Wedding invite plus 1

[Sophiemoulds1999]

Me and my fiancé have had a turbulent 2 years and have become a lot stronger out the other end, we have been engaged for 3.5 years and decided now is the time to have a small intimate wedding.

our wedding starts at 5pm and finishes at 11pm it is essentially a private dinner. We invited all our immediate family and closest friends only giving our best friends a plus 1.

We recently have had one person say they are unable to come du to a pregnancy so in their place we decided to invite my uncle (my dads brother) he lives in Spain so I haven’t seen him for 8/9 years. He has also had about 3 or 4 wives and split from his last one 3/4 years ago. (My mum said it would be nice if I invited him)

I have sent him an invitation addressing it to him only and he responded saying he and ‘partners name’ would love to come. I have never heard of this woman didn’t even know he had a partner and as our wedding is so small and personal (less than 50) we don’t have space or do we want people at our wedding we do not know.

I replied a day later explaining how small the wedding was and how we were not accommodating for plus ones etc.

he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500 on doing so. He also said he would have never ever assumed she wouldn’t be invited as they have been together for 2 years. (I literally don’t speak to him haven’t spoken in years so was a silly assumption to make)

hes offered to pay for her meal but that’s not the point, my husband to be has not invited people like his aunts uncles and god fathers as he doesn’t see them that often and now feels deeply upset that a women we’ve both never met should come over someone like his god father.

I’ve told my uncle how my partner has not invited close family due to having such an intimate wedding and that just seems ti have gone over his head. I’m now really pissed off because I feel like him explaining how they’ve spent so much money is actually emotional black mail.
im very aware of hotels being refundable and I’m very aware flights can be amended. I now don’t even want him to come at all and don’t know how I get around telling him his GF can’t come as I feel I kind of did in a round about way and he wasn’t having any of it!? 😭

any ideas or help?

WE do not want a STRANGER at our wedding.

And fair enough. It's your wedding, it's supposed to be about what you want.

Agree with a PP that OP should meet Uncle and gf beforehand if possible and get to know her. She may even like her!

Why would she have the time and energy to do this shortly before her wedding? The uncle lives in Spain, chances are she will never see this woman again. She didn't invite her? Who wants to people-please relatives you've not seen in years at their own wedding?

Sorry op I think Yabu. You invited him as a second thought after someone else dropped out. You say yourself you haven’t seen him in near a decade and he lives in another country. Ofc he would want to bring a plus 1 on such a far trip with people he hasn’t seen in an age! Think if you were in his shoes? I get its your wedding but you will always p people off by letting some bring a plus 1, it’s either an all or nothing situation imho.

By the sound of it your uncle is a virtual stranger. You've not seen him in 9 years and you don't seem to be in enough contact with him to know he has a girlfriend.

I would not want her there either OP. I’d leave it to the parent whose sibling it is to contact him and apologise and clarify there’s no room. She can still come to the UK presumably they are making a holiday or it and seeing all their family or families whilst here.

I think he’s cheeky to assume and would have given it straight to dad to ring his brother and explain.

Exactly.

Have you ever considered that you should “read it properly” before attacking other people (who are right) because you failed to RTFT? OP explicitly said that the invitation went to him yesterday.

I can’t imagine having the confidence to be so aggressively rude to someone and attack them for not reading the thread properly when, in fact, I hadn’t read the thread myself.

I don’t imagine you’ll apologise to @Dumpstertruck but you really should.

YANBU that you only invited your uncle - as at the time you didn't know his partner existed! You would have been very unreasonable to not invite a partner of 2 years to a wedding that involves travel abroad, if you had known about her.

He was BU to boldly book for both of them without checking first but I think it would have been perfectly reasonable for him to text or call and say "Hey I was hoping my partner could come too" and for him to choose to come or not depending on that.

As it is, you've ended up in a bit of a pickle. I think the only thing you really can do suck it up and allow her to attend - if the venue has some kind of legal restriction truly limiting capacity to 50 then I would explain to uncle the situation and say that she would be first to have a place in the event on someone not turning up, but that it can't be guarenteed.

Ha thanks @RunnerBum - I think the uncle found the thread!!

Even though I don't think you're unreasonable I think you should speak to the venue and if they can accommodate the one extra person then just rise above it and do it. If the venue say you can't then there's literally nothing else you can do short of bumping someone else off...and you can say that to him. If she wants to come over for a holiday that's fine and she can meet people in the day.

I don't think any other family members have a right to be hacked off given the circumstances...you're in a really difficult position.

