Wedding invite plus 1

[Sophiemoulds1999]

Me and my fiancé have had a turbulent 2 years and have become a lot stronger out the other end, we have been engaged for 3.5 years and decided now is the time to have a small intimate wedding.

our wedding starts at 5pm and finishes at 11pm it is essentially a private dinner. We invited all our immediate family and closest friends only giving our best friends a plus 1.

We recently have had one person say they are unable to come du to a pregnancy so in their place we decided to invite my uncle (my dads brother) he lives in Spain so I haven’t seen him for 8/9 years. He has also had about 3 or 4 wives and split from his last one 3/4 years ago. (My mum said it would be nice if I invited him)

I have sent him an invitation addressing it to him only and he responded saying he and ‘partners name’ would love to come. I have never heard of this woman didn’t even know he had a partner and as our wedding is so small and personal (less than 50) we don’t have space or do we want people at our wedding we do not know.

I replied a day later explaining how small the wedding was and how we were not accommodating for plus ones etc.

he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500 on doing so. He also said he would have never ever assumed she wouldn’t be invited as they have been together for 2 years. (I literally don’t speak to him haven’t spoken in years so was a silly assumption to make)

hes offered to pay for her meal but that’s not the point, my husband to be has not invited people like his aunts uncles and god fathers as he doesn’t see them that often and now feels deeply upset that a women we’ve both never met should come over someone like his god father.

I’ve told my uncle how my partner has not invited close family due to having such an intimate wedding and that just seems ti have gone over his head. I’m now really pissed off because I feel like him explaining how they’ve spent so much money is actually emotional black mail.
im very aware of hotels being refundable and I’m very aware flights can be amended. I now don’t even want him to come at all and don’t know how I get around telling him his GF can’t come as I feel I kind of did in a round about way and he wasn’t having any of it!? 😭

any ideas or help?

I’m really surprised how many people think YABU OP. I think YANBU at all. Your uncle has made an incorrect assumption and there just isn’t room for her. I think you’ll just have to reiterate what you’ve said here and say you’ll understand if he can’t come… what else can you do?

Yes I get that, but the uncle didn’t expect that he would be welcome to invite any old person as a +1, he understood that he would be welcome to bring his partner of 2 years. OP didn’t know he had a partner, but clearly uncle assumed she did (imo OP should have checked with her mum when the suggestion was made to invite him).
in any case, it was a misunderstanding and he has spent money of flights and accommodation.
The majority of pps feel that it was a reasonable assumption (that a partner of 2 years would be included in an invite to an overseas wedding), therefore it is safe to assume it was a genuine miscommunication .

Have to say I wouldn't assume partner invited unless invitation addressed to both or plus one. However I'd probably try to accommodate the partner on this occasion. He's travelling all the way from Spain. Is the real problem your fiance's reaction? Wondering because you alluded to the turbulent few years. Should you be marrying him really? If you are this worried about his reaction it suggests the relationship isn't good.

Everybody sucks here. Uncle shouldn't have assumed he gets a +1 if there was no mention on the invite, but your attitude to him accepting has been awful.

The poor guy was your plan B and he's probably not seen some of his family in a while - of course he's going to want to bring his partner along to introduce them. He doesn't want to attend by himself (who does?!) and his partner isn't going to want to sit in a hotel by herself all evening.

Either sack up and tell him he can't come (with all the associated fallout) or allow the +1, take the money for her food and get over it.

Unless your DH would have been invited to your sister's wedding before you became his girlfriend, and would still have attended if you had been divorced, he was your plus one. Same as you were to your BIL's.

It’s astonishingly rude to invite someone from overseas without their partner. If you don’t know him well enough to know he has a partner then why on Earth are you inviting him to a small intimate wedding. Regardless, it’s very rude to expect someone to spend large sums of money attending your wedding without considering their comfort/enjoyment. I see it all too often nowadays I.e. people convinced they are doing their guests a favour by inviting them - sorry to say but even the nicest weddings are expensive and inconvenient for the attendee - your guests are doing YOU a favour by coming to celebrate with you.

I say this as someone who recently held my own wedding!

