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Original poster

Not collecting child from school

307 replies

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 08:52

There is a court order in place for my DD (aged 5). On Friday, her father should have collected her from school for the weekend. The school rang me half an hour after closing to say that her dad had not collected her. He lives some distance away and luckily I was working from home and came straight away to collect her. I messaged her dad to say he was welcome to collect her from mine.

I strongly suspect this is not an oversight. Her dad has a habit of playing bizarre games like refusing to return her to me and other really malicious things. I suspect that he didn't collect her this weekend as it's his birthday next week and was trying to force a change in arrangements.

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

OP posts:
TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 11:05

Cleothecat75 · 07/01/2023 11:03

It’s his birthday next week, not this weekend. And even so, be only has his daughter EOW, so could have made his plans for next weekend. He has a child. He doesn’t get to do as he pleases and mess around with a court order because he can’t check his calendar properly. His child should be his priority. Dh manages to celebrate his birthday without leaving his child uncollected at school. It infuriates me that he thinks that is acceptable. What would have happened if the OP was 2 hours away, who would have collected the poor child then?

Show quote history

Read the OP and my other posts as you’ve misunderstood what I was trying to say.

Singleandproud · 07/01/2023 11:05

Don't swap this yea however I would have added into the court order that DD spends Mothers/Fathers day and parental birthdays with the relevant parent - this works in your favor too, not necessarily a weekend swap but the actual day.

Then I would go out and buy one of those thin calendars and write on it 'mum's weekend', 'dad's weekend' and then in a different colour throughout the year add any swaps or any time he plays stupid games like last night.

Abraxan · 07/01/2023 11:07

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

Don't change just because he wants you too. Even more so when you have plans.
Any changes should be mutually agreed in advance and benefit your child too.
If he didn't collect her this weekend, then he misses his weekend.

Headabovetheparakeet · 07/01/2023 11:08

@TallTalesForShortAdults

The poster saying op should have offered to swap so he could have her on his birthday did give me that impression, yes.

Along with the comment focussing on ops frustration and completely ignoring the impact this would have had on the child.

Singleandproud · 07/01/2023 11:08

Posted too soon as my phone froze.

Anyway, I'd add onto my calendar anytime he messed about, the day I informed him of any holidays I had booked that went over into his time, I tend to give atleast 6 months notice and offer the time back.

I'd then keep the calendar in a drawer not on the wall and everytime he argued the date with me I'd send him a photo of the calendar.

Fuuuuuckit · 07/01/2023 11:09

If your dc is subject to a court order this should ABSOLUTELY be on the school's radar. A child not being collected from school should trigger a cause for concern which would be investigated by the designated safeguarding officer.

On Monday ask to speak to the DSO and ask them to document that dc was not collected by him on Friday and that dc should not, under any circumstances be released to him next week. Insist that they make a note to contact you if he appears during the school day.

Abraxan · 07/01/2023 11:10

Alert the school so they know he cannot collect her next Friday- he might turn up early to try to take her.

We can't prevent a parent with parental responsibility from taking their child.
If we know there is an issue, in advance, we can delay the pick up as much as possible. This is obviously much easier if it's during the school day, rather than after school, as we can have the child moved to a different area of school whilst phone calls are made.

It's a very difficult position for schools though and we can only do so much.

toocold54 · 07/01/2023 11:14

I would the school and explain the situation and how it’s court ordered.

When dropping her off on a Friday morning I would remind the teacher that it’s his day to pick her up and to ring him first if he isn’t there and then you afterwards.

And remind them Friday morning that it’s your day and she can only go with you unless you’ve spoken to the teacher and given them verbal permission.
I would also try and get there early.

I wouldn’t swap weekends at all for the foreseeable as this will give him an excuse to ‘forget’ which weekends are his.
It will also make it much more difficult for school to know who she is meant to be going home with.

I will give the teacher and reception a list of dates of who is having her on which Friday.
So if he turns up they can quickly check and see that it’s not his day and ring you to confirm.

Do not let him have her next weekend.
You did the right thing by texting him saying he could collect her from yours.

Did he have her last Friday?
If not, then there’s no way he can deny that it’s not his weekend this weekend.

Coconut212 · 07/01/2023 11:16

Worrying so many are saying you should have swapped weekends when he’s not even asked to swap weekends, why is the mum the baddie in this. He left his child at school, what if mum was away for the weekend and no local family. It would have been a call to social services. Contact the court he’s broke his court order he’s an arsehole

Boshi · 07/01/2023 11:22

Can’t believe some of the posters on here. Since when is it OPs responsibility to make sure ex enjoys his bday with his daughter 😂 it’s a joke the lengths some people will go to to excuse fathers of any responsibility.

OP don’t swap weekends or he will use this tactic in the future. I would email the school or speak to the headteacher and make them aware of the situation, and also that he is not to collect your daughter next friday.

