Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

323 replies

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 19:27

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 07/01/2023 19:53

I think I've seen this exact post before. Not long ago.

stopbeeping · 07/01/2023 19:54

Don't agree

Full stop

Don't think you'll find empathy here

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 07/01/2023 19:56

We're 22 yrs in and still happy so I would have to disagree with you.

LaLuz7 · 07/01/2023 19:56

Do you plan on having kids? How would this partner-hopping look like with kids involved?

Pearsandclocks · 07/01/2023 19:58

Well we’ve been together nearly 30 years. Don’t really get your post. We don’t stay together for any other reason than we love each other, and don’t want to be with other people.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/01/2023 19:59

Oh no, can't think of anything worse tbh.

Phrenologistsfinger · 07/01/2023 19:59

yeah agreed!

thesnailandthewhale · 07/01/2023 19:59

Yep I'm with you op, I'd like to believe in the forever and ever but life has shown me that is incredibly rare.

jetadore · 07/01/2023 20:00

No, I think what people don’t get is that a relationship isn’t just some magical self sustaining thing that lasts forever because it was great in the beginning. You’re right in that people change, but hopefully for the better through self reflection and self improvement, likewise relationships need to be maintained through communication, honest reflection, confronting issues and again self improvement. True that many people aren’t able to achieve this hence relationships fail.

HappyAsASandboy · 07/01/2023 20:00

I can see where you're coming from, and a long time ago I might have agreed with you. But now I see that yes, irks and annoyances come along, but the relationship grows around them much as a tree will grow around an obstacle. As long as the two people are compatible and there no abuse and plenty of respect, the tree that has grown for decades, albeit around obstacles, is a lot stronger and richer than a younger sapling that has yet to meet an obstacle.

Bard6817 · 07/01/2023 20:01

12 years in, feels a lot less and as we approach our early retirement, the next chapter is for us, not the kids.

Krakenes · 07/01/2023 20:01

You don’t need to justify anything. Just do what works for you. Personally I love being in a long term relationship, having children, being married. My parents have been together for 45yrs and are still very happy. I had an amazing childhood and feeling of stability. I want that for my children, I could only do that with my amazing husband who does an equal share of the chores, childcare, etc. I feel like we are a team and we still fancy the pants off each other.

Wouldn’t have it any other way, but it’s not for everyone - would be a boring world if we all thought the same!!

Ginsloth · 07/01/2023 20:02

You’re unreasonable to say emotionally healthy people don’t stay together after 10 years.
Why do you think that even though people change they can’t still be compatible? My husband and I are both different to when we first met, but not so much that we’re now incompatible just because a length of time has passed. Sure, people change, interests and hobbies perhaps, but who you are fundamentally doesn’t change that much.

WaffleHouseWendy · 07/01/2023 20:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HumphreysCorner · 07/01/2023 20:04

Got married in 2001 and through every challenge we will be together forever and there have been many challenges.

TheWorstWeek · 07/01/2023 20:04

Two people do change a lot in ten years that's true but it doesn't mean they also grow apart. I've been with DH for 17 years since we were 16 and we are not the same people we were when we first fell in love by a long shot. Instead we've weathered good times and bad, heartbreak and utter joy, and become stronger than ever. We have shaped each other in ways we could never have imagined and I'm happy to say that we have grown together, not apart.

I can't imagine thinking that a relationship would only be good for 10 years like it's got some sort of sell by date.

Suziesz · 07/01/2023 20:05

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

You’re assuming incompatibilities grow, that they don’t grow together and that contempt sets in though.
In a healthy relationship this isn’t the case.

Since you actively look for shorter relationships have you actually been in a long one?

My relationship is a good bit longer than a decade and I don’t recognise any of the things you say.

Lunarpsychobitch · 07/01/2023 20:06

I don't agree, but I don't think you're being unreasonable either. You're being you and if that's what you want from life and are happy with then that's fine but I would make sure you're very clear with partners to make sure they want the same thing.

LaLuz7 · 07/01/2023 20:06

Took me 2.5 years on OLD to find a keeper.

I'd rather chew off an arm than go through the absolute soulsucking horror show that is dating every decade.

pinkpotatoez · 07/01/2023 20:08

I see why people want a forever partner, it'd be great to find one who can change and grow with you. You're right in saying most don't last forever but it's sad to say you know you're going to break up in the future when dating I think. It's like you have already decided you aren't willing to stay with a person for more then a few years

Highlyflavouredgravy · 07/01/2023 20:08

Awwww. I am sorry you have not been able to maintain a lasting, loving relationship.

Maybe one day eh?

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 20:10

Hmm I think my longest was when I was young and it was 7 years.

Im just giving 10 as a rough estimate. Tbh it could be 5 or 20. But I believe that 99% of relationships from our 20s-50s have or should have an expiration date before you die. (Assuming death of old age).

I think many people just stay in things out of fear of being alone.

Oh and no I haven't posted this before.
And no I don't want kids. Which I guess makes it easier for me to call it a day when things no longer work I guess.

OP posts:
ClarissaParry · 07/01/2023 20:11

HappyAsASandboy · 07/01/2023 20:00

I can see where you're coming from, and a long time ago I might have agreed with you. But now I see that yes, irks and annoyances come along, but the relationship grows around them much as a tree will grow around an obstacle. As long as the two people are compatible and there no abuse and plenty of respect, the tree that has grown for decades, albeit around obstacles, is a lot stronger and richer than a younger sapling that has yet to meet an obstacle.

I really like this analogy.

Comparing the early days of my relationship with my wife, to now, I definitely feel this way about us. We've grown stronger overcoming obstacles together and I really do look forward to our growth in the years to come.

olivehater · 07/01/2023 20:12

I think you will find that once you get past a certain age you won’t find your “next” partner as single men your age will naturally look for a much younger model. And the numbers are against you - less single men compared to women as you get older.

Been with mine 16 years and not sick of him at all. On the contrary. I will also be forever linked to him as he is the father of my children so I have a vested interest in making it work.

MynameisJune · 07/01/2023 20:13

20 years in, it get’s better every year. If it works for you op then great but I don’t agree. Was 18 when I met DH definitely not the same people we are now. But we love each other and are both committed to putting in the work because relationships take work, they don’t just happen.

Swipe left for the next trending thread