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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

323 replies

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 19:27

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 07/01/2023 22:07

It sounds like you're trying to find a theory as to why you haven't ever met 'your' person and might never do so. Relationships come and go, and people do change over time but that's not a case to suggest that long term relationships just shouldn't exist.

Mirabai · 07/01/2023 22:09

FawnFrenchieMum · 07/01/2023 21:41

Out of interest do you also change your friends every few years? I have friends from primary school (we’ve most definitely changed since then!) but still have the best time together, other friends I meet at 20, they started as a work colleague but now we are still really close years later.

You didn’t ask me but I will comment. 3 of my oldest friends I’ve had from childhood, 2 from prep school (3 in fact but one died recently). I have binned 3 or 4 close friends over the years when I outgrew them, and I replaced them with new ones I had more in common with.

If I’d had to live with them, I don’t think I’d still be friends with any of them!

dollymixtured · 07/01/2023 22:10

It sounds like you are quite self centred and perhaps rather selfish, whilst that isn't necessarily a negative trait it's likely that it leads to conflict in relationships, hence them all having a short sell by date. You have also demonstrably not met someone who you love and are compatible with and of course you may never do that but that doesn't mean that that is the situation for everyone else.

Mirabai · 07/01/2023 22:11

My best friend is from primary,we've always just 'got' eachother. But I doubt we'd still be friends if we had lived together all that time haha.

Exactly.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 22:13

ReiRay · 07/01/2023 22:05

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down'

I really don't understand the mindset YOU have of dating to 'lash them in x amount of years to tick a box"

Where did I say anything about ticking a box?

Is a relationship automatically less meaningful if it lasted 3 years instead of 30? Maybe those were a great 3 years and you remained friends. Maybe the 30 year relationship involved cheating, lying and general misery and dysfunction xD

Just because I can enjoy my time with someone for whatever it is and walk away when it goes south doesn't mean I'm dating to tick a box. Or that my relationships aren't meaningful.

OP posts:
WelliesandWine88 · 07/01/2023 22:14

Will have to disagree....15 years in now, started dating at 19, still very happy and in love.. couldn't imagine them not in my life..
Also my parents are married 35 years, together 40...and very much in love...they are my relationship idols tbh

Mirabai · 07/01/2023 22:15

VladmirsPoutine · 07/01/2023 22:07

It sounds like you're trying to find a theory as to why you haven't ever met 'your' person and might never do so. Relationships come and go, and people do change over time but that's not a case to suggest that long term relationships just shouldn't exist.

Or rather she doesn’t subscribe to the “your person” theory.

As 40% of marriages end in divorce a significant amount of people who believed in ”your person” turned out to be wrong.

Woodenheart33 · 07/01/2023 22:17

Not unreasonable for you. I've been with my husband 27 years and he doesn't irk me, we've grown together. We have fun together and laugh every day. We support each other and love each other. But that's us.

Rushingfool · 07/01/2023 22:19

I think society has built a certain set of rules/codes by which to live. Not sure exactly why or when this happened but certainly in Britain, the ideal appears to be for two individuals to get married and stay married for life. In some other countries and/or religions, a man can marry more than one woman. But let's stick with the two individuals for life thing for now. It certainly gets the old romantic dreams going, and makes a fortune for the film industry and Mills and Boon writers, not to mention wedding planners and outfitters. But where did it start? When did couples start to 'get married', and why? Any social historians on here?

I think it suits some personalities but not others, but we are all conditioned to hope for it, and therefore we often get very distressed when it doesn't work out for us. Not sure if that's a good thing.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 22:20

dollymixtured · 07/01/2023 22:10

It sounds like you are quite self centred and perhaps rather selfish, whilst that isn't necessarily a negative trait it's likely that it leads to conflict in relationships, hence them all having a short sell by date. You have also demonstrably not met someone who you love and are compatible with and of course you may never do that but that doesn't mean that that is the situation for everyone else.

I could understand why it sounds that way.

I wouldn't say I'm selfish. But I definately value independence and self preservation. Lessons learned throughout life really: value you and put your own wellbeing first. I wish all women would do that. At least, unless they have kids.

I love lots of people. But I also respect myself enough to walk away when it's time.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 07/01/2023 22:22

Mirabai · 07/01/2023 22:15

Or rather she doesn’t subscribe to the “your person” theory.

As 40% of marriages end in divorce a significant amount of people who believed in ”your person” turned out to be wrong.

Show quote history

I see but the OP's claim was rather bold in that after a mandated 10 years it's time to pack up and ship out. I also don't think every long relationship is one based on happiness - it wasn't too long ago that women could actually have access to basic things without a husband in tow to sign permission for her. But it does sound that the OP is looking to theorise her personal experience. It's really okay to just say you tried but never really found love.

Notateacheranymore · 07/01/2023 22:23

User0610134057 · 07/01/2023 20:40

What happens when you’re old and decrepit?

I get asked this a lot as DH and I (married 24 1/2 years, together 4 1/2 before that) have chosen not to have children.

There is still a huge assumption in this country - especially for those that haven’t really had to think about it - that family will be there to look after them in old age, but with increased migration - even within home countries - this no longer works.

I watched my mum and her siblings try very very hard to help their dad look after their mum from when I was about 10 until they realised that her needs could no longer be met and she was moved to a home. The guilt that my grandad went through was heartbreaking.

My answer to the above question is always “the same people that look after those elderly persons whose family visit (or don’t) except I might have a better room or standard of living because I’ve not had to spend so much money on children”

And then I get called selfish for looking after us.

