad saying yes when he's already agreed no with mum and then not even telling mum himself he's changed his mind.
I understand this. A lot.
Liek I said in my op, might seem little to others who don't get it but it's not always the full story.

CornishGem1975 · 09/01/2023 20:16

Oh piffle. My kids spend 50/50 with their dad, what he does on his time is up to him. I'm not afraid of being 'bad cop' with my kids, I'm happy to say no.

Coffeellama · 09/01/2023 20:19

If he wants to do lunches on his days it’s bugs decision. It causes her absolutely no harm, she still gets variety overall, it still doesn’t cost you anything, and you can just say ‘no you have packed lunches on dads days and school dinners the other 3’ and you both get to learn about compromise.

I think it’s worth picking your battles when coparenting and this isn’t one worth fighting.

Coffeellama · 09/01/2023 20:20

His decision….not bugs

Yesthatismychildsigh · 09/01/2023 20:27

herbaltea21 · 09/01/2023 19:32

Yes exactly.
A lot of people responding her aren't looking at the bigger picture.
Probably not the first example of dad saying yes when he's already agreed no with mum and then not even telling mum himself he's changed his mind.
I understand this. A lot.
Liek I said in my op, might seem little to others who don't get it but it's not always the full story.

Show quote history

No one said dad had agreed no with mum. As for the rest of your projection, that’s your issue.

herbaltea21 · 09/01/2023 21:42

@Yesthatismychildsigh well the OP did say that her daughter told her that dad had changed his mind and was doing packed lunches....

liveforsummer · 09/01/2023 21:48

He's feeding her and she's happy. Absolutely no idea why you have an issue especially as it's only a couple of days a week. Good on him. Dd has school dinners as I don't have the money or energy to provide her with packed. If someone did a couple if days a week id be delighted and so would she

SoupDragon · 09/01/2023 22:26

Yesthatismychildsigh · 09/01/2023 20:27

No one said dad had agreed no with mum. As for the rest of your projection, that’s your issue.

Show quote history

The OP said they had agreed school dinners.

PeachCottonTree · 09/01/2023 22:37

The school lunches are free in our school. I’ve had them all and they’re nice, if a little on the small side portion wise for older children. Still, a huge amount of food goes straight in the bin because a lot of children don’t like them. I have children in my class that don’t like the lunches but at the age of 9 they’re still being sent for them because they’re free. They eat a couple of bites and are out the dinner hall in 2 minutes. If your child is asking for packed lunches there’s a very good chance she isn’t eating as much as you think.

SeenAndNot · 09/01/2023 22:39

Pick your battles. This really shouldn’t be one of them.

catandcoffee · 09/01/2023 23:17

Rules are school dinners when with Mum and packed lunch when with Dad.
This way she gets the best of both. No problem really, as long as she's eating her food.

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