Annoyed over school dinner

[Annoyedbadger]

Name changed for this.

Dd has just started primary and has 2 nights a week at dad's. She's never been a fussy eater but started asking for packed lunches.
I said no as lunches are free and she's more likely to eat a better variety
She told me over Xmas her dad is sending her in with a packed lunch. I asked him and he's said on his days he's doing a packed lunch and on mine she's having school meals.
Aibu to think that's confusing and should have been discussed with me 1st?

I think you just need to tell your daughter she can have packed lunches when with her dad, but she has school dinners when she's with you.

It's not worth getting into a fight over with her dad, even if you suspect he's only doing it to try and make himself look good.

I also 'forced' my kids to have the free school dinners - when they like something, I'm not going to go out of my way to make them something different that costs me money and time just because they've decided they fancy it. They all have packed lunches now as it's cheaper than paying for school dinners. They're not scarred from it.

OP, you're really contradicting yourself here. If your daughter enjoys her school lunches, why on earth would she be asking for packed lunch? Her father has quite rightly responded to her needs and wants and respected her decision to control what she eats, you however have gone for the easiest option with absolutely no regard to what your child wants.

You can't be angry at your ex for (at least on this situation) being a better parent.

He’s her parent just as much as you are. Stop being so controlling.

Dad isn't wrong to send pack lunch but a heads up text from dad would have been helpful that's he's doing lunch. But did you tell him you had told dd no for pack lunch?

It's an issue if you make it one. You seem to want an issue, so bash on and have aggravation.

Say no.

I get pestered for school lunches from time to time, but it’s a no, I can’t afford £2.50 a day.

This is hilarious. Thank god DD has dad back in her life that's all I can say

So if he'd have told you that would have made it ok? Definitely contradicting yourself here.

95% people have disagreed with you, I'd take that as a good guide.

But she does and she's asked for sandwiches. It's easier and cheaper for him to say no, school lunches! So it's not like he's doing it to be lazy and feckless. He might have been, but this thing about letting her have sandwiches two days a week isn't indicative of that, won't make her ill or far or skinny, doesn't mean you have to change your own decision.
I get it hard now sharing her and not having the autonomy over her he left you with but that is how it is.

I think you so have to remember that it doesn’t really matter though. You do what you want to do when she is with you.

You can’t control what your ex does, so you just have to suck it up.

And I am saying this as someone who co parented for over a decade. Pick your battles, this is nothing.

Your saying she likes the dinners and has been asking for pack lunches so she can’t like them that much!
It doesn’t affect you in anyway. There are so many things coming over the years that he will allow that you won’t and vice versa. Start with the small stuff and learn to say, no sorry that doesn’t work for me in our house.

Where I do agree with the op is there a small life lesson to be learnt here for the child - given that she eats the school dinner, she likes the school dinner well enough, and (ime I was a msa) the school dinners at my dds primary were perfectly fine - so it is a waste of both time and money for the op to make one. Sometimes budgeting decisions do have to be made on food, and this is a reasonable one.

You were being pestered before he started giving packed lunch, you state this in your OP.

If this is a battle that is difficult, then you've got a hard road ahead!

Pick your battles. It won’t confuse her, annoying that he did it without discussing.

We were quite lucky at our school the school dinners good. My daughter did ask for pack up a couple of times. A few Parents had moved to pack up as it meant they could check amount their child eating - but because so many ate the school meals the children quickly moved back to the dinners to be with their friends.

It's not costing the OP anything, the child can mix and match.

Aibu to think that's confusing and should have been discussed with me 1st?

YABU. Your DD isn't in the slightest confused - she told you very clearly what is going on with her lunches.

Did you discuss your wish for her to only have school dinners with your ex?
Why do you feel he has to comply with your lunch wishes for his own child?
More importantly, why are you more concerned with being obeyed than listening to what your child actually wants?

Your follow up post clarifies this a bit: so your annoyance is that he didn't discuss this with you first? In which case, own that, and move forwards. It's happened now, you can try to aim for better communication moving forwards, but that won't come from moaning about school dinners. It needs to be a two way process with mutual respect and understanding. If you aren't already, and if at all feasible, try talking at handovers.

But he knows she likes packed lunches better?

95% of people do, you may want to rethink your thoughts.

But surely there are 100 things that are done different at your house and her dad's house?

If you (say) don't allow TV before school, but her dad does, how do you manage that?

You're very fixated on ex giving her packed lunches. I'd be more interested in understanding "why" she wants packed lunches when you say she likes school dinners. It might be something (for example) to do with school organisation - that packed lunch and school dinner people eat separately so if she doesn't have packed lunches she can't sit with her best friend. Knowing this will help you tackle the actual issue.

This is so weird. He's just as capable of asking her what she likes as you are. More so in fact - hes not the one imposing lunch choices on her out of stubbornness.

OP, I get this, it is difficult when the other parent does things differently, but you just need to tell DD that he does like this and you do it like that and that she is lucky to be able to have both.

It can breed resentment towards you though if he gives her what she wants and you don't, so I totally see where you are coming from. He could be making your life harder, but they never see that.

Then what is the point of this thread 99% of people can disagree with a OP there will always be one or so that says 'I will go against the grain op you are absolutely right' regardless of the topic

So what is the point of it?

OP why are you asking then if you are prepared to be told you are wrong but don't believe you are either way? Doesn't matter what anyone else says to you, you've settled it in your mind

You can say dd likes school meals all you like but clearly she prefers to eat packed lunches or she wouldn't ask for it. There could be other issues behind her request such as social stuff at school with regards to who eats what and where they sit etc.

I understand you may wish to go for school meals because of the cost but if her dad is willing to provide packed lunches with his own money and it's something she is asking for and not being forced on then there isn't a huge problem.

I'm prepared to be told I'm wrong. I just don't think I am.

I can't make any sense of this.