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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite plus 1

190 replies

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 20:38

Me and my fiancé have had a turbulent 2 years and have become a lot stronger out the other end, we have been engaged for 3.5 years and decided now is the time to have a small intimate wedding.

our wedding starts at 5pm and finishes at 11pm it is essentially a private dinner. We invited all our immediate family and closest friends only giving our best friends a plus 1.

We recently have had one person say they are unable to come du to a pregnancy so in their place we decided to invite my uncle (my dads brother) he lives in Spain so I haven’t seen him for 8/9 years. He has also had about 3 or 4 wives and split from his last one 3/4 years ago. (My mum said it would be nice if I invited him)

I have sent him an invitation addressing it to him only and he responded saying he and ‘partners name’ would love to come. I have never heard of this woman didn’t even know he had a partner and as our wedding is so small and personal (less than 50) we don’t have space or do we want people at our wedding we do not know.

I replied a day later explaining how small the wedding was and how we were not accommodating for plus ones etc.

he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500 on doing so. He also said he would have never ever assumed she wouldn’t be invited as they have been together for 2 years. (I literally don’t speak to him haven’t spoken in years so was a silly assumption to make)

hes offered to pay for her meal but that’s not the point, my husband to be has not invited people like his aunts uncles and god fathers as he doesn’t see them that often and now feels deeply upset that a women we’ve both never met should come over someone like his god father.

I’ve told my uncle how my partner has not invited close family due to having such an intimate wedding and that just seems ti have gone over his head. I’m now really pissed off because I feel like him explaining how they’ve spent so much money is actually emotional black mail.
im very aware of hotels being refundable and I’m very aware flights can be amended. I now don’t even want him to come at all and don’t know how I get around telling him his GF can’t come as I feel I kind of did in a round about way and he wasn’t having any of it!? 😭

any ideas or help?

OP posts:
Tandora · 08/01/2023 20:41

YABU, it was a misunderstanding, don’t create a drama and enormous bad feeling with a family member. It’s one extra person and he’s offered to pay the meal. Get over it. It’s lovely that he’s spent all that money and going to all that effort to be with you on your wedding.

Merryoldgoat · 08/01/2023 20:44

I think most family invited to a wedding would assume a partner would be included. I think it was odd to ask him at all given it’s so intimate and you didn’t know he has a partner of two years - why didn’t you just leave it as fewer people?

gogohmm · 08/01/2023 20:45

Yabu. You sent an invite to him, it's normal etiquette for it to include a +1.

nzeire · 08/01/2023 20:45

It’s one person, he will be so much more comfortable with his partner there.

you need to relax a little. He’s booked, it’s family. It will be lovely.

I was invited to a wedding once, and I knew the bride was debating whether to ask my partner as she didn’t know him that well. If he hadn’t made the cut, I wouldn’t have gone. That’s the whole fun of being a wedding guest, a fab night out with your other half

Scurryfunge12 · 08/01/2023 20:45

Either rescind the invite or agree to him paying for her meal etc and explain the situation to the family and friends you couldn’t invite.

Those are the only two options.

If you feel really strongly, I’d uninvite him, if he has already booked flights and hotels it’s not your issue. Why he would think his partner would be invited is beyond me.

CantFindTheBeat · 08/01/2023 20:46

How quickly did he receive the invitation and the book the flights? That seems quick!

That said - if you invite someone who lives overseas, it's not a surprise they imagined their partner was invited too.

Up to you what you do. You will have more drop outs before the day so there will be space,

Amadeaa · 08/01/2023 20:47

You said he lives in Spain. In many cultures outside of Britain (mine included) it is very normal that partners are invited, so it could be a cultural misunderstanding, if he’s been in Spain for a long time. I would apologise for the misunderstanding, thank him for paying her meal, and accommodate her, even if that wasn’t what you had planned.

gogohmm · 08/01/2023 20:48

@Scurryfunge12

He assumed his partner was invited because that's normal etiquette if you are over around 21. Never been to a wedding or party that didn't include my other half except hen nights

Silverpining · 08/01/2023 20:49

YABU

expecting someone to travel for a wedding and not including a plus one is terribly rude.

Scurryfunge12 · 08/01/2023 20:50

gogohmm · 08/01/2023 20:48

@Scurryfunge12

He assumed his partner was invited because that's normal etiquette if you are over around 21. Never been to a wedding or party that didn't include my other half except hen nights

Yes but OP wasn’t even aware he was in a relationship and has never even met her. It’s not that unusual for people to not want strangers at their wedding.

isitginoclock · 08/01/2023 20:50

YANBU. He decided that partner would come and made decision to book flight etc knowing that it would be hard for you to say no. Partners name wasn't on the invite nor was "plus one" so it's reasonable to make the assumption, etiquette-wise, she wasn't invited. Leave it a week or so before you decide. If him having the GF there would cause issues with your fiancé then stand your ground.

