MIL wanting to stay for 2 weeks after I give birth

[StaffordLou]

I’m currently pregnant with my 1st, due in a few months. My mum passed a few years ago and our families are very excited about the new baby. My husband dropped last night that his mum wants to stay for 2 weeks after I have given birth to help out.
we get on with each other but this seems crazy to me! My husband completely regresses around his mum and ends up storming off leaving me to pick up the pieces. When I said I didn’t want this at all, he said I wasn’t being realistic about how difficult it will be with a newborn. I completely lost it and he has apologised!
an I being unrealistic? Everyone I know, friends and family haven’t had anyone move in with them to help and have been fine! We also live in a 1 bed room flat (not ideal with a baby coming but we have cladding issues - long story!).

sorry for the rant, I just need some perspective. Thanks!

how about you suggest she comes and visits new baby and goes home, but returns at around 3/4 weeks and helps out

by then you will e tired, will have bonded with baby and want to sleep in the afternoon to catch up - so she can be of help looking after baby as dh will be back at work

In many cultures there's a tradition of either the mother or MIL staying with the couple and baby after a having new born. She cooks wholesome dishes, helps with the baby and nurtures everyone. However a handful of MIL's do not do much, or cause difficulties for the couple. Her child should step up and correct her; otherwise she'll have to leave so that another relative can come round to help.

He has two months bloody paternity leave.

Why are people infantsing this man? If he is not able to support his wife after birth he is not fit to be a father FFS.

You could invite her to stay when your DH goes back to work? That would be actually helpful if she’s alright…

Those cultures are mainly
A) misogynistic at core
B) community set ups

They are not designed for a one person flat in modern UK.

I think it depends on whether or not she is going to be helpful or act like a guest. Sadly my MIL died way before 2DCs but my mum came for several days both times and she was brilliant. Don’t underestimate how having your first newborn is like something you’ve never experienced before: you’ll hardly sleep listening for the babies breathing all night; you’ll need to constantly drink water to provide breast milk or be making and sterilising bottles; all your food will go cold before you can eat it and you may have stitches and not be able to sit down! If you like your MIL let her come and do all the work outside of the bedroom while you and DH enjoy a Babymoon.
Super excited for you 👶

^^THIS Whyyyyy any normal woman who gave birth themselves would absolutely decline!

I loveeee my mil but I think your husband has a fucking screw loose thinking that’s a good idea?!! I wouldn’t go through him I’d go through mil directly and tell her it’s not happening sometimes you need to bypass the bullshit and go straight to the point!

You want your space and privacy and are entitled to it. She doesn’t get to tell you she’ll be staying in your home without being invited. Be absolutely firm. That doesn’t work for you. You don’t want a house guest around trying to help.

Oh god, I've not even RTFT and am having flashbacks to when my inlaws visited post birth, with their comments about how best to breastfeed, when I finally managed a post birth poo, and how out out they were when I wasn't happy clappy smiley all the time. Gahhh

All cultures and societies are misogynistic. It is not ‘feminist’ to expect a woman to be up and running a household days after pushing a human out. For example look at the Swedish model of postpartum care.
Look it’s fine if you don’t like your MIL. But there isn’t anything inherently wrong with having a loving group of people looking after you after you have given birth.

No way. Not in a million years. I didn’t even want my MIL to meet my son but that’s another story! You don’t need her there to help, I am sure you’re more than capable! Set boundaries now for sure!!

Bloody hell YANBU!!!!

We lived in a 1bedroom flat when DC1 was born & it was so lovely and cosy just us 3 there

Also I was secretly relieved we could easily say no to any guests staying over!

Plus I had a CS so it was great to have no stairs in the home (lift in the appartment block so no lugging stuff up the stairs)

With DC2 we'd only progressed onto a 2 bedroom flat but DH felt it was fine to have his parents come to stay for 1 whole fucking month when DC2 was a week old

The in laws slept on the living room floor, it was a close thing, I had to convince DH I'd need to sleep in our bed (2nd CS)

Needless to say I wasn't in agreement with the length of time, 1 week would have been more than enough

They were v helpful especially my MIL but I just felt claustrophobic with 4 adults, toddler & newborn in a 2 bedroom flat

Also had v bad constipation so a trip to the loo took time, when I could finally get in there

All I wanted was to be with my new baby but I felt under pressure to let the in laws take over baby duty so I could go out and do other things eg see friends

But they didn't seem to understand I wanted the baby with me! DH put a lot of pressure on me too about this

In conclusion, you and DH need to be in agreement over any visit/duration or it will cause fall out & resentment

DC2 is now at infant school and this topic still gets me all stabby and I don't think I've ever felt the same way about DH since, I felt he didn't support me in what I wanted post birth

Enough of my whinging!

Please try to talk this through with your DH and come to some kinds of mutual agreement

Good luck with everything!

Please don’t do it. Short term uncomfortable convo of saying no vs long term pain of ruining bonding time with your newborn. Say no.

Do any of these amazing cultures take place in a one bedroom flat and involve railroading over the mother's stated wishes that she doesn't fucking want them there?

And yes, all cultures exist in a patriarchy but to be quite frank I don't think we should be modelling ourselves on places that have honour killings and rape victim blaming laws.

Get some standards.

