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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite plus 1

190 replies

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 20:38

Me and my fiancé have had a turbulent 2 years and have become a lot stronger out the other end, we have been engaged for 3.5 years and decided now is the time to have a small intimate wedding.

our wedding starts at 5pm and finishes at 11pm it is essentially a private dinner. We invited all our immediate family and closest friends only giving our best friends a plus 1.

We recently have had one person say they are unable to come du to a pregnancy so in their place we decided to invite my uncle (my dads brother) he lives in Spain so I haven’t seen him for 8/9 years. He has also had about 3 or 4 wives and split from his last one 3/4 years ago. (My mum said it would be nice if I invited him)

I have sent him an invitation addressing it to him only and he responded saying he and ‘partners name’ would love to come. I have never heard of this woman didn’t even know he had a partner and as our wedding is so small and personal (less than 50) we don’t have space or do we want people at our wedding we do not know.

I replied a day later explaining how small the wedding was and how we were not accommodating for plus ones etc.

he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500 on doing so. He also said he would have never ever assumed she wouldn’t be invited as they have been together for 2 years. (I literally don’t speak to him haven’t spoken in years so was a silly assumption to make)

hes offered to pay for her meal but that’s not the point, my husband to be has not invited people like his aunts uncles and god fathers as he doesn’t see them that often and now feels deeply upset that a women we’ve both never met should come over someone like his god father.

I’ve told my uncle how my partner has not invited close family due to having such an intimate wedding and that just seems ti have gone over his head. I’m now really pissed off because I feel like him explaining how they’ve spent so much money is actually emotional black mail.
im very aware of hotels being refundable and I’m very aware flights can be amended. I now don’t even want him to come at all and don’t know how I get around telling him his GF can’t come as I feel I kind of did in a round about way and he wasn’t having any of it!? 😭

any ideas or help?

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 08/01/2023 21:19

I think you are in the wrong. You should have asked your mother for more information if she was keen for him to come. It's just one extra person - suck it up, you made an error and should have done a bit of research before launching your B list. Stop spouting you don't want a stranger at your wedding, you have not seen your Uncle for 8-9 years and are clearly our if touch if you know nothing about his relationship status. He is virtually a stranger to you.

NameChagaiiiin · 08/01/2023 21:20

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 21:12

I would actually like to point out

WE do not want a STRANGER at our wedding.

Show quote history

Just uninvite him.

Sorry the place has been refilled by the person who couldn't originally make it.

Why you even invited him baffles me. If you haven't spoken in years, he's also practically a stranger. You also won't miss not talking to him.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/01/2023 21:20

Ok.. for a longer post.

it really doesn’t matter how you got to this point. You are here. Your options are

  1. accept his +1 and get on with it
  2. disinvite him and expect hurt feelings and being perceived as the rude one
  3. Talk to him and fully explain your position and hope he backs out without hurt feelings

2 and 3 means you have to be an adult and have a conversation that will be awkward and potentially hurtful toward your uncle. But I’m assuming you are an adult and are capable of using your words and accepting the consequences. Not sure what else you are looking for here.

willithappen · 08/01/2023 21:21

YABU

If your husband to be is now upset over not inviting godparents etc then surely they should have been invited over an uncle you barely know? You don't even know him well enough to know he's been in a relationship for two years.

Tandora · 08/01/2023 21:21

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 20:59

We only have one space we are already maxed out - I didn’t realise he had a partner. His whole family also lives in the UK.

maybe I should just not invited him and left one space free

Show quote history

Yeh fair enough you didn’t know - that wasn’t your fault, but you know now! So don’t be rude about it.

Hyppogriff · 08/01/2023 21:21

Yabu sorry

ihaveopinions · 08/01/2023 21:23

Well, I suppose he could use the flights just to come and see family or have a holiday in the UK, they don't have to go to waste if he doesn't attend your wedding and dates can be changed. Your uncle didn't hang about getting things booked! If you really don't want the strange GF there you have to disinvite him and expect some flak.

Create10 · 08/01/2023 21:23

YAB very U. You can't expect someone to travel all the way from Spain and spend a couple of hundred for 6 hours. Of course he will want to make it into a mini break with his partner.

Daisy4569 · 08/01/2023 21:24

Think your partners godfather should have got the extra invite over someone you barely speak to

nzeire · 08/01/2023 21:24

I’m kindof cringing for you tbh

you’re not going to be graceful about this, are you?

Create10 · 08/01/2023 21:25

Sophiemoulds1999 · 08/01/2023 21:12

I would actually like to point out

WE do not want a STRANGER at our wedding.

Show quote history

Would you travel to a wedding abroad if your DH2B wasn't invited?

roarfeckingroarr · 08/01/2023 21:25

He's being unreasonable. Just tell him no.

Ivesaidenough · 08/01/2023 21:26

I am really shocked at everyone who would assume they could bring a plus one! To me, that's the same kind of faux pas as as bringing the invitee plus siblings to a child's party. It's not rude to only invite the people you want to your wedding. In your position I would uninvite him, and explain again there is only room for one person, so if he isn't able to come without his partner you won't be able to accommodate, very sorry for the misunderstanding etc.

Awrite · 08/01/2023 21:26

Not his fault you didn't know about his gf.

