Wedding invite plus 1

[Sophiemoulds1999]

Me and my fiancé have had a turbulent 2 years and have become a lot stronger out the other end, we have been engaged for 3.5 years and decided now is the time to have a small intimate wedding.

our wedding starts at 5pm and finishes at 11pm it is essentially a private dinner. We invited all our immediate family and closest friends only giving our best friends a plus 1.

We recently have had one person say they are unable to come du to a pregnancy so in their place we decided to invite my uncle (my dads brother) he lives in Spain so I haven’t seen him for 8/9 years. He has also had about 3 or 4 wives and split from his last one 3/4 years ago. (My mum said it would be nice if I invited him)

I have sent him an invitation addressing it to him only and he responded saying he and ‘partners name’ would love to come. I have never heard of this woman didn’t even know he had a partner and as our wedding is so small and personal (less than 50) we don’t have space or do we want people at our wedding we do not know.

I replied a day later explaining how small the wedding was and how we were not accommodating for plus ones etc.

he replied to tell me they had already booked flights and hotels and have spent £500 on doing so. He also said he would have never ever assumed she wouldn’t be invited as they have been together for 2 years. (I literally don’t speak to him haven’t spoken in years so was a silly assumption to make)

hes offered to pay for her meal but that’s not the point, my husband to be has not invited people like his aunts uncles and god fathers as he doesn’t see them that often and now feels deeply upset that a women we’ve both never met should come over someone like his god father.

I’ve told my uncle how my partner has not invited close family due to having such an intimate wedding and that just seems ti have gone over his head. I’m now really pissed off because I feel like him explaining how they’ve spent so much money is actually emotional black mail.
im very aware of hotels being refundable and I’m very aware flights can be amended. I now don’t even want him to come at all and don’t know how I get around telling him his GF can’t come as I feel I kind of did in a round about way and he wasn’t having any of it!? 😭

any ideas or help?

He was invited. He was a named invitee, not a plus one. If he’d been a boyfriend that my sister hadn’t met and didn’t know existed then he wouldn’t have been invited and I wouldn’t have assumed he was. I was also invited to SIL’s wedding, as a named invitee, not a plus one.

My father actually got remarried about a year after I met my (now) DH and he wasn’t invited. I didn’t think he would be and neither of us were remotely offended or upset.

@Sophiemoulds1999 There’s a lot of views here on what is etiquette, what’s right to expect and that you’re rude. I don't think you’re rude or being unreasonable at all. He is - his latest squeeze isn’t automatically invited, just because he his!

If I got an invite with only my name on it, I would never assume my partner was invited unless it said their name or plus one. My best mate of 25 years got married a while ago and only invited me, not my partner of 7 years - they only 20 guests - and that was fine. I felt it was a privilege to go, not poor etiquette or my entitlement to bring a date.

I get it’s difficult when you compare it to your fiancés side, who are not allowed the plus ones. At this rate, I’d tell fiancé it is a misunderstanding and I’d just save yourself the stress: chalk it up, and pitch another dinner setting for his plus one. You’ve bigger fish to fry and you don’t want any fallouts.

People frequently no-show to weddings without letting the B&G know on the day. The last thing the B&G want is to see a list of apologies that nothing anyway. Not to mention, many B&G don’t have their phones on them being checked throughout their wedding.

The venue can’t accommodate more than insurance allows, which is usually determined by fire safety assessments.

I’m sure you’ll have drop outs on the day due to sickness etc so maybe she could just be on the back burner. You don’t have to talk to her. I think you may have lost perspective on this, happens to the best of us !

Can you not suggest that his partner is welcome to travel with him and meet you guys after the wedding, but sit out of the actual event? I think that is reasonable to ask if you don't want her in the wedding.

I think you need to step back and look at the bigger picture here.
There is a lot of anger/bitterness about one person coming whom you don't know.
then it's all about so and so should come,not her!!why should she take the place of a closer family member?
the point is,you chose him over other family members.end of,leave it there,that decision was made.
the separate issue is he is bringing a guest.that's nothing to do with anyone else ,so called missing out.You will be reimbursed for her meal,your uncle won't feel quite so uncomfortable as he would on his own and you will be having such an amazing day you'll wonder why you were so angry.it's just one person extra.
you are causing a massive family row if you don't accept she is coming gracefully and welcome her.
Your uncle was clearly delighted to get the invite and has spent a lot of money already.
throwing a tantrum is not going to help anyone.
let it go.

Lol that completely changes your story.

