To wonder why some men stay single?

[Tandees]

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit. I was stood in the queue at Pret when I bumped into an old ‘ex’ of sorts. I was 18 when I met him at Uni, he was a 24 year old postgrad, played rugby, absolutely to die for. We had a very intense ‘friends with benefits’ situation for years. Didn’t see anyone else, did a lot together and he was just wonderful. I never pursued a relationship because he always gave the impression he didn’t want one. I broke off the arrangement 5 years later, by which time I was head over heels and heartbroken. Messed me up for a while but I later married a lovely uncomplicated man and am very lucky and happy with 2 children.

Fast forward, he’s just as gorgeous, very successful and single. We had a coffee and a nice catch up. He suggested meeting again but I declined and wished him well. Frankly I wouldn’t trust myself and I was amazed at how wildly attracted I was to him, but I guess that’s nostalgia for you.

I am however baffled that he’s never committed to anyone, even for a short time. I’m curious about this. He was raised by a single mother (who was an incredible self made woman who I met a few times and was absolutely in awe of) and had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them. I don’t know what the point of this thread is but I suppose I’m just curious about people who remain single. I don’t think for a moment that ‘coupled up’ people are happier necessarily but he was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.

I know a few men in their 40s and 50s who are single. Generally they say that they aren't willing to compromise their lives to include a partner. Maybe they would have done if they met the right person earlier but they are set in their ways now. Plenty of women feel the same I'm sure.

Me too. Why should being in a relationship be the default or desirable? It's perfectly possible to not be in a long term relationship and be happy. He doesn't sound like someone who wants that type of commitment.

I think the concept of physically attractive men being 'snapped up' (or not) is rather limiting — for both men and women.

People can be happy or miserable, either in or out of relationships. Maybe he's having a very enjoyable life solo and doesn't feel the need for a partner? People might have tried to 'snap him up' in the past and he didn't want that, so he declined. Being in a relationship isn't necessarily a 'win' for some people, and that's a good thing.

Christ almighty. Rather than accepting that like a lot of women (me for one) being single is the way he is and wants to be, MN has decided that:

(1) he's like his dad who "did the dirty" on them;
(2) he has mother issues;
(3) he imagines will still be able to attract young women who will fawn over him and do his bidding when he's an old man;
(4) he's like a PP's aquaintance who was gorgeous but ugly on the inside.

Regressive old-fashioned bullshit

YABU for expecting us to know why a random man is single

I can think of a few people, men who are good-looking charismatic always had money nice cars but never stayed in a relationship for long, over the years I've joined the dots and realised that they are ..... Shall we say, not on the right side of the law, tied up with drugs/ money laundering but not in customer facing roles so they keep their hands clean.
I want to be very clear they are not personal acquaintances of mine just people that I know of and have observed over the years.
Or maybe I just have an overactive imagination 🤷
but in any case 🤐

I agree, I had an absolute epiphany in my 40s. Why have I made my happy life unhappy by trying to find a relationship that 'stuck'.
I realised that even as each relationship ended there was always a part of me thinking I could get back to normal now. So I've just happily accept that for me, normal is single. It works. It was trying to be conventional and meet somebody, oh how exhausting, that made me feel wretched.

I have a male friend in similar position although older than your friend. He is handsome and wealthy. He has had relationships over the years. I think I read on here that women are wary of men who are single in their 40s and question whether they would be a good partner. Don't know if that is true but the suggestion is that they would avoid someone who has been long-term single as that is telling them something. Seems a bit unfair to me.

I think my friend is just comfortable in their own skin and in their life. Has an interesting job etc.... I do sometimes wonder if they get lonely but I think not. They seem self contained. I am quite envious as I crave company.

