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Original poster

To wonder why some men stay single?

258 replies

Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:02

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit. I was stood in the queue at Pret when I bumped into an old ‘ex’ of sorts. I was 18 when I met him at Uni, he was a 24 year old postgrad, played rugby, absolutely to die for. We had a very intense ‘friends with benefits’ situation for years. Didn’t see anyone else, did a lot together and he was just wonderful. I never pursued a relationship because he always gave the impression he didn’t want one. I broke off the arrangement 5 years later, by which time I was head over heels and heartbroken. Messed me up for a while but I later married a lovely uncomplicated man and am very lucky and happy with 2 children.

Fast forward, he’s just as gorgeous, very successful and single. We had a coffee and a nice catch up. He suggested meeting again but I declined and wished him well. Frankly I wouldn’t trust myself and I was amazed at how wildly attracted I was to him, but I guess that’s nostalgia for you.

I am however baffled that he’s never committed to anyone, even for a short time. I’m curious about this. He was raised by a single mother (who was an incredible self made woman who I met a few times and was absolutely in awe of) and had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them. I don’t know what the point of this thread is but I suppose I’m just curious about people who remain single. I don’t think for a moment that ‘coupled up’ people are happier necessarily but he was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.

OP posts:
TheCallOfTheMild · 07/01/2023 13:34

For a bloke it is often signing up to a legal commitment to have your finances drained for life and restricted from having sex with other people. What's to like about that? Very few blokes actively want marriage.

Interesting then isn't it that the most dangerous time for a woman (in terms of the threat of domestic violence) is when she tries to leave her partner? Surely these men should be clapping their hands and shouting yippee that they can now keep their money and shag around as much as they like. I think you're being very naive if you think men aren't possessive over their partners. Perhaps it's that they expect commitment and monogamy but resent the same being expected of them?

SLS500 · 07/01/2023 13:34

I've been single for 5 years bar a couple of very short relationships.

When I divorced everyone thought I'd get snapped up. I choose to be single because when my children are not with me I love my own company and the freedom to see friends, go out , do what I want when I want.

Don't get me wrong I do hope to meet someone one day, but they're going to have to be very special for me to give up what I have now.

ButterflyOil · 07/01/2023 13:34

I also find it a bit sad that so many of us still have this idea the the default and best way to go through life is married or partnered up. These forums are filled with people who are miserable in their relationships as well as those who are miserable single. Neither is better than the other - some hate being single and some love it.

SLS500 · 07/01/2023 13:36

Oh yeah... my point was. Not everyone feels the need to be in a relationship and are perfectly happy and fulfilled being single.

LlynTegid · 07/01/2023 13:37

He may not want to be a parent, and so avoiding any long term relationship or giving any impression of wanting one is an honest way of doing this.

Or he may be largely attracted to women who are not attracted to him?

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 13:37

Of course there is nothing wrong with being single and it's a perfectly acceptable life choice however we are all better off if we have people that we can rely on, someone that we know we'll always have our back, most of us need to form some kind of alliances with others in order to get through life unless we have enough money to just pay for everything we need. Most of us need people that we can trust and trade favours with.

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 13:42

TheCallOfTheMild · 07/01/2023 13:34

For a bloke it is often signing up to a legal commitment to have your finances drained for life and restricted from having sex with other people. What's to like about that? Very few blokes actively want marriage.

Interesting then isn't it that the most dangerous time for a woman (in terms of the threat of domestic violence) is when she tries to leave her partner? Surely these men should be clapping their hands and shouting yippee that they can now keep their money and shag around as much as they like. I think you're being very naive if you think men aren't possessive over their partners. Perhaps it's that they expect commitment and monogamy but resent the same being expected of them?

Very true, men often react very violently when their partner leaves them doing everything they can to punish her for this, some of them Go full on family destroyer killing the children too.
I agree that men are often not particularly interested in relationships by which I mean equal partnerships, however it seems to me that men desperately want and need women to obey them and work for them for free.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2023 13:43

@TheCallOfTheMild

I think you're being very naive if you think men aren't possessive over their partners.

Men are certainly possessive over their partners but this has very little to do with commitment or love and everything to do with status and testosterone.

To the extent that men dislike their wives cheating on them it’s more to to with the loss of public status than any loss of trust or romantic attraction.

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 13:44

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2023 13:43

@TheCallOfTheMild

I think you're being very naive if you think men aren't possessive over their partners.

Men are certainly possessive over their partners but this has very little to do with commitment or love and everything to do with status and testosterone.

To the extent that men dislike their wives cheating on them it’s more to to with the loss of public status than any loss of trust or romantic attraction.

Because they view women as possessions that they own and control, if she has sex with another man he reacts as if another man has scratched his Porsche, in other words the other man has violated his property.

SaintLoy · 07/01/2023 13:47

I think for many blokes, just reading a few threads on Mumsnet would convince them to remain not only single, but resolutely celibate,

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2023 13:53

@Soothsayer1

Because they view women as possessions that they own and control, if she has sex with another man he reacts as if another man has scratched his Porsche, in other words the other man has violated his property.