YABU - it would be horrible to invite him.

Do you know how this will impact on your parents?

SMabbutt · 08/01/2023 21:28

Metabigot · 08/01/2023 21:10

So you are having a small intimate wedding but have invited an uncle you barely know?

A bit unfair to expect him to travel over without his partner, I get you didn't know about the partner to begin with but I'd have some grace and allow her to come too now rather than risk I'll feeling/ fallout from uncle and Marr the big day.

She invited him at the request of her mum after someone else dropped out. Not unusual and a nice gesture but why should she then be railroaded into having an additional guest she doesn't know and take the numbers over the capacity for the venue

"He also said he would have never ever assumed she wouldn’t be invited as they have been together for 2 years."

Nice he has a partner, but as the OP hasn't spoken to him for 8/9 years they were unaware and would never have assumed someone would receive an invitation and think it was OK to invite someone else without checking first. Very rude in my opinion. Just politely say it isn't possible and don't stress.

kirwanco · 08/01/2023 21:28

People should be grateful to receive an invite and NEVER assume they should get one or expect a plus-1. Weddings are individual to that couple and generally very fcuking expensive so you don’t have to justify invites. If he doesn’t want to come without his side-piece then he doesn’t have to come at all.

AnxiousPancreas · 08/01/2023 21:28

These responses are absolutely insane. Of course you don’t assume you get a plus one to a small wedding of a relative when they’ve never met your partner or even know you have a partner. Complete insanity. YANBU. Tell him no.

Absolutely no one had a plus one to my wedding, there were no questions or complaints. No one had a plus one to my sister’s wedding last year, no complaint (that I know of). No one had a plus one to SIL’s wedding two years ago, no complaints (that I know of). My best friend got married last year, no one had a plus one, and no complaints (that I know of). My cousin got married last summer, my DBro invited his fiancée who the couple had never met without the knowledge or consent of the couple. It was really awkward and completely unnecessary- she wasn’t invited by the couple so he shouldn’t have invited her.

Standard practice is to invite people you actually know to your wedding.

Darkstar4855 · 08/01/2023 21:29

I think YANBU, why would he assume the invite extended to a girlfriend you’d never met? In the early years of my current relationship there were a couple of family weddings that my partner was invited to but not me, it’s not uncommon.

It’s only a six hour wedding, no reason why she can’t entertain herself for that time and then they can have the rest of their break together. Or they cancel and don’t come. Their choice.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/01/2023 21:30

SMabbutt · 08/01/2023 21:28

She invited him at the request of her mum after someone else dropped out. Not unusual and a nice gesture but why should she then be railroaded into having an additional guest she doesn't know and take the numbers over the capacity for the venue

"He also said he would have never ever assumed she wouldn’t be invited as they have been together for 2 years."

Nice he has a partner, but as the OP hasn't spoken to him for 8/9 years they were unaware and would never have assumed someone would receive an invitation and think it was OK to invite someone else without checking first. Very rude in my opinion. Just politely say it isn't possible and don't stress.

Show quote history

I think the problem is that the OP is unwilling to tell her Uncle that +1 isn’t invited nor is she looking forward to the likely fallout.

HelloYourself · 08/01/2023 21:30

He shouldn't have assumed there was a plus one. It's done now though, it's not worth a family row. Try to meet your uncle and his partner for a drink beforehand so it's not an entirely unknown face. Am sure the venue will be able to accommodate one more. It won't matter in the grand scheme of things (we had 2 gate crashing partners at our wedding of 35 so I speak from experience).

CJsGoldfish · 08/01/2023 21:32

maybe I should just not invited him and left one space free

100%. You are carrying on about not having a 'stranger' at your 'small, intimate wedding' yet you invited someone you haven't seen for 8/9 years or even spoken to for 'years'
Hardly someone important to you 🙄

He has a partner he's been with for 2 years. Of course she should have been included. This is YOUR mistake. YABU.

Unfortunately you're not going to accept this so what was the point of posting?

Emmamoo89 · 08/01/2023 21:32

Yanbu

Mamai90 · 08/01/2023 21:34

Ginger1982 · 08/01/2023 20:53

Plus 1 are only for those guests that you know have a partner.

With my guests I sent a plus one to some friends who I knew were single but didn't know anyone at the wedding.

Plus ones are standard but if I was the uncle I would have checked before I booked anything since the invite didn't say plus one. I think it was a misunderstanding but I think it's more on him. That said I'd just let her come to the wedding. Tell your fiance to catch a grip if he complains as it was a total misunderstanding and it's doubtful you'll notice she's even there!

Judgyjudgy · 08/01/2023 21:34

Tandora · 08/01/2023 20:41

YABU, it was a misunderstanding, don’t create a drama and enormous bad feeling with a family member. It’s one extra person and he’s offered to pay the meal. Get over it. It’s lovely that he’s spent all that money and going to all that effort to be with you on your wedding.

Sorry I know how stressful wedding planning is, but I agree with this

keepaweatheredeye · 08/01/2023 21:35

YABU. Non plus one weddings are shit as a guest unless you know everyone else really well.

I wouldn't go to a wedding unless it was close family without my husband. I definitely wouldn't travel from Spain alone to a wedding!!