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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

323 replies

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 19:27

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

OP posts:
FromTheFront2theBack · 07/01/2023 20:14

I'm 20 years in and happier than ever. Noone should feel stuck in a relationship that isn't happy but no way would I leave a happy one. Lucky for me too because being in a relationship suits me but I'd hate dating now.

jtaeapa · 07/01/2023 20:15

What about kids? You don’t split up without serious problems if there are kids involved. It’s even upsetting for adults if their parents divorce. The family is an anchor. Mental health is often better when this anchor is solid.

x2boys · 07/01/2023 20:16

Well I have been with my dh18 years yeah we have our ups and downs but I don't want to sp!it up and neither does he ,some relationships won't last forever but you don't speak for everyone, I'm nearly 50 I don't want to go back to.dating
my parents have been together for over 50 years my Dad is basically my mum's carer now but I have seen the huge amount of love they have for each other .

JamSandle · 07/01/2023 20:17

They last as long as they last.

Perhaps a lifetime, perhaps a season.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 20:19

Oh gosh yes dating is awful xD so I understand not wanting to date again. But then when I'm single I'm perfectly happy so maybe I just don't understand the need to find someone absolutely perminant. I mean im not saying those things are nice when they happen but...I'd hazard a guess that most people together for a long time are just together because they don't want to be alone. Most, not all. There are some lovely stories on this thread where people are together a long time and happy.

But I really wouldn't set out looking for that level of perminance, if that makes sense. I think that's a recipe for heartache.

OP posts:
Haribo16 · 07/01/2023 20:19

@HappyAsASandboy really rather like that analogy and completely agree!

FromTheFront2theBack · 07/01/2023 20:20

It's fine if you prefer not to stay on relationships op but it betrays a real insecurity, lack of imagination or empathy to imagine people who are different aren't 'emotionally healthy'. I have friends who, unlike me, are happier single. I have others who have been through lots of relationships. I don't think this is a symptom of either of us being more or less emotionally healthy. Just different personalities and situations.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 20:22

jtaeapa · 07/01/2023 20:15

What about kids? You don’t split up without serious problems if there are kids involved. It’s even upsetting for adults if their parents divorce. The family is an anchor. Mental health is often better when this anchor is solid.

That's why I mentioned 'some people have kids'.

Personally I wouldn't have them in part for that very reason. I don't think it's a good idea to tie yourself forever to someone via another being.

But then tbf, plenty of families split up and the kids are fine tbf. Still a shame to have to though.

OP posts:
gemloving · 07/01/2023 20:25

I would just say that you haven't found the right person yet or you just want to switch partners every few years which is absolutely fine, you do you right?

My husband is my prefect match, I cannot imagine being with anyone else and we met at 21, we grow together, we're happy.

DonutsAreNotLunch · 07/01/2023 20:25

I agree to a point, it seems like some people do find someone that they can live with for the rest of their lives and be happy which is great. But having spent 16 years in a relationship that was deeply unhappy for at least 7 years because we were completely different people to who we were when we me,t I wish it was possible for someone to just say ‘sorry I don’t feel same now’ and leave without all the guilt tripping and societal pressure to stay together.

I don’t think I would ever pledge undying love to anyone now and I certainly would never get married because I know how much feelings can change, even if that’s not your intention.

ApplePippa · 07/01/2023 20:26

HappyAsASandboy · 07/01/2023 20:00

I can see where you're coming from, and a long time ago I might have agreed with you. But now I see that yes, irks and annoyances come along, but the relationship grows around them much as a tree will grow around an obstacle. As long as the two people are compatible and there no abuse and plenty of respect, the tree that has grown for decades, albeit around obstacles, is a lot stronger and richer than a younger sapling that has yet to meet an obstacle.

Yes, I love this analogy too.

DH and I have been together 26 years. Yes, we have both changed since we first met as young idealistic students, but we have grown together.

Together we have been though infertility, having our only child diagnosed with autism, financial ups and downs, bereavement, and a host of other things. Just five minutes ago he made me laugh. The love and respect I feel for him now is so much deeper than the "in love" feelings I had when we first met.

