To be sick of societal expectations and 'only children' prejudices

[reddwarfgeek]

I probably am being massively U here but still. Absolutely sick of hearing things about only children being lonely selfish, etc. It gives me anxiety.
I know some amazing only children . And I know some selfish bastards people who can't compromise who have many siblings. Why does this stuff continue to be peddled out?
Everywhere I go people ask me about having a second baby. I'm sure it's not to internationally upset me but after 5 years I just don't know what to say anymore. Had enough of it.

Lots of second babies have been announced this last week on social media. Even though I am pretty sure I don't think want another ...I feel pangs of sadness when I see this. Of course I'm happy for them. It's just hard to see sometimes.

1 child suits some families better. Some women, like myself, feel they can't effectively parent more than 1 child and that's ok. I know my limitations. But then I happy families with 3 or 4 children and wonder how the hell they manage.
The truth, as you can probably tell, is that I'm not quite at peace with 'only' having 1. I wish I could be, maybe it will happen in time. However there are many many reasons why having an only child suits us better and why I'll almost certainly stick with one.
I'm not particularly maternal, have poor MH and my partner nor my parents are helpful. All taboo subjects you can't admit to in RL.

I feel lonely regarding other mums at school. There are some lovely mums but they also often ask me when I'm having another. There are some only child mums but most are considerably younger than me.

I've started to gravitate towards my childfree friends, of which I'm fortunate to have plenty, and they talk about other things. I'm careful not to constantly talk about DD in their company. It's nice to be myself and not judge on my number of children.

I feel like I don't fit in to many social circles now and I wonder if anyone can relate? I'm 37, nearly 38 by the way.

This topic has been done to death, and for sounding horrible and bitter I can only apologise 🙈

Yes! One of my friends in particular gets quite stroppy and jealous- “oh well we couldn’t afford to just do that” for things like taking our (only) DC to the zoo for the day. I really am getting very close to saying something.

I hear you but from the other side. I have 4 children. I constantly get asked why I ‘decided’ to have 4 and I daren’t ask for support as I’d get, “well you CHOSE’ to have 4 kids” from people that don’t know me. I see it all the time on here.

Except there was very little choice involved and I’ve had a forced birth. It’s so difficult navigating relentless, intrusive questions and societal judgments. I really hear you OP.

I've never heard anything about it tbh

I had a woman who kept saying that is was massively unfair to have just one child even after I told her that I physically can't have anymore. There are people out there that just fon't get it.

Where was this conversation? Can’t quite get my head around where such a conversation would take place? With a stranger?

Just ignore them.

I suspect some with more than one child themselves are just envious (but they’d never admit it), because they have more parenting work to do.

I’ve had similar comments (from my cousin’s wife, so not a stranger- although I think that actually made it worse because she knows full well WHY we only have 2 child). On a couple of occasions she’s just repeated “but your DC won’t have anyone to play with growing up, they need to have a sibling” even though she was quite literally there for a lot of a horrendous pregnancy and the aftermath of various complications for DC and I post-birth.

That should be ‘1 child’ not ‘2 child’ obviously 😂

I think you need to get over yourself.

I’m a parent of an only, mostly by choice but also circumstances. I don’t recognise any of what you post. There’s as many only children in our circles as multi-child families. The average is now 40%. No one gives a shiny shit.

It’s mostly in your head. Your issues. You are projecting.

And when you sit across from her, over a coffee, and tell her how hurt you are, and she knows why etc

she continually asks?

Just tell them that it’s not an option, don’t elaborate and that will shut them up.
I am surprised they’re going on though - only children aren’t unusually.

I think it’s a mistake though - hanging out with childless friends. The parents of only children I know go out of their way to be with people with kids so that their child isn’t brought up like some mini-adult, which can happen with one kid.
The only children who we know are lovely, mature, independent, good company.
They have all their parents attention which some feel the pressure of, and yes Inhave to say they generally get what they want.

