To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

[Pinkbonbon]

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

That's why I mentioned 'some people have kids*'.

Well @Pinkbonbon you're on a parenting site... so, like MOST people have kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

Haha she was condescending and bitchy in the prior post too. Hence my response. Has the cheek to ask if IM alright! Ironic.

I'm not the one going around condescending to 'baby mamas' and talking about men putting their dicks me. Needs to check her internalised mysoginy. Mental.

My guess would be the poor bastard is just to afraid to divorce you because h knows you'd destroy him and dance on his ashes.

@whatthefactuall I agree with you. I have been married 18 years and we’re still happy and in love. The first few years are the honeymoon phase, where you can’t keep your hands off each other and you get butterflies when you see them or when they call or text. After 10 years or so you settle, and if you’re right for one another you just fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw. You take care of each other, you care deeply about them. The wedding vows are for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, and forsaking all others, and people should mean this when they make these vows. I’d never condone staying with someone who has broken their vows, so if someone cheated or was abusive, this breaks the wedding vows. But if you genuinely love someone and they genuinely love you, neither of you break those vows. I wouldn’t ever want to be with anyone else and I wouldn’t want to be alone either, I adore my husband and if anything ever happened to him I’d be completely broken. After all these years he’s a part of me, loosing him would be worse than loosing a limb. I’ve been seriously ill these last 3 years and he’s absolutely been there for me and our children 100% He’s handsome, kind, complimentary, compassionate, an excellent lover, a wonderful father. Idk why anyone would choose to leave a relationship when it’s happy and you’re completely in love with them? The comment OP made about relationships only being good for a few years, she obviously leaves or he left her once the honeymoon period was over. It’s like trying to build a house with no foundations, it’ll crumble and fall. The OPs parents clearly don’t have a very good marriage, her own marriage is over and she’s hurting and projecting her feelings onto everyone else’s relationship. I agree with you, it is sad and I also feel sorry for her. The comments about how long she assumes you’ve been married and what she assumes your relationship is like are very strange, I’d put it down to her grieving the relationship with the father of her child/ren that has obviously ended badly.

tell yourself you're better off alone forever..You've been hurt by every man who put their dick in you and now you're broken

I agree, your reply was crass and offensive to any single woman who has found the courage to leave an abusive relationship. Of course people's views are shaped by their own experience. Have some tact.

It's a shame because this has been an interesting debate.

Even I'm offended by that comment and I disagree with the original premise! Blimey, I don't know what would provoke such a strong response- projection perhaps?

My comments were a response to her presumptive comments about me. Which I assure you, we're far worse. And very condescending to women's in general. As you can probably see reflected in her most recent post too tbf just by her choice of language. So whilst you may disagree with my prior comments - don't feel this troll xD

I was making the point that if she is going to go assuming shit like all my family are divorced ect... (qs well as choice things like all my friends are single 'baby mama' types) then ill happily do the same back.

*feed

😂 You keep telling yourself whatever you need to in order to feel better about yourself doll.

@Santaswingman 👏 And May you both continue to have many more happy years together. Some women will go a whole lifetime never finding a love like what you and I have found with our husbands, and you can see here just how bitter it’s made them 😉 to be fair I’d probably be a miserable bitter old bitch too if I hadn’t met my husband. Some people have terrible relationships, some people have mundane relationships, I’m very lucky to have a genuinely happy marriage, you’ve only to scroll through MN to see that this is actually sadly a rarity.

Also I'm not divorced and I don't have kids.

I cam only assume there's some cross over from another poster being confused as me.

scroll through Mn and you can see this (a happy relationship) is a rarity

Can I point out that the relationship board is for posters needing advice on a relationship problem, often detailing experience of toxic couplings or abusive partners.

It's not a representation of the general populations relationships.

Am 32 years married and whilst, on times, we do get on each other's nerves, we love each other and want to be with each other.

I wonder what sort of person uses vile misogynist language to another woman to make 'her' point in debate, and wants to convince us that not being with a man risks turning women into 'bitter old bitches'? That you again Bernard?😂

Yeah there seems to be a bit of it flying about.
Very odd. And I'm getting flamed for calling them on it apparently.

Guess I'll justgo take my (34 year)old bitter arse elsewhere and be all single and miserable...maybe in Spain. I'll have a right miserable time with some sand, suncream and Spanish waiters. Woe is me, its a hard life.

Yeah there seems to be a bit of it flying about.
Very odd. And I'm getting flamed for calling them on it apparently.

Guess I'll justgo take my (34 year)old bitter arse elsewhere and be all single and miserable...maybe in Spain. I'll have a right miserable time with some sand, suncream and Spanish waiters. Woe is me, its a hard life.

I think the "ideal scenario" of a married couple still together and gloriously happy after decades is fairly unrealistic. Separation, new relationships, second (third, fourth) marriages and being long term single should all be more acceptable in our society. Of course its possible, and probably quite lovely, to make a long term relationship work well for everyone involved but we have to get rid of the notion that it's the only decent way to live and to be admired above other arrangements.

I don’t know

i quite enjoy speaking to my husband once a week or so. We’re 14 years in!

I wondering how a person who resorts to fight mode (resorting to personal insults when their views are challenged) “wins” arguments with their husband?

I don’t know. I quite enjoy speaking to my husband once a week or so. We’re 14 years on

That made me laugh.
We bought a post card on holiday to celebrate 20 years together and framed it in our downstairs toilet with the words “It’s remarkable we’ve tolerated each other this long” written on it in gold.

Weve never pretended we’re living in a forever fairy tale but it’s working so far.

