Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed over school dinner

231 replies

Annoyedbadger · 09/01/2023 08:24

Name changed for this.

Dd has just started primary and has 2 nights a week at dad's. She's never been a fussy eater but started asking for packed lunches.
I said no as lunches are free and she's more likely to eat a better variety
She told me over Xmas her dad is sending her in with a packed lunch. I asked him and he's said on his days he's doing a packed lunch and on mine she's having school meals.
Aibu to think that's confusing and should have been discussed with me 1st?

OP posts:
SeeYouNextTLol · 10/01/2023 18:20

Should of discussed it. Should have the free school dinners as its free, hot, variety etc

GUARDIAN1 · 10/01/2023 18:22

It's not up to you to decide how he manages this. I can't see why it's confusing. It's really very simple. Packed lunches with him, school dinners with you.

BigFatLiar · 10/01/2023 18:23

No issue unless the packed lunches aren't any good. If they're OK for her and not just rubbish then fair enough.

DarkDarkNight · 10/01/2023 18:25

Has he informed the school? They do cost the school money even if they are free for Pupils in Infant school. I’m surprised school haven’t brought it up.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/01/2023 18:27

I don’t see the issue

dd 5 would like packed lunch. I said no aa I cba to make. Hates doing at pre school

if dh wanted to make then fine. She can have

BigChesterDraws · 10/01/2023 18:29

Annoyedbadger · 09/01/2023 09:15

I've already said this. She likes the lunches. She eats them and tells me about them.

Show quote history

That’s not what you said earlier. You said she was: asking for packed lunches.

I said no as lunches are free and she's more likely to eat a better variety

No mention of her liking them. Your OP seemed to suggest that you were telling her to have the lunches for your convenience and to save money. Not because she wanted them.

Sherbetdib · 10/01/2023 18:31

Be grateful Dad is being good and providing a packed lunch. Perhaps she asked for one as that is what her friends have ?
Don't create over it. Please don't.
It might give your daughter some sort of eating complex if you do.

toocold54 · 10/01/2023 18:33

Lots of children I know will have a couple of days hot dinner vs a couple of days packed lunch.

Most of the time it’s to do with cost either because they get free meals or the opposite and school meals are too expensive to have all week.

I think it’s fine for him to send her in with a pack lunch on his days.

I’m not sure how it negatively impacts you and I’d think it was a positive thing if that’s what DD has been asking for.

Xmasbaby11 · 10/01/2023 18:47

Mine have mixed school and packed lunches since they started reception and it wasn't confusing, even for my ASD dd. It's more work for parents and annoying when the school lunches are free at that age, but I do think it's good they have a choice. They don't have many choices in the school day and I think this is a key one, and makes it more likely they will eat it. A lot of DD's friends whose parents insist have school meals just order jacket potato and beans. Every single day.

Thisisnotreallymyname · 10/01/2023 19:02

Annoyedbadger · 09/01/2023 08:34

I'll be getting pestered for packed lunches now.

So ? Just say “ No “

Bemyclementine · 10/01/2023 19:16

The only way this would annoy me would be if it affected after school food when dc was with me. My dc have excellent school dinners, a school cook cooks them all on the day (small school). They get good portions of really nice food. On days we are busy after school I ensure they have a hot dinner at school, then they can have a sandwich or something quick at home for dinner.

Madamum18 · 10/01/2023 19:18

I think he should have communicated with you

Then I think you could both have discussed your mutual decision with your child, showing a consistent united team on the decision

Then you could have presented a nice compromise of her having both school dinners and packed lunches each week...IF that is what you agreed.

I would focus on the need to discuss and be united when talking to him, and less on the packed lunches per se. The communication is the key thing here for future scenarios that will arise ...

itsjustnotok · 10/01/2023 19:19

Oh no Dad is daring to bother to make a packed lunch when he could get it for free but takes the time to do it and your DD eats. I’d be happy that he’s bothering to ensure she gets a nice lunch. It’s unfortunate that your only thought is that she might want the same from you. This isn’t likely to be the only time you do things differently.

maddiemookins16mum · 10/01/2023 19:20

She’ll only be confused if you make it so.