But I am still very much in love with my husband. Just as my mum was with my dad until the day she died (3w before their silver wedding) and just as my FIL was with my MIL until the day he died (1 year and 3 months before their golden wedding).

Different strokes for different folks and I think seeing good modelling has a lot to contribute.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 22:23

Mirabai · 07/01/2023 22:15

Or rather she doesn’t subscribe to the “your person” theory.

As 40% of marriages end in divorce a significant amount of people who believed in ”your person” turned out to be wrong.

Show quote history

Yeah i mean...I'm my person (there's no way to say that without sounding like a dick but there it is haha).

Of course there are and can be other persons. But I don't belive they are necessarily perminant features in our lives. And I don't see that as a bad thing.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 07/01/2023 22:24

neverbeenskiing · 07/01/2023 22:00

If the idea of making a long term commitment to someone isn't for you, that's perfectly reasonable. You don't have to justify your choices by convincing yourself that couples who have been together for decades must not be "emotionally healthy". People just need to stop judging each others lifestyle choices.

It's fine to want to stay single, it's fine to want to find your 'forever person', it's fine to want a relationship but not to want long-term commitment, it's fine to want a family and it's fine to want to remain childfree. If everyone just accepted that, and there was no judgement or expectation, then no one would feel the need to over-analyse why others may have chosen a different path to them.

Ooh wise words 🙂

Its also emotionally healthy to remain open minded; be open to the fact that you may re examine your views? they may shift or change.

Boomboom22 · 07/01/2023 22:28

How could your view be emotionally healthy when if we all did it the human race would die out very quickly?

Cosmos123 · 07/01/2023 22:28

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 20:10

Hmm I think my longest was when I was young and it was 7 years.

Im just giving 10 as a rough estimate. Tbh it could be 5 or 20. But I believe that 99% of relationships from our 20s-50s have or should have an expiration date before you die. (Assuming death of old age).

I think many people just stay in things out of fear of being alone.

Oh and no I haven't posted this before.
And no I don't want kids. Which I guess makes it easier for me to call it a day when things no longer work I guess.

I think you are in the minority.

What a weird concept to have an expiry date.

Yes, relationships fail which is sad but most people don't exchange as they would a car.

Maybe one day you will meet someone op who you want to be your soul mate forever.

SMabbutt · 07/01/2023 22:29

All relationships change. Relationships with parents, children, friends etc. It doesn't mean they automatically have an expiration date. I honestly think many people think that if you don't feel in love the marriage is over but love is more than a feeling. It's commitment and willingness to work at the relationship. I've been married nearly 38 years and sometimes it's been exciting and fun, sometimes just felt comfortable and safe, and sometimes it's felt a bit dull or even frustrating. We could have decided the marriage had run it's course when we went through a rough patch and the feelings didn't seem to be there, but we made a commitment and every time that promise to love and look to work to support each other has got us through.

I'm not so blinkered that I believe every marriage will make it or that there aren't times when for everyone's sake the relationship should end. No-one should stay in an abusive relationship for example. But there is such a thing as a self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe your relationships are only going to be for a certain time you're probably going to be more likely to likely to give up when things get tough or boring, even though it might be possible to work through it. I wouldn't assume a relationship with my parents or dc was only for a period so why would I assume that for my partner?

Boomboom22 · 07/01/2023 22:29

Also in emotionally healthy relationships people grow together and support each other, they don't always go in different directions and irk each other!

Mountainpika · 07/01/2023 22:30

We've been together since 1971. Two adult children now, 2 grandchildren. And still very content together. Never had a moments doubt that we are right for each other. Never a moment's regret.
Although I did tell him the other day that he's still on probabtion and I'll review the situation in 10 years' time.
I do know, though, that we're very fortunate.

Boomboom22 · 07/01/2023 22:31

Maybe you see sexual partners like friends. Other people see them as family, next of kin. Did you also get bored of your mum / sister and find them irksome? Trying to get the point.

Aquarius1234 · 07/01/2023 22:32

I agree I don't get the attitudes of some couples that never consider they may split up ever.
Yet others are more realistic.
Insecurity of those that do everything to keep together. And control massively.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 07/01/2023 22:32

Pre meeting dh I’d have agreed but then I met him and within 4 months I knew I wanted to grow old with him. I chose him every day. I’ll tolerate his annoying habits over anyone else’s.

Fairislefandango · 07/01/2023 22:37

But I just think we'd all be a lot more emotionally healthy if we approached life happily single and whatever will be will be.

How odd that you feel qualified to make sweeping statements about what would make us all more emotionally healthy. Having a long series of temporary relationships certainly wouldn't make me feel 'emotionally healthy'. I've been happily married for 20 years. I could also have been happy single. I think your set-up sounds like the worst of both worlds tbh!

AngelinaFibres · 07/01/2023 22:37

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 07/01/2023 19:56

We're 22 yrs in and still happy so I would have to disagree with you.

This.
Second marriage. I was divorced, husband a widower. He is brilliant and I hope we have so many years still to enjoy.
I had the same hopes and intentions for my first marriage. I married for life. My exhusband had an affair and left me.
Carol Vorderman talks about relationships being chapters. Works for her. Not my thing.

LizzieSiddal · 07/01/2023 22:37

If that suits you @Pinkbonbon then crack on but it doesn’t suit everyone. I love the fact dh and I have so much shared history. Two adult children, graduations, wedding, one grandchild. We can get together as one family and I’m always so thankful for that. Mind you I come from a very messy broken family, and absolutely detested any family occasion where my mum, step mum, dad and various step grandmas were in attendance. Absolutely hated it!