To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

[Pinkbonbon]

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

I don’t ‘need’ my DH in my life, I want him in it and prefer to have him in it. We’ve been together for 24 years and there have been times that we got on each others nerves and were very different but we carried on (because we still like being together and also have kids) and now we’re better than ever. I can’t imagine that after 24 years of close proximity there are many people who I could happily sit and listen to and be genuinely interested in what they’re saying.

I guess what I’m saying is that if you view t elation ships as as temporary it will become a self fulfilling prophecy because you’ll walk away when things get hard.

I don't think about the out. But I recognise theree will likely be one.

I don't go looking for happily ever after with someone I may meet. Not because I don't believe in their existence but because I believe that's setting yourself up for heartache and frustration. When instead you could enjoy things fir what they are for however long you are happy in them.

I agree obviously if the relationship was working and no problems it should carry on past 10years, but I've watched my mum and dad who have been together 40years they have always worked so well together until my dad retired. It's now so painfully obviously how unhappy they both are, they are so different. I can't see anything changing and I don't know how I feel about that. They are so unhappy my dad more so 😔

I agree that single people can and should be happy rather than feeling incomplete without out a permanent life partner.

Most people don’t set out to find permanence in other people. They have fun socialising and dating, enjoy sexual relationships and may or may not decide to stay together.

What are you basing your views on? Do you know a lot of miserable couples who are staying together? Your parents?

1 in 3 marriages end in divorce nowadays which indicates most couples separate should the relationship break down.

I think most people enter a relationship fully aware that it may not last the course of their life time.

”Until death do us part” is not a vow that people adhere to in modern society if it forsakes their own happiness or well being.

I actually think you sound rather intolerant of other people. I love many friends and my dh despite their foibles or character quirks.
I can’t think of any friends I’ve cut off because “they’ve annoyed the shit out of me”

I also think it’s unusual to remain childless because you don’t want to be tied to anyone.

You’re entitled to your views.

I just get the impression that you think your views are superior and demonstrate a higher emotional intelligence?
They don’t

Good on her! Sounds like she had a fun life!

Kinda hope he was a a spritely 70 year old xD

Literally fell in love overnight, married 6 months later. that was 40yrs ago

Whilst I can see some truth in what you’re staying. I do know a lot of people that are still together because it’s easy or because of the kids etc, DH & I have been together just over 20 years, married for 18. We’ve had our ups and downs but honestly, he’s still my best friend, we still love each others company, still find each other attractive. Our kids are now teens and we’re starting to get our own time back now and I’m loving being able to go out for the day just the two of us, book ad hoc nights away. Our first child free holiday for my special birthday this year and I’m genuinely excited to spend a week together alone.

Speak for yourself.

DH and I... 16 years going strong and he still makes me smile. Now he makes DD & DS smile too and we are all happy.

we've been together 44 years. I think you have quite a sad outlook op.

To be honest your the one that sounds uptight and like you’re living in fear. You’ve gave this too much thought. How about just go with the flow rather than mentally giving it an expiration date. The second mindset is much healthier. Nothing is guaranteed in life so if you live by the day and appreciate what you have then who knows how long things may last?

Ive been with my husband forever. Newsflash - We’re still happy so see no reason to l
move on!

What a load of drivel.

A lot of people prefer to feel settled, rooted. To grow together.

In the same way i love my home and i have no desire to move around a lot, DH is "home".

My DH is my forever person because he is my best friend. I wouldn't be without my best friend.
I agree most couples are not really long term compatible, and holding on to the relationship is a recipe for misery.
You really need to be friends with your partner to last through until old age happily.

I don't think your approach is wrong, you should do what makes you happy.

I think a lot of people do stay in relationships that they aren't really enjoying, but I think - does that matter. Is the relationship you are in the most important thing in life? I'd say no. There are so many other aspects. Life is about compromises and for many of us, we don't mind being in a less than perfect relationship in exchange for companionship, help and children.

My DH and I don't swing from chandeliers but would I give that up in exchange for the moral satisfaction of knowing I'm not afraid to be alone, or the "fun" of dating at 50+, personally no.

