To be sick of societal expectations and 'only children' prejudices

[reddwarfgeek]

I probably am being massively U here but still. Absolutely sick of hearing things about only children being lonely selfish, etc. It gives me anxiety.
I know some amazing only children . And I know some selfish bastards people who can't compromise who have many siblings. Why does this stuff continue to be peddled out?
Everywhere I go people ask me about having a second baby. I'm sure it's not to internationally upset me but after 5 years I just don't know what to say anymore. Had enough of it.

Lots of second babies have been announced this last week on social media. Even though I am pretty sure I don't think want another ...I feel pangs of sadness when I see this. Of course I'm happy for them. It's just hard to see sometimes.

1 child suits some families better. Some women, like myself, feel they can't effectively parent more than 1 child and that's ok. I know my limitations. But then I happy families with 3 or 4 children and wonder how the hell they manage.
The truth, as you can probably tell, is that I'm not quite at peace with 'only' having 1. I wish I could be, maybe it will happen in time. However there are many many reasons why having an only child suits us better and why I'll almost certainly stick with one.
I'm not particularly maternal, have poor MH and my partner nor my parents are helpful. All taboo subjects you can't admit to in RL.

I feel lonely regarding other mums at school. There are some lovely mums but they also often ask me when I'm having another. There are some only child mums but most are considerably younger than me.

I've started to gravitate towards my childfree friends, of which I'm fortunate to have plenty, and they talk about other things. I'm careful not to constantly talk about DD in their company. It's nice to be myself and not judge on my number of children.

I feel like I don't fit in to many social circles now and I wonder if anyone can relate? I'm 37, nearly 38 by the way.

This topic has been done to death, and for sounding horrible and bitter I can only apologise 🙈

The truth, as you can probably tell, is that I'm not quite at peace with 'only' having 1.

understatement
and you’re taking it out on “society” 😂

I could have written this OP. I don't know what the answer is but I just wanted to say you aren't alone.

YNBU. I think people forget that asking about having more children is actually a really personal question and the decision could hinge on a number of reasons, many of which may be painful. It's also just rude, it's no one else's business.
I also get fed up with the endless assumptions about only children e.g. they'll be selfish, self centred, spoilt and then lonely in both childhood and adulthood when their parents are ageing. Yes I'm sure some of this may happen to some people but having siblings isn't a guarantee that it won't. There are also many benefits to being/having an only child.
You don't have to justify your decision to anyone but I do feel I've been looked down on at times for only having one child. Although many of my child's friends are also only children, so it's not as unusual as it was when I was growing up. I struggled, and still do at times, with only having one child. I would have loved to have more but we simply could not have afforded the childcare. So many people would tell me that you just find the money etc. That infuriates me. As if we hadn't given it any thought. We absolutely did and the reality was that given we both have to work full time and have no parental child care then we genuinely could not have afforded to pay for multiple children in child care. That's the reality. It still makes me quite sad at times.
However I also know that we could not have had the life we do if we had had more children and that helps. I know life isn't all about holidays and presents etc but we've had some amazing family experiences that we couldn't have had, our child is able to participate in lots of sport and activities they enjoy without us having to count every penny or spread it across other children. So it helps me to think that we've been able to give them the best life we could. When people ask me about it now I just immediately shut down the conversation and make it clear I'm not talking about it. Thankfully they are now at an age, as am I, where people are less likely to ask this. But it took a long time!

Yes unfortunately it’s just one of these things you can’t really get away from, that people ask stupid questions simply making chitchat. The only person who cares about your response is you. I would answer “god no, I realised how much work was involved and we are 100% done. Are yours quite well behaved?” - basically just change the subject.
I know well behaved only children and naughty ones. Spoiled despite having a few siblings, or perfectly pleasant. You can’t generalise like this and yet boys always get dinosaurs and girls dolls. My son loved his doll and pram, his play kitchen and soft cuddly bears. People say dumb stuff, I’m sure you’ve let one or two comments slip at times too. No one means offence so try to let it go - they don’t care how many kids you have.

When you're dating, people ask when you're going to move in together or get married.

Then they start asking about babies.

Then they start asking about siblings.

It's just small talk. There is no intent to upset you. Nobody gives a shit, surely, how many babies someone else has.

And I know lots of people with one child. I'm not sure about societal prejudices but it's certainly very common to have one child and I've never thought, or heard, of any negative connotations beyond lazy stereotypes - but don't people make generalisations about 'the oldest', 'the baby of the family', 'the middle child.'

This in spades

And once this is exhausted it’s

holidays (how dare they assume I can afford a holiday!)

YABU. The fact that you aren’t sure if you want another child or not does not mean society is prejudice against you. Asking if you are having more kids is a normal question, I can understand people with fertility problems being upset by it, but you are an adult female with a 5 year old, that hasn’t 100% decided if you are going to have another or not yet… it’s not a crazy to ask. Just say ‘we aren’t having more’, I can’t see why they would keep asking you again and again.

Can you get councilling to see if you can come to terms with sticking at one?

I feel similarly op. I think I'm mostly at peace with the decision to have one child, but I feel a little sad and sometimes defensive when people ask if we will have a second.

