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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wanting to stay for 2 weeks after I give birth

181 replies

StaffordLou · 06/01/2023 16:59

I’m currently pregnant with my 1st, due in a few months. My mum passed a few years ago and our families are very excited about the new baby. My husband dropped last night that his mum wants to stay for 2 weeks after I have given birth to help out.
we get on with each other but this seems crazy to me! My husband completely regresses around his mum and ends up storming off leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I said I didn’t want this at all, he said I wasn’t being realistic about how difficult it will be with a newborn. I completely lost it and he has apologised!
an I being unrealistic? Everyone I know, friends and family haven’t had anyone move in with them to help and have been fine! We also live in a 1 bed room flat (not ideal with a baby coming but we have cladding issues - long story!).

sorry for the rant, I just need some perspective. Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
StaffordLou · 06/01/2023 17:17

Thanks everyone! I feel like I was worried I was being a complete bitch but I’m getting really anxious even thinking about it. I couldn’t sleep properly last night worrying! I just know my husband is not going to tell her no, and I will have to have an awkward conversation.
I think I am just going to have to be firm with how and when she can visit, she just cannot stay with us and there needs to be time for us and other people to come and say hello.
also my husband luckily gets 2 months leave, so will around quite a lot at the start!
I just feel a bit guilt tripped, apparently she has said she feels bad because it’s what my mum would have done…I can confirm she would not, she would have come when I asked but not stayed any longer than I would have requested.

OP posts:
Namechanger965 · 06/01/2023 17:19

2 grown adults can manage one baby just fine. Sounds like he’s either parroting a line she’s told him (you not realising how difficult it will be). Or he’s lazy. Tell him that paternity leave is so he can help with the baby, not his mommy.

Scarecrowrowboat · 06/01/2023 17:21

Most people I know have had a parent come and stay for a bit and it does seem to take pressure off. I was thinking I'd have really liked my MIL to come and stay for a week after birth but then we had COVID and lockdowns. It really depends on your relationship though.

caramac04 · 06/01/2023 17:22

Ye gods no!

MargotChateau · 06/01/2023 17:22

I've had section, and a knarly one at that and DP are managing just fine. You don't need your MIL if DP is pulling his weight.

If regresses around her, it will be the LONGEST FUCKING TWO WEEKS OF YOUR LIFE!!! Don't do it @StaffordLou

LimeCheesecake · 06/01/2023 17:23

Given he gets 2 months off, I would say to MIl that you are so grateful he gets this time, but really want him to bond with the baby, which you don’t think he’ll do if other people are pushing him out, so want the first couple of weeks while you are recovering to be just the 3 of you.

SarahAndQuack · 06/01/2023 17:25

Woah ... he thinks you are being unrealistic?

In the first two weeks he presumably has paternity leave and his entire job is looking after you.

Realistically, I would suggest to him if his mum is keen to help out and near enough to make it work, it might be better if she does something like go to the shops for you, bring a meal to reheat, etc.

GreenManalishi · 06/01/2023 17:28

IF and only if, your relationship was really good with her, and your DHs relationship with her was really good, plus you had a spare room for her to sleep in.

Under the circumstances you're in, absolutely no way on earth.

I just know my husband is not going to tell her no, and I will have to have an awkward conversation.

He needs to deal with this, don't let him wiggle out of the door and avoid it leaving you to deal with this, you've got enough on. You need a person by your side who will lean in and do what's necessary to support you at the moment, not someone who will slide out of the door and leave you to deal with the shit.

Get your foot down, it's time he pulled his big boy pants up.

HaggisWurst · 06/01/2023 17:28

My mil turned up the day after I got out of hospital even though we told her to come a week later. she stayed only 3 nights and our relationship has never been the same because of how she acted that weekend and disregarded our wishes. I'm due our second in the next few weeks and this time she knows she's not coming in the first few weeks.
Don't do it, it will take away from your time with newborn and could ruin your relationship with mil

OopzIDidItAgain · 06/01/2023 17:29

my husband luckily gets 2 months leave

Seriously?
Seriously?

Honestly op you can tell op he is a big lazy manchild from me.
Send the sentiment to your mil and have her croquet it when your baby is born if you feel she needs busywork.

Oldnproud · 06/01/2023 17:32

It would work for some people, but you already know that it wouldn't work for you, so it has to be a very firm "Thank you for offering but no".

theremustonlybeone · 06/01/2023 17:33

Oh yes the old 'i want to help'. What does that actually mean when your in a 1 bedroom flat with a DH who is off anyway for 2 mths?

