To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

[Pinkbonbon]

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

@reddwarfgeek

Your parents marriage sounds utterly awful. Why do they have to answer to each other? My parents have been together decades and they certainly don’t need to “answer to each other”. Yes they have shared hobbies but they’re independent people with separate friends/hobbies etc. Ever thought your heading for disaster with each relationship because your own frame of reference is a bit shit? You can sense misery off your parents well I only sense happiness off mine.

People don’t always grow apart and get sick of each other though so it’s silly to say most people in long term relationships are only together because they’re afraid of being alone. Some people just actually love their partner and love means loving the annoying shit they do too or at least being able to look past it.

I think as much as people are saying they've done work on being in a partnership, people who are happily single have done work on being alone.

Personally, I find it absolutely delicious to be by myself and have my own autonomy. With the best will in the world, a relationship is about comprising with another human being. I can do anything I want to do - just as happily by myself or with friends.

From the way some people talk about being single, as if it's a fate worse than death to be older and not have 25 year old men want to sleep with you anymore, it's showing just how uncomfortable they would feel to be alone. I'm so happy I don't feel like that.

Not to say that I don't like the idea of romance. If it happened, that would be nice. I'm in no desperate hurry to find someone though. They'd have to be pretty cool to make me want to give up all this.

I'm sorry that you've experienced spiteful people who mocked your relationship.

But I am neither angry (apart from at all the oddly personal insults from mysoginistic posters on this thread) nor bitter.

I don't 'need help' for holding a different view about relationships to you. I would also point out that it kinda...sounds like you are projecting your experience with other people onto me.

I wpuld advise thar you remove people who are supposed to be your friends yet, criticise your life choices, from your life. Not take it out on other people online.

I hope you have better friends and company these days.

@PurpleButterflyWings
Sorry I should say "not project it"
As opposed to 'take it out on' as I can see your post wasnt meant to be nasty.

OP you sound pretty delusional about the dating market and just how bad it is the older you get. Ask anyone who does online dating. The few eligible men in their forties and fifties will likely go younger. The idea you can keep pulling eligible men as you get older and older is wishful thinking.

I don’t agree. Over thirty years here, I love him with every fibre of my being, I never, ever want to be without him, it’s my biggest dread! He is truly all I’ve ever wanted in a husband, I feel truly blessed.

I haven't said anything about the dating market or age. So maybe you're thinking if another poster.

Or did you mean as in, if people start dating again as they age?

Yeah that might be fair. But if there's not suitable people to date then you can just be single...

Yeah that might be fair. But if there's not suitable people to date then you can just be single...

Yes but most people don’t want to be single long term. It’s harder as you get older to meet someone. Most eligible men are off the market and the few who aren’t will likely go younger. There have been studies of online dating that show 80% of women only go for 20% of men, so you’re competing for a tiny pool of men.

It’s not like being in your twenties where you can easily keep meeting different men, that’s not realistic and most people don’t want to end up being alone. You have to make compromises in a relationship and know you won’t be in the honeymoon period for your entire relationship.

I’m 52. I’ve not found this to be true at all. Currently dating someone the same age as me.

People spend their 30s getting married and their 40s onwards getting divorced. At any given point there are people who have just got divorced or their partner has died (more common the older you get).

Not if the compromise is 'I'll settle with this person because otherwise I might have to be single'.

Maybe instead if doing that we should work towards being more comfortable 'alone' (Which doesn't even have to be alone because that's what pets and friends are for).

Tbh I think I'd rather be single after 50. I don't thibk I'd want a man trampling about my space lol. Ďunno if I feel the same then but I daresay I won't be fussed, so long as I enjoyed my life prior and had plenty of hobbies to pursue.

I don't remember what she said about him. But she did marry Bror and have to go through bankruptcy and syphilis, so you can't blame her if she ended up feeling a bit jaded by men.

And if the real Denys F-H looked like Robert Redford did, I would have. (I should know. Google will know.)

