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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not collecting child from school

307 replies

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 08:52

There is a court order in place for my DD (aged 5). On Friday, her father should have collected her from school for the weekend. The school rang me half an hour after closing to say that her dad had not collected her. He lives some distance away and luckily I was working from home and came straight away to collect her. I messaged her dad to say he was welcome to collect her from mine.

I strongly suspect this is not an oversight. Her dad has a habit of playing bizarre games like refusing to return her to me and other really malicious things. I suspect that he didn't collect her this weekend as it's his birthday next week and was trying to force a change in arrangements.

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 09:20

I wouldn’t even suggest him picking her up from your house. Leave that for him to suggest. Does she even want to go now?

MattDamon · 07/01/2023 09:20

Personally I’d ask the school to send you an email confirming what had happened (eg that father hadn’t collected her as planned and so you had to collect her). So you have ‘evidence’ of his choosing to not have contact.

This. Always document things like this, even if they seem small at the time.

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 09:22

Rainbowqueeen · 07/01/2023 09:11

@TulaDoesTheHula surely you’d want your child there with you to celebrate with you??? It never would have occurred to me that he would do this.

OP I’d stand firm. If nothing else he needs to act like an adult and communicate with you if he wants to swap weekends not do things by stealth

I think you tagged the wrong person or are confused about what I said!

converseandjeans · 07/01/2023 09:26

@TulaDoesTheHula

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

Is it a thing that you don't see your children if it's your birthday weekend? So you can go out or something? I always see mine. A grown up should be able to sort out his social calendar to take this into account.

It's a good job you were around. It must be so confusing for a child to just not be collected. It's a good job the teachers were with her too. Who did he think was going to look after her?

Just stick with your plans. I don't know why you should change.

Original poster
holbolbol · 07/01/2023 09:29

Thanks all. I'm once again just aghast that someone would deliberately not pick up a small child to play these games. It's unhinged.

Would you write to school and alert them about next week? Are there any teachers who could advise what they'd do? I hate the thought that they think I'm the negligent one.

OP posts:
Forgetaboutme · 07/01/2023 09:30

Op has he came back to you since yesterday?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 07/01/2023 09:30

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 09:29

Thanks all. I'm once again just aghast that someone would deliberately not pick up a small child to play these games. It's unhinged.

Would you write to school and alert them about next week? Are there any teachers who could advise what they'd do? I hate the thought that they think I'm the negligent one.

Meet with the head.

ShakespearesBlister · 07/01/2023 09:33

Is there any punishment for breach of the court order? Can you report it to the court?

Siameasy · 07/01/2023 09:33

Keep it simple-stick with the arrangements . Don’t change and yes, document. He’s boundary-pushing.

Fameinaframe · 07/01/2023 09:35

School should follow the court order.
It is not his weekend next Friday so legally they should NOT let the child go with him.
Ring them and make the above clear.
Yes he has PR but you have a court order that the child lives with you and he has set dates he has contact.
The school have a legal obligation here and they should follow it.

Rockbird · 07/01/2023 09:36

That's a shitty thing to do to a 5 year old. They hate being the last to be collected and a lot of kids get very upset when their parent doesn't turn up, understandably. To do it deliberately is awful.

Tinselandtiaras · 07/01/2023 09:39

I would meet with the head and hand over a copy of the court order for their records. Then I would explain you are worried he might take her in contravention of the court order. While if he has PR, they can’t stop him taking her, they will hold a child being collected unexpectedly in a safe place and contact the parent the child normally resides with to give you chance to sort out together who should collect. Ask for a copy of their separated parents policy. It should be detailed in that. Then after your meeting, email and thank the head teacher for meeting with you referring to the missed collection and the court order that you have given them to create a paper trail.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 09:41

Ok does the school realise the court order is in place. If not make them aware and arrange to meet the head and provide her a copy so they know who should be collecting and when.

mid be expecting the school to contact father regarding not collecting the child too. It was his responsibility and they should be considering it a flag for safeguarding issues.

HippeePrincess · 07/01/2023 09:41

I’d have got the school to call him first as it was his designated weekend.
I would not swap weekends and I would make the school aware of what you think he might intend to do next week. Could you give them a copy of the schedule so they know who to expect on which Fridays?

HoppingPavlova · 07/01/2023 09:43

Is the school aware of the court order? Do they have a copy? Where I am it’s part of school enrolment, they ask these things in the enrolment form and must have a copy of one is in effect.

Make sure they have this, inform them he didn’t collect on his time per the order so this can be documented and get them to ensure pick up is as per the order next week.

oudie · 07/01/2023 09:46

Has he responded to your message? Like is he actually ok? Not turning up and completer silence would be a concern to me

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2023 09:46

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 09:29

Thanks all. I'm once again just aghast that someone would deliberately not pick up a small child to play these games. It's unhinged.

Would you write to school and alert them about next week? Are there any teachers who could advise what they'd do? I hate the thought that they think I'm the negligent one.

Did you not tell the school dad was supposed to collect?

I bloody would have

Thatiswild · 07/01/2023 09:47

All of the above. If you are at all concerned that the school will slip up in some way or that they might not understand or it might cause a drama at the gates for your child next week, I’d pick your child up early yourself so that none of that can happen, a friend of mine had to do this several times. She spoke to the Head and she was supportive of this as it was in the best interests of the kids. She used to pick them up 30 mins early when it was her week - and he often turned up at pickup, huffing about. So sorry for your daughter, such a horrible thing to happen. The friend I mentioned had this happen too and was actually away for the weekend. Funnily enough he could turn up straight away when she couldn’t! Such controlling behaviour with no thought for your child.

Biscuits1011 · 07/01/2023 09:49

Maray1967 · 07/01/2023 09:00

Alert the school so they know he cannot collect her next Friday- he might turn up early to try to take her.

If he has parental responsibility the school cannot stop him taking her.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 09:49

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 09:29

Thanks all. I'm once again just aghast that someone would deliberately not pick up a small child to play these games. It's unhinged.

Would you write to school and alert them about next week? Are there any teachers who could advise what they'd do? I hate the thought that they think I'm the negligent one.

Yes escalate

CombatBarbie · 07/01/2023 09:50

Biscuits1011 · 07/01/2023 09:49

If he has parental responsibility the school cannot stop him taking her.

Show quote history

If there's a court order for EOW then school can inform mum if he showed up to try take her.

drspouse · 07/01/2023 09:50

Did school ring him yesterday? If so then document that and his response.

JuneOsborne · 07/01/2023 09:52

He did it on purpose? He left a 5 year old child at school, didn't let them know, you know, just left her standing there? Not knowing if he'd forgotten her, or had had an accident or what?

What a nasty cunt. Who does that? To a 5 year old? I'm honestly so angry that there are men out there who call themselves father's who do this shit. Poor kid.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 09:53

Has he got back to you?

Is he dead maybe? Or hospitalised? If not then yes he's a massive arse and you should do everything in your power to stop him playing these sick games

justforthisnow · 07/01/2023 09:54

OP has he been in touch since, or collected her from yours?