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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why some men stay single?

258 replies

Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:02

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit. I was stood in the queue at Pret when I bumped into an old ‘ex’ of sorts. I was 18 when I met him at Uni, he was a 24 year old postgrad, played rugby, absolutely to die for. We had a very intense ‘friends with benefits’ situation for years. Didn’t see anyone else, did a lot together and he was just wonderful. I never pursued a relationship because he always gave the impression he didn’t want one. I broke off the arrangement 5 years later, by which time I was head over heels and heartbroken. Messed me up for a while but I later married a lovely uncomplicated man and am very lucky and happy with 2 children.

Fast forward, he’s just as gorgeous, very successful and single. We had a coffee and a nice catch up. He suggested meeting again but I declined and wished him well. Frankly I wouldn’t trust myself and I was amazed at how wildly attracted I was to him, but I guess that’s nostalgia for you.

I am however baffled that he’s never committed to anyone, even for a short time. I’m curious about this. He was raised by a single mother (who was an incredible self made woman who I met a few times and was absolutely in awe of) and had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them. I don’t know what the point of this thread is but I suppose I’m just curious about people who remain single. I don’t think for a moment that ‘coupled up’ people are happier necessarily but he was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 07/01/2023 12:03

I think the better question is why do people get married anymore.

KimberleyClark · 07/01/2023 12:04

Perhaps he is very choosy? Or just happy single like many women?

RampantIvy · 07/01/2023 12:04

I think the better question is why do people get married anymore.

Because they want to?

Xrays · 07/01/2023 12:04

A little cynical of me but are you sure he’s single? He sounds a bit of a player and perhaps he just said that in the hope you’d pick up where you left off…?!

TrentCrimm · 07/01/2023 12:05

Never met anyone who blew their socks off and didn't want to 'settle' I guess.

Original poster
Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:05

True. It’s not so much the marriage part, but the perpetual single element. He was very much a people person, lots of friends (all of which couples up because I asked about them) and I suppose I always imagined he’d end up with someone similar.

OP posts:
FelicityFlops · 07/01/2023 12:05

It is an interesting question.
I have 2 old schoolfriends, both of whom are pleasant looking with solid, professions (engineer and doctor). Neither has married or even been engaged. Neither is gay. I think they just didn't meet the right person at the right time.

Liorae · 07/01/2023 12:06

He didn't meet someone he wanted to commit to, and managed to evade "accidental" pregnancies in his relationships.

Original poster
Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:07

Xrays- I didn’t get that impression. At the time, his housemates were a bit baffled by us because they all used to wonder why we weren’t official given that he didn’t see anyone else. I don’t know. His mum is now very elderly and he bought a house with an annexe that she lives in. Believe me, he isn’t the type you’d imagine to be single forever 😂 just take my word for it 😂

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 07/01/2023 12:07

Because being single is lovely. Especially if you have lots of friends. Maybe he also sleeps around a lot and enjoys that too, who knows.

EmmaEmerald · 07/01/2023 12:09

Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:07

Xrays- I didn’t get that impression. At the time, his housemates were a bit baffled by us because they all used to wonder why we weren’t official given that he didn’t see anyone else. I don’t know. His mum is now very elderly and he bought a house with an annexe that she lives in. Believe me, he isn’t the type you’d imagine to be single forever 😂 just take my word for it 😂

The dashing, handsome types often are single forever?

or maybe he'll marry a 22 year old when he's 90.

Original poster
Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:09

FelicityFlops · 07/01/2023 12:05

It is an interesting question.
I have 2 old schoolfriends, both of whom are pleasant looking with solid, professions (engineer and doctor). Neither has married or even been engaged. Neither is gay. I think they just didn't meet the right person at the right time.

Precisely this. This is exactly the situation you describe.

back in the day, I felt he was monstrously out of my league.

OP posts:
Onebelow · 07/01/2023 12:10

He’s probably just a player who likes the single life and the freedom. He can sleep with whoever he wants, whenever he wants. He can see a different women every day of the week if he chooses. He never wanted to commit to you, he just wanted you as a FWB, and he probably has a string of girls who are FWB. Personally I’d forget about him and ask myself why I went all funny over another man when I’m happily married?

