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Original poster

MIL wanting to stay for 2 weeks after I give birth

181 replies

StaffordLou · 06/01/2023 16:59

I’m currently pregnant with my 1st, due in a few months. My mum passed a few years ago and our families are very excited about the new baby. My husband dropped last night that his mum wants to stay for 2 weeks after I have given birth to help out.
we get on with each other but this seems crazy to me! My husband completely regresses around his mum and ends up storming off leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I said I didn’t want this at all, he said I wasn’t being realistic about how difficult it will be with a newborn. I completely lost it and he has apologised!
an I being unrealistic? Everyone I know, friends and family haven’t had anyone move in with them to help and have been fine! We also live in a 1 bed room flat (not ideal with a baby coming but we have cladding issues - long story!).

sorry for the rant, I just need some perspective. Thanks!

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 06/01/2023 22:54

OopzIDidItAgain · 06/01/2023 22:33

Erm no. Acknowledgment that these practices tend to spring from misogyny is not racist.

You are allowed to criticize sexist practices in cultured such as India and Afghanistan without being racist.

There was a trafficking ring a few years ago that got away with it because the police were scared of cries of racism. That post was recommending a practice that has sprung up and is specifically needed because it is sexist.
Next you'll be telling me objecting to period huts is racist FFS.

I am objecting to you turning a discussion about post birth visiting into an attack on unrelated aspects of other cultures. I don't agree that a culture of community support after birth has anything to do with honour killings. Of course it will generally be women who support other women after birth.

Also I disagree completely with your point about the Rotherham sex scandal. Since when have the police cared about being seen as racist. Everyone knows they are institutionally racist. The reason those sex crimes were ignored is because the UK police are also deeply misogynistic and don't value teenage girls particularly those from disadvantaged backgrounds. Fear of being seen to be racist was a convenient excuse.

OopzIDidItAgain · 06/01/2023 23:02

Well I didn't start it the post presiding bullshit practices did. We will have to agree to disagree but do feel free to report any posts.
Btw you are derailing just as much at me, but at least I read the actual op.

MrsRR1 · 06/01/2023 23:09

StaffordLou · 06/01/2023 16:59

I’m currently pregnant with my 1st, due in a few months. My mum passed a few years ago and our families are very excited about the new baby. My husband dropped last night that his mum wants to stay for 2 weeks after I have given birth to help out.
we get on with each other but this seems crazy to me! My husband completely regresses around his mum and ends up storming off leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I said I didn’t want this at all, he said I wasn’t being realistic about how difficult it will be with a newborn. I completely lost it and he has apologised!
an I being unrealistic? Everyone I know, friends and family haven’t had anyone move in with them to help and have been fine! We also live in a 1 bed room flat (not ideal with a baby coming but we have cladding issues - long story!).

sorry for the rant, I just need some perspective. Thanks!

I didn't want my then MIL to stay after had my child but she did anyway. My ex husband didn't give me much choice.
She died suddenly of a blood clot a few weeks after she went home.
I am glad she had that time with her grandchild

diamondpony80 · 06/01/2023 23:10

We lived in a one bedroom flat for a while with our first. No problems looking after a newborn. My mum came to stay for a few days alright (slept on sofa bed in the living room) but I wouldn’t have wanted anyone around for 2 weeks, esp not MIL.

Lndnmummy · 06/01/2023 23:10

My mother in law came for 3 weeks with both mine. For my first I reacted like you but held my tounge out of fear of upsetting anyone. She was ace. I had such a rough time and she nursed me back to health. Told my midwife that breast wasn't always best and kept reassuring me I was doing the right thing. I begged her not to leave 😂. Six years later when I had my second she was my first call. Again she came and just carried us all through. Bossing dh around in a way I never could. I love her to bits. It was hard too obviously but I couldn't have managed without her.

CaptainMum · 06/01/2023 23:18

Can you suggest some nice b&b's, hotels or travel lodges nearby? Go in early with the options, making it clear staying with you is not an option.

LBFseBrom · 06/01/2023 23:22

bigbadbarry · 06/01/2023 17:04

My mum came for 2 weeks after each of my babies were born. She was brilliant and did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, held the baby to let me have a sleep and entertained the older children. If MIL is not going to do all that but would expect to be a guest, say no. If you think she’ll step up, it’s worth it

I think the same but will your husband be at home with you? If so you surely don't need anyone else and could ask her to come after he is back at work. She is obviously a good person if she is prepared to sleep on the sofa for two weeks.

frazzledasarock · 06/01/2023 23:23

Have you asked your husband where he’s going to put his mother for two weeks in your one bed flat?

knackeredmu · 07/01/2023 05:51

I think it's a lovely order from a kind place and j would tread gently.
You don't know how you'll be - everyone's labour and births are so different and having someone in the house doing all those things allows you to just focus on resting and establishing feeding.
I'd say yea but with a caveat that you have no idea what it will be like and if it's too much for her to leave.
She could be the best thing for you all in those first few weeks if you have a colicky baby that needs to be held all the time.