Out of interest do you also change your friends every few years? I have friends from primary school (we’ve most definitely changed since then!) but still have the best time together, other friends I meet at 20, they started as a work colleague but now we are still really close years later.

That's not the reason I'm childfree. But it is a factor.

I'm sorry if I come across holier than thou, but I guess it's because I'm sick of seeing so many women on here tearing their hearts out because their with some bellend thats driving them up the wall. And yet they thought he was their forever or they 'love' him - so they can't leave. Or they are staying for the kids.

Where as if we all approached dating thinking of finding a man as some nice, but ultimately temporary company and if we told ourselves that we, ourselves were enough - maybe more of us would be in a healthy, happy place.

My best friend is from primary,we've always just 'got' eachother. But I doubt we'd still be friends if we had lived together all that time haha.

The rest just ebb and flow as all relationships do. Sometimes we're close sometimes we're busy. No dramatic fall outs or bs.

one of the best people I’ve met is a 98 year old on the lookout for her 7th husband

It sounds like she’s being tongue in cheek, putting a humorous spin on things.

I have an idea that some habitual divorcees (as in multiple marriages) are in fact hopeless romantics, with a completely unrealistic fantasy of what life in a long term partnership looks like.

Nothing therefore lives up to their ideal.

Of course I don’t know that dear old ladyShe could have bumped off her six husbands for the money 😂

It depends on how you see your partner. I guess when I met my now DH at 18, I wasn't looking to date him to spice up my life but to enrich it. We have seperate hobbies, social lives and don't live in each other's pockets but we love and respect one another. We're there to support one another when shit hits the fan and that isn't really something you're going to get from someone that is in your life to add a little spice.

In the end, I think for me it's about having someone with similar desires when it comes to the big stuff. We both wanted to travel, buy a house, marriage, kids etc despite being quite different people.

We're 14 years in now and we've grown and changed over time but the love remains. I think our relationship is strengthened by the factor we are both independent souls that CHOOSE to be together rather than need to be together. I'm excited for the future.

How old are you OP?
It sounds as though you haven't found your person.
My parents have been married 40 odd years, in laws 39 years, my grandparents 64 years before my grandad died. They are happy in their marriages and from and outsider have healthy relationships.
I've definitely met my person, I've known him since we were 12 and I knew then I wanted to grow old with him.
Been together since we were 14 and now we're 20 years on! We were part of separate friendship groups as teenagers and I felt that helped with our relationship.
Were definitely not the same people we were when we were young teenagers! But we have grew up together, had/have adventures together! Looking forward to go through the rest of our lives together and hope we have good health to do this.
Yes we have ups and downs but who doesn't?

If the idea of making a long term commitment to someone isn't for you, that's perfectly reasonable. You don't have to justify your choices by convincing yourself that couples who have been together for decades must not be "emotionally healthy". People just need to stop judging each others lifestyle choices.

It's fine to want to stay single, it's fine to want to find your 'forever person', it's fine to want a relationship but not to want long-term commitment, it's fine to want a family and it's fine to want to remain childfree. If everyone just accepted that, and there was no judgement or expectation, then no one would feel the need to over-analyse why others may have chosen a different path to them.

Been together 32, almost 33 years (since we were 18/19) and married 28 (since we were both 24). There have been ups and downs but basically things have got better, more settled, more loving, as every year has gone by. We are even still "in love" a bit, getting a wee thrill when we see each other after some days away (dh works on call shifts). We have 3 dc who are 23, 21 and 19 and are certainly not staying together simply for them. Though when things were occasionally tense with the overwhelm of young parenthood and career progression that was a factor. I'm now disabled at 52 (and retraining in a field that I can physically work in) and dh is my rock.

I think it's very sad to look at a relationship and think "I give it 10 years". I like to think of us like the fairy tale of the red and white briar roses, who grew along the ground until they met and then grew towards the sky when they met and had each other to hold on to.

But maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic.

I agree with you OP. If I were in a relationship that I never wanted to end I’d stay in it but I haven’t thus far.

3 of my best friends are divorced. They all got married for life but they were wrong. I think the whole divorce experience would have been less painful for them if they had been less invested in forever.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down'

I really don't understand the mindset YOU have of dating to 'lash them in x amount of years to tick a box"