Not that kind of family unfortunately. DH has just started saying we’ve gone for quality over quantity, which has shut her up a bit. I think I’m I a stronger place mentally now so I’ll be able to remind her of exactly why if it’s said again, but I don’t think the onus should be on me to explain how deeply traumatised I am tbh. People just shouldn’t ask, full stop. Especially if they know things weren’t easy the first time around.

Your post comes across badly - it’s not anyone else’s fault you have decided to grudging stick at 1 child so please don’t make everyone else irresponsible for having a second or third child that you evidently in part want. This is just a weird thread.

Someone with 1 child can often be asked if and when they’ll be having Baby No 1. People with 2 children are almost never asked when they’ll be having Baby No 3. They are being judgmental, as if 1 child isn’t enough and 3 children is too many.
There’s also a suggestion that parents of an only child are selfish and want an easier life. As if they want the pleasure of one child without the expense and hard work of more children.
The friend of a relative has 3 children is a SAHM, lives on benefits and struggling to make ends meet. She is now expecting her 4th. I think it’s ridiculous and irresponsible. So I’m being judgmental and just as bad as anyone else.

Someone with 1 child can often be asked when they’re having BABY No TWO! 🙄

I've got one and it's great.I feel very lucky and I couldn't give a fuck what anyone else thinks.
I don't get comments and haven't done since ds was a toddler.

No arguing,more money for holidays,cheaper xmasses etc.
It works for us.

If I am asked and then told I'll change my mind, I tell them (with his permission!) that DH has had a vasectomy. That shuts is down quickly!

Yanbu I have one DC and have felt like this. I’m kind of out the other

My daughter is now 12 and has never wanted a sibling. She loves having 100% of my attention (and money 😂). Because I only have one she's in private school and has two ponies so she can pursue her show jumping dream. I could never ever fund that if I had more than one kid.

My parents had my brother when I was 10 and I hated it as a kid, as I was no longer the centre of their attention. Now we get on well, but we definitely didn't get on as kids.

If I have another baby it would be for completely selfish reasons, not for my daughter.

…side now.
I do still get annoyed with the “it’s alright for you you only have one” brigade. I’ve had my own struggles and if they’re gonna make me feel awkward I’ll make them feel awkward…I tell them about my PND and birth injuries.

This plus

How is the new job
New house?
Going anywhere on holiday?
Weather?
What age are your children now?

It's polite chit chat and as pp says no one gives a shit about the answers to any of these questions

I think the stereotypes can be true, I’m an only child from a pretty insular family. I was happy in my own little world as a child and pretty much entertained myself, but i have been a bit lonely as an adult as a lot of my family have died.

I think it’s fine to have an only child, as long as you make the effort to socialise as a family and encourage them to get out in the world and meet people and make those connections.

I completely get you OP. I’m pregnant with our

second after years of infertility, miscarriage and IVF but the longer our journey took the more I came to terms with having one and I did feel a lot of the pressure I used to feel was alleviated by just blocking out the mum crowds that make you feel like crap or less than. I was very selective in my friendships as my infertility journey grew longer and it did really help me cope. I was also very selective in revealing any personal info. When asked ‘will we have another at the school gates?’ I just answered ‘maybe’. I found completely non committal answers that didn’t open up conversation the best. And I concentrated on my child and knew we were a happy family despite the stereotypes.

Im an only child and my mum is my best friend and always has been. Even DH had come to terms with being joint equal but not higher 😂 The relationship between only children and their parents can be really special. Don’t let anyone tell you what you’re missing when they don’t even understand what you’ve got x

If it's any consolation, the economy will probably ensure that only children become a lot more common in future. Having more than one is bloody expensive.

I don't think people are intending to be intrusive or shaming. I think it's often just making conversation. Like when you're in a long term relationship they might ask when you're getting married/having children. Or if you're not working, how the job hunt is going. Obviously it can be very insensitive because of what we know about infertility or dysfunctional relationships. But I don't think the intention is often bad.

The question is why is it triggering you quite so much?