Not collecting child from school

[holbolbol]

There is a court order in place for my DD (aged 5). On Friday, her father should have collected her from school for the weekend. The school rang me half an hour after closing to say that her dad had not collected her. He lives some distance away and luckily I was working from home and came straight away to collect her. I messaged her dad to say he was welcome to collect her from mine.

I strongly suspect this is not an oversight. Her dad has a habit of playing bizarre games like refusing to return her to me and other really malicious things. I suspect that he didn't collect her this weekend as it's his birthday next week and was trying to force a change in arrangements.

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

I would have done this. It sounds like he has actually asked too. Why would you refuse a reasonable request?

The OP clearly said he has never approached her about changing weekends. Even if he had and she'd said no, deliberately leaving his daughter waiting at school with no one to pick her up is a shitty thing to do.

On the contrary - it clearly states that he didn't ask, and that this was likely to have been deliberate because he likes playing games.

This is an abusive, controlling, manipulative man - the type who delights in pulling everyone's strings and watching them jump.

He intentionally left a small child alone and uncollected at school. Didn't inform the school he wasn't coming; didn't inform her mum he wasn't going to pick her up. It's not like he'd had an accident, was unwell, stuck behind a seven-car pile-up on the motorway - this was deliberate.

If anybody thinks that this is ever acceptable parenting, birthday or no birthday in the offing, then they want their heads looking at.

Who knows?! These type of men will do anything to control the situation

Why?? Why are us women ‘expected’ to offer the dads to swap weekends because it’s their birthday/Father’s Day etc???We single mums have the child almost full time, they have them 4 days a month…. I’m sure he knew when his birthday was and could’ve sent a polite message asking to swap! It’s not the job of us females to arrange our ex’s life’s for them!!
Also regardless of this request being made or not (which it wasn’t)…. There is no excuse to just decide you’re going to leave your very young child stood waiting for you then deny it’s your weekend to manipulate and control (abuse) your ex.
It astounds me that people defend abuse (which is what this is)…
Besides he’s a fully grown man… I’m sure he could’ve had an early celebration this weekend with his child… as adults we don’t really care about celebrating on the day… we have to get used to arranging things around school, family commitments etc. in his case his unwillingness to co-operate with his ex and communicate effectively. Also as stated she’s now got family plans for the weekend.. (again he should’ve asked a month ago to swap and she shouldn’t have to avoid making plans on his birthday just encase he wants to see his child.)

@T1Dmama
regardless of this request being made or not (which it wasn’t)…. There is no excuse to just decide you’re going to leave your very young child stood waiting for you then deny it’s your weekend to manipulate and control (abuse) your ex.

THIS ⬆.

There is a small, vulnerable child at the heart of this, and she is the one suffering the most.

Her mother is trying to cushion her from the worst of her father's manipulative, callous behaviour, but can only do so much.

Yes - OP could have asked him if he wanted his DD with him on his birthday, but why should she? He is an adult man, not a 4 year old. It's not up to her to arrange his diary or suggest a "playdate". He could have asked for a date swap if it was so important - he didn't. For all OP knew he might have got a new partner and be going away with her, or he might just be going to his mam's for his tea. OP doesn't know, OP doesn't care. His behaviour is no longer any of her business.

And she doesn't have to put her plans on hold on the off chance that he will make a U-trun in arrangements at the last minute. If he misses a weekend without prior arrangement or a damn good reason, then that's HIS problem - no-one else's.

With a guy like this I’d bet money on the fact that if the OP asked if he wanted to swap she’d have been “trying to sabotage a weekend away/adult meal out/other birthday event” he had planned.

You can never win with men like that.

Yup!

@SpacersChoice
I'm so sorry your family is going through the mill of it. I have met so many women that have been through this with men that are the father to their kids.
It's absolutely horrendous behaviour from the man and the court is very reluctant to do anything about it.
In my case my ex had physically assaulted me and my son so maybe that is why the police were able to arrest him as there was more 'risk' to me and the kids.
That however shouldn't be the case, it shouldn't have to get to complete crisis for a man's actions towards his kids and ex partner to have consequences.
The whole system disgusts me tbh.
It all boils down to women being seen as less 'worthy' than men instititionally and that being reflected in the legal system that supports family courts.