I’m a bit torn on this one, but do need to point out that most flights are non refundable, and a lot of hotel bookings are the same.

No it doesn’t. Plus ones haven’t been invited to any wedding I’ve ever been to as an adult where I’ve known the guest list. Not one. Inviting a couple that you know both of isn’t remotely the same as inviting a plus one.

YABU

You say it's a small intimate wedding with only people you know, but you haven't seen this uncle for 8/9 years, that's ages!

YABVU

Jeeez this wedding sounds like an absolute shit show 🤣🤣

YABU it was a misunderstanding and he’s already spent the money, is travelling to see you, you’ve not seen him in years and the venue will add on an extra if you ask. One ‘stranger’ isn’t going to ruin your wedding. Calling it ‘emotional blackmail’ that he’s been honest with you about spending the money is just daft.

I think YANBU to feel annoyed that he assumed he got a plus 1. I would never ever assume I had a plus 1 unless it said so on the invite and find it weird that others would?

But... YABU to have invited him from Spain without a plus 1.

YABU to invite someone you haven't spoken to in years to a small intimate wedding.

If your DH is sad that people like his godfather can't be invited, can ye increase the numbers? Is this small intimate event really what ye want?

I think this has been mis understanding. Yes it's annoying but these things happen. You are likely to have late drop outs anyway and have under the numbers (as you can't vey well ask people to stand in as a last minute 'maybe').

I also think you are being harsh assuming he is lying over travel arrangements, the majority of budget flight and hotel bookings (that are booked on a personal not a business basis) are non refundable and non amenable (or it costs as much as the booking itself to amend).

Talk to the venue first and see what they say. It may be that they really don't have space for more than 50. It may be that one more wont matter. But see it as a misunderstanding rather than a someone jumping the queue of how much you want them there. He has offered to pay as a compromise.

And 50 people isn't so intimate that you will really notice or have to spend any actual time with her. You're going to have an average of around 7 min to spend with each guest only (that's ignoring the fact you have to sit down and eat, and may want a ceremony and pictures). In practice it will be a couple of minutes. She wont even register on the day.

I think your circles are unique then. It’s a standard practice to invite +1s.

The term + 1 is commonly used and understood more broadly than that. It doesn’t necessarily just refer to unknown guests. It often is used to signify whether a guest is priority for inviting their partner or not .

People who say YABU are nuts. Invitations are to named persons and if it doesn’t say “+1” than it is very rude to assume anyone other than yourself is invited. Furthermore, you know someone very, very well, and there were circumstances meaning it would be difficult to come without a +1 it would be rude even to ask, let alone assume.

Having said that, if you can possibly fit her in, I would have the uncle’s partner. They were rude, but one should always strive to be gracious even in response to rudeness. That is what being polite is all about.

Sometimes I read posts and think wow. I'm totally out of touch with so many people. I can't imagine a situation where partners married or otherwise wouldn't be invited. I'd be really reluctant to leave mine behind. But it's never happened.

Get your dad to have a word with him. It's his brother after all.

Are you having place cards on the tables ?
It will be a bit awkward when everyone goes to st down to eat ànd there is no seat for the gf..and no dinner either..
Iv always wondered what happens in these situations

I’m married and don’t assume that an invite with just my name on it automatically means myself and dh.
I would say to your uncle: The invite is just for you. We fully understand if you cannot come. Let me know if you will be attending by X date. Then leave it at that.
Don’t engage in an further correspondence.
Yiy bust need to know if he is a yes or a no.

The invite should have been specific to say "we have reserved 1 space for you".....your uncle shouldn't have assumed he should have asked. But the easiest thing now would be to explain to the venue and get her added. It's really not a big deal.

I didn’t say it was just that. But if you invite Jack and Julie then you haven’t invited “Jack plus one”, you’ve invited “Jack and Julie”. If Jack decided to bring along a mate from his office instead because Julie can’t make it then the B&G would be well within their rights to tell him to do one. Certainly, if you invite “Jack”, you didn’t invite “Jack and whoever else Jack wants to bring” regardless of how well you know Julie or anyone else Jack fancies bringing. If an invite says “plus one” then that means you can invite anyone you like in that slot, if it names people then those places are non-transferable and if it just has one name then it doesn’t include a plus one. It’s almost as if the invites say it in black and white to avoid this kind of confusion.

And the lady wedding I went to dh was not invited.
Not going to go into details as it was purely down to numbers.
I went to the wedding with other solo invitees. No drama.

Flaming auto correct 😡