This is just one of the myths that keep women in unsatisfactory relationships with mediocre, or worse, men. No man will want you when you're past a certain age, so best stick with the one who tolerates you for old times sake.
For starters, men in their 40s snd 50s can want young women all they like, but very few could successfully compete for them with young men. The wise ones know this and do indeed date their own age range. I know of very few middle aged men with much younger parents, and the ones that have them are, well..rich.
Not one of my middle aged female friends is single from lack of offers. They may find it harder to meet someone, but that's generally because men in that age range often have flaws they're now too wise and discerning to tolerate, and prefer to be single than compromise. Certainly they could replace their ex husband easily enough with a man of similar quality.
Peddling the myth that an older woman will be alone for ever unless she gets married and stays that way only serves the interests of men who want to retain wives they often don't deserve.

I'm 50. I'm on OLD. I can't keep up with the number of men my age who are keen. Some are lovely.

This is anecdotal obviously but I have been around more of this recently. I recently spent a weekend with the elderly parents of an old school friend who had been married 60 odd years and they were simultaneously incredibly irritated and snappy with each other and at the same time totally dependent on each other: neither of them could make the most trivial decision without “seeing what your father thinks”. Then when the other spouse walked back in the room they went back to arguing and berating one another. It was excruciating to be around. My own parents were a bit like that too. Constantly bickering but incapable of doing anything without one another.

Sadly, this describes my parents. They've been married for over half a century but I really don't think they love each other any more. My mum barely tolerates my dad. But they cannot be apart.

However, that is just them. And they were happy for around 30 years, it's just after that that things started to go downhill. My mum would have been much better off without my dad. I doubt my dad would have lasted long without my mum.

Anyway, there are billions of humans on the planet and billions of possible relationships. And it's about balance, no? I've seen people throw away good relationships that just needed a bit of work and a bit of give and take. Equally I've seen people stick at things that should have ended decades previously. You have to draw your own line as to whether or not you think a relationship is worth sticking at. I very much hope my current partner remains as my partner for many, many years to come. But I'm also aware he might not, and that's okay. We don't live together, which I think keeps us both happy. And yes, I do still call him my partner. It's my relationship and I'll refer to it and define it how I want to. We're both in our 50s so boy/girlfriend is absolutely inappropriate. And it winds up a certain kind of MNer who I think deserves to be irate.

Yeah men will stick their dick in anything, how many are clamouring to propose?

@PurpleButterflyWings i said about the woman with all the husbands because I did think she was brilliant forgoing against the grain especially in the era she grew up and living life her way. I do think that the idea of one everlasting love does a lot of damage and sets people up for huge falls. The woman I mentioned didn’t have bad things to say about (most!) of the husbands, in fact she had great stories about them, some divorced, some died but she was able to keep living and loving her life with her fond memories without the utter devastation and having her life utterly destroyed by the ending of her relationships. I really admire that. I have seen how a break up can destroy people because of the blind belief that that was it forever. Blindesided and it happens all the time.

The idea we are fed we have one great love makes it ten fold more awful if something goes wrong instead of being able to see that ok, there was always a chance it could go wrong and there will be a chance for more happiness. I also believe it keeps people in unhappy relationships chasing something that is dead in the water, putting up with crap because of this desperation to hold onto this forever bullshit.

Nothing against it working out forever if that’s what happens naturally with no pressure from this ideal. That’s absolutely great, but I truly believe this is a rarity.

For me personally I’m happy single, wouldnt rule out being with someone long term and if it was forever fine, but am under no illusions that anything is guaranteed. That feels hell of a lot more healthy to me than hedging my bets on some soulmate that probably will never happen.

None, I hope. Why would I want to marry?

If you believe the first to be true, why on earth would you want the second anyway?
You can't have it both ways. Either men are indiscriminate animals only interested in sex, or they're prizes to be won and retained through marriage.

Like women, all men are different. Some might be worth settling down with, others just for a bit of fun, and different people may want different things at different times in their lives.

So I think you can have it both ways in that sense.

You can't have it both ways. Either men are indiscriminate animals only interested in sex, or they're prizes to be won and retained through marriage.

Ah but you see they are indiscriminate animals who can be tamed only by the love of a good woman, who will hold out the prospect of sex, but only once he has married her. Men just like the chase and it's just unnatural for women just to want a good shag now and again, without wanting to marry first. It is 1952 after all. Would you like to meet our new queen?