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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why some men stay single?

258 replies

Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:02

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit. I was stood in the queue at Pret when I bumped into an old ‘ex’ of sorts. I was 18 when I met him at Uni, he was a 24 year old postgrad, played rugby, absolutely to die for. We had a very intense ‘friends with benefits’ situation for years. Didn’t see anyone else, did a lot together and he was just wonderful. I never pursued a relationship because he always gave the impression he didn’t want one. I broke off the arrangement 5 years later, by which time I was head over heels and heartbroken. Messed me up for a while but I later married a lovely uncomplicated man and am very lucky and happy with 2 children.

Fast forward, he’s just as gorgeous, very successful and single. We had a coffee and a nice catch up. He suggested meeting again but I declined and wished him well. Frankly I wouldn’t trust myself and I was amazed at how wildly attracted I was to him, but I guess that’s nostalgia for you.

I am however baffled that he’s never committed to anyone, even for a short time. I’m curious about this. He was raised by a single mother (who was an incredible self made woman who I met a few times and was absolutely in awe of) and had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them. I don’t know what the point of this thread is but I suppose I’m just curious about people who remain single. I don’t think for a moment that ‘coupled up’ people are happier necessarily but he was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/01/2023 12:31

If you can't trust yourself around him then you aren't happily married.

Guavafish1 · 07/01/2023 12:32

Might be like Boris Johnson with kids every where but doesn't know them.

pillow56 · 07/01/2023 12:32

Interesting question op, I have a male friend who was popular with the boys (as friends, like an alpha male leader) and was romantically popular with the ladies. He had a string of attractive gfs yet at 38 and in a successful career, he's a business owner of a very lucrative business.

He's single now and lives alone. His last partner was very attractive but they split about 4 years ago. I often wonder this too. He's still pretty handsome.

5128gap · 07/01/2023 12:33

Are you a tiny bit thinking its because you and he were meant to be? If so, banish that immediately if you're happily married! Reality is, either he doesn't want a relationship and so has opted out, or he's never been able to make one work. Some people do better and are happier alone.

DuplicateUserName · 07/01/2023 12:35

He's probably living his best life!

Why would he want to change that?

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 12:36

Some people do better and are happier alone
This is true however single men tend to do worse than single women!
The eternal play boys who think that they will always be able to to get a younger woman to look after them when they are ready to settle down may be in for a rude awakening.

Original poster
Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:36

Squisageandmosh · 07/01/2023 12:31

Maybe he has mother issues? Or his mother is very dominant in their relationship? I have seen it before. Can’t meet anyone who in his mind matches up to his own mother or she provides all the emotional support he needs or she interferes in any relationships he does have?

That’s interesting. She was very important in his life. always looked out for her and still is to this day. I didn’t get the impression she was overbearing or expected it, as I mentioned previously, she was a very impressive woman and had achieved a lot. She was 46 when she had him and is now nearly 90. He has a brother who is early 60’s so I always got the impression he was very much the ‘baby’. She seemed to encourage our relationship and used to send me a present on my birthday and made Jerk chicken for 2 that he could share with me when I went round 🤣 so funny when you think back to old memories. I guarantee you’d all do this if you bumped into an old ex you actually don’t have bad memories about.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2023 12:36

Because honestly why would you, if you are a bloke?

Not very much upside.

Marriage or cohabitation is hard work and it's only really women who are ever interested in it because they want support and finance to have children.

For a bloke it is often signing up to a legal commitment to have your finances drained for life and restricted from having sex with other people. What's to like about that? Very few blokes actively want marriage.

Ironically, over their lifetime, blokes actually benefit more from marriage than women do but as a young(ish) man marriage must look horrendous.

JoyPeaceHealth · 07/01/2023 12:36

Same reason women stay single. I am a woman and the 'calibre' of man I could attract isn't somebody I've wanted to stay with iykwim. Also, it's just easier being single. More freedom.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 07/01/2023 12:36

Being married and having children isn’t the only way to make a happy life for yourself, maybe he’s just satisfied with his life as is.

taxpayer1 · 07/01/2023 12:37

Maybe because if he later divorces he will lose the children, the house, the pension, and savings. He will have to spend years and thousands of pounds to take the ex to court to access his own children.

Deadringer · 07/01/2023 12:39

I was at a school reunion recently and was chatting to two old friends I have long lost touch with, one male and the other female. Neither of them ever married and don't appear to have had any significant long term relationships, ok not surprising but both of these people started dating before the rest of us and had loads of partners during school and college. I suppose you could say they were serial monogamists, but both are childless and have been single now for many years. Just surprised me really.

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 12:40

Marriage or cohabitation is hard work and it's only really women who are ever interested in it because they want support and finance to have children
You speak as if having children is a kind of hobby that only women benefit from? As if they are pets that she keeps for her own indulgence and amusement?