In the back end of my 20s I found myself single. I had just extracted myself (with some external assistance from a pretty abusive relationship and the thought of dating again was a million miles away. This also coincided with an opportunity to work overseas in Africa and I pretty much buggered off for about 4 years. Took the time to get my head together and put it bluntly spend lots of time on myself. Had some amazing experiences and became a lot more confident about being on my own and generally content with my own company. I did not become some massive introvert or anything, I still enjoyed the company of others but equally I was happy to holiday on my own, spend a night in on my own, wander around a museum or go running on my own and generally found myself in a good place. I had my own house, decent salary, various hobbies and sports and a decent social life. I just never felt at the time I needed a relationship. Various friends were trying to set me up with their female friends and I was just not interested. My views were at times possibly tainted by looking at the shitshow drama of some couples close to me and I just felt I did not need that shit in my life. I do remember my mum asking if I was gay as I had not had a girlfriend for about six years. Ah well.

For a bloke it is often signing up to a legal commitment to have your finances drained for life and restricted from having sex with other people
You speak as if women have no ability to earn their own money, and as if all men have a queue of young women willing to have no strings sex with them
🤣🤣🤣

this!!! I wouldn’t have touched a 42 year old player with a barge pole when I was 23!

Exactly who are they shagging?

this!!! I wouldn’t have touched a 42 year old player with a barge pole when I was 23

easy to say but if he were George Clooney you might say different.

If he has a good job, enough money, plenty of friends and doesn't want children, then he may have little incentive to couple up. Let's be honest, loads of people get married because they want company, money or kids. If he doesn't then he probably prefers the single life.

I agree but this is honestly the way a lot (if not most) blokes see it.

For anyone with a decent income setting up home with someone with a less income or someone who didn’t want to work, marriage is a pretty unappealing prospect, male or female. It’s only really sensible if you are the non breadwinning spouse and want to take time off to raise children.

I wouldn’t do it for all the tea in China.

It's very 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free' isn't it, like some male chauvinist from the 1970s who thinks women will always fall at his feet!

A lot of people prefer the single life. I am not sure why anyone finds that shocking really.

A good looking charmer aged 40 something? Loads of options.

I don't do serious but my last casual whatever was about 15 years older. This was a long time ago. He is now 62 and still gorgeous. Runs 5 miles a day, lifts weights etc. He is married to a woman about 20 years younger now. She is very beautiful, I don't know what he saw in me tbh.

As for restrictions on sex, few men find they have less sex within a typical relationship than while single. Not sure what the average is, but even if it's only once a week in the relationship, its a lot more reliable than traipsing round in the hopes of pulling someone for a ONS.
My (single, 20s) DSs friends apparantly give one of the main advantages of being in a settled relationship as having reliable access to fairly effort free sex. Which is charming.

Certainly on here there is always a whiff of 'damaged goods' about older single people.

Many different reasons as to why people remain single. For your ex, it maybe that his background provided an example of independence and success? Maybe there’s a residual fear of getting too involved with someone and it not working out? Maybe he’s got very high expectations?

I think men have more time than women regarding children. If your friend’s in his forties, he’ll know he still has plenty of time to find someone younger. Maybe he doesn’t want children?

I find it quite bizarre that in this day and age people have to ask something like "why do some men stay single?"
There's an unpleasant implication in several posts here that the bloke is attractive, kind and affectionate so should have been snapped up and isn't the type to be long-term single. Very offensive actually - as if single people are the dregs of society - ugly, unpleasant, have issues, etc.

There's still this implicit suggestion that success = finding a partner, marrying, perhaps having children and living happily ever after as a family. Failure = single people who've got something wrong with them and couldn't find a partner.

I'm 45 and single and no longer give a flying fuck what anyone thinks. I tried to push myself into the relationship model pushed on to us by society and it wasn't a good fit.
There's nothing wrong with me. Being in a long-term relationship just does not match up with what I want to be doing in life.

I’m not disagreeing with any of this commentary about how delusional wanting to remain single is as a man. Marriage definitely benefits them more than us.

But men very rarely drive marriages. It’s almost always women who initiate the discussion about marriage and then project manage the wedding and all that jazz. Men couldn’t give a shit about this for the most part.

Amusing that everytime this comes up GC gets rolled out as the example. Anyone would think that the world was short of examples of gorgeous middle aged men with queues of 20s women after them.......Oh....!
Well there's.....(tumble weed)

You had a vagina 😉