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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite plus 1

190 replies

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 20:38

Me and my fiancé have had a turbulent 2 years and have become a lot stronger out the other end, we have been engaged for 3.5 years and decided now is the time to have a small intimate wedding.

our wedding starts at 5pm and finishes at 11pm it is essentially a private dinner. We invited all our immediate family and closest friends only giving our best friends a plus 1.

We recently have had one person say they are unable to come du to a pregnancy so in their place we decided to invite my uncle (my dads brother) he lives in Spain so I haven’t seen him for 8/9 years. He has also had about 3 or 4 wives and split from his last one 3/4 years ago. (My mum said it would be nice if I invited him)

I have sent him an invitation addressing it to him only and he responded saying he and ‘partners name’ would love to come. I have never heard of this woman didn’t even know he had a partner and as our wedding is so small and personal (less than 50) we don’t have space or do we want people at our wedding we do not know.

I replied a day later explaining how small the wedding was and how we were not accommodating for plus ones etc.

he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500 on doing so. He also said he would have never ever assumed she wouldn’t be invited as they have been together for 2 years. (I literally don’t speak to him haven’t spoken in years so was a silly assumption to make)

hes offered to pay for her meal but that’s not the point, my husband to be has not invited people like his aunts uncles and god fathers as he doesn’t see them that often and now feels deeply upset that a women we’ve both never met should come over someone like his god father.

I’ve told my uncle how my partner has not invited close family due to having such an intimate wedding and that just seems ti have gone over his head. I’m now really pissed off because I feel like him explaining how they’ve spent so much money is actually emotional black mail.
im very aware of hotels being refundable and I’m very aware flights can be amended. I now don’t even want him to come at all and don’t know how I get around telling him his GF can’t come as I feel I kind of did in a round about way and he wasn’t having any of it!? 😭

any ideas or help?

OP posts:
Buffypaws · 08/01/2023 21:36

Hi uncle. Sorry for the mix up. unfortunately it’s not about the money for the meal - the venue is at capacity and if we were to squeeze one more in, my partner would want to invite his god parent. Apologies if this messes up your plans. Please do let me know if you’ll still be attending.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 08/01/2023 21:37

You want an intimate wedding meal, but you've invited a family member who didn't make the A list, who you don't even speak to or know anything about his life?

Okay then...

Original poster
Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 21:37

Both his brothers are going to be there hence the invite - he’s not alone his family is there

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 08/01/2023 21:39

I don't think the op's being unreasonable at all. If the invitation was addressed to Mr John Brown it is completely obvious only Mr John Brown is invited. If the partner were invited the invitation would have read Mr John Brown and partner.

The OP's uncle has been presumptious and discourteous. He needs to be told only he is invited and the op is sorry he misinterpreted the invitation.

IhearyouClemFandango · 08/01/2023 21:39

You have two options really.

1- Accept that actually, the done thing in these cases would have been for a partner to be invited especially when travelling great distances and apologise for the confusion, squeeze an extra in and get over it. It is one person.

2- Double down and tell him she isn’t invited. Yes,he may well be fucked off and it may well cause ructions. But that’s life. If it is that important to you, you’ll have to deal with it.

mycatsanutter · 08/01/2023 21:39

Yea his family are there but he is still going to want to share the occasion with his partner and turn it into a little break . He obviously presumed she was invited and he is paying for her meal , I think you will look a bit of a diva if you say she can't go .

hoppityscotch · 08/01/2023 21:40

It's clearly not that intimate as you had no idea your uncle had a partner

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/01/2023 21:40

@Sophiemoulds1999 so have you taken any of the posts on board for how to move forward or is this just for you to bitch?

Anothersoddingname · 08/01/2023 21:42

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 21:37

Both his brothers are going to be there hence the invite - he’s not alone his family is there

With their partners?

I think YABU.

CorvusPurpureus · 08/01/2023 21:42

I'm surprised he accepted at all - db's dd, hasn't seen you in years, turbulent relationship & sudden wedding - if I were dear uncle, I'd be sending polite regrets & shoving £50 in a card.

Anyway, given he's up for it, someone is bound to drop out, so his plus one will come in handy. Also she might be lovely.

This is one to be gracious about I think. He's paying for flights & hotels. Worst case scenario is a wedding venue having to find a chair, which - I spent years managing in the hospitality industry - is going to NOT be a problem.

Sqqueeeeeeee · 08/01/2023 21:42

I wonder if all the posters saying they wouldn’t ever dream of going to a wedding without their DP realise that the appropriate response to that would be to turn down the invitation, not just invite whoever you fancy to someone else’s wedding.

YANBU.

And, to the PP who said that the only reason you go to a wedding is for a night out with your DP: a) no one is stopping you going out whenever you like, and b) that would be a great way to filter out the people I definitely didn’t want at my wedding.

PatchworkElmer · 08/01/2023 21:44

Sorry I think YABU. I’d offer someone travelling from overseas a plus one. He’ll presumably be staying in hotels for at least a couple of nights/ will be treating it as a holiday due to the cost? I think it’s polite to let him bring a plus 1 in those circumstances.

