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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

323 replies

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 19:27

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

OP posts:
halfsiesonapotnoodle · 07/01/2023 22:39

I do generally agree, actually, op. I think people will have a knee jerk reaction to what you're saying but I think we're so compromised by being with someone for years and years and don't realise how much we can subconsciously morph into a watered-down, over- dependent-on-our-partner version of ourselves.

Pottyaboutplants · 07/01/2023 22:41

I agree with you OP. Because we get together as we've been conditioned to think we are incomplete by ourselves, we spend years looking for 'the one'. Of course there isn't any such thing.

I think it depends a lot on the age people get together. E.g. people who meet in their 20s/30s are very different people when they are in their 40s//50s. The likelihood is they are stuck together through shared finances and kids.

As humans are for the most part, pack animals, It can seem daunting to start again in our 50s but the reality is we would choose probably choose different people if we did.

I remember dating a man who thought as you do in your OP. I was in my early 30s and he was 50. My biological clock was ticking and he wasn't looking for a 'happily ever partner'. I felt cheated in a way that I had been 'strung along' but of course we were simply on very different paths. Now I am nearing 50 and can completely understand where he was coming from.

I think if we changed partners or realised we were much happier on our own, life would be either more exciting or more peaceful but kids/finances/security of our homes make this very difficult practically and as we age, we become more more reliant on practical support and helping each other through the hurdles of ill health. Affordable retirement villages are the answer imo.

SmileyClare · 07/01/2023 22:42

Most people don’t “date to settle down” as in they don’t go on dates measuring up whether the bloke opposite them is going to commit to a mortgage, marriage and old age together in comfy matching slippers.

Most people date to find out if they’re compatible and go from there don’t they?
Establishing if they could try out a relationship together, if it’s just sex or to suss out if the guy’s a lunatic.

Id run for the door if I was grilled on a date about my intentions or a ten year life plan was mentioned.

Some of your views on dating are commonly held, mainstream views.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 22:43

Sorry I haven't read the thread so I might be repeating this.

If anyone watched that Planet Sex programme with Cara Delevingne, one of the tests she had was to see if she was set up for nesting i.e. a very long term relationship and it turned out she wasn't.

I think I would be the same. I've never had a relationship last longer than four years. I have no idea how people stay together for life. It feels very alien to me.

Aquarius1234 · 07/01/2023 22:43

I see or observe so many middle aged couples that have been married 30 to 40 years.
They seem to incompatible and having issues. Like 60/ 40. Or less.

Aquarius1234 · 07/01/2023 22:44

Arguing stress not having enough in common etc different personalities.
Compromising too much.

You think wow you suit a direct type of partner but oh well...

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 22:44

Also, human beings are not mammals that mate for life on the first place.

Pottyaboutplants · 07/01/2023 22:46

I have no idea how people stay together for life. It feels very alien to me.

People compromise so much that their 25 year old self would not recognise them. It is very sad really. I say that as someone who compromises every single day.

FunnysInLaJardin · 07/01/2023 22:47

35 years on and we are still very happy, our relationship has got better and better over the years. 2 lovely DC, and a great home life. Can't do that in 10 years

MissingMoominMamma · 07/01/2023 22:48

26 years and love one another very much. DH is my best friend. I have lots of other friends too, so perhaps that’s what’s missing for some other people? Expecting one person to be everything in your life is a lot to ask.

Aquarius1234 · 07/01/2023 22:48

Those that compromise a lot. Eg all the cooking and cleaning..
Do they do it cos they think they have found the 'one' other than the cleaning stuff..
Or they don't want to be alone at 65. 2nd marriage etc or 1st marriage at 40.

Fandabadobie · 07/01/2023 22:51

I agree. I get bored pretty quickly but I would rather be alone

Mamadothehump · 07/01/2023 22:51

23 years and 3 children in and we are doing alright (ie very happy). I'm 41

HRTQueen · 07/01/2023 22:51

I think there are as many lonely people in relationships as there are who are single

Some couples absolutely do grow together and some stay out of habit. For myself I’m more like you op and I’ve remained close friends with ex partners I just no longer want to be in a relationship with them

many more people are now walking away as there isn’t the stigma of being alone l, though some find it hard to understand that you can be happy and single

MidasWhale · 07/01/2023 22:52

I could think of nothing worse than starting over. Going through the whole dating and learning another person's quirks and habits. Yes dh and I have annoying traits and yes we bug each other at times, but we also have a life invested in each other, we deal with it when the other is annoying because we love them and like them as a person, so we deal with it. I wouldn't put up with some of dhs traits in a new boyfriend of a year, but that's because I have history with dh, and I genuinely want to be around him the majority of the time.

