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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite plus 1

190 replies

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 20:38

Me and my fiancé have had a turbulent 2 years and have become a lot stronger out the other end, we have been engaged for 3.5 years and decided now is the time to have a small intimate wedding.

our wedding starts at 5pm and finishes at 11pm it is essentially a private dinner. We invited all our immediate family and closest friends only giving our best friends a plus 1.

We recently have had one person say they are unable to come du to a pregnancy so in their place we decided to invite my uncle (my dads brother) he lives in Spain so I haven’t seen him for 8/9 years. He has also had about 3 or 4 wives and split from his last one 3/4 years ago. (My mum said it would be nice if I invited him)

I have sent him an invitation addressing it to him only and he responded saying he and ‘partners name’ would love to come. I have never heard of this woman didn’t even know he had a partner and as our wedding is so small and personal (less than 50) we don’t have space or do we want people at our wedding we do not know.

I replied a day later explaining how small the wedding was and how we were not accommodating for plus ones etc.

he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500 on doing so. He also said he would have never ever assumed she wouldn’t be invited as they have been together for 2 years. (I literally don’t speak to him haven’t spoken in years so was a silly assumption to make)

hes offered to pay for her meal but that’s not the point, my husband to be has not invited people like his aunts uncles and god fathers as he doesn’t see them that often and now feels deeply upset that a women we’ve both never met should come over someone like his god father.

I’ve told my uncle how my partner has not invited close family due to having such an intimate wedding and that just seems ti have gone over his head. I’m now really pissed off because I feel like him explaining how they’ve spent so much money is actually emotional black mail.
im very aware of hotels being refundable and I’m very aware flights can be amended. I now don’t even want him to come at all and don’t know how I get around telling him his GF can’t come as I feel I kind of did in a round about way and he wasn’t having any of it!? 😭

any ideas or help?

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 23:15

Dumpstertruck · 08/01/2023 23:11

One day later and -
he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500 on doing so

I mean, am I the only person who thinks this is bullshit?

Within 24 hours of an invitation he's done all his logistics for a niece he last saw 8 years ago and spoken to no one else in the family about it, even to see who else is going?

I call bullshit on that.

Dont call bullshit, just read it properly rather than inserting the ‘one day later’ where you feel like!

I have sent him an invitation addressing it to him only and he responded saying he and ‘partners name’ would love to come. I have never heard of this woman didn’t even know he had a partner and as our wedding is so small and personal (less than 50) we don’t have space or do we want people at our wedding we do not know.

I replied a day later explaining how small the wedding was and how we were not accommodating for plus ones etc.

he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500

She invited him, he replied and said yes please (clearly after he’d checked it was doable and booked), ONE DAY LATER she replied to him and explained the woman wasn’t invited. No 24 hour logistics

Pippa12 · 08/01/2023 23:21

I wouldn’t expect somebody to travel without a plus one. It’s a misunderstanding, I wouldn’t cause bad feeling over it. 50 guests isn’t a small number (in fact, exactly how many I had at mine!) you won’t notice she’s there!

If you genuinely cannot fit his plus one in, why didn’t you just say that rather than you’d rather not have somebody you didn’t know at the wedding? It would’ve sounded better! X

Pippa12 · 08/01/2023 23:21

Excuse the X 🙄 bad habit!

RandomCatGenerator · 08/01/2023 23:33

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 21:12

I would actually like to point out

WE do not want a STRANGER at our wedding.

Show quote history

Then why did you invite a stranger, a person you haven’t seen in 8/9 years?

My2pence2day · 09/01/2023 00:19

The reason I think you're being unreasonable is if there was any risk of misinterpretation then you would have been best calling first then sending the invite. It just seems like you've sent an invite to this uncle without knowing anything about him (ie he has a serious partner) and now upset about it. Fair enough that you only invited him, but I think the poor communication and assumptions are on you and that's why I think you need to suck it up. I have a very difficult family so I literally had the words "only the name/s on the invite are invited, we are sorry as we cannot invite everybody" on my invite. It was a bit much, but there was no room for misinterpretation AND they were followed up either before or after as well (the ones we thought would just bring other people along). If you're going to be fussy (like me) then you have to cover all basis. Even then I had someone think they were invited! If I did it again, I would just elope!

milkyaqua · 09/01/2023 00:21

SMabbutt · 08/01/2023 21:08

Yanbu. If an invite is addressed to one individual and doesn't say +1 the the invite is for the named person only. There is no reason to be guilted into having a stranger at your wedding, particularly as, given the lack of contact with you he must know the invite was purely based on a loose family tie.

Sorry uncle, the invite was sent to you as the named guest only, with no provision for an extra guest which is why it didn't say +1. We have friends we haven't been able to invite, but although we haven't spoken for a long time we wanted to invite you first. We thought you might like to come so you can also catch up with your brother, but there is no scope for any additional guests. Please confirm if you will be attending as it would be lovely to see you.

Exactly this.

Andypandy799 · 09/01/2023 02:12

Bridezilla 🚨 YABVU just suck it up without causing all the drama. The poor bloke has took time and effort to spend £500 on tickets

His poor gf must think your a psycho and it’s not how you treat family

lovemelongtime · 09/01/2023 04:00

You say you don't want strangers at your intimate wedding, but you invite an uncle you've not seen for 8 years. YABU , afraid you need to suck this one up.

MissTakenForAnother · 09/01/2023 04:07

Silverpining · 08/01/2023 20:49

YABU

expecting someone to travel for a wedding and not including a plus one is terribly rude.

