Annoyed over school dinner

[Annoyedbadger]

Name changed for this.

Dd has just started primary and has 2 nights a week at dad's. She's never been a fussy eater but started asking for packed lunches.
I said no as lunches are free and she's more likely to eat a better variety
She told me over Xmas her dad is sending her in with a packed lunch. I asked him and he's said on his days he's doing a packed lunch and on mine she's having school meals.
Aibu to think that's confusing and should have been discussed with me 1st?

School dinners are not what parents imagine. Sometimes it’s just half an undercooked potato with a few pieces of grated cheese on top. Sometimes it’s way too spicy. Often the only good option has been eaten by others and dregs are left for the last year group. Schools are struggling with rising costs and having to cut back on the amount and quality of food given to children.

If you can’t be bothered to make your child a nutritious packed lunch so she doesn’t have to eat whatever crap the school have, that’s up to you, but don’t be angry with the dad for doing so.

They eat a couple of bites and are out the dinner hall in 2 minutes. If your child is asking for packed lunches there’s a very good chance she isn’t eating as much as you think.

I've had similar experiences, children taking a single bite and leaving the rest, or in some cases not eating anything at all. A child may like the food at home but it's often made differently at school due to strict nutritional guidelines. If dad's happy to make a packed lunch on his days I don't understand why the OP would have a problem with it.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but are you more peed off at the fact he is giving packed lunches, when you said no? You think that you look like the bad guy? For me it's a win win, she's getting packed lunches a couple of days and school lunches the other, every body wins, no? Also, are her school lunches actually OK? Not all school lunches are that great. Sometimes packed lunches are better!

I feel the need to stand up for good school meals here- some are rank for sure, our Primary cooked everything fresh on site and fed the students well. Not a posh school or anything, entirely serving a low income council estate in fact.

What is the actual issue here ?
Dad is more than adequately providing for her when she’s with him.
News flash - he is not going to run every decision he makes past you - nor, im sure, do you him.
welcome to co-parenting.

😂You coem asking if AIBU and are told you're wrong but you still don;t think you are. I bet your ex is glad to have escaped you.

My kids have packed lunch when with me, but their dad says they are to have school dinners when with him. I’d be pissed off if he said to me I shouldn’t do that. None of his business what I do with the kids when they are with me, same goes for him. So you’re being unreasonable, why on earth does he need to discuss that with you first? My kids have come to know that with me I do packed lunch, and with dad they don’t.. it’s not even confusing.

This is a non issue and seems very petty to get worked up over it.

An agreement like that doesn't stay set in stone for all time. Also it's not really a decision that needs agreement unless there is a good reason behind it.

IF the reason for OP's post was that she was concerned her ex was sending in a junk food packed lunch, then she would have got different answers.
If the reason for OP's post was that the DC didn't want/like the packed lunch she would have got different answers.
If the reason for OP's post was that the DC doesn't eat a packed lunch but does eat school dinners she would have got a different answer.

However, the reason given for DC to have school dinners was just that OP wanted her to. DC's father has made a reasonable decision that does not affect OP in any way. That's why OP is BU.

You've been told multiple times you're wrong. the vote poll percentage says YBU. You still dont want to hear it. Ad nauseam.

As both a parent and an ex-stepmum it's so low down the important thing list its unreal. You literally dont need (and won't) agree/do things the same in both homes.

He's involved now so the past is now irrelevant unless he does it again later. It's about your DD's needs not yours.

Packs v School dinners is a irrelevant issue. Waeigh everything on the "how important would a family court regard it" scale. This would be a non-issue as is any "they do things differently to me in their home".

If this is really about packed lunches, then it’s a really weird thing to get upset over. Why does it matter? Why is this anything more than an “oh, ok, packed lunches with dad and school dinners with mum”? This is such a minor issue that it makes me wonder how you cope with situations that actually are serious.

If it’s more about the communication than the packed lunches then ok, fair enough, it might have been better if your ex had communicated to you first that he was going to provide packed lunches.

Even so, it’s still a whole lot of nothing and no hill to die on. He probably thought it was such a small decision that it didn’t cross his mind to mention it to you. Has your daughter never asked you for something that seems perfectly reasonable and you’ve said “yes, no problem”, without telling your ex about it? Do you have to run every single tiny daily decision by each other? I’d understand if it was something like piercing her ears, or going on a school trip, but… it’s a lunch. As long as she’s eating it and it’s at least relatively nutritious, why does it matter what it is?