Unicorn2022 · 08/01/2023 21:44

You don't want a STRANGER at your wedding but invited someone you haven't seen for nine years who is virtually a stranger nowadays as you don't seem to know anything about his life. How weird of you to invite him over your DF's godparent anyway.

rosiebl · 08/01/2023 21:44

Just reply to him again.
"I don't think I'm making myself clear Uncle. Unfortunately the dining room only has space for 50 people. We are not allowed by our venue to go over that number and your GF would take us to 51. If you are unwilling to attend without GF, I understand why you feel the need to decline the invite. Please do let me know if you are able to attend by x RSVP date".

parietal · 08/01/2023 21:45

YANBU - he should not have assumed his partner was invited.

hold firm to the line that there is no space to physically fit an extra person in the room, and let him choose to cancel or come alone.

is your dad his brother? if so, talk to your Dad & make sure he gives the same message to uncle so that everything is consistent.

Unicorn2022 · 08/01/2023 21:46

Maybe explain the venue is at capacity but if anyone drops out on the day (which they likely will) then she can come.

RunnerBum · 08/01/2023 21:47

Tell him that you’ve spoken to the venue and their insurance stipulates that they can’t go over capacity - you’ll let him know if anyone else drops out (they conveniently won’t). She can spend six hours on her own, she’s a big girl. He’ll cope with six hours with his family and with his girlfriend, he’s a big boy. Your wedding isn’t about someone else wanting to take their partner to a party and, if he wants a holiday with his girlfriend, he can have one.

GracieLouFreeebush · 08/01/2023 21:48

Anothersoddingname · 08/01/2023 21:42

With their partners?

I think YABU.

Show quote history

Well I imagine being the brides Mum trumps an uncles partner that’s never been heard of, it you never know with mumsnet.

Create10 · 08/01/2023 21:49

AnxiousPancreas · 08/01/2023 21:28

These responses are absolutely insane. Of course you don’t assume you get a plus one to a small wedding of a relative when they’ve never met your partner or even know you have a partner. Complete insanity. YANBU. Tell him no.

Absolutely no one had a plus one to my wedding, there were no questions or complaints. No one had a plus one to my sister’s wedding last year, no complaint (that I know of). No one had a plus one to SIL’s wedding two years ago, no complaints (that I know of). My best friend got married last year, no one had a plus one, and no complaints (that I know of). My cousin got married last summer, my DBro invited his fiancée who the couple had never met without the knowledge or consent of the couple. It was really awkward and completely unnecessary- she wasn’t invited by the couple so he shouldn’t have invited her.

Standard practice is to invite people you actually know to your wedding.

Did it not bother you that your DH didn't come with you to your sister's wedding, and that you couldn't go with your DH to his sister's?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/01/2023 21:50

RunnerBum · 08/01/2023 21:47

Tell him that you’ve spoken to the venue and their insurance stipulates that they can’t go over capacity - you’ll let him know if anyone else drops out (they conveniently won’t). She can spend six hours on her own, she’s a big girl. He’ll cope with six hours with his family and with his girlfriend, he’s a big boy. Your wedding isn’t about someone else wanting to take their partner to a party and, if he wants a holiday with his girlfriend, he can have one.

So what happens when he gets there and there’s less than 50? Most intelligent adults will realize a venue will be able to accommodate 1 extra person. If the OP doesn’t want the +1 she needs to use her words and own it.

Swingwhenyourewinning · 08/01/2023 21:50

Amadeaa · 08/01/2023 20:47

You said he lives in Spain. In many cultures outside of Britain (mine included) it is very normal that partners are invited, so it could be a cultural misunderstanding, if he’s been in Spain for a long time. I would apologise for the misunderstanding, thank him for paying her meal, and accommodate her, even if that wasn’t what you had planned.

In Britain it’s normal that partners are invited it’s crazy that op hasn’t

lunar1 · 08/01/2023 21:51

It's a misunderstanding, you asked him to go to the financial and time expense to fly to your wedding. He made an incorrect assumption. This is only a disaster if you let it be. It's not like he knows he was just a back up is it?

A wedding venue will be perfectly accustomed to adding an extra chair or two last minute.

Don't let this upset you or cause a family fallout.

LCforlife · 08/01/2023 21:52

gogohmm · 08/01/2023 20:45

Yabu. You sent an invite to him, it's normal etiquette for it to include a +1.

No it isn't. The OP didn't even know this woman existed and hasn't met her.

GracieLouFreeebush · 08/01/2023 21:52

Swingwhenyourewinning · 08/01/2023 21:50

In Britain it’s normal that partners are invited it’s crazy that op hasn’t

Show quote history

And only have 25 people they want there instead of 50? I think weddings are a ridiculous expense and this is a much better way to do it.

gogohmm · 08/01/2023 21:53

But op they have been together 2 years, just because you weren't aware doesn't change the fact. Perhaps he assumed you knew his partner status? How about getting to know her?

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