To wonder why some men stay single?

[Tandees]

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit. I was stood in the queue at Pret when I bumped into an old ‘ex’ of sorts. I was 18 when I met him at Uni, he was a 24 year old postgrad, played rugby, absolutely to die for. We had a very intense ‘friends with benefits’ situation for years. Didn’t see anyone else, did a lot together and he was just wonderful. I never pursued a relationship because he always gave the impression he didn’t want one. I broke off the arrangement 5 years later, by which time I was head over heels and heartbroken. Messed me up for a while but I later married a lovely uncomplicated man and am very lucky and happy with 2 children.

Fast forward, he’s just as gorgeous, very successful and single. We had a coffee and a nice catch up. He suggested meeting again but I declined and wished him well. Frankly I wouldn’t trust myself and I was amazed at how wildly attracted I was to him, but I guess that’s nostalgia for you.

I am however baffled that he’s never committed to anyone, even for a short time. I’m curious about this. He was raised by a single mother (who was an incredible self made woman who I met a few times and was absolutely in awe of) and had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them. I don’t know what the point of this thread is but I suppose I’m just curious about people who remain single. I don’t think for a moment that ‘coupled up’ people are happier necessarily but he was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.

Well I think health statistics confirm that being lonely in old age is as bad for you as smoking.

All power to everyone on here who prefers a single life - long term marriage is not necessarily an easy option - but being lonely in old age is something else.

Many people are lonely in marriages and relationships but don't feel they can leave, as it's 'too late. ' Alone doesn't automatically equal lonely.

Some of these comments are awful, especially @Soothsayer1 - who hurt you?

@Silverpining
So kind of you to single me out for special attention 🥰🥳

Ah, so you form your views from reading the creme de la crème and totally representative male websites.

for every lunatic posting in these places there are probably hundreds of thousands or ordinary people just going about their lives.

I wonder when this will sink in with people.
Twitter is a cesspit, but it has about 300m members and only about 3m actually tweet the stuff you are reading. It takes a certain personality type to actually be these people and they are rare in comparison to the herd.

when we form our social views based on the amplification of social outliers, we are being deceived.

someone made a comment about how reading Mumsnet would put young men off women for life. There is a truth to that (it verges on being a hate site at times) but you have to quickly remember that the lunatics posting the visceral hatred of “the other” are the tiniest subset imaginable of the group they want you to believe they represent.

I think we need to stop thinking that meeting someone, settling down, buying a house and having children is the ultimate end goal in life, the ultimate achievement, because it’s not. I remember my mother calling me very selfish for saying I would never want children, when I was younger.

You are allowed to be single and childless and have an amazing life for it.

What is odd is that it has never been strange for a small percentage of the population to be single. I forget the percentage in medieval times but it isn’t some modern phenomenon.

There’s a vast difference between being alone and being lonely. I firmly believe that being in the wrong relationship is one of the loneliest places one can be.

Best make sure to marry a young one then. 76% of elderly women are widows. I think a good network of female friends is probably a safer bet to stave off later life isolation than marriage, for women anyway.

@Squisageandmosh

Well I think health statistics confirm that being lonely in old age is as bad for you as smoking.

But that assumes that being in a marriage is the antidote to being lonely. Having been married, I know it can be one of the loneliest places on the planet. Many older single people I know have incredibly active social lives and incredible friend networks. I'd say they are a lot less lonely than people in long, miserable marriages.

@Tandees has he ever met his father? Do they or have they had any contact?

Somewhat odd that people are now talking about how bad being lonely in old age is as a reason not to be single.

Even discounting that being single does not equal being lonely, are we now saying that getting into a relationship you don't want, and potentially maintaining it for 50+ years, also assuming your partner doesn't go and die anyway(!), is better than being elderly and single?

God help us.

When you’re in your twenties are single it’s one thing but I do think it’s different as you get older as others are now married with kids and don’t want others tagging along. You don’t want to end up as the annoying SIL on this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4715288-sil-upset-when-we-dont-invite-her-places?page=1

@ily0 Not all of us are socially inept and tagging along when not wanted. We often have other single friends who want buddies, family members, solo meet-ups with coupled up friends. Sometimes those friends and their partners gasp invite us!

The annoying SIL is 25 so your example doesn't really work. Nice try at discriminating against single people though.

Also I love my married friends and their kids, but believe it or not tagging along on a family holiday might not be every single person’s idea of a good time.

Absolutely… I can’t think of a worse holiday, tbh.

'He was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.'

Wow! So does that mean, in your opinion, that everyone who is single is not all of these things? Because presumably if single people were kind and affectionate, they'd all have been 'snapped up'. You sound lovely! Very balanced opinion...🙄

Same!

My husbands cousin is exactly how you describe, absolutely gorgeous, great job, own home, such a lovely person. He’s never settled down and Ive been told on the grape vine that his parents seperation was really tough if him, his dad cheated on his mum and that this has really affected him. So some level of trauma from the past has prevented him from committing.

Somewhat odd that people are now talking about how bad being lonely in old age is as a reason not to be single

Oh this happens all the time in discussions about people being single. Yeah, but you'll be lonely in old age so best marry someone.

1. It assumes single people are sitting around alone and lonely with no friends or family (this has been implied several times on this thread already)
2. It assumes that a married couple will remain happily married and that they'll both die at the same time! Because if they don't end up dying at the same time, one of them is going to find themselves widowed and alone and possibly lonely.

I think it's impossible to generalise: various individuals (men and women) will choose to remain single or unattached for various reasons.

What's important here is the lesson you've taken from it. You've realised that a relationship of sorts with this kind of man is just torture because for whatever reason he is incapable of giving you what you want and need: a sense of security. People like that, whether through a fault of their own or not, are emotional blackholes that suck others in.

Congratulations for not taking him up on his offer of meeting again. You've been blessed with an uncomplicated DH. Enjoy the sense of security and safety that you have with him and say goodbye to that headf**k.

thats stretching my words and you know it.

His father was married to his mother for decades. His mum became pregnant with him unexpectedly in her mid 40’s when his brother was already in his early twenties so there was a large age gap and he’d already left home. Dad left his mum before he was born and set up a new home with another woman and they had 3 children together, eldest was born a year or so after him. He didn’t have much to do with his dad and was very bitter about him. I asked if the situation had improved in recent years and he said that he was in his final years but nothing had changed.

Absolutely. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of him since (obv hence taking the trouble to write here) but I’ve zero appetite for any funny business