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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not collecting child from school

307 replies

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 08:52

There is a court order in place for my DD (aged 5). On Friday, her father should have collected her from school for the weekend. The school rang me half an hour after closing to say that her dad had not collected her. He lives some distance away and luckily I was working from home and came straight away to collect her. I messaged her dad to say he was welcome to collect her from mine.

I strongly suspect this is not an oversight. Her dad has a habit of playing bizarre games like refusing to return her to me and other really malicious things. I suspect that he didn't collect her this weekend as it's his birthday next week and was trying to force a change in arrangements.

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

OP posts:

AWaferThinMint · 07/01/2023 08:54

Yes I would stay firm. He chosen it to collect per court order so he waits until he's next weekend.

I assume you already keep a note of all the times he behaves like a dick? If he's not returning/not complying with the order speak to your solicitor for advice.

AWaferThinMint · 07/01/2023 08:54

*not to

Fireflygal · 07/01/2023 08:56

I appreciate your frustration but what is best interests for the child? Has he failed to have her this weekend?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 07/01/2023 08:56

Do not change. Apart from anything else, there’s a court order involved and both of you are meant to stick to it! Just keep a list of all the tunes he doesn’t turn up. Screenshot the time school rang etc.

Bayleaf25 · 07/01/2023 08:56

You stay firm. Absolutely no reason to change next weekend. Had he of discussed in advance then fair enough but he effectively chose to skip this weekend. Just keep a record of it for purposes of the court order (and be there early to pick her up next week in case he tries anything sneaky).

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

Bemyclementine · 07/01/2023 08:58

What a dick! Did he respond? I wouldn't change.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 07/01/2023 08:59

Don't swap weekends.

He could have spoken to you like a grown up instead of leaving his 5yo at school by herself!

He's appalling.

Maray1967 · 07/01/2023 09:00

Alert the school so they know he cannot collect her next Friday- he might turn up early to try to take her.

PolarBlair · 07/01/2023 09:01

Fireflygal · 07/01/2023 08:56

I appreciate your frustration but what is best interests for the child? Has he failed to have her this weekend?

It's certainly not in the child's best interests for the father not to pick her up from school because he is (still?) emotionally abusing and manipulating her mother because he didn't get what he wants

Enko · 07/01/2023 09:01

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

Yes this.

Rowthe · 07/01/2023 09:01

He chose to leave you kid there on her own.

It was 30 minutes before the school rang.

It was only that meant you could collect.

I wouldn't be letting him push me around.

And also as above keep a record of this.

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2023 09:04

Did he collect her from yours?

DDivaStar · 07/01/2023 09:05

Thank god you were local and able to collect her. Just because he hasn't stuck to the arrangement this weekend doesn't mean he gets to swap......

Anyone can see he is the one at fault here.

Crunchymum · 07/01/2023 09:05

Did he ever contact you? Explain why he didn't collect? Has he asked for next weekend? I'd be going back to court if the fucker continues with this shit.

piedbeauty · 07/01/2023 09:06

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

Why???

1000yellowdaisies · 07/01/2023 09:10

Fireflygal · 07/01/2023 08:56

I appreciate your frustration but what is best interests for the child? Has he failed to have her this weekend?

The best interests of the child have been determined by the court order.

Op stick to the arrangements in the court order firmly. If you start varying it, ex will continue to manipulate you to his advantage and it will get increasingly messy.

piedbeauty · 07/01/2023 09:11

He's a dick. If he was reasonable and reliable then you might consider changing weekends so he sees Dd for his birthday, but if he acts like this?? No way.

Is Dd disappointed not to see her dad? Was she upset when he didn't turn up? Your ex should be putting his Dd first and considering her feelings. But he's not.

What if you had gone away for this weekend? What if you had plans? He's not thinking about you either.

I'd contact him now, be factual, say that dd is with you for this weekend, that she is with you next weekend too and you have plans, and you will see him on the next court-ordered date.

But I hope you're making a list of all the times he mucks you and Dd around. You might need to go back to court.

Forgetaboutme · 07/01/2023 09:11

He is in the wrong. If he wanted his daughter for his birthday he could have asked in advance. Leaving her at the school with no prior warning is just mean. It's not for you to have to ask or assume he would want to swap. Many people are happy for a child free birthday to see friends etc.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/01/2023 09:11

@TulaDoesTheHula surely you’d want your child there with you to celebrate with you??? It never would have occurred to me that he would do this.

OP I’d stand firm. If nothing else he needs to act like an adult and communicate with you if he wants to swap weekends not do things by stealth

Beautiful3 · 07/01/2023 09:11

No don't swap, otherwise he'll know his tactic works and he'll keep doing it. What if you weren't nearby to collect? They contact social services after a certain length of time, also if it happens 3 times at our school.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 09:14

Has he responded to your message?

My DH's ex does things like this- she thinks she being really clever but if she just asked DH would be like sure let's swap weekends.

Anyway, no this is his weekend. He is fee to come and pick her up for the weekend from yours but do not swap.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 09:15

I feel very sorry for your 5 year old, it must have been hard for her.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 07/01/2023 09:17

of course there is no swap. your responsibility under the court order is only to make sure she is available for him to collect on his designated days. obviously as a responsible parent knowing that he is an unreliable arsehole you ensure there is a backup plan if he doesn't pick up, but you absolutely should not change your plans for next weekend. keep written records of what happened this time (ask school to confirm in writing what happened if you don't have that already) because if he does this regularly you may need to go back to court to change the arrangements if he can't be trusted under the current setup.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 09:19

Personally I’d ask the school to send you an email confirming what had happened (eg that father hadn’t collected her as planned and so you had to collect her). So you have ‘evidence’ of his choosing to not have contact.

Then if he asked for next weekend- “sorry I cannot change weekends as We already have plans”.

If he lets her down regularly I would do my best to gather evidence of that and I’d consider taking it back to court to reduce his contact. Awful for a child to have thag inconsistency. I assume he wasn’t answering the schools calls? Willy he school contact him about not collecting her?

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