I know you think you’re right and everyone else is wrong, but YABU. I’m not sure how many people have to say that before you accept it!

I don’t see how it’s confusing. Sometimes my toddler has lunch at my mums house, sometimes we go out for lunch I don’t worry about her being confused. I think you’re more annoyed as she prefers dads packed lunch. If she is eating both and you aren’t able to provide a packed lunch for whatever reason (time, finance, etc) then it’s perfectly fine to continue as things are.

This isn't really about the school dinners, is it?

I'm a dinner lady and since I started I've gave my children a packed lunch every day. I wouldn't eat most of it so no way I'm making my kids eat it.

I can understand that you're miffed with the lack of communication but looking at it a different way, if your DD didn't want school dinners and you'd both agreed to make her a packed lunch each day but then he couldn't be arsed and just told her tough, she's got to have a dinner then I'd be pissed off but he's actually making an effort to make her happy.
I'd be pleased about that 🤷🏻‍♀️

You also said she likes the school dinners. Win win then! She gets a variety
(Mind you, have you seen school lunches???) I hope your DD's school is better than the one where I work!

Yes, it was working in a school and seeing what they got that made me vow to always so packed lunches.

I worked there over two christmases and was expected to join in and eat a school Christmas dinner with the children 🤮 christ, it was vile.

I get you're annoyed because you had already agreed between you that she'd eat school dinners. But as pp said pick your battles.
She's eating on the days she has school food, and she's eating his lunch (mini roll? i thought schools had policed all the fun from packed lunches?) so everything is fine.

I'll be getting pestered for packed lunches now.

Well, you're the parent. You say no. And she accepts it because you will be consistent and not faff about trying to justify your decision - that's it. (because she eats the food). If she were like me and just staring at a plateful of gloopy shite and being hungry, you'd be better off making a packed lunch, but this isn't the case.

This is to be a joke post 😂. Do you expect him to call you and go over her evening meal when she stays there too ? What does it matter as long as she’s fed and happy ?

YABU to make this a hill to die on. Co parenting requires cooperation and compromise, there will be different rules at each house and you can't control what your Ex does with your DD, or how he parents, just because you don't like it.

I coparent DD13 with ExDH and she spends every other week with him.

DDs school lunches, when she was at primary, were free at KS1 and 2 so the default was for her to have school lunches because it was free, less hassle and she was happy with them. Sometimes she wasn't keen on what was on the menu (she would eat it, it just wasn't her favourite) so ExDH would often send her in with a packed lunch on those days because she asked for them. When she was with me and asked for packed lunches on those days I just said no as I knew she would still eat the lunch at school. It didn't take long for DD to learn that when she was with me it was 100% school lunches and not to ask for packed lunches because I'd say no whereas with her dad it was whichever she asked for on the day.

Since school dinners were free and the kids just had to confirm every day whether they had a packed lunch or we're having school lunch I didn't let it bother me that ExDH sent her in with packed lunches as it didn't affect me.

Once she moved to KS3 and lunches had to be paid for I made sure that ExDH and I were in communication about lunches because we had to ensure her lunch account was kept topped up. In the end we agreed that we'd both put in 50/50 of the weekly lunch amount (iirc it was something like £3 a day so £15 a week so £7.50 each) and if one or other of us sent her in with a packed lunch then that days lunch money would roll over to the next week and we'd just adjust our paying in accordingly. So if ExDH sent her in with a packed lunch one day then £3 would roll over to the following week; I'd top up the account £7.50 and he'd top up £4.50 and she's still have the full £15 in her account.

It requires communication and coordination but we've co-parented successfully for 8 years now by not falling out over petty things like one of us letting her have the odd packed lunch now and again.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

You're being ridiculous. He doesn't need to ask your permission to give his child a packed lunch.

You’ve just made that up!

Sounds to me like you are generally irritated by the Dad and want to make an issue out of something. As a child of divorced parents, I beg you to let stuff like this slide. It’s really not important and it’s really crap for the child if you battle over minor issues like this.

As we already know, the school lunches are free so it’s not like you’re paying for something she’s not getting. You’re trying to be in control of something on the days she’s with her dad, why? Hot lunch or packed lunch, she’s still being fed. I wish my kid was easy to please with food.

School dinners tend to follow a pattern with roast on Weds, fish on Friday etc. We found that certain days were just food mine wouldn't or couldn't eat. If these days feature a packed lunch then it's better all round. FSM is great, although portions can be quite small too. Let her have her treat if Dad can afford it.