MIL wanting to stay for 2 weeks after I give birth

[StaffordLou]

I’m currently pregnant with my 1st, due in a few months. My mum passed a few years ago and our families are very excited about the new baby. My husband dropped last night that his mum wants to stay for 2 weeks after I have given birth to help out.
we get on with each other but this seems crazy to me! My husband completely regresses around his mum and ends up storming off leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I said I didn’t want this at all, he said I wasn’t being realistic about how difficult it will be with a newborn. I completely lost it and he has apologised!
an I being unrealistic? Everyone I know, friends and family haven’t had anyone move in with them to help and have been fine! We also live in a 1 bed room flat (not ideal with a baby coming but we have cladding issues - long story!).

sorry for the rant, I just need some perspective. Thanks!

This sounds awful. I didn't want anyone in my house overnight while my baby was little. I wanted to be able to shower my stitches with the bathroom door and shout to him to help me put my pants back on. It was bad enough when PILs would totally outstay their welcome and not leave when the witching hour started. I just wanted to get on with it and they were in the way.

Is your DH taking some paternity leave? If so, and he is a child around her, why not ask her to come for say a week after he goes back to work. But only, as others have said, if she is the type to step up and do laundry, cooking etc and not expect her time to be spent cuddling the baby!
my mum came to help me for a few days and was a god send. But she’s very practical. Sorry that your mum isn’t here to do this for you.
Good luck with your new arrival!

Honestly, if she's a nice and helpful woman I'd be really grateful. You might actually want the help when it comes round. My mum is dead too... my mil is a horrible woman who has never done a thing to help me.

300 miles, so not an easy pop-in but they can come for a few days and stay near by, just not with us or being here all the time. I’m so anxious about it, worried she will just show up anyway!

I don’t even need to read your post. DON’T DO IT.

just refuse & dont back down

It completely depends on your preferences and circumstances. You shouldn’t feel pressured based on what other people usually do/ don’t do.

If the labour and delivery go smoothly and you find the early days and weeks manageable, you may resent having her or anyone else there. You may want to create a little bubble- just the three of you. How much paternity does your husband have?

You may be hormonal and find it really intrusive having someone there. Would you feel comfortable with her seeing you exhausted and not your usual self?

On the other hand, you might be so grateful to have someone there to help out and wonder how the hell you’d have managed without them! Is she planning to help our? Or is she wanting to cuddle the baby and be a guest?

If she genuinely wants to help you might really appreciate it… it could bring you closer and be a life line during an intense and exhausting time.

I hallucinated from sleep deprivation and really needed help. But it was during covid and we didn’t see anyone for ages.

that being said, I sometimes wonder whether I would have been better or worse with extra people helping (I was all over the place with hormones and may have been really over sensitive and unreasonable in response to lovely and well-intentioned offers of help!)

It’s a challenge to predict exactly how things will be.

What’s your relationship like with you MIL?

Even if it’s amazing, how do you think you may feel having her there, in the context of the grief of missing your own mum at such a significant and emotionally charged time?

On the other hand, depending on your relationship, could it help your grieving to have her there?

If you’re not sure which way to go, could you suggest an alternative?

For example, make it clear you want a certain amount of time to settle back at home (just you, husband and baby) but once you’ve had time to settle, you’d love her to visit. You could then see how you feel when she visits and suggest making a plan for her to stay at that stage? (A night, a few days, a week etc)

I don’t know how much notice she needs to plan ahead? Are you able to have a friendly chat with her about it?

Does your husband feel anxious about the first few weeks, and want your mum there? Or has she told him it’ll be so awful that you won’t cope without her/ someone coming to help out? Maybe chat in more depth with your husband about how these ideas and suggestions arose?

You really need to be comfortable with the plans you have in place because it’s such an important time and you will be vulnerable and your energy should be prioritised and protected for looking after your baby and your own well-being.

What are your husband’s expectations for the early days/ weeks? And are they in line with yours? A heart to heart now could really help you prepare well, and ensure you’re working as a team.

It’s a balance of asserting healthy boundaries whilst also protecting the relationships you value… and you never know, you may end up asking her to stay a whole month!!

I hope everything goes really well for you, labour, delivery and beyond.

If DH has paternity leave then that's the first couple of weeks covered.

If it's a one-bedroom flat, I think that's grounds enough to turn down anyone staying. You need your space. If you have a bad night (and who doesn't); you'll want one of you to be able to take the baby into the living room while the other catches up on sleep.

If she's willing to come and stay somewhere local, then her help during the day when DH goes back to work might be very welcome, but it's difficult to know how it will go - in terms of how much sleep you'll be getting, how much help you need, and whether MIL is sensitive enough to work out how long to stay around each day. Perhaps manage expectations by suggesting she comes for three days when DH goes back to work to help you ease into coping on your own during the day. You could offer to book her in somewhere, which gives you a bit more control. The chances are that if you change your mind and need longer, she won't take much persuading.

God no, you’d be absolutely fine on your own even without your DH there. Babies are not super complicated and you’ll find your feet quickly as they are very good at letting you know when they are not happy! Get a sling type thing and enjoy pottering around with your newborn. Ask your MIL to stay for two weeks when they are about 18 months old as that is when you will actually want some extra help 😅

You do not need three grown adults to look after one tiny newborn baby. And as for the cleaning and cooking - adding a third person to a one bed flat is going to make more mess, not less.
Ridiculous idea.
The two of you will be fine and I hazard a guess that before the end of your DH’s leave you will be itching to look after baby by yourself 😋

Is that not the whole point of your husband having two week paternity leave or is she saying he’s bloody useless. Tell her no thanks and enjoy your baby bubble x

We banned everyone until at least 4 weeks after the birth. I would not have been able to cope with another person and basically had my tits out the whole time pumping or breastfeeding so would have been weird. My mum was the only one permitted to come and only for two days. Even with that short time we had a massive argument because i felt I had to manage things. Wait until you are settled and if you need the help later, then ask for it. Might be more valuable later on

Make clear in no uncertain terms you don't want her staying nearby. Say it now and repeat it. If she turns up point to that and hold your ground.