What a man child, don’t enable it OP he’s not your problem anymore.

percypal · 07/01/2023 11:22

HE should have asked if he wanted her for his birthday. It was not on OP to offer. The guy sounds like a twat.

AussiUnHomme · 07/01/2023 11:27

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

I think it's a bit dickish to suggest that she becomes a doormat to her dick ex.

MeinKraft · 07/01/2023 11:28

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

The rest of us don't get to opt out of being a parent when it's our birthday.

titchy · 07/01/2023 11:30

Make a note. Don't deviate from the order. Once he's breached it a couple more times, back to court for a variation.

percypal · 07/01/2023 11:32

@MeinKraft are you missing that the OP thinks he wants to have her for his birthday not the other way around?

The ability to misread an OP is astonishing at times!

Reugny · 07/01/2023 11:36

piedbeauty · 07/01/2023 10:49

Why is it on OP to 'preempt' bad behaviour by her ex? Why isn't it on the ex to stick to the court agreement? Some women are so desperate to excuse men of everything, it's depressing.

Why should OP change her plans for the ex when the ex has form for being unreliable and letting his dd down? 🙄🙄

Show quote history

If your ex is an a-hole until they prove consistently otherwise, it is on you to be on guard they will continue to be one.

"When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time."

HealthTestsAnxiety · 07/01/2023 11:47

TulaDoesTheHula · 07/01/2023 08:58

He’s a dick to do that.

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

nope

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/01/2023 12:02

To be honest though, if it’s birthday, I think you should have offered to swap weekends right from the beginning and not gone ahead and made plans yourself.

How old is he? Six?

He isn't a small child for whom a birthday celebration on a particular day is the be all and end all. He's a grown man.

If he wants to share birthday celebrations with his DD than he gets in touch with OP and arranges to swap. If he doesn't do this then he sticks to his own weeks.

And he obviously doesn't think so much of his DD if he is prepared to leave her alone and feeling abandoned at school just to try to get his own way. What a cruel thing to do.

This isn't wanting to have his child with him on his birthday; this is controlling and manipulative behaviour. OP needs to stand her ground otherwise he will just turn up as and when he likes.

SD1978 · 07/01/2023 12:03

@holbolbol - how frequently does he have her? Is it fortnightly? I would ensure I was at the school a little early if you think he's just going to turn up next week- but if he does, what's your plan? As I assume your daughter would be confused/ distressed to see you both there. Can you (is it worth) sending a message stating you last saw her on x weekend. This was your weekend, you can pick her up from school on y date, which is the next court ordered time. Would you like me to remind you on your weeks, or are you ok with the schedule again now? Or would that just exacerbate the situation?

SD1978 · 07/01/2023 12:05

And if a birthday is that important to him (and it isn't to everyone) why the feck should mum have to bend over backwards and offer to Cheng things, when dad is just as sodding capable of asking? He knows when his birthday is, they separated, it's not her job to keep flipping arranging things in his behalf now!!

Chocolatetrifle · 07/01/2023 12:14

I think the fundamental issue here is that he is in breach of a court order. He is not acting in the best interests of the child.You need to notify your solicitor here as the court need to be aware. This is more important than when the birthday is, shall the weekend be swapped etc.

SchnauzerEyebrows · 07/01/2023 12:15

Mumsanetta · 07/01/2023 10:54

OP thinking ahead to next weekend and the future, I would provide school with a copy of the court order which states when he should be collecting her and ask them not to release her to him on your weekends.

How on earth do you expect schools to keep on top of every child's parent's custody schedule? I mean I'm sure there's a few kids with married parents but sadly I'd expect the majority have parents who co-parent.
My child's class has 30 kids! Imagine if they all did what you're suggesting!? Each class would need a member of staff purely for this role!

RoyalStallion · 07/01/2023 12:16

What’s the exact wording of the court order? Every other week? First in the month? Is it tight enough that it can be interpreted, some time later, clearly?

SchnauzerEyebrows · 07/01/2023 12:17

Abraxan · 07/01/2023 11:10

Alert the school so they know he cannot collect her next Friday- he might turn up early to try to take her.

We can't prevent a parent with parental responsibility from taking their child.
If we know there is an issue, in advance, we can delay the pick up as much as possible. This is obviously much easier if it's during the school day, rather than after school, as we can have the child moved to a different area of school whilst phone calls are made.

It's a very difficult position for schools though and we can only do so much.

If there's a court order then yes you can!

RoyalStallion · 07/01/2023 12:19

As a teacher it’s very difficult to hold a child. If a parent has PR they can collect the child, you can’t legally keep a persons child against their will unless you have a clear and immediate safeguarding concern or proof they don’t have PR. It’s his child.

You either need a very very bomb proof court order in writing (not just every other week for example, but clear dates) or keep the child off.