Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not collecting child from school

307 replies

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 08:52

There is a court order in place for my DD (aged 5). On Friday, her father should have collected her from school for the weekend. The school rang me half an hour after closing to say that her dad had not collected her. He lives some distance away and luckily I was working from home and came straight away to collect her. I messaged her dad to say he was welcome to collect her from mine.

I strongly suspect this is not an oversight. Her dad has a habit of playing bizarre games like refusing to return her to me and other really malicious things. I suspect that he didn't collect her this weekend as it's his birthday next week and was trying to force a change in arrangements.

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

OP posts:
HauntedPencil · 07/01/2023 09:55

This is awful behaviour has he given any explanation? Absolutely not to having her next weekend - if he misses his court ordered contact you are under no obligation to swap. I'd make that clear.

BliainNua · 07/01/2023 09:55

I presume he still hasn't collected her from your house? Have you had any contact with him at all since yesterday? Did he acknowledge your calls / texts? Keep a record of all attempts, make sure the school know the schedule for the court order don't let him have her next weekend to "make up" for his (self-imposed) missed weekend.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/01/2023 09:56

I’d make the school aware of the situation and the court order.

I’d collect her slightly early next week, and if possible from the school office.

Also I’d be writing to him, with a copy kept, keeping a record of hom not turning up.

Has he been in touch at all ?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/01/2023 09:57

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

or he could have been an adult, used his words and asked…

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 09:58

converseandjeans · 07/01/2023 09:26

@TulaDoesTheHula

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

Is it a thing that you don't see your children if it's your birthday weekend? So you can go out or something? I always see mine. A grown up should be able to sort out his social calendar to take this into account.

It's a good job you were around. It must be so confusing for a child to just not be collected. It's a good job the teachers were with her too. Who did he think was going to look after her?

Just stick with your plans. I don't know why you should change.

What are you talking about? It’s the Ex’s birthday, not the OP’s. That’s why I mentioned swapping, precisely so he could spend time with his child on his birthday.

Namechanger965 · 07/01/2023 09:59

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

I agree with this. Maybe not now he’s behaved like this but I would agree to swap birthday weekends around so you both got weekends of (or near as) your birthday with her. I’d like to have my child with me to for my birthday so I can understand it. He’s gone about it completely the wrong way though.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 09:59

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 09:58

What are you talking about? It’s the Ex’s birthday, not the OP’s. That’s why I mentioned swapping, precisely so he could spend time with his child on his birthday.

Show quote history

I wouldn't have expected to remember it wad his birthday and offer though. He could ask like a sensible adult.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 07/01/2023 09:59

I think that there is an argument for flexibility but only when this is mutual.
What you have described means you have to provide more security and boundaries for your daughter. Stick to contact schedule. Evidence when he doesn't.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/01/2023 09:59

So many details left out here. So many assumptions of what the back story could be.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/01/2023 09:59

Has he been in contact with you at all since?

I would let the school know on Monday. Ask the head for advice.

Arw you saying it’s his birthday next week so he doesn’t want your DD so he can go out? Or he does want her so she’ll be there on his birthday-sorry, I wasn’t sure?

Original poster
holbolbol · 07/01/2023 10:00

Yes, I messaged him to say he's not picked up DD from school and he's playing games and he put 'ha what makes you think it's my weekend?' I replied that he knew quite well it's his weekend as per court order and he can pick up DD from mine if he wants to have her but I'll be keeping her next week. He didn't reply to that

OP posts:
iamjustwinginglife · 07/01/2023 10:00

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 09:29

Thanks all. I'm once again just aghast that someone would deliberately not pick up a small child to play these games. It's unhinged.

Would you write to school and alert them about next week? Are there any teachers who could advise what they'd do? I hate the thought that they think I'm the negligent one.

Have you given the school a copy of the court order? If it specifies the dates for collection then next week they would be able to refuse to allow collection by dad because it is not his weekend-if it doesn't specify dates then that's slightly trickier. Also, this depends on how strong your child's school is-someone would be scared of the confrontation with dad.

Do you want the school to ring you or him on the weekends he's supposed to collect-it may be his weekend but I'd have preferred the call to come to me.

