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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL wanting to stay for 2 weeks after I give birth

181 replies

StaffordLou · 06/01/2023 16:59

I’m currently pregnant with my 1st, due in a few months. My mum passed a few years ago and our families are very excited about the new baby. My husband dropped last night that his mum wants to stay for 2 weeks after I have given birth to help out.
we get on with each other but this seems crazy to me! My husband completely regresses around his mum and ends up storming off leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I said I didn’t want this at all, he said I wasn’t being realistic about how difficult it will be with a newborn. I completely lost it and he has apologised!
an I being unrealistic? Everyone I know, friends and family haven’t had anyone move in with them to help and have been fine! We also live in a 1 bed room flat (not ideal with a baby coming but we have cladding issues - long story!).

sorry for the rant, I just need some perspective. Thanks!

OP posts:
Face2facet · 06/01/2023 17:02

Sounds like a horrendous idea! Really bad for your long term relationship with her. No one needs to see their MIL when exhausted and emotional, let alone have them stay with you. Stick to your guns.

orangegato · 06/01/2023 17:02

That’d send me under. I can’t take a day. Surely two people is enough to handle newborn.

bigbadbarry · 06/01/2023 17:04

My mum came for 2 weeks after each of my babies were born. She was brilliant and did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, held the baby to let me have a sleep and entertained the older children. If MIL is not going to do all that but would expect to be a guest, say no. If you think she’ll step up, it’s worth it

NameIsBryceQuinlan · 06/01/2023 17:04

Oh gosh no way would I want this not even my own mum. of course it's tiring at the beginning but it's also a special time

OopzIDidItAgain · 06/01/2023 17:04

Your husband is an idiot. It's up to him to pick up any slack, not your flipping mil.

So many problems with his so called solutions, I don't even know where to begin.

If mil doesn't have the same parenting style. Friction ensues.

If mil takes over. Resentment.

Mil can make you feel uncomfortable about breastfeeding, or vice versa and damage your feeding journey or if planning to bottle feed may undermine you.

If mil the most perfect ex super nanny person in the world he is still taking advantage of her. I assume it's because she has a vagina.

The only answer here you need is no.
Or no way you daft cunt, depending on how you feel.

Swimswam · 06/01/2023 17:04

Could she stay nearby?
Maybe a week after the birth? By then you might want some help.
Three people and a baby is a lot in a 1 bed place!

ICanHideButICantRun · 06/01/2023 17:05

There simply isn't the room for her to stay for that long. She can't sleep in the living room as you'll be spending some of the night there. Is she going to share a bed with her son and let you sleep on the sofa?

MajorCarolDanvers · 06/01/2023 17:06

My MiL came after my DH went back to work and stayed for 2 weeks. It was brilliant. Especially as I had a section and was still in severe pain.

WhenIAmOldIShallWearPurple · 06/01/2023 17:06

I think it depends. Would she come and do all the chores, cook meals, run to the shops to get nappies etc?

Or would she arrive and announce (quoting my own dear MIL here) "I'll take the baby so you can catch up on the housework" and then expect to be waited on?

Because if it's the former then you might be grateful for the help. The latter, then you need to put your foot down.

ZooMount · 06/01/2023 17:06

I'm expecting my 4th and I've never had anyone stay after to help, nor have I wanted anyone. Fine if you are happy for that kind of thing but it's not necessary and certainly not if it's a mil who is hard work! Couldn't think of anything worse!

BigHeadBertha · 06/01/2023 17:06

I think you are absolutely right. It was nice of MIL to offer but this one is up to you. You don't think it will help you and think it will be an added stress on you so MIL should not come. I did just fine without help besides my husband when he was home and I'm sure you will too.

It gives you a chance to bond as a family and to establish how you want to do things without any outside interference.

Beginningless · 06/01/2023 17:06

That would be a no fucking way from me!

MRSDoos · 06/01/2023 17:06

I’m due in May with our first child - a little boy. First grandchild on both sides and absolutely would HATE if my MIL came to stay after I give birth. Yes I imagine when baby is here it’ll take adjusting to but that’s for me and my husband to sort I don’t want his mother around telling me what to do or getting under my feet!

