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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

323 replies

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 19:27

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 07/01/2023 20:41

Do you view all relationships in your life this way? Friends for example or family? With the mindset that you’ll tire of that person, find them irritating or grow apart and walk away after a few years?

You seem to have a rigid view that Familiarity breeds contempt. Have you always felt this way?

Highlyflavouredgravy · 07/01/2023 20:46

Even if there are irks , there is so much else that will offset that.
And the relationship goes through different phases. If you never stay with anyone long enough you will never experience the evolution.

I've been with my dh for 30 years and there is noone i would rather be with, noone i can trust as much, noone i can relax so deeply with.

SpentDandelion · 07/01/2023 20:48

It depends on what you want, and maybe what stage of life your at.
Also just because a relationship is years old does not always guarantee it's a happy one, although some are.
Most people hate change so would rather stick to familiarity.
I think relationships do have individual time frames, people change and if they don't change together it can become a source of misery, doesnt mean the relationship was a mistake, just that it's come to a natural end. Endings can be the beginning of better things to come.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 20:56

SmileyClare · 07/01/2023 20:41

Do you view all relationships in your life this way? Friends for example or family? With the mindset that you’ll tire of that person, find them irritating or grow apart and walk away after a few years?

You seem to have a rigid view that Familiarity breeds contempt. Have you always felt this way?

Why would I keep people in my life I no longer like? Maybe that sounds harsh. But I think it better not to waste one anothers time if thats how you feel.

I wouldn't however, stop being friends with someone I'd grown apart with though. Because there's nothing wrong with remaining aquaintances.

But the people I surround myself with on a regular basis, I have to like them. I think that's perfectly fair. If someone annoys the shit out of me then I'd probably end the relationship but perhaps remain friends (them willing) because obviously we weren't cut out to spend so much time together if we'd 'grown tired' of eachother.

I wouldn't say I feel familiarity breeds contempt necessarily. Though perhaps if you don't get enough personal space from them from time to time it would.

I think we shouldn't fight so hard to hold something together if it really feels like a chore to do so. Sure, relationship break ups hurt. But they leave a space for new adventures and new people to come into our lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 20:58

Basically I'm saying, you can still love someone but maybe that still doesn't mean you need to remain together. Especially if there's nothing but stress or incompatibility in the relationship.

OP posts:
Bagsundermyeyestoday · 07/01/2023 21:01

For some people the grass is greener, for some people they know it's not, for some people they aren't bothered if it is ... and some are genuinely happy with their partner. It all depends.
One thing for sure is people change and often grow apart, and many relationships are hard work, that you both need to work on.
I would say it's not easy sailing for most. Even Michelle Obama said something about this, which shocked me. Who wouldn't want to be married to Barack! He seems amazing sorry, I digress

Thedogscollar · 07/01/2023 21:02

Hi OP. You don't say your age but your post made me feel a bit sad.
I met my husband a week before my 19th birthday and we have been together for 42 years this August.

Yes we have changed as people of course we have but our love has grown and developed over the years. It is a much deeper mature love. He is my best friend as I am his. We are at our most comfortable in each others company.

We respect each others qualities but we also appreciate that we don't always have the perfect relationship in that it's not always hearts and flowers. What we both know though is we've been there for each other through thick and thin.

Relationships go through phases good and bad times but when you find your soulmate you just know. I'm hoping that you just haven't found him or her yet. If you are happy with having more than one life partner then fine but others can also be very happy and contented with one life partner.

Suziesz · 07/01/2023 21:03

Why is it always the people who are ‘so happy being single’ who are obsessed with the idea that others are in terrible relationships, or are settling or couldn’t possibly be happy in the long term?

Nursejackie1 · 07/01/2023 21:03

I completely agree with you. And to the person above saying about being old, one of the best people I’ve ever met is a 98 year old who was on the lookout for her 7th husband. She was ace

Noonesperfect · 07/01/2023 21:05

To me real love is forever and involves commitment. If you go into a relationship half-arsed from the beginning, I don't think you're giving it a proper chance to go a full lifetime. Obviously it's your life, your choice. I just find it sad that you don't feel you'll ever love anyone enough to never want to let them go.

TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter · 07/01/2023 21:08

YABU. Just because a long term relationship either hasn’t happened for you or you don’t want one, it doesn’t mean it can’t happen for others. One of the sweetest couples I’ve met have been married for over 60 years and still walk down the street holding hands ❤️ I hope to be like that with DH.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 21:08

@Thedogscollar
Thanks but, I've found soul mates before. Good people, salt of the earth. But not forever soul mates. Not saying they can't happen of course.
It's nice that you've found a good'un.

Buy I just think we'd all be a lot more emotionally healthy if we approached life happily single and whatever will be will be. Rather than setting out looking for perminance in orher people.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 07/01/2023 21:10

32 years in and can’t imagine it not lasting forever.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 21:11

Noonesperfect · 07/01/2023 21:05

To me real love is forever and involves commitment. If you go into a relationship half-arsed from the beginning, I don't think you're giving it a proper chance to go a full lifetime. Obviously it's your life, your choice. I just find it sad that you don't feel you'll ever love anyone enough to never want to let them go.