Does your DH know the reality of post birth? Is his mum going to be picking up your blood soaked pads, supporting you when your trying to breast feed when your breasts are engorged an painful. What tends to happen is the MIL hog the baby thinking 'they' are helping whilst you end up cleaning and cooking. Tell her to piss off and enjoy your new baby and tell your DH to cut the cord with his mother and understand your post birth recovery should be his priority

toomuchlaundry · 06/01/2023 17:36

How far away does she live?

saleorbouy · 06/01/2023 17:36

Having your first newborn is a big enough adjustment online for you as a mother, him as a father and you both as a couple.
You need your own space and time together to bond with your new one.
Why don't you suggest that it would be more supportive for her to assist with the laundry, and the odd meal rather than moving in.
It's your space so voice your opinion so that you feel comfortable with the arrangements.

saleorbouy · 06/01/2023 17:36

Online = for you

BatshitBanshee · 06/01/2023 17:36

You have a DH and a MIL problem. Your DH has to stand up to his mother now and your Mil needs to not assume what your mother would have done.

Or DH can find a new wife. And a new place to invite his mother round.

YANBU. I quite liked lactating and bleeding in peace on my terms while getting to know the little person I grew for 40 weeks.

yikesanotherbooboo · 06/01/2023 17:36

If your DH is off work your mil isn't needed. A tiny baby and one bedroom flat doesn't need three adults to keep it going.

monkeysmum21 · 06/01/2023 17:36

Horrible idea. It won’t work. You need your space to heal from labour and bond with the baby.
Also, explain to your husband that you may need to breastfeed in the living room if baby is crying during the night and you may need sleep during the day. There’s simply no space for a guest
I don’t have any family around and I did cope perfectly fine, and will you. Although she can pop every now and then with some ready meals.

milkymeg · 06/01/2023 17:40

Don't do it OP. My mum came for a week when DD was a month old and it was amazing to get some naps and help with the house but you're vulnerable when you first give birth. You won't want anyone around unless you're 100% comfortable. MIL, who I got on with great, came to stay for a weekend when DD was a week old and it was hideous. She ended up leaving in tears halfway thru the second day after I told her I could make my own bloody toast. Couldn't help but be glad when she left but it still affects our relationship now

wildmoon · 06/01/2023 17:40

Absolutely stick to your guns.

This is the one time in your life where people pleasing is off the cards.

Your baby. Your experience. Your way.

I found it hard too but looking back, I wish I'd been firmer.

Good luck OP. X

6poundshower · 06/01/2023 17:41

Say no and stick to it OP

screamingchild202 · 06/01/2023 17:42

I would love it if my MIL stayed over at mine when my babies were born.

I stayed at hers for 2 weeks after my first, but after my second there just wasn't enough space in her house for the 4 of us.

If you get along fairly well, then I would consider it maybe once your husband goes back to work.

If she's willing to do the cooking and cleaning rather than simply holding the baby than it's definitely something worth considering if you can accommodate her.

MintJulia · 06/01/2023 17:43

No, No, No.

After you have little one, you want to be at home without visitors. You may want to nest with the baby, or just spend time with your dh. You certainly don't want anyone who causes your dh to walk out.

You may be very uncomfortable and only be fit for bed for a couple of days. You need to be able to leave your home in a mess and not worry.

I got weirdly hormonal and wanted to rip the arms off anyone who went near my ds, for the first week. You just don't know.

Absolutely the last thing you need is a visitor who needs catering for. Especially when you don't have enough room.

Let her see baby at the hospital for an hour, take some photos, and then she needs to go away and leave you alone until you feel ready.

Intransigentcat · 06/01/2023 17:43

This would have been fine for me, because my MIL is saintly and supportive and was already a strong mother figure in my life.

She's since looked after me after an operation and was marvellous.

In your circumstance in a one bed flat it sounds like a recipe for disaster. Besides as others have pointed our, your DH will be there to do his equal share.

LunaBoBuna · 06/01/2023 17:46

Good god no! Literally my idea of hell.
You haven't mentioned how far away she lives? My MIL only lives 20 mins away but still thinks that is far enough and requires us to "sleep over" at Christmas and other occasions, I wouldn't put it past her to think that moving in for 2 weeks post birth is perfectly reasonable. Thankfully she did not do this to me, but they did come round every day for the first 3/4 days and I couldn't wait for them to leave every time. You will be exhausted and definitely not in the mindset of "hosting" company, especially in such close quarters you will just end up on top of each other!
All you will want to do is tend and bond with your baby, live in your bubble and try and get any amount of sleep. Having her in your space will make you feel on edge and that is something you do not need.

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