MIL wanting to stay for 2 weeks after I give birth

[StaffordLou]

I’m currently pregnant with my 1st, due in a few months. My mum passed a few years ago and our families are very excited about the new baby. My husband dropped last night that his mum wants to stay for 2 weeks after I have given birth to help out.
we get on with each other but this seems crazy to me! My husband completely regresses around his mum and ends up storming off leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I said I didn’t want this at all, he said I wasn’t being realistic about how difficult it will be with a newborn. I completely lost it and he has apologised!
an I being unrealistic? Everyone I know, friends and family haven’t had anyone move in with them to help and have been fine! We also live in a 1 bed room flat (not ideal with a baby coming but we have cladding issues - long story!).

sorry for the rant, I just need some perspective. Thanks!

No no no ! I’d scream this if I thought you’d hear me!! It’s mental the first two weeks, you are sore and bruised and feel like hell. You don’t need mil in your space, you’ll end up shouting at her and then your lovely relationship is in the toilet. Tell him no.

Because they have poor comprehension skills and have not read the op.
Because they lack the empathy to see past their own brilliant sainted mil situations and think it must apply to everyone.
Because they relish the idea of lowering someone else's dil boundaries.
Because they are thick.
Take you pick really.

No don't do that. You'll want some time to bond together as a family of 3. It's a really special time for a family snd that should be the focus.

I did do this with my mum though but not with my firstborn. And loved that time too, but we're close to my mum and she asks for nothing and is brilliant help.

I find my MIL mildly irritating. The thought of two weeks of her constant blithering at one of most profound, contemplative moments in a lifetime would be enough to get me on a tramp steamer to the South Pacific.

Honestly, you get this time once or twice, maybe three times. Don't let people take it away from you!

This made me laugh! 🤣

Tbh I'm about to have my 2nd and I'd love to have another pair of hands around the house for a bit after.....although....not if I lived in a 1 bedroom & not if my husband regressed likes yours, so I don't think YABU.

It's a shock to system with your 1st but in hindsight newborn stage isn't too awful (if you take the hormones out of the picture).

It depends. My DGCs mum needed and wanted a lot of support. I didn't stay but live close and went every day at her request. I helped them by looking after DGC early in the morning so they could sleep in, taking her for a walk so they could rest in the afternoon and generally reassuring her about aspects of care she was unsure about. (Only when specifically asked though!) I cooked for them and did laundry. I also had (bottle fed) DGC overnight a couple of times.
That might sound like some new mums nightmare, but it's what she wanted. I think if your MiL comes with no preconceived ideas of her role and is prepared to do anything asked of her in a non judgemental way, it could be really helpful.

The last of OP's posts talks of 'they' and I get the impression it may be MIL & FIL hoping to come to stay after the birth.

If that's a correct reading - no, no, no. Not all of you in a 1 bed flat. Who gets the bed? It must be the new mother. Who gets priority in the bathroom? Again, must be the new mother. So much opportunity for conflict.

But just don't do it.

Newborns are pretty sleepy so you'll be able to get things done in the day. Especially if your DH is on pat leave. No point in having 3 of you there while baby naps most of the time.
I have an 8 week old and am just starting to crumble now. Sjes stopped napping this week and I can't make any meals (breakfast/lunch dinner) or hang out the washing 🤯🤯🤯

It’s up to your DH to carry out the household chores and when baby arrives . Most people manage perfectly well without help.

Omg do not agree to this, it’s nuts. Put your foot down now!

My mum stayed for a couple of weeks after the birth, cooking for us, holding he baby while we did stuff, she did washing, cleaning etc etc and it was so useful, especially as I had a really hard birth so was physically and mentally exhausted, in pain, anaemic etc.

I think it's a nice thing that she has offered. however I woudlnt really have wanted anyone else to see me other than my mum as was crying a lot, limping, boobs out constantly etc.

Nope do not agree to it .. you will just want to be with your baby and husband you will not need any additional support if you have a good dh who supports you

Good point that it’s a one bed flat. More reasons to say No.

can she stay nearby and pop in for an hour or two (at most) as a compromise?

The words you need are “no thank you, MIL. I’ll let you know when I’m up to visitors”

I loved my MIL dearly and didn’t know how hard it would be with a newborn. She did and stayed with us, and I was soooo grateful. It allowed me to nap, to shower. Someone to cook and help with the house. She taught me so much on calming a crying baby, burping and all sorts of things. She was so wonderful, and we had her in the delivery room with us the second time. She and my ex husband are gone now, and I miss her terribly. I know how lucky I was

He should be taking two weeks paternity leave with you. Then if, and only if, more help is needed perhaps she can come

Absolutely not based on the fact you only have one bedroom. Two weeks is too much even if you had room. A couple of days perhaps a week in could be useful perhaps but you'd have be sure she's not going to be expecting to be treated like a guest. Perhaps she could get a local bnb to give you some space.

Absolutely agree with you that it's entirely unnecessary. I'm a solo mother by choice and I had someone stay with me because I had a C-Section. By a few days in a was soooo ready to just have time with my girl and start our new family life. I've no doubt you and your partner would feel the same!
A lovely offer but far better for her to just bring lunch, let you shower, shove the hoover round etc in shorter visits!

He's getting two months!

When I had DD1 twelve years ago, my ILs came to stay in our tiny 2 bed terraced - for 2 months (they live the other side of the world). I don’t even know where to start - it was horrendous. It spoilt what should have been a very special time for me as a new mum. Don’t do it and regret giving in like I did.

Erm what? It's fine to disagree about whether you want your mother in law round but you are being racist with your generalisation there. It's a unwarranted aggressive response to a post made to be helpful.

Erm no. Acknowledgment that these practices tend to spring from misogyny is not racist.

You are allowed to criticize sexist practices in cultured such as India and Afghanistan without being racist.

There was a trafficking ring a few years ago that got away with it because the police were scared of cries of racism. That post was recommending a practice that has sprung up and is specifically needed because it is sexist.
Next you'll be telling me objecting to period huts is racist FFS.

It sounds like a very bad idea in a 1 bed flat. But even if you had more space, it needs to be entirely your decision. Whether or not it would be helpful depends on a lot of things so no one can really answer that but you. The point is that even if it would be helpful, if mil is going to cause you any resentment, it's not a good idea. It has the potential to ruin relationships forever. Those early days are so important and so emotional.

I think you have to let them visit, maybe 2 or 3 afternoons in a row during the first fortnight if they live far away. But more than that you should feel free to decline. If you go on to have a second one that's when help is really more useful. For one baby there's no need for any practical help, even if you've had a c section you can lift your baby straight away.

I had an emergency c section with DD1 and Mum coming to stay for weeks afterwards was AMAZING! She was so helpful - cooking, laundry, shopping etc, as well as managing guests when I really didn’t feel up to it. It’s worth saying this is the only time in my adult life that spending weeks with her wouldn’t have given me mad 😂. Good luck OP!