Exactly.

I don’t think marriage makes a great deal of difference though. A man views any woman with whom he is in a committed relationship to some extent as his chattel. Even the supposedly progressive ones who would never articulate this do this subconsciously I think.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/01/2023 13:56

He had his freedom, im sure he gets enough sex and enough emotional connection, has carrying responsibilities, probably owns his own home, I'm sure he has everything he'd want.
I have a friend now early 50s, OK he's average looking so probably has less access to sex but is very emotionally intelligent, has a good job, his own home. I'm sure they're would have been women willing to settle down with him along the road but he seems genuinely content with his life. He also feels much younger than his years as he has no commitments about his family and work

FrippEnos · 07/01/2023 14:03

Maybe he has had relationships with (whisper) abusive women.
Maybe since he has become successful he has had relationships with women that are just out for his moeny.
Maybe he doesn't want the emotional baggage of someone with children and an ex (or string of exs)
Maybe he has a good group of friends that support him emotionally, don't get upset about who should pay for whatever and he still has FWBs.

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 14:03

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2023 13:53

@Soothsayer1

Because they view women as possessions that they own and control, if she has sex with another man he reacts as if another man has scratched his Porsche, in other words the other man has violated his property.

Exactly.

I don’t think marriage makes a great deal of difference though. A man views any woman with whom he is in a committed relationship to some extent as his chattel. Even the supposedly progressive ones who would never articulate this do this subconsciously I think.

My feeling is that this is partly to do with the way that dominance works, if you are very dominant you tend to want to claim everything as your territory and can be inclined to treat people as possessions.
I think that women are less prone to this but they can also do it too depending on circumstances?

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 14:05

SaintLoy · 07/01/2023 13:47

I think for many blokes, just reading a few threads on Mumsnet would convince them to remain not only single, but resolutely celibate,

And when I read threads on male-dominated forums I often have a strong impression that men pose a grave danger to women

DanseAvecLesLoups · 07/01/2023 14:20

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 14:05

And when I read threads on male-dominated forums I often have a strong impression that men pose a grave danger to women

Show quote history

What forums are those? Model railway chatroom? Beekeeping? DIY ?

Liorae · 07/01/2023 14:20

I think that women are less prone to this but they can also do it too depending on circumstances?
Judging by the number of posts I see on Mumsnet where women freak out about their "partner" speaking to other women, texting other women, working with other women, interacting with their ex, I think possessiveness is gender neutral.

Liorae · 07/01/2023 14:21

DanseAvecLesLoups · 07/01/2023 14:20

What forums are those? Model railway chatroom? Beekeeping? DIY ?

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

Goosefatroasts · 07/01/2023 14:22

Peter Pan syndrome? My brother is late 30s and is regularly single. He gets bored quick and is probably an undiagnosed sex addict. He has no problem attracting a woman but he certainly can’t keep one. It’s a new one each month at times.

KimberleyClark · 07/01/2023 14:26

LlynTegid · 07/01/2023 13:37

He may not want to be a parent, and so avoiding any long term relationship or giving any impression of wanting one is an honest way of doing this.

Or he may be largely attracted to women who are not attracted to him?

Yes, he may not want children, but may be having real difficulty meeting women of the right age whose biological clocks are not loudly ticking.

KimberleyClark · 07/01/2023 14:29

Or he may not want to end up with a woman who originally said she didn’t want children then changes her mind.

TheCallOfTheMild · 07/01/2023 14:30

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 13:44

Because they view women as possessions that they own and control, if she has sex with another man he reacts as if another man has scratched his Porsche, in other words the other man has violated his property.

Show quote history

But it's not necessarily about leaving for another man or cheating, it can be fleeing to a refuge or getting the police to remove him from the home. Men obviously want relationships and can become dangerously violent when the woman wants out. Pretty sure most non molestation orders are taken out against men, not these awful women trying to trap men into relationships they didn't want.

Speaking personally, my husband was the one keen on marriage and children, and he's been a brilliant husband and father for 36 years. We're now grandparents and he's far more besotted with the DGC than I.

slashlover · 07/01/2023 14:30

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 13:37

Of course there is nothing wrong with being single and it's a perfectly acceptable life choice however we are all better off if we have people that we can rely on, someone that we know we'll always have our back, most of us need to form some kind of alliances with others in order to get through life unless we have enough money to just pay for everything we need. Most of us need people that we can trust and trade favours with.

I'm sorry you don't have close friends.

I've been single my entire life and have friends who have dropped everything when I've had troubles. I've also done the exact same for them, the people we can rely on aren't always partners or family.

Liorae · 07/01/2023 14:31

KimberleyClark · 07/01/2023 14:29

Or he may not want to end up with a woman who originally said she didn’t want children then changes her mind.

Or "forgets" her pill regularly. Or goes off contraception in secret.

butterfliedtwo · 07/01/2023 14:32

EmmaEmerald · 07/01/2023 12:43

I don't understand why some people find choosing a single life so surprising. I thought we passed that stage ages ago.

This.

Freedom, OP. I bet it's the freedom. He's living life how he chooses to live it.