Not collecting child from school

[holbolbol]

There is a court order in place for my DD (aged 5). On Friday, her father should have collected her from school for the weekend. The school rang me half an hour after closing to say that her dad had not collected her. He lives some distance away and luckily I was working from home and came straight away to collect her. I messaged her dad to say he was welcome to collect her from mine.

I strongly suspect this is not an oversight. Her dad has a habit of playing bizarre games like refusing to return her to me and other really malicious things. I suspect that he didn't collect her this weekend as it's his birthday next week and was trying to force a change in arrangements.

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

I'm just guessing this is what his thinking was from past experiences.

Then you're absolutely right. He should have asked.

Of course it is. He sounds like a manipulative, immature twat.

He hasn't asked to change weekends yet, so while it's smart to preempt this, I wouldn't jump to conclusions and react to something that hasn't happened yet.

I wouldn’t have told him where she was.

if he doesn’t choose to know which is his weekend and which isn’t that is up to him.

As for the “ha what makes you think it's my weekend”

I think I would have replied “the date”

I would alert the school and possibly arrange to collect her a bit early next friday

Has anyone made an excuse? I think all people have said is that this school incident aside, if he'd have asked, it would have been reasonable for OP to agree to swapping the weekends seen as it's his birthday.

But with this collecting incident, he's a twat and I'd be telling him to jog on because he shouldn't be using his daughter like that, it's cruel and doesn't show a great deal of care!

I'm sorry your dealing with such an idiot. I'm also so sorry your little one was left without being picked up.

Echo what others have said if possible try and get written confirmation that he didn't pick up.

Also I know it's hard but when messaging with him I would stick to the facts and not enter into any other conversation. Ie about him playing games .. he wants you to do that!

I know that's hard but I would literally stick to being matter of fact. He sounds like he wants to wind you up

I'd be expecting him to turn up early to the school next week to collect her. If you don't preempt this, then that's on you. Personally I'd have asked if he wanted her on his Birthday, for her benefit. You both seem to enjoy cryptic communication. It's only your DD who is going to suffer. Do you not celebrate birthdays? Wouldn't it be usual for her to make a card etc?

Why is it on OP to 'preempt' bad behaviour by her ex? Why isn't it on the ex to stick to the court agreement? Some women are so desperate to excuse men of everything, it's depressing.

Why should OP change her plans for the ex when the ex has form for being unreliable and letting his dd down? 🙄🙄

Don’t engage with him. You did the best possible thing by collecting her and giving him a chance to pick her up if it was a genuine issue. It clearly wasn’t.

Make a note of this and anything else he’s done to let her down. Keep it for court if you want to challenge his amount of custody at any point (or if he challenges yours!).

Ignore any requests to swap and stick to next planned contact.

Why is a woman’s job to anticipate her ex’s wants? He might want to see his DD on his birthday or he might not, but it is up to him to make his wants known not on the OP to waste headspace and guess what his plans are.

As for cryptic messages, where has the OP been cryptic? She texted him after he didn’t show up, quite straight forward and clear.

Her ex is playing games, yet you think that she (as a mum/woman) should be jumping before he has even asked her too.

What rubbish. There is a court order in place and OP does not have to run around after ex 2nd guessing his plans. He failed to pick up his child instead of discussing the matter like a normal human being. Where would the child be if mum had decided to go away that day and was non contactable. Totally out of order.

OP thinking ahead to next weekend and the future, I would provide school with a copy of the court order which states when he should be collecting her and ask them not to release her to him on your weekends.

The school will also know that it’s his fault if he fails to pick her up on his weekends again and can confirm this to the courts if necessary.

Totally agree with @Whowhatwherewhenwhynow evidence of him not collecting your DD is a good idea.

it is up to him to change plans in advance not force your hand when it suits him.

I would get to school extra early next Friday.

Don’t let him take her

That he would distress his own daughter like this, by leaving her uncollected, is terrible.

I had this over many years with my gs who lives with me. Not turning up for 2 hours to force a weekend change in the order to try and gain a weekend at christmas for example. Or turning up on the wrong weekend and trying to take him if we walked down the street. Whilst the courts go on about flexibility, it must be mutual.

I learnt after one weekend I was bullied into to stand firm. The court told us extra time must be repaid so I told him that he had had an extra weekend and the Judge said it must be repaid. He was furious but I stuck to the order in future. I firmly told them he and his parents could not just take gs when it was not their weekend. He was also told that if he did not collect gs on his weekend, he would not get a replacement weekend.

Not everyone is like this of course but the main issue is that it hurts the child involved. I always remember seeing my gs's face when he realised his dad was not turning up and had not bothered to let us know. Yet he insisted on collecting at school and mocking and ridiculing me and his brother who sadly were at the same school for collection.

Some of these messages are unbelievable. Of course the OP shouldn't have to anticipate her ex's wishes and offer to change weekends. He is an adult and meant to be a responsible parent, the onus is 100% on him to use his words like a big boy and ask in advance if he wants something instead of fucking up his 5 year old daughters day to make a point.

OP just stick to facts and yr DD's well being. Also, you need to ensure no one can accuse you of being obstructive.

"School informed me that you had not arrived therefore they asked me to pick DD, who obviously was the last child waiting, up instead.

What happened?"

It's definitely in the best interests of the child that she has a mother who is able to assert (very reasonable) boundaries even against someone who is deliberately manipulative. It is alsoin the child's best interests to have stable, reliable arrangements. If OP allows manipulative behaviour, especially where it directly negatively impacts DD (imagine being abandoned at school at 5 years old and not knowing whether or not your dad is going to come collect you for the weekend) it will only encourage it.

Ideally you'd have talked about his birthday before and changed weekends but he's not that sort of man, is he? He won't ask, he wants to force the change, so then he feels he's won_ what an utter arsehole. How can he possibly justify leaving your DD waiting 30 minutes getting distressed so he can have his own way.
Agree with @Thatiswild , explain to the school and get it on record but get to school an hour before the end of day and get your DD away. Now you've told him no to next week he'll be hell bend on getting his own way

Yesssss 💯

Yes which is why I said he’s a dick ffs, I haven’t excused him.

My comment was also made on the presumption that he did ask to swap weekends in advance but OP couldn’t because she already had plans since it was her court ordered weekend. This is based on the fact that OP seems to know that he wants to see his child on his birthday and that’s why he’s pulled this whole stunt - the ex hasn’t actually asked to swap weekends yet or mentioned his birthday after failing to turn up so I assumed she knew this was the reason based on prior conversations.

OP has now clarified in a later update that he did not ask to swap weekends in advance so my comment is irrelevant.

It’s his birthday next week, not this weekend. And even so, be only has his daughter EOW, so could have made his plans for next weekend. He has a child. He doesn’t get to do as he pleases and mess around with a court order because he can’t check his calendar properly. His child should be his priority. Dh manages to celebrate his birthday without leaving his child uncollected at school. It infuriates me that he thinks that is acceptable. What would have happened if the OP was 2 hours away, who would have collected the poor child then?

Get everything in writing from the nursery and take it back to court. Get the order amended if he is being a twat. Your poor child waiting for someone to get her and no one comes. He is nasty and in no way child focused. He is going to give this child anxiety if he changes plans and rules all the time, the child will be going to his home terrified she won’t see you again. It’s not on.