Some older women unfortunately go batshit when a younger woman in their life, especially DIL have a baby. It's a thing.

It makes more sense for her to come at the three month stage. Newborns are sleepy, it can be a shock when they wake up about a week old and then need more care and less sleep.

This is a crossroads moment in your marriage and your life. If your husband doesn't stick up for you now and say no to his mother, he never will. For years to come, every time you want to say no to something she wants, he will take the easy route and cop out. You will always be the bad guy to her. He needs to tell her no and negotiate with you what you feel comfortable with in terms of timing and length of visits - after the baby arrives and you know how you feel.

You need to be absolutely clear with him that this is when he gets to choose what kind of man, husband and father he is. And tell him in no uncertain terms that if he lets you down n this you will lose respect for him. Because you will - you already feel a bit repelled at his pathetic reversion to a child around her and this will just add to that Do not let his weakness and your MiL being a bully ruin your the first weeks of motherhood.

As for her turning up anyway, you and he need to practice the art of standing in the doorway physically blocking entrance to your flat whilst repeating 'we told you not to come - go away and come back when we tell you we are ready.'

To each their own. My MIL came. She slept on the sofa. She taught me to breastfeed. Reminded me that cluster feeding was normal. Told me everyday I was doing a great job. Made sure DH kept a close eye on my mental health. She told me to hand the baby over after feeds and go back to sleep so I could rest. I would wake up to a clean house and hot food. Feed the baby and sleep. It was bliss. She stayed for a month and it was a godsend. Yes she did have some batshit opinions on a few things but mostly she was my biggest cheerleader and I was very grateful for this. (In our culture after birth the family has to look after the mother and she is supposed to just rest and feed for 40 days- we also have high breastfeeding rates as a consequence).

Anyway nearly 12 years on MIL is older and both FIL and MIL live with us. It was my idea- DH was skeptical and while as with any living arrangements there are niggling issues, in general it is a pleasure to have them around. And I have just had my third and my MIL took amazing care of me when DH went back to work (we are in the US so maternity and paternity leave are non existent).

the fact you say that you worry she will turn up anyway even if you say not to says it all really.

You need to be very clear with your DH and her that she is not welcome

You will be fine on your own. Looking after a baby is not THAT difficult!! Yes the tiredness is unpleasant BUT those early days are special. You dont want MIL taking over and dictating how things were done in her day 30 years ago. Tutting in the background when your finding your feet etc.

if shes been texting your other half and hes too much of a wimp to stand up to her, youll have to message her yourself. Something like - “x mentioned your offer to come and stay with us for two weeks when babys here. Thats a lovely gesture but given we dont have a lot of space it’s impractical. Im sure we will be fine but of course we will love to see you once babys here. If we do need any extra help, we will let you know”

Depends if she (in her mind, not yours) is coming as a guest or as a proactive grandma.

The lowest point of MIL coming was after a csection I walked into a room and sat down on a straight backed dinning chair when the phone rang and she asked me to get it!

A friend’s MIL came and basically did washing, cooked family meals and made lactation inducing food.

My very long point is only you know your MIL.

Then say no.

My In-laws came down and I hated it. I cried happy tears when they left. I get on with my in-laws in a cordial way but I know way more about them than they do about me nor have they ever asked me much about myself. They never visited us before, only talked to me if I was visiting them nor even talked about coming down to see us until I was pregnant.

Instead of getting a hotel they stayed with us in our one bathroom home. Four adults, two that suffer from IBS and a new mum, not a great combination. FIL knocked on the door to ask me when I would be done so I started taking showers at night when I was less likely to be interrupted. My birth was traumatic and the last thing I wanted to do was be around anyone but baby. My DH’s idea was that they would help me since most of his PL was spent in the hospital with me and I had an emcs. Since I had rarely ever spent time alone with them, it was extremely awkward for me and I was nowhere in the mindset for guests especially with the heavy bleeding and breastfeeding. They didn’t do much of anything the five days they were there except for the second to last day, taking him out for a walk which I didn’t want them to but I didn’t think I could say no nor wanted to offend them since they are DH’s parents and spent the time being an utterly nervous wreck, cleaning the kitchen and staring anxiously at the clock until they returned with my baby and the last day they decided to clean the stair railing (no idea why, left them to it). DH apologised after they left and with the second it was a two week no-guests rule. It was actually blissful with just me and baby while DH was at work with the first.

Before anyone says anything about my mum, my mum didn’t visit until first was six weeks old (she lives in another country) and I wouldn’t have wanted her with me after just having a baby either. She also didn’t come until after the two weeks with the second so was the first of our family to meet our second while in-laws were the first to meet our first.

It was a big fat no from me.
My MiL was the sort to sit there & cuddle baby whilst demanding cups of tea.
I was not going to put up with that in my own home whilst getting to grips with a newborn.

People manage without live-in help.

You'll be fine!

If you have a C section who will help you?

Will it be DH? Hopefully, if not, then you might be relieved to have MIL during the day if DH is going back to work or will a friend help you?

Sorry didn't see the post about him having 2 months off so please ignore my last post

I’m in a similar situation with my PIL, I’m due in May.
I’ve put my foot down, they’re now coming a month after the due date and staying in an Airbnb.
You and your husband will never get that time back together as a new family with your newborn. Unless there’s a particular reason your husband thinks you need the extra help.