To wonder why some men stay single?

[Tandees]

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit. I was stood in the queue at Pret when I bumped into an old ‘ex’ of sorts. I was 18 when I met him at Uni, he was a 24 year old postgrad, played rugby, absolutely to die for. We had a very intense ‘friends with benefits’ situation for years. Didn’t see anyone else, did a lot together and he was just wonderful. I never pursued a relationship because he always gave the impression he didn’t want one. I broke off the arrangement 5 years later, by which time I was head over heels and heartbroken. Messed me up for a while but I later married a lovely uncomplicated man and am very lucky and happy with 2 children.

Fast forward, he’s just as gorgeous, very successful and single. We had a coffee and a nice catch up. He suggested meeting again but I declined and wished him well. Frankly I wouldn’t trust myself and I was amazed at how wildly attracted I was to him, but I guess that’s nostalgia for you.

I am however baffled that he’s never committed to anyone, even for a short time. I’m curious about this. He was raised by a single mother (who was an incredible self made woman who I met a few times and was absolutely in awe of) and had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them. I don’t know what the point of this thread is but I suppose I’m just curious about people who remain single. I don’t think for a moment that ‘coupled up’ people are happier necessarily but he was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.

What's his tel no??????

There are routinely similar threads about women remaining single. I am.one such woman, being single for 4 years which is the longest time ever since dating as a teen (I'm 31).

My last ex was a serious partner who cheated and it took time to get over it. Afterwards I dated a man mid-20s who was lovely but not ready fo settle down & remains single because it suits his lifestyle. I had a FWB last year which suited me well.

Do I get lonely sometimes? Yes and I'm not averse to meeting someone, I'm open minded. I have own home, great friends and job, fun hobbies. Marriage isn't a motivator for me. Like @seineingefrohrenerpimmel I have been questioning whether it is for me at all. The one thing I now struggle with is how people will view me - the spinster of the group? I thought we'd moved past that.

I know the sort.... Older man with a very attractive young woman from a poor country in other words he bought her

Clooney is 61, not in his 40s. Brad Pitt is 59. Tom Cruises 60. Johnny Depp is 59. Richard Gere is 70 something! Mark Whalberg is 52.

Just a few examples, Clooney does nothing for me but Johnny Depp I’d turn back heterosexual for 😂

Agree that the attitude on here that single people must have something wrong with them is bizarre, especially when contrasted against the thousands of threads where the people with 'something wrong with them' are the other half of the poster's relationship (or the poster themselves).

I should also say that my mental health has been so much better since I haven't been in a serious relationship.

It's the complete freedom to live as I want. Previous boyfriends have expected me to fit in with their lives or wanted to lightly control the direction my life would take, rather than compromise.

I know right. These women, rocking up unannounced, hoovering up sperm, leeching the very air out of the lungs of poor men who just want to earn a living in peace. And this obsession with babies and family, I mean WTF is that all about?! Who wants that, we don’t need any new people to support the ageing population anyway!

Right, I’m off out to drain some finances off some dude and hopefully trick them into signing a legal agreement. Wish me luck!

Totally agree.

We are still as a society so limited by our obsession with coupling off. It holds us back in so many ways.

I honestly believe most people can reach far greater potential on their own than shackled to someone else.

I’ve worked in a high end jewellery shop (Rolex, Gucci, Bulgari etc) and we used to regularly get men in with their Thai or Russian brides. Some 60 something year old man with a 21 year old wife, used to turn my stomach tbh. Imagine sucking an old wrinkled dick every night in exchange for a Gucci watch 🤮

When it comes to casual sex men are at a huge disadvantage, very easy for a woman to find a much younger man who's willing to have sex with her, very very easy.
For a man..... very difficult

Because being single has so so many benefits. It should really be seen as the luxury option only for those who can afford it.
If you're good looking, and probably even if you're not, you can have sex whenever you want it. On the apps you can literally organise it for the same night.
You can have friends and hobbies and absolute freedom to do however much of either of those as you like.
You can have love from your family.

So, for many people, it's a rather pleasant option.

Maybe he hasn't met someone he genuinely loved and had that connection with 🤷‍♀️

you're joking, right?

You must know some age gap relationships? I don't deny he was looking for younger, but people want what they want. I'm 46, if I looked again I might go younger.

my mum is friends with a man in his 70s whose husband is in his 50s. He's gorgeous too - the 50 something. I cuddled him a lot at the Jubilee party - it was cold, lol - and cor, he is fit!!

i sometimes picture MNers as living in little identikit communities.

Nobody has to justify why they're single.
But going on what you're said this man seems to have had all the advantages of being in a relationship without any commitment or a lot of effort, so why would he want to change?
He probably told other women he was single all the years he was with you.

I have also remained single. I am also affectionate, kind and charismatic amongst many other things but have never been "snapped up" as you put it. Nor am I waiting to be snapped up, I have my own life. I have dated people but never found anyone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and would rather be single than commit to the wrong person. It's really not that unusual for some people to live a single life.

For avoidance of doubt, my lovely ex did not marry a Thai bride, he married an English woman, I've met her. They are a handsome couple, to use Jane Austen speak.

It is true that men remain fertile for much longer than women do, however if I were a young woman wanting to have a child there is no way that I would waste my young fertile eggs on deteriorating and suboptimal older man sperm.
I would make sure that I was impregnated by a young man with fit healthy gametes!🐣
In the past women had an incentive to have children with an older man because he's likely to have achieved career success and the financial stability to provide for a child so she can trade that off against the disadvantages of him being older.
But these days when women can earn their own money there is less advantage to having a child with an older man

A comment said to me quite often is 'I don't get why you're single.' I bellow 'choice' back at them. I know they're actually trying to be complimentary, but it's actually quite insulting to assume that I'm some kind of prize for a man which I get no say in.

Yup.

I've been amazed to find out some people you'd never think it are gay but they keep silent about it.

"For a bloke it is often signing up to a legal commitment to have your finances drained for life and restricted from having sex with other people. What's to like about that? Very few blokes actively want marriage."

@Thepeopleversuswork your excellent summary above also applies to some women. I'm the main breadwinner and sometimes feel this way about marriage.

OP maybe he was in love with you but too scared of committing and has then spent years not finding anyone he gets on with in the same way?

my mum is friends with a man in his 70s whose husband is in his 50s. He's gorgeous too - the 50 something. I cuddled him a lot at the Jubilee party - it was cold, lol - and cor, he is fit!!
From what I've seen age gap relationships are more common in gay men? Possibly the dynamics and the factors driving them are different compared to to hetrosexual couples?

I agree.

It's amazing that so many can't see how being single is an attractive choice for many people.

Just look at all the posts saying he must be a "player" (what a term...) and that he would have been having sec with other people behind OP's back.

Many people seemingly can't accept that others don't make the same choices as them and assume that there must be something wrong with them if they follow a different path.

Bizarre way of viewing the world and other people.

Do you ever think it's not about a dynamic than you can "measure"?

there are loads of factors at play in personal relationships. Was your "bought" bride comment genuine?

I think now more than ever before being single as a conscious choice has never been more acceptable. Some people love the freedom and don't want to have to compromise which goes without saying in relationships. Imagine the misery of having kids with a man whom you're now dependant on in one way or another but the love has completely gone. People change all the time and being single is an excellent way to avoid having to 'deal' with other people so intimately.