This

milkyaqua · 09/01/2023 04:11

People who receive a wedding invite that does not specifically say plus one (in one way or another, "plus one" or "plus guest/fiance/partner") usually are aware enough of social protocol to understand it is just them invited, and if they are unsure they contact the person who invited them.

ChildcareIsBroken · 09/01/2023 05:11

I'm afraid you are being unreasonable.
Firstly, to invite him in a first place if you're not close. Why didn't you invite your fiance's godfather instead? Secondly, if you send an invite to someone without the plus one you need to make it clear. You said it's normal for your generation, but he's not your generation.
It's a misunderstanding, he already booked flights and he's family. It'll sort itself out as you'll probably have at least one person drop out at the last minute.

thewinterwitch · 09/01/2023 05:13

You said it's normal for your generation, but he's not your generation.

It's old etiquette - therefore, it is even more normal for her uncle's generation!

ChildcareIsBroken · 09/01/2023 05:19

thewinterwitch · 09/01/2023 05:13

You said it's normal for your generation, but he's not your generation.

It's old etiquette - therefore, it is even more normal for her uncle's generation!

Is it old etiquette to not invite a plus one?

thewinterwitch · 09/01/2023 05:23

ChildcareIsBroken · 09/01/2023 05:19

Is it old etiquette to not invite a plus one?

Show quote history

It would be usual to invite a plus one, but it would always explicitly state that on the invitation.

tuvamoodyson · 09/01/2023 06:14

So why didn’t your fiancé invite his much loved godfather to fill the empty seat? That way he wouldn’t now be ‘deeply upset?’

ChateauMargaux · 09/01/2023 06:26
  1. Accept that it was a mistake to invite him and that you will have to just roll with it and hope someone else drops out.
  2. Remind him immediately that he is invited alone and that if he cannot come alone he should look to cancel which should be possible within 48 hours of booking. Maybe get his sibling to phone after you have sent this message... it is partly their fault!
  3. Tell him there is no space, if he wants to carry on, he can but if someone else doesn't drop out, his partner will not be able to come.
  4. Take the risk that someone else will drop out.

The issue about your partner's godfather and other aunties and uncles is hard to separate but if you can.. do separate the two.. you have already made the decision to invite him.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/01/2023 06:28

YABU

You expect him to travel from Spain for your wedding and leave his partner behind? If he cares enough to come all that way with the expense it entails, then you should extend the invitation to his partner.

Busybutbored · 09/01/2023 06:43

ChildcareIsBroken · 09/01/2023 05:19

Is it old etiquette to not invite a plus one?

Show quote history

I think it's odd not to invite a plus one unless you're inviting a big group of singles/ friends like workmates who all know each other. It seems mean to invite someone that might end up spending the evening by themselves, doesn't seem fun for them at all (not to mention with this uncle who is coming all the way from Spain). It's the couple prerogative, but it does seem quite mean. I can't imagine it being a great atmosphere either of its a bunch of people feeling awkward, feels more like a work conference than a wedding celebration ...

Sellorkeep · 09/01/2023 06:47

Seems odd not to have partners. After all a wedding is basically a celebration of partnership.

Jap26 · 09/01/2023 07:00

Presumably his partner is an adult so will be fine on her own for a few hours while he attends the wedding? I would reply and say it's a shame you can't accommodate her at the actual wedding but when do they arrive and leave as you would love to meet her for lunch/dinner/coffee while they are here.

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 09/01/2023 07:15

I don’t think he has booked the flight and hotel yet, he is manipulating you.

Stay firm, you are entitled to invite who you want to.

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 09/01/2023 07:16

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/01/2023 06:28

YABU

You expect him to travel from Spain for your wedding and leave his partner behind? If he cares enough to come all that way with the expense it entails, then you should extend the invitation to his partner.

It’s an invite, not a summons!

notyetpregnant · 09/01/2023 07:21

Regardless of etiquette this has obviously just been a misunderstanding. I think how I would handle this would be to:

Apologise to uncle for the misunderstanding, that your mum had suggested inviting him as you had one space available and you weren't informed he had a partner.

Explain that you believe the venue is at capacity but that you will check with them directly

Email the venue to ask if an extra person can be accommodated

Depending on the response of the venue either add her in as a kind gesture to your uncle or forward email to uncle so that he can at least see that there is nothing you can do and he would have no reason to take this personally.

It seems pretty simple to resolve to me. However, if the issue is that you just don't want her there regardless because you don't know her, then you need to tell him this and stop using venue capacity as an excuse.

itbemay · 09/01/2023 07:48

YABU

Just accommodate the plus one and move on. He's already spent money on flights and accommodation to celebrate your wedding.

I can't believe you've even contacted him to ask him not to bring her!

I think you need to take a step back and put this all in perspective OP.

Metabigot · 09/01/2023 07:51

Jap26 · 09/01/2023 07:00

Presumably his partner is an adult so will be fine on her own for a few hours while he attends the wedding? I would reply and say it's a shame you can't accommodate her at the actual wedding but when do they arrive and leave as you would love to meet her for lunch/dinner/coffee while they are here.

This will sound like absolute BS! What venue can't accommodate one extra guest? I'd be so mortified in that situation as the GF, having to hang around on my own whilst everyone else is at a wedding. Uncle will be mortified on her behalf.

Agree with a PP that OP should meet Uncle and gf beforehand if possible and get to know her. She may even like her! Why invite the Uncle to be part of the special day yet show no interest in him and his life?