PrayingandHoping · 06/01/2023 17:07

If your husband not going to be around to help??

The first few weeks were hard because I'd had a c section but husband was there to help

When he went back to work my mum came for 10 days but I didn't neeeeeeed her there.

OopzIDidItAgain · 06/01/2023 17:07

Oh and as it's your first you may not know that you bleed after birth. It smells and you don't have as much time.for.personal hygiene as you'd like. Not to mention if you have birth injuries it can be painful.

I don't know many people who would want their mil around whilst they were bleeding, tired and getting to grips with a newborn.

Fritilleries · 06/01/2023 17:08

Not to mention starting breastfeeding and getting to grips with sleep deprivation. Say a firm no. Rinse and repeat.

SallyWD · 06/01/2023 17:09

Everyone will say its awful but my MIL for 3 weeks after the birth and it was amazing! She was such a huge help around the house, taking care of all the meals and cleaning etc. It meant DH and I could relax and bond with the baby.

youshouldnthaveasked · 06/01/2023 17:09

Nahhh absolutely fuck that! Tell your husband you don’t need her help and where the hell is she expecting to sleep?

it’s not a top and tail ideal kind of situation

Favouritefruits · 06/01/2023 17:10

Why not have your MIL visit to help after your DH goes back to work, no point having three adults looking after 1 baby but it can be daunting those first days when your partner goes back to work. If you’ve been up all night it might be nice to pass your baby to MIL and try and get a little extra sleep or have a nice hot bath.

LemonSwan · 06/01/2023 17:10

Surely that’s the entirety of your partners paternity leave too? No time to spend as a family.

Just say no.

LondonLovie · 06/01/2023 17:10

So I would suggest it's best to say, lovely offer but you'll see how you feel.

Those first few weeks are mental, difficult, amazing and tiring. You may bite her hand off in the future, but at the moment, to commit to having your MIL to stay straight after is a big deal. Equally if you ended up with a c section, you may well be glad she is there.

Won't your DH have the first two weeks off anyway? Perhaps she needs to come after he goes back to work

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 06/01/2023 17:12

Isn't this what paternity leave is for?
How much bonding will your dh do with the baby if his wife AND his mum are there. I'm assuming she lives too far for regular visits instead.
My mum stayed and it was hard to find my feet as a first time mum with her there. It was actually far more useful having her there when I had my second, as we could tag team with the children.

TrifledOut · 06/01/2023 17:13

I don’t know why women do this to each other. Would your MIL have wanted her MIL staying with her immediately after giving birth?! My MIL was the same. She wanted to stay for a month! It was an absolute NO from me and I got my DH on board pretty quickly.

If she really wants to be helpful, she should wait until you’ve given birth, got home, recovered and got into a bit of a routine. A few weeks or months in, you’ll inevitably be tired and might really appreciate her support. But the immediate period after birth? Hell no. What’s wrong with visiting? Why an extended overnight stay? I just don’t get this idea. Who wants house guests when they’ve just had a baby?!

NotMyDayJob · 06/01/2023 17:16

In sure some mother in law's are amazing, but I'd think even the best mother in law's are not amazing if there is no where to sleep. If you are in a one bedroom flat, you'll need the living room for one of you to go in at some point in the night. I mean has OH even thought about where she'll sleep because any scenario that doesn't involve you in your own bed and on the sofa when you need has to be a no.

A guest in a one bed would get in the way, even without factoring in a new born and all that goes with it.

Cimafunky · 06/01/2023 17:16

Providing you don't have a horrendous birth, and have a partner who has a basic level of common sense, post partum with a newborn isn't difficult. Yes, it's an adjustment but you'll be fine just the two of you (I didn't have any family offering to help, it would have been nice but we're all fine!).

A one bed also isn't feasible with 3 adults (fine with a couple and one child - smaller house means less the clean so you're winning). My DP use to take the baby Into our living room so I could rest in the bedroom and vice versa. I'd hate to have to be constantly making small talk with any family member with a tiny baby to look after.