Original poster
Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 20:50

CantFindTheBeat · 08/01/2023 20:46

How quickly did he receive the invitation and the book the flights? That seems quick!

That said - if you invite someone who lives overseas, it's not a surprise they imagined their partner was invited too.

Up to you what you do. You will have more drop outs before the day so there will be space,

The invite went to him yesterday, i had no idea he had a GF he’s only recently divorced so didn’t assume to point out there was no plus 1. It seems to be quite common with all our friends and our generation that plus 1’s are not a thing.

OP posts:
GlassBunion · 08/01/2023 20:51

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable.

Ginger1982 · 08/01/2023 20:53

Plus 1 are only for those guests that you know have a partner.

Tandora · 08/01/2023 20:56

I also agree with a pp that it’s rude not to include a plus 1 for a family member, especially if they are going to need to travel.

Original poster
Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 20:59

Tandora · 08/01/2023 20:56

I also agree with a pp that it’s rude not to include a plus 1 for a family member, especially if they are going to need to travel.

We only have one space we are already maxed out - I didn’t realise he had a partner. His whole family also lives in the UK.

maybe I should just not invited him and left one space free

OP posts:
waynesworldpartytimeexcellent · 08/01/2023 21:01

Very very rude not to invite a plus one. YABVU.

Original poster
Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 21:03

waynesworldpartytimeexcellent · 08/01/2023 21:01

Very very rude not to invite a plus one. YABVU.

so how would we invite him if we don’t have space for the plus 1? It’s in a dinning room space is limited. Should I not have invited him?

OP posts:
nzeire · 08/01/2023 21:05

Just talk to the venue, they can add one place setting surely

dont let it rattle you

SMabbutt · 08/01/2023 21:08

Yanbu. If an invite is addressed to one individual and doesn't say +1 the the invite is for the named person only. There is no reason to be guilted into having a stranger at your wedding, particularly as, given the lack of contact with you he must know the invite was purely based on a loose family tie.

Sorry uncle, the invite was sent to you as the named guest only, with no provision for an extra guest which is why it didn't say +1. We have friends we haven't been able to invite, but although we haven't spoken for a long time we wanted to invite you first. We thought you might like to come so you can also catch up with your brother, but there is no scope for any additional guests. Please confirm if you will be attending as it would be lovely to see you.

Metabigot · 08/01/2023 21:10

So you are having a small intimate wedding but have invited an uncle you barely know?

A bit unfair to expect him to travel over without his partner, I get you didn't know about the partner to begin with but I'd have some grace and allow her to come too now rather than risk I'll feeling/ fallout from uncle and Marr the big day.

Original poster
Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 21:12

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 20:38

Me and my fiancé have had a turbulent 2 years and have become a lot stronger out the other end, we have been engaged for 3.5 years and decided now is the time to have a small intimate wedding.

our wedding starts at 5pm and finishes at 11pm it is essentially a private dinner. We invited all our immediate family and closest friends only giving our best friends a plus 1.

We recently have had one person say they are unable to come du to a pregnancy so in their place we decided to invite my uncle (my dads brother) he lives in Spain so I haven’t seen him for 8/9 years. He has also had about 3 or 4 wives and split from his last one 3/4 years ago. (My mum said it would be nice if I invited him)

I have sent him an invitation addressing it to him only and he responded saying he and ‘partners name’ would love to come. I have never heard of this woman didn’t even know he had a partner and as our wedding is so small and personal (less than 50) we don’t have space or do we want people at our wedding we do not know.

I replied a day later explaining how small the wedding was and how we were not accommodating for plus ones etc.

he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500 on doing so. He also said he would have never ever assumed she wouldn’t be invited as they have been together for 2 years. (I literally don’t speak to him haven’t spoken in years so was a silly assumption to make)

hes offered to pay for her meal but that’s not the point, my husband to be has not invited people like his aunts uncles and god fathers as he doesn’t see them that often and now feels deeply upset that a women we’ve both never met should come over someone like his god father.

I’ve told my uncle how my partner has not invited close family due to having such an intimate wedding and that just seems ti have gone over his head. I’m now really pissed off because I feel like him explaining how they’ve spent so much money is actually emotional black mail.
im very aware of hotels being refundable and I’m very aware flights can be amended. I now don’t even want him to come at all and don’t know how I get around telling him his GF can’t come as I feel I kind of did in a round about way and he wasn’t having any of it!? 😭

any ideas or help?

I would actually like to point out

WE do not want a STRANGER at our wedding.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/01/2023 21:12

How long until your wedding? I’m guessing you’ll have others drop out in the interim. Just accept his +1 and sort it out with the venue it won’t be the first time there’s an extra (assuming there is an extra).

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/01/2023 21:13

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 21:12

I would actually like to point out

WE do not want a STRANGER at our wedding.

Show quote history

Then disinvite him and plan for the fallout.

Noodlehen · 08/01/2023 21:14

YANBU. You clearly didn’t put a plus one, very cheeky of your uncle.

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