@whatthefactuall

Are you ok? Like, actually ok? I’ve not been married 30 years, my parents have been married a lot longer than 30 years, my parents never argued, nothing huge anyway. I’m very happy in my marriage, if I wasn’t I’d be divorced like everyone in your family is.

You sound completely broken, no wonder nobody wants to marry you. What’s all the making stories up about people you don’t know, have you always been a fantasist? Lol, you’re funny.

Best of luck, you keep trying to tell yourself that you’re better off alone forever and that happy marriages don’t exist. You’ve obviously been hurt by every man that’s ever put his dick in you and you’re now broken. 😉

Pretty harsh this post. ^ But also: nail on head. Only 34 and so bitter and angry about people who stay together/stay married for many years. Obviously some underlying issues @Pinkbonbon and I hope you can get help for them.

I have come across a few women (and men) like this in my life, but moreso when I was younger (I am late 50s now, and married nearly 35 years.) During the first 10 years of our marriage, there were so many naysayers and people who dished out spiteful putdowns and mocked being 'tied down,' and DH being under the thumb (coz it's only MEN who are under the thumb. )

Some years later, these mocking naysayers were all middle aged, and permanently single and starting to get lonely... Joining dating groups, speed-dating, online dating etc etc to try to find someone, but it's too late for many.

Meanwhile we were celebrating our silver wedding anniversary - and then pearl aniversary, with our lovely adult DC and their partners and our friends and extended family. And having parties for our DC's 18th and 21st birthdays, going to graduations, going on holiday abroad with them and their partners, and having a lovely life. The mocking naysayers were propped up the bar with a cocktail, now mid to late 40s/early 50s, looking at women and men half their age, and dreaming about hooking up with them (but just being laughed at by them.)

The kind of post that makes me roll my eyes is one I read earlier in the thread that said 'I know a 98 year old who is on the lookout for her 7th husband... She is ACE.' Like, why is she ACE because she has already had 6 husbands? It doesn't make her any better than someone who has had ONE husband all their life. I mean GOD FORBID someone stays with the same person all their life.

Like most others on here who are long-term married, I am not going to sit here and pretend marriage is all sunshine and roses, and we have had some difficult times and some fierce rows (moreso when we were a lot younger,) but I will take it ANY day over being single. I am not bashing being single, and I know some people prefer a single life, but it's not a life I desire.

Being married makes me very happy, and despite a few bumps in the road over the past 35 years, for the most part, me and DH have been happy, and are good friends who have lots in common, do a lot together (as well as with friends and other family,) and are more in love than ever. I know some people don't like to believe this scenario is possible, because they have never had it, but that's their problem. Can't make people believe something they don't want to believe.

I've no idea why you think a vile post full of personal insults, misogyny and insinuatiions that all single women are messed up in the head is "nail on the head"

In your 50s and married 35 years means you married as teenagers?
Perhaps some of the "mocking naysayers" were concerned you were rushing into marriage?
I wouldn't encourage my teen dc to commit to marriage that young.

That said, it has worked out well and you've grown together. It could have turned out differently.

There are single people who aren't bitter, jealous and damaged, I'm not sure why you've encountered so many.
I'm in my fifties, married 20 years and I've never encountered the type of sad middle aged Singleton you describe.
I know a few divorccees who've gone on to find love with other people. Middle age or beyond is certainly not "too late" to find a partner?

We still like and do many of the same things we just don’t do them all now because our bodies are older. I think we knew ourselves which had nothing to do with us as a couple and everything to do with us as individuals.

I think being able to have a lot of experiences and trying lots of different things when younger is very helpful to know yourself.

Personally I had no plan but to embrace life and experiences and make as much money as possible. My family were very poor so no hobbies for me as a child that required money, hence my love of tree climbing plus lots of swimming in the sea. Many of my friends fretted over finding Mr Right. It just wasn’t on my radar nor was having children but I was not anti this and considered what others wanted their choice.

So of my friendship group from school as the one who wasn’t looking I have been out of those girls the only one with a long successful marriage. I feel like I know myself well the positive and the negative stuff.

We are coming up to 27 years together.I look at my friends and relatives experiences and realise I am very lucky.

There are single people who aren't bitter, jealous and damaged

The single people who have made the decision to stay single are independent, secure and very level headed. If anything, they feel pity for those who married early and didn't see the world before being burdened by a house, a partner and a family.
But I think to see this side of a thirty/forty/fifty something year old single person - you had to have been one.

I haven't read the whole thread, however I do agree with you OP.
My partner and I have been together over 10 years. We once got on so well, had great fun together and had a good sex life but it has dwindled to nothing and due to underlying resentments the last few years since DD was born, we tolerate each other at very best. At worst it seems like we are each others worst enemies. He won't split up, but I'd be much happier on my own. I think some relationships have a shelf life, and we should have been together about 7/8 years before splitting. Partner was the same with his ex, who he split with after 10 years. Before my partner, I had 3 relationships of 3 years or less. I couldn't get over that stage, as I didn't want long term commitment with them.

I know lots of people who have wonderful relationships 20,30, 40 years of being together. I envy them, I don't know how they love each other after so long. I don't believe in just staying in a relationship as it's the right thing to do. My parents have been married 40 years and looking in it just looks miserable. Always having to answer to the other. I couldn't be doing with it.
There's nothing wrong with what you are proposing. Some people are better in short relationships or on their own. If you don't want kids it definitely makes it easier too.

Interesting that some of the married women who are apparantly so content and happy are so very angry, abusive even to those they 'pity'. It seems that living in a state of married bliss does little for one's temper.