JudgeRudy · 07/01/2023 20:27

I kind of get where you're coming from OP. I also dislike the phrase 'failed relationship'. If you had a job for 7 years, worked hard, got payed fairly but never got promoted no-one would think anything of you applying for another job or totally career changing. It's not normal now to be with the same company for more than a few years let alone the exact same job....except sometimes its not even the same job- same job title but different KPIs, new open plan office, numerous virtual meetings...you would say "Wow, 5 jobs! What a shame they were all bad ones. Hopefully you've chosen well this time and things work out"
Of course bringing children into the mix changes things and I think it's fair to say that unless it's horrendous you'll see it through.
What would you suggest OP. I like the Pagan/Druid idea of signing up for a year and a day and renewing annually.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 20:28

FromTheFront2theBack · 07/01/2023 20:20

It's fine if you prefer not to stay on relationships op but it betrays a real insecurity, lack of imagination or empathy to imagine people who are different aren't 'emotionally healthy'. I have friends who, unlike me, are happier single. I have others who have been through lots of relationships. I don't think this is a symptom of either of us being more or less emotionally healthy. Just different personalities and situations.

I didn't say people who are different. I said people who are in relationships where they have grown apart, where there are irks and contempt has set in.

OP posts:
Whatyagonnadokatie · 07/01/2023 20:28

Nah. We’re 20 years in and I love my husband more now than I did then.

no way would I want anyone else

DonutsAreNotLunch · 07/01/2023 20:30

Ad far as kids go I feel that if individuals expectations of relationship lasting forever were lower then separation would probably have less negative impact on kids. In most cases, mine included, it’s bitterness and resentment between the parents that makes separation hard for kids. Maybe if people didn’t feel they were owed a life long commitment no matter the cost to the other partner then it would be easier to separate on good terms.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 20:30

gemloving · 07/01/2023 20:25

I would just say that you haven't found the right person yet or you just want to switch partners every few years which is absolutely fine, you do you right?

My husband is my prefect match, I cannot imagine being with anyone else and we met at 21, we grow together, we're happy.

Gosh no. I prefer to be single. I'm definately not a relationship jumper lol. But I've always found a few years with any one person to be enough lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 20:32

JudgeRudy · 07/01/2023 20:27

I kind of get where you're coming from OP. I also dislike the phrase 'failed relationship'. If you had a job for 7 years, worked hard, got payed fairly but never got promoted no-one would think anything of you applying for another job or totally career changing. It's not normal now to be with the same company for more than a few years let alone the exact same job....except sometimes its not even the same job- same job title but different KPIs, new open plan office, numerous virtual meetings...you would say "Wow, 5 jobs! What a shame they were all bad ones. Hopefully you've chosen well this time and things work out"
Of course bringing children into the mix changes things and I think it's fair to say that unless it's horrendous you'll see it through.
What would you suggest OP. I like the Pagan/Druid idea of signing up for a year and a day and renewing annually.

Exactly!

7 years relationship sounds like ìt was a good innings to me. Even better if you parted on good terms.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 07/01/2023 20:33

Everyones different. It sounds as though you prefer solitude- a bit of a lone wolf type person.
You view relationships as a means to meet your needs and are happy to dispense of that person should you change your preferences.

Thats fine and you own that.

However labelling people wanting to stay with a life partner as not “emotionally healthy” just sounds obnoxious 😬

jezlifecoach · 07/01/2023 20:35

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years now since we were 19. I love the fact that we’ve got through uni together, both had shit jobs, watched each other grow, supported each other at our lowest points.

I honestly couldn’t be bothered having to meet someone new.

you do do - I don’t understand your mindset!

HelloBunny · 07/01/2023 20:37

I feel the same way. But I’m married. Ten years is enough. I don’t want to grow old with him. Or anyone! It’s only now that I can see my mum & aunties, all married almost 50 years, are only tolerating their husbands...

I don’t believe in soul mates or other halves. Maybe for others, but not for me. I chose love, but I can just as easily live without. Divorce is not common where I live, even for my generation. It’s still a cultural taboo. But that wouldn’t stop me!

Emmamoo89 · 07/01/2023 20:37

Disagree with you

museumum · 07/01/2023 20:38

I’m 45 which is no way too old to date but I’m in no rush to trade dh in for a new one. I’ll happily admit our relationship is not particularly exciting after 16/17 years. Sometimes I miss the excitement of the first 5 years or so but ultimately I’d trade excitement for deep knowing and understanding of each other any day.

HelloBunny · 07/01/2023 20:38

I deffo wouldn’t want someone new, either. Had plenty of boyfriends before DH. I’d like it to just be me in the future, in my own space.

User0610134057 · 07/01/2023 20:40

What happens when you’re old and decrepit?

Busybutbored · 07/01/2023 20:40

I actually agree with you. Only have to look at my friends and family, and threads on here to see many people are with their partners because of the kids, for financial reasons or fear of being alone.
Also some people like change and others don't, some people stay in the same town or job forever and are happy with that, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I do wonder if money wasn't an issue how many people would stay in their relationships.
It would be lovely to find your forever person, and be truly happy forever, but I don't think that's true for most.