MIL wanting to stay for 2 weeks after I give birth

[StaffordLou]

I’m currently pregnant with my 1st, due in a few months. My mum passed a few years ago and our families are very excited about the new baby. My husband dropped last night that his mum wants to stay for 2 weeks after I have given birth to help out.
we get on with each other but this seems crazy to me! My husband completely regresses around his mum and ends up storming off leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I said I didn’t want this at all, he said I wasn’t being realistic about how difficult it will be with a newborn. I completely lost it and he has apologised!
an I being unrealistic? Everyone I know, friends and family haven’t had anyone move in with them to help and have been fine! We also live in a 1 bed room flat (not ideal with a baby coming but we have cladding issues - long story!).

sorry for the rant, I just need some perspective. Thanks!

Sorry you had to have a catheter but I still don’t get people wearing blood stained clothes & not able to pick up used pads ( why would they even be on floor) I had twins by c. section then a vbac but didn’t stagger around with my breasts out even though I breast fed them. As for the smell, very strange.

As I said previously I had twins by c.section then a singleton vbac . Why wouldn’t I understand how that feels. No blood stained clothes for me & guess what I got my breast out to feed then put them back again. Some of you act like it’s the 1800s .

I had an emcs with both of mine, I didn't have anyone staying obviously dp helped out but I definitely wouldn't have wanted this. Go with you're instincts about what you will want especially as you are in a small home.

No you need to do what is best for you, and MIL for two weeks isn't in this instance. When I had my first, MIL was devastated that I wanted a to wait a few days before she stayed - and refused a hotel- and so agreed to come two days after the birth. Unfortunately we needed to stay in hospital for two nights so she ended up aiming home in the car with us and staying for a week which was far from ideal.

*coming home

In the past, with fewer household gadgets, and different attitudes to the post natal period, many women would have welcomed this. I think you will find it harder than you anticipated in the earlier couple of weeks. That said, it's your choice, so if you don't want her to do it, find a nice way to tell her. I wouldn't burn boats, though.

It's nice of her to offer, but in practice it will be hard. Your flat is too small for 3 adults and a baby. Could she stay in a hotel or B&B nearby? She could be very helpful in taking care of the house whilst giving you and DH time with the baby.

Your MIL wants to do this to be of help
to you.

tell her yourself that it isn't necessary but thank you

my mum offered to do this and I told her no but if I needed her I'd ask.

No fucking way.

But why can't OP's husband do those things? Why is it always accepted that men won't step up and another woman has to do it all?

Because most men get two weeks paternity leave only, and less than that depending how long ago your dc was born.
Also, the patriarchy.

My MIL did this for a month, and it was a godsend, had all our meals cooked and she cleaned. It depends on the person, if they’re going to be genuinely helpful or not.

Because father is being a parent too?

It is entirely possible for two adults to cope with a newborn without one of their mothers having to step in. I can personally verify this fact.

I only had to read the title to say "well that's a no"

Ask her to come when your husband goes back to work. You may well be very grateful of the support then.

I would def say no to immediately after birth.

In this situation though, the OP has said that her DH is going to be there for the first 2 months not just two weeks. He is delegating and outsourcing what he should be doing (or it sure looks like he is trying to do this, couched in it being good intentions and coming from a good place).

This is good advice - when your DH has gone back to work and you're still on your maternity leave, that is probably when you will notice the lack of another adult around that could share the load and she would be most useful then.

See if that would work as a compromise. She could still visit and stay locally but just not in the first two weeks. That's just not going to work.

My mum came to stay for 2 week's following the birth of my first. She was a huge help, did washing, cooking and looked after the baby so I could sleep. But we were able to give her, her own room, and I get on well with her and she respects my boundaries

You need time to settle into being parents. Plus you don’t have space for her to stay. You need peace and privacy, and a husband who understands and speaks up to defend your needs.

Is she a helpful MIL or the type who will expect you to run round after her? Because if she is the former then it might be helpful to have her come and stay nearby in a few weeks time.

Unless you have a complicated birth then you will be back on your feet within a day and your husband can pick up any slack (is he taking paternity leave)? You don't need anyone else.

It depends on the MIL.
I had mine over for two weeks post birth. We get on well but I didn't anticipate how vulnerable I felt after. My emotions were everywhere, and my in-laws were just two more people we had to think about. I would spend hours breast feeding in my bedroom, sometimes alone when I should have been able to sit in our living room comfortably. My in-laws wanted to do the first bath, first x y z, and be present for midwife visits. Thankfully my husband was able to navigate them, but I don't have closure on that time which should have been just my husband and I, figuring out this new life and me being comfortable in my own home.

The second time I gave birth we said no visitors and we had such a wonderful time just bonding and getting a routine down.

OP, personally I wouldn't have your MIL in the first week especially when you don't have much space. Ground rules and expectations should be put down now, otherwise you'll always feel like you have to please others.

You can't get those first days back, and I really feel like those first few weeks led to me getting post partum anxiety.

The husband has two months off work paternity leave.

the husband will not be physically recovering from childbirth so should be able to do the housework and hold baby whilst OP goes for a shower/has a nap/eats a meal.

I found myself sitting with my boobs out when I was trying to figure out breastfeeding for the first time. And I had no idea I’d bleed so much, there were ho pads on the floor, but there were loads of packets of pads everywhere and bin loads of used sanitary pads and disposable knickers. I couldn’t walk properly due to birth injuries, and lost bowl control for a bit too. I would not have been able to wait to use the bathroom when I needed to go.

There is no room for the MIL to stay for two weeks. Where will she sleep? How many bathrooms does OP have in her flat?

OP is not comfortable with the idea, so her P and MIL should not be making plans for MIL to come over and stay immediately after the birth.

If husband is there, no need for MIL. A compromise would be for her coming for the weekend to help out a couple of times over his two months paternity leave. That would be enough time spent sleeping on the sofa too.

Mumsnet never fails to surprise me. Mothers and MILs helping a new mother is misogynistic!