Exactly. this is what people mean when they say “+1” in this context. nobody is arguing that the uncle would be reasonable to bring any old random person with them.

if you want to “right” by changing what words mean then go ahead. By the same logic, I would have been his plus one if I hadn’t been my sister’s sister… The whole premise of inviting anyone falls apart if you change the relationship between people. If I’d been unable to go then he’d still have been invited to my sister’s wedding so he wasn’t a plus one.

Exactly this. My close friend just got married in France. It cost a fortune and I was heavily pregnant. If there was anyway I could have avoided it without her being deeply disappointed I would have. I went for her. Most people feel this way about destination weddings.

YANBU. If your name’s not down, you’re not coming in. The only time I’ve ever been invited to a wedding with a +1 was when I was living in the USA where it seems to be the norm.

He shouldn’t have assumed she was invited and should have checked with you before booking the flights.

She’s not changing what words mean though, she’s just explaining how people commonly use and understand the term +1, and how people are using that term on this thread in the context of OPs uncle and partner. You seem confused about how the terminology is being used, hence writing a post which to others read like/ implied that no partners were included in your family weddings!

Love a polarised AIBU.

Interesting how split people are on the plus one issue.

I invited plus ones to my wedding even of some people I didn't know as I get it can be a bit crap if you don't know many people there. An uncle should be OK though.

I think he should have double checked that he could bring her before booking if her name wasn't on the invite (which is clearly wasn't) and you didn't know she existed.

But you can't really get mad over it. You wanted a small wedding and have decided to only invite an uncle you haven't seen for years, just because someone else pulled out. He wouldn't have been there if the other person could still come.

You either have to suck it up or prepare for the fall out of it all when you tell him he's now uninvited.

I’d tell him to F off tbh now ! What an idiot - he should have checked first

doubt he booked it all so quickly though I’d say he’s lying Hoping you’ll just say yes to the girlfriend coming

Some peoples responses on here are totally bizarre.

OP YANBU. You invited your uncle and him alone. You stated his name and his name only; he wrongly presumed a woman you've never met was invited too and the fault lies with him.

I don't care how things used to be done, nowadays when budgets and space are real genuine constraints it is not the norm to expect a plus one. If your name isn't on the invite, you're not invited; assuming otherwise is grossly self entitled and if you don't like it, don't go! Anyone else's opinion can go hang. Stick to your guns.

OP if you feel that strongly about not having a stranger at your wedding then I’m afraid you really should have sent a note with the invite that explained it was an intimate affair and whilst you’d love him to be there, sadly there is no room for plus ones. You have walked right into this. Having a stranger at your wedding is now on you, not him.

Where do you think this is so?
I would never assumen knvitations addressed to me only automatically included a plus one.

At times when I've been in a serious relationship (ie living together) I'd still check unless the invitation expressly said 'plus guest' or 'Name plus Partner's Name'

Your wedding, your decision.
Very strange of him to assume his GF that you didn't know existed was invited when you didn't give him a +1.

I would never assume. Or if I thought they would want to invite DH but it wasn't clear, I guess I might ask. But I would never just bring a +1 if they weren't on the invitation.

Not your fault your uncle has bought flights and hotel for 2 people. Maybe GF can have a nice evening out whilst wedding is happening.

This! Inviting an Uncle you havent spoke to in years to an intimate wedding! Very strange!

Honestly I think the issue here is inviting someone you have no relationship with and your family clearly have no relationship with. Your Mom didn't know he had a 2 year relationship? No one tonight to phone the guy and say look this is last minute but we have one space, and thought it would be lovely for you to come over and see everyone. You just pinged an invite out to a stranger and then got offended when he assumed you wouldn't expect him to come all that way without you inviting his long term partner

Maybe missing the point but when you had a space, why didn't your fiancé invite his Godfather as he was sad about not doing so?

Because he probably had a +1

ducks and runs from the thread

I'm almost always pro-married couple even if they're being slightly unreasonable BUT in this case, you want your uncle to spend the money and time, come all the way from Spain and he's not even allowed a plus 1? If sure you'd also expect a gift? I actually find that quite incredible. You should not have invited him at all, but what's done is done. Just suck it up and smile. The fact he even offered to pay says he's a decent person and not being a CF

🤣🤣🤣

One day later and -
he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500 on doing so

I mean, am I the only person who thinks this is bullshit?

Within 24 hours of an invitation he's done all his logistics for a niece he last saw 8 years ago and spoken to no one else in the family about it, even to see who else is going?

I call bullshit on that.