KimberleyClark · 07/01/2023 12:14

EmmaEmerald · 07/01/2023 12:09

The dashing, handsome types often are single forever?

or maybe he'll marry a 22 year old when he's 90.

Show quote history

Yes, the kind of man who could literally have any woman they wanted. Perhaps they don’t commit because they always think someone better will come along.

Original poster
Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:16

Onebelow · 07/01/2023 12:10

He’s probably just a player who likes the single life and the freedom. He can sleep with whoever he wants, whenever he wants. He can see a different women every day of the week if he chooses. He never wanted to commit to you, he just wanted you as a FWB, and he probably has a string of girls who are FWB. Personally I’d forget about him and ask myself why I went all funny over another man when I’m happily married?

All valid points. He didn’t have other ‘fwb’s when we were together though and it was enormously frustrating situation because we were a couple in every sense of the word. I commented that I was surprised he hadn’t been snapped up and he said “the pool dries up after 35”. I can imagine that to be true.

I was partly joking - I am very happy with DH and wouldn’t do (or want) anything to jeopardise that. He has something magnetic about him and just made me feel a bit funny. I’m not suggesting I’d be unfaithful if we did meet again but it wouldn’t be right. That’s all.

OP posts:
mynamesnotMa · 07/01/2023 12:18

Eh because like every single person I know they love it.
Whats not to love.

YouAreNotBatman · 07/01/2023 12:19

KangarooKenny · 07/01/2023 12:03

I think the better question is why do people get married anymore.

Absolutely this!

Not everyone wants to date. And no, there is nothing wrong with that.

Let others leave in peace, I promise you: not everyone wants the ….. marriage, kids life, some people make their own paths.

YouAreNotBatman · 07/01/2023 12:21

Liorae · 07/01/2023 12:06

He didn't meet someone he wanted to commit to, and managed to evade "accidental" pregnancies in his relationships.

This is so old fashioned.

Not everyone wants conventional life.
It has nothing to do with ’finding a person’.

Babycakes6 · 07/01/2023 12:22

To be honest, I wish I stayed single! He is smart! (Although I think males benefit more as woman tend to do more work)

HRTQueen · 07/01/2023 12:22

I think there are many people who don’t want to be on a relationship it’s only now kore people feel they can be honest about this

Men can be fathers and not be in a relationship for women it’s more complicated but we can still do it

I wonder why so many fear being single

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 12:22

If he's always been good looking charming charismatic he may believe that he has no need to settle down and find someone to be a life partner to him because he imagines will still be able to attract young women who will fawn over him and do his bidding when he's an old man?

Orangeba · 07/01/2023 12:22

I'd question why he made you feel like he was massively out of your league? It's not a great quality.

Very good friend of mine wasted 10 years being FWBs and is now struggling to meet someone. He was truly gorgeous and I was slightly taken aback when I met him but within about 5 minutes any attraction fell away. He was clearly ugly on the inside as didn't have to try due to his looks.

Original poster
Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:28

Orangeba · 07/01/2023 12:22

I'd question why he made you feel like he was massively out of your league? It's not a great quality.

Very good friend of mine wasted 10 years being FWBs and is now struggling to meet someone. He was truly gorgeous and I was slightly taken aback when I met him but within about 5 minutes any attraction fell away. He was clearly ugly on the inside as didn't have to try due to his looks.

I was only 18-23 at the time. I wouldn’t feel like that now (I’m 36 now). He was 6 years older and I think on reflection the age gap was too big.

honestly I’m not questioning my marriage over this and plotting to run off with him. I was just surprised I suppose 😂

OP posts:
MavisCruet2023 · 07/01/2023 12:29

.....had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them.....
He probably takes after his father.

I think there's a good percentage of men who would rather not get married but just passively go along with it.
I agree that he's probably shagging a range of women, some of whom are a lot younger than him.
I also agree that he might finally settle down when he's 65, with some 30 year old when he wants someone to take care of him.

Squisageandmosh · 07/01/2023 12:31

Maybe he has mother issues? Or his mother is very dominant in their relationship? I have seen it before. Can’t meet anyone who in his mind matches up to his own mother or she provides all the emotional support he needs or she interferes in any relationships he does have?