I think there is a societal element to this - two children is positioned as the perfect or 'right' number so if you have fewer or more than two, it does feel like there is a need to justify living outside the norm.

Thanks for the replies and solidarity for those who felt similar

@Coffeellama I know that society is not prejudice against me, what I mean is I wish it was more socially acceptable to have 1 child.

@Headabovetheparakeet That's exactly how I feel! I think you expressed it much more eloquently than I did.

Little things like; when trying to buy tickets for an activity over Christmas, I noticed there is never an option for 1 child 2 adults, only 2 children 2 adults or 3 children 1 adult. Ridiculous to question why perhaps, but there is it.

This was a thread on this literally two days and every time these threads appear (at least once each week), all the sane posters say “each to their own” and then all the crazies divide into two nasty armies. One nasty army says that only children are lonely and sad with no social skills blah blah blah and the other nasty army says that children with siblings were never enough and their parents don’t love them as much and that they’re never valued as independent and that they miss out because of living in the inevitable poverty caused by having more than one child… The whole debate is nuts and ridiculous and these threads just stir up hatred. People should stop making stupid comments on your family set-up but this thread is just a launchpad for posters to make those kinds of comments to others.

I avoid asking people about when they are having children or more children full stop. I have one child and got sick of people asking about siblings so I started to tell the truth. I had multiple miscarriages before my daughter was born and 2 since. The emotional toll was too much so we stopped trying. It might be what some people use to make small talk but it's intrusive.

@GentlyBen Must have missed those threads. There is no hatred here nor do I wish to spread it . I've never criticised anyone for having multiple children or asked why they have more than 1. Just wish it worked both ways

@awakenme Sorry to hear that, it must be hard for you to hear and to explain

You’re definitely not alone, OP - I also could have written this! One DD, almost 2. I’m 33 and sure I’ll start being asked soon if I’m having another.

Before having DD I had thoughts of having 2, maybe 3 kids (I’m one of 3). Now I think “what an idiot”! I struggled immensely with anxiety during my pregnancy due to a previous miscarriage (as in I properly went bananas, tracking movements in the early hours every night when she was most active, wrapping myself up in cotton wool, worrying about catching Covid etc.). I don’t think I can go there again. It’s also slowly dawned on me that I’m not a natural at parenting. I get very worn out by it all. I can’t seem to manage half of what other mothers do. I’m an introvert with mental health issues. I struggle not having enough quiet time just to “be”. I hate myself for it really and feel my daughter deserves better. I try to do my best by her but constantly feel I’m falling short of the mark. My partner, while not struggling with his mental health as I do, is also quite low-energy and I think we’ve both been knocked for six this past couple of years.

I know sticking at one is the best decision all round for my family, and there will be many, many advantages to this. But it’s hard not to have a wobble over it when society is constantly presenting two as the ideal and pitying all the “lonely only” children!

I don’t think you sound horrible or bitter at all. I completely get where you’re coming from.

I really doubt weather anyone cares how many kids you have People care about what you are like as a person. This is your issue in your own head

I'm an only child myself and mother of an only child, I can only speak from my experience which might be different from other only children.

I grew up lonely as my parents were distant, my mother especially as she has a very volatile personality and treated me as the punchbag for her frustrations . I always wanted a sibling so I was determined for my son not to be an only child. Of course, as fate would have it, it didn't happen for several reasons long enough to write here now.

As time went on and DS was growing up, I started reflecting on my own childhood and I realised that I was an unhappy and lonely child mainly because I was living in an unhappy environment and never felt loved, not because I was an only child. So I decided that whatever I could do to make sure that DS had a happy and healthy childhood, I would do 100% . Whatever depended on me, I'd make it. His childhood was very healing for me as I got to do loads of things that I myself never did when I was little with my own mother. We played, we read, we baked, we went to park, to the pool, to the theatre, gigs, events, sang karaoke, told jokes, were plain silly, the list is endless. Now that he is a teenager I'm mourning that period but that's an issue for another topic ;)

He's 13 now and never talks about wanting a sibling, something he used to when he was 5/6.

Also, I'd say that one of upsides of growing up an only child is that I learned how to be independent from an early age. I never had anyone tom play with, so I played on my own. I've always been a big reader since very little, I love books and I'm quite happy when I'm reading on my own. I've never waited for people to do things with me. If I wanted to go the cinema, to a gig, to a restaurant, wherever it was, I would. And I think this is a good thing as I see so many people petrified of being alone and I'm very happy in my own company doing my own things.

You do sound confused and unresolved, I'm afraid. Just make sure that whatever you decide is for your own reasons, not because people say this, that or the other. Good luck :)

If you have confidence in your own life choices then anybody's views don't matter. I've got an only who is 14 and generally awesome! No more selfish than the average teen, happy, sociable and well adjusted. It's all bollocks.

Thank you but there are many advantages to just having one too so I'm at peace with it now.

@thirdtimeluckyorwhat If people don't care, why do I get asked by the same people on an almost weekly basis? I do not know what to say anymore. Cant be rude as some are work colleagues.

What do you actually say in response? It’s incredibly bizarre that multiple people in different places are asking you on a weekly basis if you are having more children. Maybe you need to be more direct?

I've only ever heard this on mumsnet, I have never heard this is RL