I'm very much in the camp that if the invite was just to me I wouldn't assume my DH was invited. And I'd happily go somewhere without him. It's not weird to me at all.

All those saying just call the venue and add another place, what happens if everyone now says 'oh my dp wants to come too' does 0p need to keep adding them to not cause offence?

You are NOT being unreasonable!

How RUDE of him to assume he automatically gets to bring someone. And to all the commenters saying they would assume they each would get to bring their SO, I hope you don’t do the rude thing and just show up with them.

I would uninvite him, especially if you are not that close. You have plenty of other people you’d rather invite. He can still keep his trip as a vacation 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s not just about the cost to cover that extra person. It’s venue capacity, and knowing that you had a random person there, instead of someone you love.

But, you have to be ready for the drama it’ll create.

Let him come but without his date… drama potentially AT the wedding

Uninvite him… drama within the family, but hopefully a smooth wedding day!

Good luck! Congrats! I hope your day is wonderful!

Also, I don’t think there was an issue with inviting your uncle that you barely know. Sure, you don’t know him well, but he is not a stranger. You would see him again, 10 years, 20 years later, because you are connected via family members.

He doesn’t need to bring a date, he should use this time to catch up with his family, and get to know YOU.

His gf is an adult. She can entertain herself (shopping on his dime?!) for a full day.

I’m getting married this year. We have way more guests than you do. Our venue CAN fit more people. I am not allowing any people to bring a random plus one. Including my fiancé’s brother! With whom we are close to!

I don’t want to look back at photos 10 years later and say “Who was that?”

This day is about you and your fiancé. Not about a “free night out with a partner” 🙄

Jesus the level of entitlement staggers me @isahrang i cannot understand for the life of me attitudes like yours. This man has spent £500 on flights/ accommodation and is willing to travel from Spain to be with his niece on her wedding. He is family. and yet you would uninvite him over a
misunderstanding? how utterly appalling, unpleasant and disrespectful . just sums up the sickening state of our culture of individualism and entitlement.

Sounds like you've already made your mind up OP and haven't actually come on mn for advice, but expected everyone to agree with you to make yourself feel better.

But my 2p would be, he's coming from Spain, I'd say give the guy a break and have his plus 1 at the wedding, you won't notice anyway, and you weren't clear is was just for him so you can hardly blame him. Sounds like he's really excited as he's been quick off the bat with booking flights etc

I don’t think you know what entitled means…

I don’t think you know what entitled means…

If he is rude enough to demand his girlfriend (an uninvited stranger) be included, then yes, it is fair to uninvite him. She has more important people to invite.

He’s not rude . It was a misunderstanding. Given that it’s a destination wedding and he’s spent all that money it’s perfectly understandable that he would want to bring his partner. It’s rude to invite someone to a destination wedding and not include their partner.

Ps I understand the mean of the world “entitled” perfectly . It’s used to describe an attitude where you think the world revolves around you, and other people are just chest pieces in the “me” show.
eg. MY wedding . I’m doing everyone a favour by inviting them. I don’t care how much money you have spent , inconvenience you have gone to to be with me on a day that only really matters to me, I don’t have to consider your needs or expense for a second cos it’s all about ME.

Wow! You are so very ungracious aren't you? Such a fuss about what is essentially (as you point out!) a meal with friends and family!!! I'm embarrassed for you! This is an elderly relative, flying in from overseas to wish you well...and all you can do is be rude, unkind and entitled. Enjoy 'YOUR' day! 🤦‍♀️

I'm embarrassed for you^.

YANBU. If he was unsure whether his GF was invited due to it only being in his name he should have clarified this before booking flights. I'd tell him it's him or not at all, doesn't sound like you have a relationship with him so I wouldn't break your back to accommodate his requests.

'Du, thanks for replying quickly. There seems to be some confusion. There is no space for a plus one for you. We invited you as we had one place left and mum is looking forward to seeing you. This isn't the usual large family gathering. It's a small celebration meal at a small restaurant. I'm sorry you assumed there was a plus one invite but that's just not possible. Please let me know if you'd prefer to come alone and sit with x or if you'd prefer to cancel. Thanks'

It's definitely unusual to invite someone to a wedding without a plus one.

It's so customary that any deviation from that norm should have been made very clear to your uncle at the time, because the assumption will be it's a plus one.

And if you didn't know him well enough to know he had a partner why did you invite him? This is a problem entirely of your own making.

What I don't get is how you've had an engagement of over 3 years but haven't ended reading about any of the etiquette. For formal events you invite couples as couples, even if you don't agree with that it's something a lot of people would expect.