Squisageandmosh · 07/01/2023 12:40

This is probably an old-fashioned view but I don’t really rate a bloke who engages in to a fwb arrangement for five years. Especially when they are older by some years.

I am not saying they never work - or that they can’t suit women either - but I think they are best for a short term period like six months. After that, I think they can be a bit exploitative (for both sexes).

Just have a full relationship or don’t fhs! Otherwise it gives the impression that either party are holding out for something better. Maybe this bloke held out too long?

For that reason I don’t think you are well out of it op!

pillow56 · 07/01/2023 12:40

I'd question why he made you feel like he was massively out of your league? It's not a great quality

oh fgs, don't blame him. Most of us are average looking and if suddenly we met a Brad Pitt or David Beckham who were interested in us we'd feel out of their league.

Same as how many men would feel Cindy Crawford or Jessica Alba types are out of their leagues.

It's perfecly natural to feel that around very attractive people unless we are blessed with high attractiveness ourselves which most of us aren't.

Original poster
Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:42

5128gap · 07/01/2023 12:33

Are you a tiny bit thinking its because you and he were meant to be? If so, banish that immediately if you're happily married! Reality is, either he doesn't want a relationship and so has opted out, or he's never been able to make one work. Some people do better and are happier alone.

No not at all!! If I had my time again, I would choose DH every single time. I had a somewhat turbulent upbringing, alcoholic parents etc and I have since educated myself on the effects of this and relate to a lot of therapists (on tik tok of all things) when they discuss this. So I recognise why I was perhaps attracted to the instability of this guy at the time. My life with DH is incredibly stable and I count my lucky stars every day.
I remember recognising that he was a bit damaged by his dads choices and felt for him. I suppose we were both the product of less than ideal upbringings and just had a bit of a connection.
when we were chatting I was struck by how I still felt a bit of love for him, but not in a romantic way. I genuinely just hoped for the best for him.

OP posts:
JoyPeaceHealth · 07/01/2023 12:42

5128gap · 07/01/2023 12:33

Are you a tiny bit thinking its because you and he were meant to be? If so, banish that immediately if you're happily married! Reality is, either he doesn't want a relationship and so has opted out, or he's never been able to make one work. Some people do better and are happier alone.

This! So much analysis of a stranger! who it turns out is only 41 and may well get married. It's not some unfathomable question to solve, why a single person hasn't married.

OrdinaryAva · 07/01/2023 12:42

He’s like his dad. Keep this for your fantasies if you must, just don’t kid yourself.

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 12:43

.... Furthermore women increasingly do NOT want to have children, much to the consternation of governments all over the world who have no way of incentivising them to do so!

Squisageandmosh · 07/01/2023 12:43

Marriage or cohabitation is hard work and it's only really women who are ever interested in it because they want support and finance to have children.

^^ Eh? I know loads of men who wanted dc more than their wives did! Children are usually a joint objective of a marriage not the wife’s personal project!

SnoozyLucy7 · 07/01/2023 12:43

It’s not just men. Many women stay single as well. Some just don’t want that commitment and that’s fine.

EmmaEmerald · 07/01/2023 12:43

I don't understand why some people find choosing a single life so surprising. I thought we passed that stage ages ago.

Original poster
Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:45

Soothsayer1 · 07/01/2023 12:40

Marriage or cohabitation is hard work and it's only really women who are ever interested in it because they want support and finance to have children
You speak as if having children is a kind of hobby that only women benefit from? As if they are pets that she keeps for her own indulgence and amusement?

Agree. My DH is the most committed man - he absolutely adores our daughters and loves spending time with them. I really don’t want to give the wrong impression here. I am very happy in my marriage.

OP posts:
IPreferTheStrawberryOne · 07/01/2023 12:45

Attachment issues. He has an avoidant attachment style. You'd do well to protect your heart - he'll not be able to commit without a ton of therapy first.

pillow56 · 07/01/2023 12:48

For a bloke it is often signing up to a legal commitment to have your finances drained for life and restricted from having sex with other people. What's to like about that? Very few blokes actively want marriage.
Ironically, over their lifetime, blokes actually benefit more from marriage than women do but as a young(ish) man marriage must look horrendous

many men marry in their 30s these days, the average for men in uk in 38. Unless the man looks like Brad Pitt most men would find it harder and struggle to sleep around after mid 30s and it just gets harder after that with middle age near.

By the time many men marry their sleeping around days are either over or coming to an end because they are getting older and can't compete with their younger counterparts. The type of women they'd want to sleep with would be younger or fit women and they'd find younger women aren't interested or that the women their own age are too old or unfit looking with their post baby bods.