WandaWonder · 07/01/2023 05:58

We had my mum for 2 weeks she did the night feed so we could sleep and helped out during the day

It helped us

MaverickSnoopy · 07/01/2023 06:24

I think you need to do what you feel comfortable with. All newborns are different and yes it can be hard but i wouldn't have wanted to have done it with anyone other than my husband. Sure it might be helpful if they pop over and lend a hand but if you don't want them staying then, as you say, a hotel nearby for a few days where they visit.

Re your cladding issues. Can I ask what they are? My sister lives in a flat and had cladding issues but the law has just changed and they've now been resolved. I may be able to pass on useful information.

Folkishgal · 07/01/2023 06:40

If she will help with cooking/cleaning etc... Take her up on it, we are due our second and I would jump at the chance. However, if she will just turn up and be a guest and expect to be catered to absoloutley not.

ChubbyMorticia · 07/01/2023 06:48

Really, anything your MIL could do, your husband ought to in the two months he’s off. Housework, cooking, baby duty, etc.

Surgarblossom · 07/01/2023 06:57

Beginningless · 06/01/2023 17:06

That would be a no fucking way from me!

This 100%

StarsSand · 07/01/2023 07:14

Abso fucking lutely not.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 07/01/2023 07:33

I’m just finding it hard to envisage women walking around in blood stained knickers with their breasts out who are unable to pick up a used sanitary pad !

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 07/01/2023 07:34

Also why do they smell???

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 07/01/2023 08:37

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 07/01/2023 07:33

I’m just finding it hard to envisage women walking around in blood stained knickers with their breasts out who are unable to pick up a used sanitary pad !

Not sure you quite understand the unbearable heaviness of dragging your own body around in the week post-labour (you may be made if sterner stuff than me)! Even leaning over was a big undertaking in early days.

I went to stay near my DSis when she had DC1 as our DM is dead. I mostly popped in everyday to bring her lunch and hold the baby while she had a shower, prepped dinner, went to the shop etc. She said later it was nice to have that window in the day when she could rely on another pair of hands to help. I think we'd have killed each other if I'd actually stayed with them 😂

screamingchild202 · 07/01/2023 09:09

I think it might be nicer if she stayed in a nearby hotel. That way she could pop over to help out without being overwhelming.

She could also watch baby whilst you and hubby get some alone time. You could maybe go for a walk or grab some food whilst baby slept.

My mum did this for us. I'm EBF but she would just sit at home whilst baby slept so me and hubby could go for a drive or whatever. We stayed close by so if baby woke up we could get home quickly. I needed those moments.

Beanso · 07/01/2023 09:16

Don’t do it. My MIL came to stay when my first child was born. It completely ruined my first night at home with my newborn and my other half had to ask her to leave the following day. You need time to adjust to having a baby on your own. I assume DH will be on paternity leave? Maybe suggest she comes to stay for a couple of days when he goes back to work which would be a bigger help.

GreenDanglyearrings · 07/01/2023 09:26

Her offer to stay is coming from a kind place. She feels that she wants to care for you and make sure you are OK.

I don't think it needs to be a difficult conversation. Give her a genuine thanks for offering and tell her how lovely you think that she would do that.

Then be honest as say that you think it wouldn't work due to the flat being so tiny and 4 people being pushed together for too long with lack of sleep - is worrying you.

Then give her a hug and s jokingly say if you can run to her house if it gets too much 😁

SirMingeALot · 07/01/2023 09:32

Where do they both think she will sleep?

There are definitely some scenarios in which a relative coming to stay after birth is helpful, although there's usually more need for it after the father has had paternity leave. But I can't see how any of those apply in a one bed flat.

DRS1970 · 07/01/2023 09:32

Just decline her visit by saying you and baby need time to settle into routines, and you don't want anything potentially upsetting that.

Calphurnia88 · 07/01/2023 10:23

IME 2 weeks is too much, and if it is immediately after the birth it will undoubtedly get in the way of you and DP forming a bond with your newborn, as well as you and DP establishing your new relationship as a mum and dad. Not suggesting that it's going to cause long-term damage, but you and DP will never get that time back so you need to think carefully before letting someone else share that special time with you.

On a practical level, having another adult in the house to consider with a newborn isn't always helpful (speaking from experience with my DM), and I don't know how you're going to make this work logistically with only one bedroom.

Sympathies with the cladding, I have a flat affected too ❤️

Calphurnia88 · 07/01/2023 10:38

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 07/01/2023 07:33

I’m just finding it hard to envisage women walking around in blood stained knickers with their breasts out who are unable to pick up a used sanitary pad !

Try harder.

Not only was I bleeding heavily, I also came home with a catheter, which I had to wear because I couldn't pee. So I was literally staggering around with a bag of my own piss whilst trying to feed, change and hold my child.