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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not collecting child from school

307 replies

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 08:52

There is a court order in place for my DD (aged 5). On Friday, her father should have collected her from school for the weekend. The school rang me half an hour after closing to say that her dad had not collected her. He lives some distance away and luckily I was working from home and came straight away to collect her. I messaged her dad to say he was welcome to collect her from mine.

I strongly suspect this is not an oversight. Her dad has a habit of playing bizarre games like refusing to return her to me and other really malicious things. I suspect that he didn't collect her this weekend as it's his birthday next week and was trying to force a change in arrangements.

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 07/01/2023 10:19

Fireflygal · 07/01/2023 08:56

I appreciate your frustration but what is best interests for the child? Has he failed to have her this weekend?

What's best for her dd is not being used as a pawn in her father's mind games. Oh, and not being left uncollected at school.

Lalaland2000 · 07/01/2023 10:19

Not excusing the behaviour around school pick up which I agree is totally unacceptable, but have you considered whether your DC would want to be with their DF on his birthday? I agree his approach is immature but maybe worth stepping back quickly and checking if your plans are q preventing your DC being in moments they would rather not miss? (I say this as a parent in a blended family)

Hellybelly84 · 07/01/2023 10:21

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

Why??? Its his weekend to have his daughter (presumably he looks forward to this all week?), so he can make birthday plans another time. If he prioritises birthday plans over seeing his daughter, then he’s failed as a dad and doesn’t deserve the time with her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2023 10:22

I’d not send your dd in or pick her up early as others have said. I would also ask the school to confirm in writing what happened and give them a copy of the court order. Your poor dd. I hope she wasn’t too distressed.

JanglyBeads · 07/01/2023 10:22

Yup school can't prevent him taking her at any point, however they might be prepared to stall if they have the court order and a schedule of dates.

They should know which parent to contact if no one turns up, however they can't be expected to keep track of whose weekend it is unless they are told.

salemsongbird · 07/01/2023 10:23

Make school aware, and inform them you'll be picking her up early next Friday. Then go somewhere, not to your house as he could turn up - out for cinema & dinner or something like that?

salemsongbird · 07/01/2023 10:23

And yes - ask school if they'll confirm in writing what happened and keep this as evidence. Also his texts.

TallTalesForShortAdults · 07/01/2023 10:24

If he hadn't have pulled this shit with the school pick up I'd have said you were being unreasonable for not letting him see her on his birthday because I think a bit of give and take is what's needed for successful co parenting.

But yeah to leave his own child at school to get at you for not doing so is all kinds of wrong and cruel and I'd be telling him to swivel about the swap now.

TallTalesForShortAdults · 07/01/2023 10:25

Hellybelly84 · 07/01/2023 10:21

Why??? Its his weekend to have his daughter (presumably he looks forward to this all week?), so he can make birthday plans another time. If he prioritises birthday plans over seeing his daughter, then he’s failed as a dad and doesn’t deserve the time with her.

Show quote history

Another one? Read the thread.

He WANTED to see his daughter on his birthday next weekend which is why he asked to swap this weekend to next so that he could but OP said no. It's really not hard to understand.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/01/2023 10:26

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

What part of this is court-ordered contact because ex is a manipulative shit did you miss?

BabyFour2023 · 07/01/2023 10:26

Definitely don’t swap! He missed his weekend and left your child at school waiting. He now has to wait until his next weekend.

Igotthegoose · 07/01/2023 10:28

his Daughter got left in school and he replied with a ‘ha?’

make sure you take screenshots of his texts and save them for safe keeping as he sounds like a sort of person who will do the same for his own benefit in the future. You might need it for court evidence again in the long term.

Your poor girl. I am sorry. We have the same here with my SD but it’s reversed with her mum, the amount of times she’d played games and left her way after after school club. We dropped her off for her week on the summer holidays once to find she’d gone abroad and didn’t tell us earlier because she’d already booked it. It’s heartbreaking for the child it really is.

Hellybelly84 · 07/01/2023 10:29

TallTalesForShortAdults · 07/01/2023 10:25

Another one? Read the thread.

He WANTED to see his daughter on his birthday next weekend which is why he asked to swap this weekend to next so that he could but OP said no. It's really not hard to understand.

Show quote history

Read it wrong then, but still a total idiot for not picking his daughter up. I feel awful if im 2 minutes late and see them stood with the teacher. Poor girl.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/01/2023 10:30

Did he actually ask to swap weekends? Or just start playing games?
Does your daughter like staying with him?