Hbee88 · 10/01/2023 19:24

Teacher here. Some school lunches are awful… bland, processed and often tiny. Plenty of children have a mixture of school lunches and packed lunches, I don’t think it’s confusing for them.

Mediocrates · 10/01/2023 19:26

YABVU. When he has her, caring for her is his responsibility. IMO it's not something that requires mutual agreement or permission. I certainly wouldn't expect my ex to have a say in what I feed my children when they’re with me

KatysMumJen · 10/01/2023 19:34

I hated school dinners and so did my daughter. Your ex is at liberty to send her to school with whatever lunch he pleases since you’ve trusted him to feed her when you’re not there. Packed lunches are inexpensive and you can be very creative and inclusive to your child’s likes and needs.
it doesn’t have to be sandwiches. It could be a noodle salad with chopped fresh fruit or any combination of anything you could imagine.

MeandT · 10/01/2023 19:37

Can I nominate the OP's last comment to classics on a stand alone basis @mumsnet ?

"I'm prepared to be told I'm wrong. I just don't think I am."

I love that 🤣

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 10/01/2023 19:39

DP's child would have some days packed lunch and some school meals, they didn't like what was on offer some days (and must have been bad as jt was pizza) so mum or dad would send in packed lunch I'm not sure what the issue is sorry. I don't see what's confusing about it? I recall having a mix of packed lunch and school dinners in the 80's

Bemyclementine · 10/01/2023 19:40

OP "AIBU"

All of MN "yes"

OP "no I'm not"🤣

Kteeb1 · 10/01/2023 19:41

PollyEsther · 09/01/2023 09:15

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes
OP: No I'm not, waaaaah, not listening!

(Reader, the OP was, indeed, wrong).

This. And this is mumsnet. For everyone to agree with the Dads actions rather than the muns, shows it's pretty flipping unreasonable.

NUTELLAPEANUTBUTTTTEERRRRRRR · 10/01/2023 19:54

You’re making an issue out of nothing. Kudos to dad for listening to his child whilst you decide for her.

cadburyegg · 10/01/2023 19:55

YABU. I also co parent with my ex. Trust me this isn't anything to get upset about. My two kids are 4 and 7 and I like them to have school dinners because a) it's free for the 4 year old and b) it's less hassle for me. That being said, I tell them what's on the menu for the following day and if they don't fancy it and ask for a packed lunch then I make them one. I know that if they don't like a meal they just won't eat it so they'd be going over 6 hours without a meal. That will affect their learning and they're likely to be ratty at the end of school. If I can avoid that by sending them with a packed lunch then of course I will.

My only rule is that they can't have packed lunches on the days they go to after school club. They accept this, even the 4 year old.

I struggled with food and tummy issues throughout my childhood and wasn't diagnosed with coeliac disease until I was 21. As a result, I didn't eat much in my primary school years, the only school dinner I remember eating consistently was a jacket potato. My mum was convinced that I had an eating disorder because I was so underweight. When I got to secondary I was finally allowed packed lunches every day. It was revelatory!

just tell your child that they can't have packed lunches with you if it's that important. Although as above, I don't get why you wouldn't agree to do it now and again, unless you are struggling for cash.

toocold54 · 10/01/2023 20:03

Can I nominate the OP's last comment to classics on a stand alone basis @mumsnet ?

"I'm prepared to be told I'm wrong. I just don't think I am."

I love that 🤣

😂😂 me too!

I do think many OPs start threads assuming they are right and everyone is going to agree with them.

Then they either get very defensive, drip feed or just leave the thread.

I’m always impressed with posters who can hold their hands up and admit that they are in the wrong.

Solonge · 10/01/2023 20:19

Annoyedbadger · 09/01/2023 09:06

Because he barely saw her for 2 years and now he's got a gf he wants involvement. He doesn't know what she likes or dislikes

Show quote history

Sounds like you are angry with him! you feel because of the way he has behaved you are the real parent and he is the pretender and he isnt checking everything with you first, so maybe you feel you are not in control any more. Plus he has a GF you didnt sound too thrilled about. You say he doesnt know what she likes well it takes less than ten seconds to ask and clearly she enjoys his packed lunches as she has asked you to do the same. Dont cause an issue over this. She has a dad in her life, thats more important than a free lunch. Let her enjoy the relationship and the packed lunches.