It all boils down to women being seen as less 'worthy' than men instititionally and that being reflected in the legal system that supports family courts.

Less "worthy", less "believable", less "stable"; more "hysterical", more "grasping", more "vindictive". Women try to do the best for their children, protect them from abusive fathers, ensure that they get the maintenance money they are legally entitled too for their children, and are dismissed because - well, because they are women and the system is basically misogynistic.

A woman who is calm and collected in court, is "hard as nails", one who breaks down is "unreliable" or "manipulative".

I'm not saying some women aren't - of course, not - but the vast majority put their children's well-being first and just want a nice calm life for their kids. They know that their children love their daddies and want to see them, so do their best to facilitate it - but they are often also dealing with unpleasant, vindictive men who use their children to maintain control over the woman who has asserted her right to leave them.

It's an horrendous situation.

Thanks for all your messages of support. It's been really helpful to know I'm not being difficult by standing my ground.

The school phoned me yesterday to say ex had been in touch to say he'd be collecting today. For their part, the school said they looked at the court order and know it was his weekend last weekend so I feel supported and that he's not able to gaslight me into pretending otherwise.

I've ended up keeping my daughter off school as I suspected he'd try and come to the school early and we've gone away for the weekend.

I still feel so anxious even though I know I'm not wrong people I worry about the response from him. There's a real injustice that he's acting confident as anything with no qualms and yet I'm a bag of nerves. Urgh

Good for the school. Hope you are setting off early, I'd love to be a fly on the wall at school later!

I think you made the right decision, good for you!
Now, relax and enjoy your break away 💐

Well done - and glad the school told you. Enjoy your weekend away and when you come back, I hope you will also take the advice to keep a detailed log of times when he does things like this and see your lawyer about potentially changing the court ordered access if he does this a lot - especially if he doesn't return your daughter on time

The school have a legal duty to uphold a court order too so they should definitely take the same approach that you do. All I would say is that they also have a legal duty to ensure that your child is getting an education so may not appreciate you keeping her home today. You want to be whiter than white. Perhaps if this happens again you could speak to the school and arrange to collect her at lunchtime if you're worried he'll arrive early, present it as a way of protecting her from unnecessary anxiety if he's going to be difficult or aggressive. That way you're working with them. I'm surprised they didn't contact him last week but perhaps they did and couldn't get hold of him. Either way, he's not painting a good picture of himself.

Anyway, switch your phone off and enjoy your weekend!

Would have been a win win for him, gets what he wanted and makes the non pick up last week look like your fault. The school's good to have contacted you, obviously they're not fooled by him either.
You can expect an angry phone call later I'm sure but you don't have to answer, enjoy your weekend Op😀

Good luck later maybe invite a neighbour or a friend around as a witness just in case he shows up having a mantrum

Thanks for sharing the latest, OP. I'm really sorry you had to go to those lengths for some peace from him.

What a pathetic loser he is - I would love to see his face when he turns up at the school this afternoon.

I wouldn’t tell him and let him attempt to collect 😂 I’d also block him for the weekend so he can’t ruin your time away!! Unblock him when you get back and just send him a photo of the court order (dates) as your response and simply say nothing else (at all)

This block him. Enjoy your weekend away with you DD.

Also ask for school to send you this in writing (that he called them saying he was collecting on his non weekend and also that he failed to collect last weekend on his weekend!.. you need to have a file where you keep evidence of all his manipulative behaviour encase you ever wind up in court again.
PLEASE BLOCK HIM FOR THE WEEKEND….

Thanks all. He's blocked for the weekend. I can't be drawn into his little games.

He actually phoned up the school this morning to find out whether DD was in and of course they had to tell him no. I've sent him a firm message saying it's not his weekend.

We have been to some fab museums in York this afternoon and back at the hotel and about to go swimming :)

You've not done anything wrong OP and it's sad you had to keep your DC off school due to worries about him trying to play games this week.

The school really ought to be keeping records of this, and I imagine they will be.

If it would make you feel better, you could ask to speak to the head or DSL, some schools they're the same person, and explain to them what's going on, that you have concerns that this will affect your DC and seek reassurance that they're keeping logs of his behaviour.

The fact that he has rung the school - twice! - and not bothered to contact you speaker volumes.

He KNOWS he is in the wrong.

*speaks, not speaker

(Sorry)