Do you have anything from the court stating which weekend you have her and which weekends he has her? I would email the school the schedule and put them on alert that next weekend he may try and vary the court order and your daughter is not to be released to anyone but you. He may try and do something sneaky eg try and pick her up early for a doctors appointment or something

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 07/01/2023 10:30

TallTalesForShortAdults · 07/01/2023 10:25

Another one? Read the thread.

He WANTED to see his daughter on his birthday next weekend which is why he asked to swap this weekend to next so that he could but OP said no. It's really not hard to understand.

Show quote history

He DIDN’T ask to swap. He just didn’t turn up to collect his daughter to try and force a swap for next week. There is a massive difference. We don’t know if the OP would have said yes if he asked, in reasonable time, to swap weekends, as that isn’t what has happened here.

Movingonup2023 · 07/01/2023 10:31

@holbolbol definitely inform the school. I’d ask for a meeting , share the court order and ask if it happens again to not wait so long. This way the school are well informed - always so important. Schools are not there to judge, it’s all about what’s best for the child. The more information they have the easier it is to understand and support family dynamics. Also if you ever need to return to court because he is continuing this behaviour then the school can support all the times he failed to turn up.

Headabovetheparakeet · 07/01/2023 10:33

Fireflygal · 07/01/2023 08:56

I appreciate your frustration but what is best interests for the child? Has he failed to have her this weekend?

I think it's safe to assume that collecting your child from school is in their best interests.

Why the fuck do so many women try to bend over backwards for these pathetic men?

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 10:35

Hellybelly84 · 07/01/2023 10:21

Why??? Its his weekend to have his daughter (presumably he looks forward to this all week?), so he can make birthday plans another time. If he prioritises birthday plans over seeing his daughter, then he’s failed as a dad and doesn’t deserve the time with her.

Show quote history

Read the OP again, you have the wrong end of the stick.

TallTalesForShortAdults · 07/01/2023 10:37

OP hasn't actually answered if he asked or not, the fact that she is aware of his reasoning for leaving her at school to try and force the change suggests to me that he likely has mentioned it but she has plans next weekend so said no and this is his retaliation.

But regardless, the issue isn't that he doesn't want his child on his birthday like people keep going on. The only people who've suggested a swap would be reasonable if he asked aren't saying it so he can go out on the piss, they are saying it so he can see his daughter on his birthday, not so he can't. And yes if he'd asked in reasonable time I'd think that would have been the best thing to agree to in OPs situation.

tinybyxor · 07/01/2023 10:37

He sounds very similar to my ex. Anything to exert some control over a situation. Heaven forbid you 'get one over him' as he will see it. It's so draining having to deal with these men when if you didn't have a child together, you'd never see them again. The worst part is seeing your children suffer as they carry on to attempt to control and manipulate and you know that they actually don't care about your child/children at all, because if they did, they would never involve them in their pathetic games but you still have to carry on facilitating the relationship.

Anything I would advise has already been mentioned above. Speak to the school, keep a record of everything and don't budge on the court order.

Best of luck to you and your daughter

U1sce · 07/01/2023 10:38

I dont read it as him having asked, I read it as OP has dealt with his shit before and is fully expecting him to want to change weekends but hasn't asked and that's why OP is digging her heels in about not changing

Original poster
holbolbol · 07/01/2023 10:38

To confirm, he never approached me to swap weekends. If he had, we could have come to an agreement. The onus is on him to ask me, not just not turn up on his weekend to try and force my hand.

OP posts:
Dumpstertruck · 07/01/2023 10:39

OP hasn't actually answered if he asked or not, the fact that she is aware of his reasoning for leaving her at school to try and force the change suggests to me that he likely has mentioned it but she has plans next weekend so said no and this is his retaliation.

OR it's simply the fact that because he's her ex she remembers when his birthday is and knows what the fucker is like?!?! 🙄

piedbeauty · 07/01/2023 10:39

Just read your update. He's an inconsiderate selfish bellend who clearly doesn't care about his daughter's feelings. Your poor girl.

Stick to your guns, op.

Headabovetheparakeet · 07/01/2023 10:39

As someone who was also used as a pawn from a young age during a messy divorce, I have to say that I'm horrified that some posters on this thread are making excuses for this man.

Deliberately hurting your child so you can get your own way and 'win' is never ok. I honestly despair at times.