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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why some men stay single?

258 replies

Tandees · 07/01/2023 12:02

i had one of those moments yesterday where you thank your lucky stars you didn’t leave the house looking like shit. I was stood in the queue at Pret when I bumped into an old ‘ex’ of sorts. I was 18 when I met him at Uni, he was a 24 year old postgrad, played rugby, absolutely to die for. We had a very intense ‘friends with benefits’ situation for years. Didn’t see anyone else, did a lot together and he was just wonderful. I never pursued a relationship because he always gave the impression he didn’t want one. I broke off the arrangement 5 years later, by which time I was head over heels and heartbroken. Messed me up for a while but I later married a lovely uncomplicated man and am very lucky and happy with 2 children.

Fast forward, he’s just as gorgeous, very successful and single. We had a coffee and a nice catch up. He suggested meeting again but I declined and wished him well. Frankly I wouldn’t trust myself and I was amazed at how wildly attracted I was to him, but I guess that’s nostalgia for you.

I am however baffled that he’s never committed to anyone, even for a short time. I’m curious about this. He was raised by a single mother (who was an incredible self made woman who I met a few times and was absolutely in awe of) and had a dad who really did the dirty on them and he didn’t have much to do with them. I don’t know what the point of this thread is but I suppose I’m just curious about people who remain single. I don’t think for a moment that ‘coupled up’ people are happier necessarily but he was an incredibly affectionate, kind and enormously charismatic man. I’m surprised he wasn’t snapped up.

OP posts:
ConcordeOoter · 09/01/2023 01:21

It turns out he can get the up side of sex without the down side of maintaining a relationship and pretending he needs or wants one, financially supporting an entourage of other human beings, or unconditionally committing to lifelong sexual exclusivity.

This is bound to appeal to some people.

The attractive twinkle in his eye is probably from still being happy.

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/01/2023 05:08

Honestly, this is the sort of thing I’d ask the person straight up. Appreciate it’s too late for that. He’d probably just say he hasn’t met the right person yet. It’s what I’d say if I were to explain why I’m still single. I’ve had these questions put to me and the real answer is quite complicated…Life gets busy or problems come up that prevent you from dating; you waste too much time with the wrong person; you have high standards; people make assumptions about you if you’re good looking and no one gets to know the real you; lack of real connection; people use you….the list goes on.

But also there is the stereotypical eternal bachelor type; I’ve met those men. Some of them are lovely but enjoy being single; some have serious personality issues that get worse with age.

It could be any number of reasons. People can also be very different in an emotionally intimate relationship than in any other dynamic. I’ve been with so many men who are just not cut out for it: immature, emotionally unavailable, or just plain horrible.

Is your question perhaps some kind of version of the ‘what if..?’ question? You’re surprised to discover he’s still single yet back when you couldn’t have him and were heartbroken did you imagine he’d be with someone else instead… but he still isn’t….So why not you(?) (Just trying to put myself in your place).

slashlover · 09/01/2023 14:04

seineingefrohrenerpimmel · 08/01/2023 20:43

Somewhat odd that people are now talking about how bad being lonely in old age is as a reason not to be single

Oh this happens all the time in discussions about people being single. Yeah, but you'll be lonely in old age so best marry someone.

  1. It assumes single people are sitting around alone and lonely with no friends or family (this has been implied several times on this thread already)
  2. It assumes that a married couple will remain happily married and that they'll both die at the same time! Because if they don't end up dying at the same time, one of them is going to find themselves widowed and alone and possibly lonely.

It's similar to the "if you don't have kids then you'll be alone with nobody to look after you when you're older" narritive.

Liorae · 09/01/2023 14:08

slashlover · 09/01/2023 14:04

It's similar to the "if you don't have kids then you'll be alone with nobody to look after you when you're older" narritive.

Show quote history

Yet we see so many gleeful posts about how parents who don't provide free childcare on tap will be ignored and neglected if they need help in their old age. I prefer to arrange my own elder care.

Original poster
Tandees · 09/01/2023 21:12

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/01/2023 05:08

Honestly, this is the sort of thing I’d ask the person straight up. Appreciate it’s too late for that. He’d probably just say he hasn’t met the right person yet. It’s what I’d say if I were to explain why I’m still single. I’ve had these questions put to me and the real answer is quite complicated…Life gets busy or problems come up that prevent you from dating; you waste too much time with the wrong person; you have high standards; people make assumptions about you if you’re good looking and no one gets to know the real you; lack of real connection; people use you….the list goes on.

But also there is the stereotypical eternal bachelor type; I’ve met those men. Some of them are lovely but enjoy being single; some have serious personality issues that get worse with age.

It could be any number of reasons. People can also be very different in an emotionally intimate relationship than in any other dynamic. I’ve been with so many men who are just not cut out for it: immature, emotionally unavailable, or just plain horrible.

Is your question perhaps some kind of version of the ‘what if..?’ question? You’re surprised to discover he’s still single yet back when you couldn’t have him and were heartbroken did you imagine he’d be with someone else instead… but he still isn’t….So why not you(?) (Just trying to put myself in your place).

Not particularly. I think I always thought he could do better and imagined him with someone ‘incredible’, whatever that means. Pathetic really.

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 10/01/2023 09:42

Seems he's doing quite well, though, and on his own terms.

xyhere · 10/01/2023 10:16

Rather than diagnosing him with some sort of personality disorder or being eager to find some of defect in the guy remotely over the Internet...consider that guys who are effectively 9s or 10s on every scale (sorry, I hate that terminology, but there's no other way to say it with brevity) tend to attract entirely the "wrong" kind of woman in just the same way that female 10s tend to attract players.

When the pool of available candidates is populated with those types of people, it's not difficult to see how someone could reach a point where they just decide it's not worth the hassle or sacrifice - when the downsides and potential pitfalls outweigh any possible benefits.

That problem is only exacerbated when people outside that pool decide that they're not good enough and exclude themselves, like the OP did. That would be pretty soul-destroying for the guy - he's got a choice of either people whose priorities are wildly out of whack with his, or people whose priorities are right but will bail because they assume he'll bail for a better option later.

The only way to win is not to play.

JoonT · 10/01/2023 22:18

sammylady37 · 07/01/2023 21:51

It is truly depressing how people will stay in shit relationships because they view it as preferable to being alone. I know someone whose marriage was ending as her husband had met someone else and was leaving for the OW, and she offered him an open marriage, said he could shag the OW as much as he liked, but just remain married to her in name, so that she’d still have the status of being married. Utterly pathetic.

Show quote history

I agree it's depressing. But I wonder why people do it? It would be interesting to see the statistics. I wonder how it breaks down? I mean, roughly what percentage of women (and men) stay with awful partners because they are frightened of being alone? And what percentage stay because they'd feel humiliated if things ended? Of course, people stay for other reasons. I know someone who is only with his wife because he's bought a nice house and doesn't want a messy and costly divorce. I'm sure that's very common too.

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