I would email the school, tell them there is a court order in place and either have an email conversation to clarify what the school need to do if this happens again. If you meet with someone take notes and reiterate it in an email to the Head and DSL (Designated safeguarding lead) -sounds OTT perhaps but you need your ducks in a row.

It's not unusual for men to go to court for access then not turn up-when this happens it's about punishing and upsetting the mum rather than actually seeing their children

If you think he'll collect on Friday then pick her up after reg on Friday afternoon (so they get their afternoon mark) - depends upon the school if they accept no appointment card for the "dentist app" however if they've been marked in the register as present then they can't (or shouldn't) go back and unauthorise it.

Stand strong-you've got plans next week, he needs to grow up!

Taxistaxing · 07/01/2023 10:02

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

Did I miss the part in the OPs message where her ex asked her to swap weekends. @TulaDoesTheHula don't know if you are actually divorced and dealing with an immature ex that still expects his ex to effectively still do wife work eg arrange his timetable and second guess what his requirements are, but let me tell you THIS IS NOT THE OPs ISSUE and if you think it is you need to look at how much you roll over to accommodate selfish men

MajorCarolDanvers · 07/01/2023 10:02

The school can't police this. If a parent with PR turns up to collect a child then they need to hand the child over.

iamjustwinginglife · 07/01/2023 10:03

...and court orders usually mention Christmas, Mothers/Father's Day, children and parents birthdays-double check there's nothing in the court order to say he has your child when it's his birthday.

HarrysNeighbourhood · 07/01/2023 10:04

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

Why should she!?
If it's his birthday then he should have either arranged a babysitter or made plan that included his child. He is an adult and more than capable of it.

Taxistaxing · 07/01/2023 10:05

@holbolbol I've had this, don't offer to swap, he will get the message eventually. In fact I would be interested as to whether he even asks to swap (and then decline as you have plans).
The CAO is there so each parent knows what legally they are responsible for. If one parent can't be arsed, that's on them.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 10:06

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 10:00

Yes, I messaged him to say he's not picked up DD from school and he's playing games and he put 'ha what makes you think it's my weekend?' I replied that he knew quite well it's his weekend as per court order and he can pick up DD from mine if he wants to have her but I'll be keeping her next week. He didn't reply to that

WTAF

Sorry you're dealing with such a nasty peice of work

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 10:06

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/01/2023 09:57

or he could have been an adult, used his words and asked…

Show quote history

Well I presumed he did because OP somehow knows he wants to spend time with his child on his birthday but as it is her court ordered weekend, she’d already made plans hence why he’s resorted to this. I could be entirely wrong though as it didn’t even occur to me that he would act like this without even bothering to ask her first!

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 10:06

I'd make sure school are aware of the court order and that you are due to pick her up next week and he is not allowed to

Taxistaxing · 07/01/2023 10:07

@iamjustwinginglife my CAO doesn't mention parents birthdays but that maybe for good reason, so don't know if it's the norm.

Ariela · 07/01/2023 10:11

Definitely advise school of court order, get confirmation that he failed to pick up from school & pick her up early next week

iamjustwinginglife · 07/01/2023 10:12

Taxistaxing · 07/01/2023 10:07

@iamjustwinginglife my CAO doesn't mention parents birthdays but that maybe for good reason, so don't know if it's the norm.

I think it can depend upon what the parents have raised at court as the sticking points. For most it's not there but for some it is (I deal with them at work-not my own so I've seen a few!)

m00rfarm · 07/01/2023 10:17

If the ex wanted the court order, then he cannot chop and change. But clearly he is going to collect the child next week and it is not fair on the school to put them under this pressure. How about a dentist appointment after lunch on Friday?

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 10:19

HarrysNeighbourhood · 07/01/2023 10:04

Why should she!?
If it's his birthday then he should have either arranged a babysitter or made plan that included his child. He is an adult and more than capable of it.

Show quote history

Read the bloody OP! It’s his birthday next weekend and he WANTS to see his child but OP as already made plans as it’s her court ordered weekend so she can’t swap. I suggested offering the swap from the beginning precisely so he could see his child on his birthday.

I did however presume he had already asked OP in advance like a normal human being would and she said no due to already having plans hence why he’s pulled this stunt but it seems the waste of space didn’t.