By rape victim blaming laws do you mean Italy? Ahem. www.amnesty.org/en/latest/campaigns/2020/12/consent-based-rape-laws-in-europe/

And no I didn’t say a 1 bedroom flat or over riding a mother’s wishes was the done thing. But there is nothing INHERENTLY wrong in having a MIL come to visit or look after the DIL. Or a mother or a sister. I did detail upfront about how my own MIL did actually come to my 1 bedroom flat in a big US city and frankly saved me from PND.

I think it’s probably out of kindness. Having a baby can make you, instinctively, want your mum around; or bring our maternal loss / childhood issues to the surface which can all make PNA / PND a million times worse. If she’s the type who will cook, clean, be on your side it’s not a bad thing to have her around. I know it’s hard but you need to think of yourself and your baby’s needs first, be selfish, and not try to let loyalty to your Mum’s memory be a factor in this.

Your folksy stories about your own mil are not relevant to the op.
The op is starting from the place where she doesn't want her there.
Sounds like both DH and mil are overriding her boundaries.
The fact that you are defending that makes me think it's something you have done too, like the countless other incidents of mil on this thread.

Yes again, lots of places are misogynistic it's not a race to the bottom and again you seem to have conveniently forgotten that the husband is outsourcing his responsibility.
Never mind not actually reading the ops posts.

Much as others are saying let your DH tell her, I'd be very apprehensive that he'd actually say that she couldn't come, so in a few days/weeks time, I'd send her a message something like this:
Hi MiL,
DH mentioned that you are intending to visit and stay with us shortly after we have our baby. At the moment this doesn't suit us as we'll only be getting used to the baby at that stage and really won't be able to have anyone staying with us. You could stay in X or Y (Airbnb) if you do want to visit but we really can't host anyone. I'm sorry if this might upset you but we can't anticipate what our lives will be like in the coming weeks and months. We are both looking forward to having the baby, for you to be granny and FiL to be grandpa and for all of the fun times ahead. Sending you lots of love,

Or something along those lines

MiL travelled over for a fortnight after DH's paternity leaves. She spent the weekend in the middle with SiL (and vice versa with SiL's babies). We had a spare bedroom and she was very practical in looking after the home and letting me deal with baby. I turned out to have two difficult births with slow recoveries so her support was very much appreciated. That doesn't mean it's universally a good thing though. Especially in 1 bedroom flats and between people with poor boundaries.

Saying "no" in OP's circumstances is very reasonable.

“we get on with each other but this seems crazy to me!”.

Listen to your guts. It won’t end well. If mil regularly stayed with you, and you felt comfortable with her staying, then that’s fine. But your instinct is shouting No!, so listen to this.

I think the response you should give is thanking her for the offer, but you want this time to bond with your child, breastfeed, adjust to the new routine etc.

Its not easy, and can be tough and lovely at the same time. If you want to spend the day in pjs, only eat beans on toast, spend all day on the sofa, then you want to be able to do that without having to entertaining someone.

I had an op a few years ago and my mother came to ‘help out’. After the first week, she commented how nice it was to have food cooked for her!

I would have thought, "Oh my god, no" - but on reflection, I think it depends on what sort of person your MIL is and how well you trust her. Our baby is now 6 months. The newborn stage was so awful. We now think that maybe she is a "high needs baby". The old adage "sleep when the baby sleeps" was simply impossible - she would only sleep when held, for the vast majority of the time. It took an hour or two to get her to finally sleep in her cot at night. When awake, she would cry if she wasn't held.

So life was a bit better when Good visitors came and wanted to hold her/ make everyone cups of tea etc. If my mum had been alive and had offered I might have taken her up on the offer (though before the baby, I wouldn't have dreamt of it!). I know, like me, your mum isn't around any more and that it's Mil who has offered. If you think she would do the above, it might be useful.

My OH was very hands on and easily did his share. He had a month off Paternity leave. I had had a C section, although it was a planned one and I recovered really well, so he had to help with a lot. But even after I had recovered, we always felt that we needed at least the two of us to look after the baby and be able to eat, sleep etc. A third would have been great!

Having seen a bit of other babies, though, I don't think all babies are like that - so maybe you'll find it heaps easier. Some of the comments on here make me think that some people find it much easier to cope.

I think a lot of these responses are a bit unkind to the mil. My own mum is dead and I actually find it really upsetting that my mil doesn't bear this in mind. She has never helped us in any way and is a very disinterested grandmother. This would be bad enough but the fact my own mum isn't around makes it especially hurtful and my life much harder.

I think if she genuinely is worried about you and genuinely wants to help that's really sweet. I do also understand having overnight guests can be a bit claustrophobic. If you could afford it, I'd offer to pay for her to stay nearby in a hotel or air bnb..dress it up as being more comfortable for her.

Are some pp ignoring that it’s a one bed flat? How will the OP get any privacy/be able to wander round in bloodstained pants with her tits out trying to breastfeed? I can’t imagine! She won’t want to be confined to her room and it doesn’t sound like she has a hugely close relationship to her mil.

If you have to have the conversation, do so, but it’s your Dh that needs to tell his mum when she can come and that she needs to stay in a hotel.

My MIL did this and it was helpful because she is.
Although she is also anxious and I think increased my own anxiety a bit.

But if it doesn't work for you it shouldn't happen and you should have been consulted first not last.