I absolutely DO believe in that sort of love. But I think for the most part it's exceedingly rare AND just because you don't want to let it go, doesn't mean its necessarily healthy for you.

OP posts:
Adviceneeded200 · 07/01/2023 21:11

I suspect with your view you are always expecting to be "out" in a set time so don't really look for the great, and different, things you get with longevity.

I have a fab "second" family. In laws, nieces, nephews, their partners and - in teh past - grand in laws! I lost my Mum last year and they've been amazing support. Can't imagine you having this, ever.

And how does it work with children? Or do you not want kids.

Adviceneeded200 · 07/01/2023 21:14

I don't think we would be more emotionally healthy because splits are stressful and almost every split would be "the right time" for one party and "Not the right time" for the other.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 21:15

Adviceneeded200 · 07/01/2023 21:11

I suspect with your view you are always expecting to be "out" in a set time so don't really look for the great, and different, things you get with longevity.

I have a fab "second" family. In laws, nieces, nephews, their partners and - in teh past - grand in laws! I lost my Mum last year and they've been amazing support. Can't imagine you having this, ever.

And how does it work with children? Or do you not want kids.

No I mentioned above not wanting them. So obviously that makes things easier.

I don't go into things anticipating when I'll be 'out' no. I go into things hoping that however much time we spend together it will be warm, meaningful or just fun. The same same I know I'll die one day, but I don't give it much thought lol.

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 07/01/2023 21:18

"happily single and whatever will be will be."

I was like this for a good year right up u til I met dh. Now I can't imagine life without him.

It doesn't have to be that the people in long term relationships were pining desperately for a 'forever person' and then found them. I think it's more complex than that.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 21:19

Adviceneeded200 · 07/01/2023 21:14

I don't think we would be more emotionally healthy because splits are stressful and almost every split would be "the right time" for one party and "Not the right time" for the other.

That's true. But you don't have to stay just because its not the right time for them for you to leave. Its YOUR life. If you leave a relationship or stay in one, do it for YOU not them.

(Exception might be if they are currently sick or newly grieving of course)

OP posts:
Noonesperfect · 07/01/2023 21:19

I absolutely DO believe in that sort of love. But I think for the most part it's exceedingly rare AND just because you don't want to let it go, doesn't mean its necessarily healthy for you.

But if two people want to stay together and enjoy being together, I don't understand how that could be considered unhealthy .

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 07/01/2023 21:21

I don't fully agree with the blanket statement 'relationships shouldn't last forever', but I don't think you're totally wrong. Different people just need different things. If a more transient approach to relationships works better for you: great! I absolutely agree some people are together because of finances/children/to avoid being alone, but I also think lots of people genuinely love their relationships.

I'd agree 100% with the statement "People should only stay in relationships that enrich their life." Anything else is just really sad.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 21:22

Noonesperfect · 07/01/2023 21:19

I absolutely DO believe in that sort of love. But I think for the most part it's exceedingly rare AND just because you don't want to let it go, doesn't mean its necessarily healthy for you.

But if two people want to stay together and enjoy being together, I don't understand how that could be considered unhealthy .

Well it wouldn't be. That would be one of those rare happy ever afters.

Assuming it lasted of course.
And that there wasn't anything else going on and denial involved (abuse ect...).

OP posts:
Adviceneeded200 · 07/01/2023 21:23

I'm confused because you seem to agree with those of us with long term relationships...

don't go into things anticipating when I'll be 'out' no. I go into things hoping that however much time we spend together it will be warm, meaningful

Roseberry1 · 07/01/2023 21:24

I agree people need to be more realistic in what they're putting up with to "stay together forever." In years gone by, couples only had 40/50/60 year marriages because (mainly women) put up with a lot of shit from their spouse; cheating/him going down the pub as the norm/getting "pin" money to run the house/him being a nasty drunk/everyone tiptoeing around him.

It was too taboo to divorce, and they were expected to shut up and put up. Then, in old age there's this weird nostalgia where they look back with rose tinted glasses and talk about their long, good marriage. This only happened because women had no choice but to put up with it.

Nowadays, we look for red flags before we've even been on a date and much less likely to put up with shit men. The women who do are usually the ones who are financially tied in where he holds the cards or tied with kids.

On the whole, whilst it would be nice to meet someone lovely to be with forever, it's likely you won't as it's easier/less taboo to leave.

cheshirebloke · 07/01/2023 21:27

That's just typical of modern disposable/throwaway society. Now it goes all the way down to relationships. It's all very selfish IMO - you just want someone that suits you right now, and they're disposable once your use for them ends. It's also an avoidant thing - if you don't consider a relationship to be a forever thing then you think that you're not opening yourself up to the pain of it failing.

The problem is that if you go into a relationship with that attitude, it's a self fulfilling prophecy. You're setting yourself up for a failure. And you're also much more likely to have someone walk out on you if you both have that attitude, even if you think things are still going pretty well.

Relationships need effort and commitment. People are far more more likely to likely to take the easy option of just walking away than work at it. Obviously I'm not suggesting that every relationship is going to last forever, or that people should stay together in a truly rotten one. But I do think many people fall victim to a 'grass is greener over there' situation.