We aren't just married but we are best friends, if something happens it's him I want to go to, this wasn't necessarily the case wren I was younger and we had only been together a couple of years, I was closer to say mum and my best girl friend. But we share a life and neither of us could imagine it another way

SmileyClare · 07/01/2023 22:52

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 22:44

Also, human beings are not mammals that mate for life on the first place.

You can’t disregard humans highly developed emotional intelligence and ability to form societies by breaking this down to animal characteristics.

Obviously human behaviour isn’t based solely on animal urges.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/01/2023 22:53

Just a cursory glance at the Relationships board should put to bed the notion that woman can only have either fulfilling marriages or life as a gloomy spinster. So many women can't leave because of children, lack of support and money - taking time out of the workplace to raise young kids means they'd be pretty much at the bottom of the pile and those who kept one foot in the door are struggling to keep up with job and home demands let alone childcare costs. A lasting relationship requires a degree of selflessness and compromise that it's okay to just admit you don't have and don't want to have.

JudgeRudy · 07/01/2023 22:55

Well were all gonna get old aren't we whether we're single, in a good relationship, in a bad relationship or in a just starting out relationship. There's no difference just because you're old.
I think OP was suggesting that we shouldn't stop in a relationship just for the sake of it and shouldn't view it as failure if were single or had 10 husbands/wives.
Becoming g incompatible isn't just about judgement, there's a huge amount of luck/fate involved.

Aquarius1234 · 07/01/2023 22:55

Mamadothehump · 07/01/2023 22:51

23 years and 3 children in and we are doing alright (ie very happy). I'm 41

You found the' one ' young.

ZiriForEver · 07/01/2023 22:55

I agree that being ok being single is a good thing, and that managing so would make people less afraid of ending a relationship which just doesn't work.

In the same time, I'd day those who are more "emotionally healthy" are better in evolving healthy relationships if they see it worthy.

stargirl1701 · 07/01/2023 22:58

I can see where you're coming from, and a long time ago I might have agreed with you. But now I see that yes, irks and annoyances come along, but the relationship grows around them much as a tree will grow around an obstacle. As long as the two people are compatible and there no abuse and plenty of respect, the tree that has grown for decades, albeit around obstacles, is a lot stronger and richer than a younger sapling that has yet to meet an obstacle.

I agree with @HappyAsASandboy

I understand the desire to have that initial rush over and over again but it doesn't really compare to really knowing someone.

I think you are looking for perfect, OP. It doesn't exist.

legendyna · 07/01/2023 22:59

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 22:44

Also, human beings are not mammals that mate for life on the first place.

Is this even true? Mammals/birds do this yet it's inconceivable for a human. Maybe what you mean is it's unnatural to partner for life with a modern life expectancy of 80 years.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 23:02

SmileyClare · 07/01/2023 22:52

You can’t disregard humans highly developed emotional intelligence and ability to form societies by breaking this down to animal characteristics.

Obviously human behaviour isn’t based solely on animal urges.

Show quote history

And equally, you can't ignore the fact that we simply aren't built that way so it's unrealistic to expect every human being to have a lifelong 'soul mate'. We look for investing fathers for our children's sake, but they aren't babies for decades.

Some of us don't even necessarily want a lifelong relationship. I don't want one. I've had a big love of my life in my teens, my twenties, and my thirties. I'm good friends with all three of them but I'd rather cut my own hand off than that still be dating one of them.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 23:04

stargirl1701 · 07/01/2023 22:58

I can see where you're coming from, and a long time ago I might have agreed with you. But now I see that yes, irks and annoyances come along, but the relationship grows around them much as a tree will grow around an obstacle. As long as the two people are compatible and there no abuse and plenty of respect, the tree that has grown for decades, albeit around obstacles, is a lot stronger and richer than a younger sapling that has yet to meet an obstacle.

I agree with @HappyAsASandboy

I understand the desire to have that initial rush over and over again but it doesn't really compare to really knowing someone.

I think you are looking for perfect, OP. It doesn't exist.

Can't say I'm interested in that initial rush tbh. I prefer to be single. Occasionally I might want company but I'm not one for headiness and adrenaline. Well, maybe on occasion xD

OP posts:
LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/01/2023 23:04

legendyna · 07/01/2023 22:59

Is this even true? Mammals/birds do this yet it's inconceivable for a human. Maybe what you mean is it's unnatural to partner for life with a modern life expectancy of 80 years.

Show quote history

According to neuroscience, yes. We are not naturally monogamous.

If we were, everyone would think Romeo and Juliet was a perfectly sensible documentary.